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Not coping…
#1
Ended a two year affair with Co- worker. 
Facing emotions I’ve never encountered before.  Seeing him every day is destroying me.  I feel like I’m going crazy.  ….. anyone relate? 
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#2
You've come to the right place.

Welcome
Lance  Heart  Gwen
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#3
(05-09-2023, 04:30 PM)Gwen Wrote: You've come to the right place.

Welcome

Thank you
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#4
(05-09-2023, 03:17 PM)KatieScarlet Wrote: Ended a two year affair with Co- worker. 
Facing emotions I’ve never encountered before.  Seeing him every day is destroying me.  I feel like I’m going crazy.  ….. anyone relate? 

I had a very similar story . Ended an affair with a work colleague and had to see him every day. It was a special kind of torture.

I say it was my choice to end it but it was because I felt like I had no choice as opposed to ending it for not loving him anymore

I can share what I did and what worked for me and hopefully you can find something useful in there that may guide you through some parts

I took a weeks vacation leave in the immediate aftermath . Just to actually give me time to regroup in the immediate aftermath

I imposed strict NC. People will say its impossible because of work . But it isn't. You can speak simply only about work where absolutely necessary. Only in meetings where absolutely essential and then via email for any other contact

I changed up my work routine. So I knew when he would start work and what entrance he would take . I would start work before or after him and take a different entrance

Same for lunch. I started going for lunch at a different time and place. Not only to avoid him but because we went for coffee and lunch so many times together that I didn't want to be reminded of that during work. So I either ate at my desk or when time allowed I would leave the building and get something somewhere complete random

I did not to work nights or events for about 6 months

Every single thing I used to do with him during work hours I would find an alternative thing to do

I was very self controlled and I did not find anything out about him through work colleagues by sneaky asking questions. Of course i heard stuff because people just talk but it was never instigated by me and you would be surprised how little people actually mention other work people when you don't ask. It's quite easy to keep the conversation away from a particular person when you really want to

My work didn't have a gym at the time so at some point throughout the day, during my lunch or whenever I could i would go for a walk l. If i.cojld manage half an hour i would. But what was most important are the trigger moments . The moments you are in work and it feel so over whelming and crushing. Take a step out. Go for a quick breather. Step out into the fresh air and take a few deep breath and listen to a music track.

Look it was hell I won't lie. I'll never again get involved with a work colleague , affair or not because the break up working together is woeful


I did it , it was hard but I did it and now I have complete moved on from it all and the pain I can remember it because it was so intense at the time but I remember it now in a proud way.

I did it , I didn't cause any problems at work and kept my head up and did my job . Noone saw me fall . And for that I am proud of myself

You can do this , you just have to find enough self belief in there that this is the right thing to do and you will find a way
Now if he ended it and you still want it that is harder but the same.rules.applu . Go in , do your job, see as little as possible interaction with him. Change your routines .don't try to find out updates from work colleagues on his life.

You can do this , I've been through it and out the other side..just believe you can get through this phase if you put the right tools in place
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#5
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this. Many of us have been where you are. You're not alone. Post more when your feel comfortable.
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.
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#6
I have not experienced this with a work colleague but any break up is difficult, even if you're the one instigating it.  I did last fall, it was terrible.  Welcome, this is a safe space to share whatever's on your mind.
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#7
(05-09-2023, 05:45 PM)cenedra Wrote: I had a very similar story . Ended an affair with a work colleague and had to see him every day.  It was a special kind of torture. 

I say it was my choice to end it but it was because I felt like I had no choice as opposed to ending it for not loving him anymore

I can share what I did and what worked for me and hopefully you can find something useful in there that may guide you through some parts

I took a weeks vacation leave in the immediate aftermath . Just to actually give me time to regroup in the immediate aftermath

I imposed strict NC. People will say its impossible because of work . But it isn't.  You can speak simply only about work where absolutely necessary.  Only in meetings where absolutely essential and then via email for any other contact

I changed up my work routine.  So I knew when he would start work and what entrance he would take . I would start work before or after him and take a different entrance

Same for lunch.  I started going for lunch at a different time and place. Not only to avoid him but because we went for coffee and lunch so many times together that I didn't want to be reminded of that during work.  So I either ate at my desk or when time allowed I would leave the building and get something somewhere complete random

I did not to work nights or events for about 6 months

Every single thing I used to do with him during work hours I would find an alternative thing to do

I was very self controlled and I did not find anything out about him through work colleagues by sneaky asking questions.  Of course i heard stuff because people just talk but it was never instigated by me and you would be surprised how little people actually mention other work people when you don't ask.  It's quite easy to keep the conversation away from a particular person when you really want to

My work didn't have a gym at the time so at some point throughout the day,  during my lunch or whenever I could i would go for a walk l. If i.cojld manage half an hour i would.  But what was most important are the trigger moments . The moments you are in work and it feel so over whelming and crushing.  Take a step out.  Go for a quick breather.  Step out into the fresh air and take a few deep breath and listen to a music track. 

Look it was hell I won't lie.  I'll never again get involved with a work colleague , affair or not because the break up working together is woeful


I did it , it was hard but I did it and now I have complete moved on from it all and the pain I can remember it because it was so intense at the time but I remember it now in a proud way.

I did it , I didn't cause any problems at work and kept my head up and did my job . Noone saw me fall . And for that I am proud of myself

You can do this , you just have to find enough self belief in there that this is the right thing to do and you will find a way
Now if he ended it and you still want it that is harder but the same.rules.applu . Go in , do your job, see as little as possible interaction with him. Change your routines .don't try to find out updates from work colleagues on his life. 

You can do this , I've been through it and out the other side..just believe you can get through this phase if you put the right tools in place
Reply
#8
Thank you for your wonderful reply.  I hear him laughing with other co workers, sharing lovely family stories with our guests, watching him go through his day to day oblivious of my pain ( and he is aware) … he still banters with me and says goodbye at the end of his day. I want to destroy him in every way! ( other than physically of course) for being so self righteous and smug when it takes all I have to function.  Master manipulator.  How do I even feel attracted to such a man after everything.  I’m ashamed of how weak I feel.  I’m seeing a therapist who is actually terrible.  So, another bad decision!  I’m just spent!! … tired. and really sick of not being capable of being stronger.
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#9
Can you find another therapist?
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.
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#10
(05-11-2023, 08:35 PM)KatieScarlet Wrote: Thank you for your wonderful reply.  I hear him laughing with other co workers, sharing lovely family stories with our guests, watching him go through his day to day oblivious of my pain ( and he is aware) … he still banters with me and says goodbye at the end of his day. I want to destroy him in every way! ( other than physically of course) for being so self righteous and smug when it takes all I have to function.  Master manipulator.  How do I even feel attracted to such a man after everything.  I’m ashamed of how weak I feel.  I’m seeing a therapist who is actually terrible.  So, another bad decision!  I’m just spent!! … tired. and really sick of not being capable of being stronger.

I take it, it was his choice to end it ? Which is why you are so angry at him?

It is really really tough to deal with a break up and see them everyday . Space is always recommended after a break up but of course work colleagues can't do that. I honestly regardless if it was am EMR or not I wouldn't get involved with a work colleague again the fallout is too messy . And if I did I would be suggesting we both move jobs or one of us does. It really and truly is a brutal thing to get yourself to go in and function right beside the person who broke your heart . It takes a world of inner strength to get through it

Can you take any time off ? Give yourself some space from the whole thing even if its for a short period

You should really maybe look for a different therapist? A good therapist right now would really help you and there is no point continuing with someone who is crap

How do you feel about this job ? I know for me when it all went down I loved my job and was on the cusp of a promotion so I absolutely did not want to leave but if the job was just meh and I didn't really care that much about it , I would have packed it all in and got a new one . How important is this job to you, would it be a possibility to just get a new one?
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#11
It was actually my choice to end the relationship because he was peace mealing his version of the same, and it was exhausting watching him pull away and come back.  I have kept my distance from him but I am so attracted to him ( unfortunately) that I catch myself looking for him… just to look! I’m hopeless lol I get the logistics and honestly, I am trying.  I need to hate him… because what ever this is…. it’s purgatory.  He should just leave me alone!! It’s what I’ve asked of him. I can’t change jobs! I make too much money where I am .. won’t find that anywhere else.  I’m saving to move away and go back to my home country.  That’s the interim plan.  I needed a plan. …. He leaves and tells me he’s going to be 45 min ( I’m a receptionist) the same way he used to leave to come see me.  I conjure all the thoughts.. who’s my replacement?  … There was no consequence to his behavior.. affair with me.  He just carries on. Makes me upset. 

(05-12-2023, 06:19 AM)cenedra Wrote: I take it, it was his choice to end it ? Which is why you are so angry at him?

It is really really tough to deal with a break up and see them everyday . Space is always recommended after a break up but of course work colleagues can't do that.  I honestly regardless if it was am EMR or not I wouldn't get involved with a work colleague again the fallout is too messy . And if I did I would be suggesting we both move jobs or one of us does. It really and truly is a brutal thing to get yourself to go in and function right beside the person who broke your heart . It takes a world of inner strength to get through it

Can you take any time off ? Give yourself some space from the whole thing even if its for a short period

You should really maybe look for a different therapist? A good therapist right now would really help you and there is no point continuing with someone who is crap

How do you feel about this job ? I know for me when it all went down I loved my job and was on the cusp of a promotion so I absolutely did not want to leave but if the job was just meh and I didn't really care that much about it , I would have packed it all in and got a new one . How important is this job to you,  would it be a possibility to just get a new one?
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#12
Any type of break up is difficult. Especially if you don't want it

It will for sure get better in the future but the constant reminder when seeing them does make it even harder
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#13
(05-14-2023, 12:50 PM)Foreternity Wrote: Any type of break up is difficult. Especially if you don't want it

It will for sure get better in the future but the constant reminder when seeing them does make it even harder

Torture… and true! Thank you!
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#14
(05-09-2023, 03:17 PM)KatieScarlet Wrote: Ended a two year affair with Co- worker. 
Facing emotions I’ve never encountered before.  Seeing him every day is destroying me.  I feel like I’m going crazy.  ….. anyone relate? 

I can relate. He was my boss.  I actually ended up changing jobs.  He was promising he was going to leave his wife for me.  For me, I knew if we were going to be together that I had to get a new job and if we weren’t going to be together I had to get a new job.  I took a pay cut, it sucked. It still turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made.
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