Bashful hello

[jonesygrl]

Hi there

Where to begin? I'll say I'm super timid about being on here but - as amazing as my friends are and have been - I realize I'd really love to speak with other people going through/having been through similar situations. I'm at a loss, I'm heartbroken, and I'm so confused about what to do. (Please be gentle as I don't know all the acronyms, etc yet as this is my first foray into an online support group like this! ) 

I started dating a married man (he had been my boss, I know so cliche! lol, although I had moved roles by the time we actually started anything) about 3.5 years ago. Very early on, we both realized we were totally screwed: completely in love and totally unsure what to do with that. Over the years we have tried to 'break up' many times, obviously none of them successful or I wouldn't be here now. The intensity continued to grow until he got to a point where he knew wanted to be with me, just didn't know how to separate from his wife and kids. Back in May I'd had enough waiting and told him to "get this sh*t together" and not contact me until steps had been made. He barely lasted a few weeks before he completely tore open Pandora's box at home - telling his wife he didn't want to be married any longer, etc. He rented an apartment at the end of July and has slowly moved a few things in (except for himself), and in the meantime they started going to couples therapy, where he expected that the therapist would help them decouple - but from what he's told me, it hasn't quite gone that way. The last month has felt like he's back in "I don't know if I can leave my kids" headspace which is crushing me. 

Add to this, his wife had an abnormal lump in a mammogram a few weeks ago and the biopsy has confirmed it is cancerous. Obviously so many unanswerable questions/paths lie ahead for her/him/us right now but he did say that whatever is happening, he will not be the kind of guy/dad/husband that leaves his wife during this time. I get it but I'm ... crushed again. 

I have no idea what to do from here. He's asked me to please give them time to figure out what the process will be for her before making any drastic 'decisions' ... I think I can honor that (after which I suppose I'll know more about timing, how bad things are for her, etc). 

I feel like an awful, selfish, horrible human being for being so frustrated about her illness. I am sad. I am angry. I feel so, so many things.

Thank you for reading <3

[Emilia]

Hello, and welcome.

We are an international forum, so some people will be responding while you're sleeping.

Your feelings are all valid, they are, but my suggestion is, ease up on the "leave now", and wait this out for a while. If you push at this time, you'll most likely lose him. The timing of the cancer is really awful, but that's no one's fault. As hard as it may be, be supportive and understanding of your MM at this time.

Keep posting......

[JustHer]

Hi there, welcome.

As Emilia says all your feelings are valid.  You aren't a bad person- you just fell in love.

We've all thought not nice things about the BS, its human nature.

At this time you just need to also take care of yourself and not to stress about what he is doing, his head is going to be full of so many things.

See if  you can find something to fill your days and keep posting here.

Take care.

[Harlow]

Hi and

Your thoughts and feelings are totally valid. Keep posting and we will keep supporting.

[Sandrine]

Hello and welcome.  I haven't been here much of late but read your story.  We are here to support whatever direction you take.  An EMR is not easy, most especially if you are a single person with a married AP.

[Harlow]

Hello and welcome.  I haven't been here much of late but read your story.  We are here to support whatever direction you take.  An EMR is not easy, most especially if you are a single person with a married AP.

Great post but I have seen some MP here who also hurt very deeply. Love hurts no matter which way you slice it. And love is amazing even if you are the single OP.

[Sandrine]

Great post but I have seen some MP here who also hurt very deeply. Love hurts no matter which way you slice it. And love is amazing even if you are the single OP.

You are right, I stand corrected

[JustHer]

Great post but I have seen some MP here who also hurt very deeply. Love hurts no matter which way you slice it. And love is amazing even if you are the single OP.

Ain’t that the truth

[jonesygrl]

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughtful replies. 

I'm beside myself these days. We've barely had any contact since last Wednesday when he found out that the biopsy was 'positive'. Not only has not communicating had it's usual traumatic effect, but it has all felt so much more final and permanent than I expected. How decisive and conclusive he felt/feels he needs be there for her, has been a total blow. 

What's made this 'break' worse is how close we came to almost having it all - together. He had rented a place, started outfitting it with furniture. He even told her all about me, in hopes she would 'let him go' (my words, not his). And here we are now ...

I'm broken, I can't stop crying.

[Daisy Rose]

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughtful replies. 

I'm beside myself these days. We've barely had any contact since last Wednesday when he found out that the biopsy was 'positive'. Not only has not communicating had it's usual traumatic effect, but it has all felt so much more final and permanent than I expected. How decisive and conclusive he felt/feels he needs be there for her, has been a total blow. 

What's made this 'break' worse is how close we came to almost having it all - together. He had rented a place, started outfitting it with furniture. He even told her all about me, in hopes she would 'let him go' (my words, not his). And here we are now ...

I'm broken, I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue, jonesygrl. It's hard when the hopes and dreams for a particular future get crushed.



As someone who had a severely ill spouse, I know how time consuming caregiving can be. It's mentally and physically exhausting. Doesn't leave a lot of time for the well spouse to have other relationships. Especially if there are children to take care of. My mother was also wss a cancer patient, and it was a hard three years for all of us before she passed away. It's so difficult to know what the prognosis is for some of these diseases.

I don't recall you saying what stage BW's cancer is. Hopefully they caught it early and her treatments will be over in a matter of months and she is in remission. A diagnosis like that though can really make people rethink life though. Do you think MM will want to resume an EMR? From my own experience, I can almost guarantee he'll reach out to you eventually.

My MM's wife is a breast cancer survivor, and it was always on my mind that her cancer would return before MM left his marriage. Almost 20 years later, she's still doing fine, and yet they're still married.

[OUrania]

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughtful replies. 

I'm beside myself these days. We've barely had any contact since last Wednesday when he found out that the biopsy was 'positive'. Not only has not communicating had it's usual traumatic effect, but it has all felt so much more final and permanent than I expected. How decisive and conclusive he felt/feels he needs be there for her, has been a total blow. 

What's made this 'break' worse is how close we came to almost having it all - together. He had rented a place, started outfitting it with furniture. He even told her all about me, in hopes she would 'let him go' (my words, not his). And here we are now ...

I'm broken, I can't stop crying.

Don't be too broken.  Be grateful that you didn't move in together .

I think he probably would have gone home to care for his wife.  
 They have bonds and time together that he can't put aside.  I feel so much for you and for him also.
He probably would love to be with you but his sense of duty outweighs every thing.  I had an MM like that for 15 years.
We are no longer together.
Thinking of you.

Ouranai.