Posts: 1
Threads: 1
Joined: Sep 2023
I am a current OW in a relationship with a committed but unmarried man. We've been together over a year and it truly started as NSA fun. I was seeking a sexual relationship without the complications that accompany dating and commitment. I never expected we would still be seeing each other at this point.
Of course, I have found myself falling in love with him. I have tried to hide it and hoped it would pass. I knew that admitting my feelings would forever change the relationship, so I resisted for months. In a moment of weakness, I recently confessed my feelings.
His response was neither good or bad. He told me that he's sorry and that he doesn't like to see me upset. We are continuing the relationship. But there is no discussion of how to move forward besides my promise to try to suppress my feelings.
I know I want to keep him in my life in hopes that he will choose me. I know this isn't realistic,but I can't seem to let him go yet. I feel like he may also be having the same thoughts, but he would never admit them.
Maybe I'm right, maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I'm here in hopes of finding some support, advice and understanding. I have no one to talk to about this and my heart is hurting.
Posts: 22,503
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
Hi and
Your feelings are completely valid. We are here to help and listen. Post away!
No regrets
Posts: 529
Threads: 25
Joined: Mar 2023
(09-12-2023, 09:12 PM)SillyLittleGirl Wrote: I am a current OW in a relationship with a committed but unmarried man. We've been together over a year and it truly started as NSA fun. I was seeking a sexual relationship without the complications that accompany dating and commitment. I never expected we would still be seeing each other at this point.
Of course, I have found myself falling in love with him. I have tried to hide it and hoped it would pass. I knew that admitting my feelings would forever change the relationship, so I resisted for months. In a moment of weakness, I recently confessed my feelings.
His response was neither good or bad. He told me that he's sorry and that he doesn't like to see me upset. We are continuing the relationship. But there is no discussion of how to move forward besides my promise to try to suppress my feelings.
I know I want to keep him in my life in hopes that he will choose me. I know this isn't realistic,but I can't seem to let him go yet. I feel like he may also be having the same thoughts, but he would never admit them.
Maybe I'm right, maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I'm here in hopes of finding some support, advice and understanding. I have no one to talk to about this and my heart is hurting.
Welcome. I hope by reading posts here you find similarities to your situation or perspective on how others are dealing with EMRs. It sounds like you feel deeply about this man, but he got involved with you for a more casual involvement as you are married. Have you had a discussion about what he is looking for?
Often M women in EMRs want not just sexual but emotional attachment. It gets complicated when one "catches feelings".
Posts: 405
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2019
(09-12-2023, 09:12 PM)SillyLittleGirl Wrote: I am a current OW in a relationship with a committed but unmarried man. We've been together over a year and it truly started as NSA fun. I was seeking a sexual relationship without the complications that accompany dating and commitment. I never expected we would still be seeing each other at this point.
Of course, I have found myself falling in love with him. I have tried to hide it and hoped it would pass. I knew that admitting my feelings would forever change the relationship, so I resisted for months. In a moment of weakness, I recently confessed my feelings.
His response was neither good or bad. He told me that he's sorry and that he doesn't like to see me upset. We are continuing the relationship. But there is no discussion of how to move forward besides my promise to try to suppress my feelings.
I know I want to keep him in my life in hopes that he will choose me. I know this isn't realistic,but I can't seem to let him go yet. I feel like he may also be having the same thoughts, but he would never admit them.
Maybe I'm right, maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I'm here in hopes of finding some support, advice and understanding. I have no one to talk to about this and my heart is hurting.
Welcome! I’m sorry you’re hurting - thats not a fun place to be.
Do you feel the only way to continue is to suppress your feelings for him? That isn’t healthy for you! It’s important that you explore what you’re willing to live with, since it doesn’t sound right now that he’s interested in changing the status quo.
Will you be happy if he just wants to keep things as they are indefinitely? Being in a R where you aren’t the “chosen one” isn’t easy and takes a lot of inner strength, but many do find a way to make it work for them and are happy with their lives.
You will find lots of support here whatever path this takes for you.
Posts: 7,504
Threads: 51
Joined: Nov 2013
I honestly don't know anyone. I'm sure they exist i just don't know them personally who enter into a FWB type situation where it remains like that
Anyone I know in my life that has ever done it , they are fine for a while and then someone develops feelings.
Its a horrible situation to be in and I'm really sorry..
Its seems to me that you kind of have 3 choices here
End it
Keep doing what you are doing and hope that someday he will feel the same or admit he does
Keep doing what you are doing and prepare yourself for the fact that he might never feel the same way or if he does admit it to you
None of these choices are easy and none have to be made suddenly or even in a vacuum. However having feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for you to the same level is a very difficult path to follow . It can be very soul destroying to love someone who doesn't love you back. It can hit your self esteem and you feelings of self worth . I've seem it happen where people end up asking themselves what is wrong with me that he doesn't love me or if I do this or that he may love me . If you find yourself going down that road please don't do it to yourself..I had a really good friend who went through an unrequited love for about 3 years and she was a shell of herself at the end of it . Its a specific kind of torture because you always hold out that little bit of hope that they will change their mind and then when it doesn't happen it heartbreak over and over
So look just be careful of yourself. If you find yourself falling harder and harder and if he still is claiming he just wants FWB then what will that end up looking like for you? Just keep a check on yourself as you go through this
Posts: 22,503
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
I agrée a lot with what Cen says, except that this was my experience in my M. I loved way too deeply in comparison to him but we can’t help who we love, can we? So I waited and waited and I finally realized he was never going to catch up to my level (in many ways) so it was time to end the M and R.
We all have different time tables. Yes, I became a shell of myself and even had dark thoughts about my existence, but I overcame them and decided the only way to live and be happy was to leave him.
And my MM brought me so much joy in comparison to my H. There were ups and downs but the good outweighed the bad.
But you are bound by nothing except your love, and that can change and diminish over time. It can even improve, and his love may grow even if he denies it himself. We don’t know, but time will tell.
You’ve got support here, and that’s a lot more than married women get IMHO because society is always about saving the M at all costs. Use us to your benefit, it’s free and those of us in EMRs have the lived experience to see it from your POV.
Hang in there.
No regrets
Posts: 3,710
Threads: 98
Joined: Feb 2020
I loved and still do love my ExMM /OM not necessarily more but in a different way to how he loves me, but we both acknowledge this.
I support all of him, in everything.
He is wary of going all in as I am married and he no longer is. He tell me he loves me all the time but he can’t or won’t let himself go all in as a self preservation method. I have accepted this.
Don’t suppress your feelings, they are true and valid. The hard thing to do is accept the depth and meaning of your MM’s
Posts: 529
Threads: 25
Joined: Mar 2023
(10-10-2023, 06:39 PM)Harlow Wrote: You’ve got support here, and that’s a lot more than married women get IMHO because society is always about saving the M at all costs.
Oh my but isn't that the truth. Everywhere I look online to read about affairs discusses them from a negative perspective and there is always the mantra that it's best to end them, and work on "saving the marriage". There is virtually nothing about WHY people stay in long term affairs and what people derive out of those relationships.
For me it isn't working terribly well, but others like you have found contentment.
