09-07-2020, 11:36 AM
Its been a while since I posted on here but I regularly check in to see how everyone is doing and I have been meaning to post this for a while. I wanted to let you know what life is like years into an OR that started out as an EMR.
I met my now husband, I'll call him Ben, and his BW when he became a customer of mine at a business I owned. I was instantly attracted to him and the chemical reaction between us was palpable. I became friends with them both. I wasn't too keen on BW but I stayed friendly in order to keep him in my life on a social basis. I was very intrigued by him and I liked being around him. Also, our children were the same age and became very good friends. It was clear that we were both unfulfilled in our relationships, both just bumping along, not massively unhappy but bored of a life devoid of passion and romance. I never once saw any affection between them at all, they just acted like friends, as did me and my then partner.
Throughout the next couple of years, whilst we had never discussed our feelings, the attraction was clear. We texted all the time, often making very obvious innuendos and they were certainly beyond what we would have allowed our partners to see, so I guess we were kind of having an emotional EMR of sorts by then. I was obsessed with him, so deeply in love like I had never felt before. I thought about him all the time and was only ever happy when I was with him or talking to him. I didn't know how I could ever be happy again because he could never be mine. I was so in love with Ben that I left my four-year relationship. He was a nice man who was good with my kids but I didn't love him and it wasn't fair on him (sidenote: he is now happily married with a child of his own.)
I ended up moving into a new house just down the road from Ben and his family, not on purpose, but it was literally the only suitable house available for rent in the town. After that we became closer than ever, his BW would often go away for the weekend and leave him with the kids so he would come and spend all his time with me and mine. Sometimes it felt like we were a family. But then she would come home and the reality would hit like a train. He wasn't mine and he was going nowhere. Nothing had ever happened between us and we still hadn't discussed our feelings. I tried to hate him, talk myself into believing that he didn't love me and that he just enjoyed the ego boost from knowing that I was so into him. I dated a friend of mine to try and get over him, but it didn't work. Then, three years after we had met, we bumped into each other on a night out. BW went home early and we drank and danced the night away. Whilst walking home, in the middle of us laughing and joking, I just blurted it out that I was totally in love with him. After a moment of total fear, to my surprise, I was swept up into a passionate embrace. We kissed for a long time and then he told me that he had been deeply in love with me for a long time. I suppose I knew really, but he was much better at hiding it than me. However, he also told me that he couldn't bear to leave the family home because of his children. I went from euphoria to devastation in minutes. He did love me, but he would never be truly mine. So, an EMR began.
After this point we discussed his M and all that was wrong. There was no physical intimacy and even when there had been he had been unfulfilled. We on the other hand were certainly sexually compatible which made us pretty much symbiotic in every way possible. The chemistry, love and bond between us was like nothing we had ever felt before. BW became suspicious. She never said anything to me but she would question him a lot. In fact, she tried to become very friendly with me, but I knew why and remained cautious. There were a few close calls but we were quite clever so never got caught and she was still going off on her many social jaunts so it was quite easy to see each other regularly.
Months into the EMR and I was in a constant state of elation and despair. I hated not having him as my own and I was also petrified of being found out. Everything was on the line, my business, our children and their friendships, all of our friends. Everyone knew everyone and BW was very popular in the town. But despite all of this I remained deeply committed, the love I had for him superseded all the guilt and fear. Then one day Ben said he could take it no longer and told me he was going to leave BW. It was no easy task. BW did what many do and pulled out all the stops to stop him leaving. The whole process took months and was very stressful for all involved. BW tried to get them to counselling, tried sleeping with him again, told him to never tell her again that he didn't love her anymore and would often fly into uncontrollable emotional outbursts that would range from hysteria to anger. She even punched him once. But he persevered, moved into the spare room and then eventually into his own flat down the road. We fully intended to keep our R a secret for as long as possible but, the town being what it is, days in I was spotted leaving his flat early in the morning and literally, all hell erupted.
I was now the Scarlett woman about town, my business suffered, I was verbally and even once physically abused. I even had to get the police involved. I was actually scared to go out without my kids as I knew when I had them with me I would be left alone. But, the love for him remained strong and no matter how tough things got, the fact that he was now mine made it worth it.
So then we were in an OR and this is the part I want you to know about. ORs that emerge from EMRs are not the same as normal relationships when they start. You have to be absolutely sure, deeply committed, very strong minded and most importantly, extremely patient. That said, if you are in an EMR then you probably already are as we all know what patience it takes to be in one! The children were relatively positive about us, especially as they were already friends, but Ben's children did struggle for a long time. I was close to them, so they were fine with me, but they obviously wanted their mum and dad back together. All of his friends were married to BW's friends so he lost them all. My friends remained loyal but even though they all loved Ben, he didn't feel like they were his friends in the same sense. I know he found this very hard. When he was married to BW, he went out a lot, always socialising and, as a very social person myself, I really looked forward to socialising as a couple. But that wasn't to be. He no longer wanted to go out at the weekends. This was partly so he didn't see people, her family, ex friends etc but also because it turned out that he only went out so much because he was so unhappy at home and he also wanted to see me! But now he had me, he just wanted to stay in, in our little safe bubble. I missed my social life a lot, but the fact was that just too many people now hated us to make a night out locally enjoyable. The divorce was long and messy. When he got the letter to say it was over, I was over the moon but he was very quiet for a few days which sent me into a tailspin. But he assured me that it wasn't regret, just that he felt a bit like a failure, and guilty. I got it though, as I remembered feeling that very same feeling when I left the father of my children. Even though you want to leave, there is still a great deal of sadness and guilt about it all, especially when you share children. I had to put my feelings aside and be patient and understanding.
For a long time our relationship was full of unbridled, raw passion but also very major blow ups. We had everything against us and many people tried their hardest to break us up. It took a lot of endurance to weather those storms. He also refused to acknowledge my existence on social media. If anyone tagged us in a photo, he would hide it and he wouldn't change his relationship status. I found this extremely hard. I had felt like the hidden guilty secret for so long and I didn't want to still feel like that now that we were in an OR. Many people who we both knew had deleted me from SM but not him and I knew he didn't want them antagonised. But I felt that if they didn't want to see pictures of us on his SM then they should remove themselves from his friends list. Eventually, at least two years in, he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with me, and he allowed all the hidden photos of us on to his wall, but I could tell he was nervous about it. It's all these little things that you do in a normal R that are so much more difficult in an OR from an EMR.
Another thing worth noting is that if you are the OW, EVERYONE will blame you for the break up, not the MM! It also means that BW now has a scapegoat from reflecting on any of the mistakes she may have made during the marriage and are able to direct 100% of the blame solely on to you. They convince themselves that, but for you, everyone would have lived happily ever after, despite the fact that deep down, everyone was living a thoroughly vacuous and middle-class life, all rosey looking on the surface but with no substance or depth underneath. As my wonderful late father always said, 'you can't take a man who doesn't want to be taken.'
So now we have been together for nearly six years. We are married and own our own home a few miles out of the town were everyone still hates us! I'm afraid the resentment never goes away, I guess I was naive believing that over time it would. Funnily enough, our neighbours got together in the same way we did and are also very happily married now, so we are close to them for obvious reasons! The day after we got married, Ben changed his profile picture to us on our wedding day - the first time in four years he put a pic of us up! To be fair to him though, he really doesn't like or use it very often and he never did post much anyway. I closed my business a couple of years ago and am happily back in a profession I used to do and love my job very much. We are blessed to have a comfortable lifestyle and all the children get on amazingly and are very happy. We love each other very deeply, we never argue anymore and our intimate life is still great.
But do know this, the feelings you experience during an EMR will never continue into an OR long term. At times, I have felt a bit lost and I think that is because you spend so long wanting and trying to move towards the goal of a normal OR that when you get there, you think all that intensity, that yearning, that passion, that you only get from an EMR will continue, but the reality is that it just doesn't. Life becomes normal, it has to, and the problems that EMRs don't have, such as housework, plumbing problems and paying bills etc, become part of your new relationship. When you are in an EMR, te time you spend together is intense, you cherish it, you laugh and cry and make mad passionate love and then spend all your time yearning and planning for the next time. That naturally comes to an end once in an OR.
You must also be 100% sure that when you become the new partner or spouse, you are not creating a vacancy for another OW or OM. The nature of the beginning of your OR can be the cause of a great deal of insecurity. This is not the case for us, especially not now, but there have been occasions of insecurity on both sides in the past. So you must be sure that you got together because you both fell in love and are both fully committed to each other, not because one or both of you were trying to fill a void because of boredom and lack of sex etc in your relationships. There is simply no point in going through all that pain and anguish if the chapter is just going to repeat itself and you yourself stand a chance of becoming the BW further down the line.
So was the grass greener? Yes, very much so. My life has changed so much though. We still have very few friends and I still sometimes miss the excitement and passion of the EMR. But when I do, I remind myself of all the pain I felt when he had to leave, how I dreamt of waking up next to him every day, of cooking for him, of marrying him, of both of us coming home from work and talking about our day, in person and not via text. When we on away together, I remind myself of the anguish I felt when he was away with xBW. So I look at him lying next to me and am so very grateful, my heart still skips a beat every time he walks into the room and I will love him dearly until the day I die.
I am a success story, but it hasn't been easy and I am probably in a minority. If you are going to transition, be cautious, be certain, but above all, be very, very patient.
Love to you all xxx
I met my now husband, I'll call him Ben, and his BW when he became a customer of mine at a business I owned. I was instantly attracted to him and the chemical reaction between us was palpable. I became friends with them both. I wasn't too keen on BW but I stayed friendly in order to keep him in my life on a social basis. I was very intrigued by him and I liked being around him. Also, our children were the same age and became very good friends. It was clear that we were both unfulfilled in our relationships, both just bumping along, not massively unhappy but bored of a life devoid of passion and romance. I never once saw any affection between them at all, they just acted like friends, as did me and my then partner.
Throughout the next couple of years, whilst we had never discussed our feelings, the attraction was clear. We texted all the time, often making very obvious innuendos and they were certainly beyond what we would have allowed our partners to see, so I guess we were kind of having an emotional EMR of sorts by then. I was obsessed with him, so deeply in love like I had never felt before. I thought about him all the time and was only ever happy when I was with him or talking to him. I didn't know how I could ever be happy again because he could never be mine. I was so in love with Ben that I left my four-year relationship. He was a nice man who was good with my kids but I didn't love him and it wasn't fair on him (sidenote: he is now happily married with a child of his own.)
I ended up moving into a new house just down the road from Ben and his family, not on purpose, but it was literally the only suitable house available for rent in the town. After that we became closer than ever, his BW would often go away for the weekend and leave him with the kids so he would come and spend all his time with me and mine. Sometimes it felt like we were a family. But then she would come home and the reality would hit like a train. He wasn't mine and he was going nowhere. Nothing had ever happened between us and we still hadn't discussed our feelings. I tried to hate him, talk myself into believing that he didn't love me and that he just enjoyed the ego boost from knowing that I was so into him. I dated a friend of mine to try and get over him, but it didn't work. Then, three years after we had met, we bumped into each other on a night out. BW went home early and we drank and danced the night away. Whilst walking home, in the middle of us laughing and joking, I just blurted it out that I was totally in love with him. After a moment of total fear, to my surprise, I was swept up into a passionate embrace. We kissed for a long time and then he told me that he had been deeply in love with me for a long time. I suppose I knew really, but he was much better at hiding it than me. However, he also told me that he couldn't bear to leave the family home because of his children. I went from euphoria to devastation in minutes. He did love me, but he would never be truly mine. So, an EMR began.
After this point we discussed his M and all that was wrong. There was no physical intimacy and even when there had been he had been unfulfilled. We on the other hand were certainly sexually compatible which made us pretty much symbiotic in every way possible. The chemistry, love and bond between us was like nothing we had ever felt before. BW became suspicious. She never said anything to me but she would question him a lot. In fact, she tried to become very friendly with me, but I knew why and remained cautious. There were a few close calls but we were quite clever so never got caught and she was still going off on her many social jaunts so it was quite easy to see each other regularly.
Months into the EMR and I was in a constant state of elation and despair. I hated not having him as my own and I was also petrified of being found out. Everything was on the line, my business, our children and their friendships, all of our friends. Everyone knew everyone and BW was very popular in the town. But despite all of this I remained deeply committed, the love I had for him superseded all the guilt and fear. Then one day Ben said he could take it no longer and told me he was going to leave BW. It was no easy task. BW did what many do and pulled out all the stops to stop him leaving. The whole process took months and was very stressful for all involved. BW tried to get them to counselling, tried sleeping with him again, told him to never tell her again that he didn't love her anymore and would often fly into uncontrollable emotional outbursts that would range from hysteria to anger. She even punched him once. But he persevered, moved into the spare room and then eventually into his own flat down the road. We fully intended to keep our R a secret for as long as possible but, the town being what it is, days in I was spotted leaving his flat early in the morning and literally, all hell erupted.
I was now the Scarlett woman about town, my business suffered, I was verbally and even once physically abused. I even had to get the police involved. I was actually scared to go out without my kids as I knew when I had them with me I would be left alone. But, the love for him remained strong and no matter how tough things got, the fact that he was now mine made it worth it.
So then we were in an OR and this is the part I want you to know about. ORs that emerge from EMRs are not the same as normal relationships when they start. You have to be absolutely sure, deeply committed, very strong minded and most importantly, extremely patient. That said, if you are in an EMR then you probably already are as we all know what patience it takes to be in one! The children were relatively positive about us, especially as they were already friends, but Ben's children did struggle for a long time. I was close to them, so they were fine with me, but they obviously wanted their mum and dad back together. All of his friends were married to BW's friends so he lost them all. My friends remained loyal but even though they all loved Ben, he didn't feel like they were his friends in the same sense. I know he found this very hard. When he was married to BW, he went out a lot, always socialising and, as a very social person myself, I really looked forward to socialising as a couple. But that wasn't to be. He no longer wanted to go out at the weekends. This was partly so he didn't see people, her family, ex friends etc but also because it turned out that he only went out so much because he was so unhappy at home and he also wanted to see me! But now he had me, he just wanted to stay in, in our little safe bubble. I missed my social life a lot, but the fact was that just too many people now hated us to make a night out locally enjoyable. The divorce was long and messy. When he got the letter to say it was over, I was over the moon but he was very quiet for a few days which sent me into a tailspin. But he assured me that it wasn't regret, just that he felt a bit like a failure, and guilty. I got it though, as I remembered feeling that very same feeling when I left the father of my children. Even though you want to leave, there is still a great deal of sadness and guilt about it all, especially when you share children. I had to put my feelings aside and be patient and understanding.
For a long time our relationship was full of unbridled, raw passion but also very major blow ups. We had everything against us and many people tried their hardest to break us up. It took a lot of endurance to weather those storms. He also refused to acknowledge my existence on social media. If anyone tagged us in a photo, he would hide it and he wouldn't change his relationship status. I found this extremely hard. I had felt like the hidden guilty secret for so long and I didn't want to still feel like that now that we were in an OR. Many people who we both knew had deleted me from SM but not him and I knew he didn't want them antagonised. But I felt that if they didn't want to see pictures of us on his SM then they should remove themselves from his friends list. Eventually, at least two years in, he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with me, and he allowed all the hidden photos of us on to his wall, but I could tell he was nervous about it. It's all these little things that you do in a normal R that are so much more difficult in an OR from an EMR.
Another thing worth noting is that if you are the OW, EVERYONE will blame you for the break up, not the MM! It also means that BW now has a scapegoat from reflecting on any of the mistakes she may have made during the marriage and are able to direct 100% of the blame solely on to you. They convince themselves that, but for you, everyone would have lived happily ever after, despite the fact that deep down, everyone was living a thoroughly vacuous and middle-class life, all rosey looking on the surface but with no substance or depth underneath. As my wonderful late father always said, 'you can't take a man who doesn't want to be taken.'
So now we have been together for nearly six years. We are married and own our own home a few miles out of the town were everyone still hates us! I'm afraid the resentment never goes away, I guess I was naive believing that over time it would. Funnily enough, our neighbours got together in the same way we did and are also very happily married now, so we are close to them for obvious reasons! The day after we got married, Ben changed his profile picture to us on our wedding day - the first time in four years he put a pic of us up! To be fair to him though, he really doesn't like or use it very often and he never did post much anyway. I closed my business a couple of years ago and am happily back in a profession I used to do and love my job very much. We are blessed to have a comfortable lifestyle and all the children get on amazingly and are very happy. We love each other very deeply, we never argue anymore and our intimate life is still great.
But do know this, the feelings you experience during an EMR will never continue into an OR long term. At times, I have felt a bit lost and I think that is because you spend so long wanting and trying to move towards the goal of a normal OR that when you get there, you think all that intensity, that yearning, that passion, that you only get from an EMR will continue, but the reality is that it just doesn't. Life becomes normal, it has to, and the problems that EMRs don't have, such as housework, plumbing problems and paying bills etc, become part of your new relationship. When you are in an EMR, te time you spend together is intense, you cherish it, you laugh and cry and make mad passionate love and then spend all your time yearning and planning for the next time. That naturally comes to an end once in an OR.
You must also be 100% sure that when you become the new partner or spouse, you are not creating a vacancy for another OW or OM. The nature of the beginning of your OR can be the cause of a great deal of insecurity. This is not the case for us, especially not now, but there have been occasions of insecurity on both sides in the past. So you must be sure that you got together because you both fell in love and are both fully committed to each other, not because one or both of you were trying to fill a void because of boredom and lack of sex etc in your relationships. There is simply no point in going through all that pain and anguish if the chapter is just going to repeat itself and you yourself stand a chance of becoming the BW further down the line.
So was the grass greener? Yes, very much so. My life has changed so much though. We still have very few friends and I still sometimes miss the excitement and passion of the EMR. But when I do, I remind myself of all the pain I felt when he had to leave, how I dreamt of waking up next to him every day, of cooking for him, of marrying him, of both of us coming home from work and talking about our day, in person and not via text. When we on away together, I remind myself of the anguish I felt when he was away with xBW. So I look at him lying next to me and am so very grateful, my heart still skips a beat every time he walks into the room and I will love him dearly until the day I die.
I am a success story, but it hasn't been easy and I am probably in a minority. If you are going to transition, be cautious, be certain, but above all, be very, very patient.
Love to you all xxx
