Hi. In a pretty complicated situation

[confusedbutcute]

Hi. As the title says, I’m in a pretty complicated situation and I don’t know how to deal with it.

So I started an affair with a married man 10 months ago. He’s older ( by a LOT) and I live with him and his wife. The affair didn’t start until after I moved in, I was attracted to him prior but had no idea this would ever happen. 

He can’t leave his wife because she relies on him completely, financially, physically, for everything in life. She can’t even make her own food. 

I’m good friends with both MM and the wife. I care about her, but I do resent her somewhat because I can’t have a full relationship. But obviously I feel guilty because of the whole married man thing and because she’s semi-disabled. But the disability is not why he is looking for an EMR. He checked out of the marriage years ago because she had issues with addiction. 

Now she’s in the hospital and I feel terrible all around. Guilty, anxious, I feel bad for her. I don’t know what to do. I really love him and he can’t ever leave her so I have to figure out how to be ok with all of this.

[Daisy Rose]

Welcome to the forum, Confused. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this complicated situation.

I am wondering, if you don't mind me asking, why you are living in their home, and if you have a place to go to should BW find out about the affair and require you to leave?

[confusedbutcute]

Too long to answer tbh, I can’t get into it right now. Yes I could stay with family, but then I’d have to explain why I moved out Daisy RoseWelcome to the forum, Confused. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this complicated situation.

I am wondering, if you don't mind me asking, why you are living in their home, and if you have a place to go to should BW find out about the affair and require you to leave?

[Daisy Rose]

Too long to answer tbh, I can’t get into it right now. Yes I could stay with family, but then I’d have to explain why I moved out

Looking forward to hearing more about your story when you feel comfortable sharing. You've found a good place for understand and encouragement.

[confusedbutcute]

Looking forward to hearing more about your story when you feel comfortable sharing. You've found a good place for understand and encouragement.

Thank you. I do also have a therapist (actually two of them) to help me deal with all of this. 

I moved in for work related stuff, and because we were all good friends and due to family situations I needed to find a place to live. 

Right now I'm just scared to let myself feel anything negative towards her. It makes me feel like an awful person. I happen to also struggle with OCD and have a pretty strong moral complex. I'm not heartless. I'm terrified of that.

It's just nice to have a sounding board here. 

How do you deal with jealousy/resentment? 

I worry about keeping the secret but honestly that barely matters. Most people in town know I live and spend a lot of time with this couple, so I assume they'd never think anything of it lol. How could we (logically) have an affair in the same house?

[Harlow]

Jealousy dies down early IME. I was never jealous of BW but there was a time I envied her for the servant she had in Gable. And then I realized how selfish that made me look and feel, and I then began to appreciate all that I had with him. You’ll get there.

[treasure]

Jealousy dies down early IME. I was never jealous of BW but there was a time I envied her for the servant she had in Gable. And then I realized how selfish that made me look and feel, and I then began to appreciate all that I had with him. You’ll get there.

That is so interesting, Harlow. I feel the same way and wonder if OW adapt their thought pattern very early in the process to accept the "double" situation, knowing that the MM cannot/will not leave the marriage. 
Switching the brain to "no jealousy" mode might be the key to the EMR working long term. If the OW continue to be haunted by jealousy, it is likely they start pressuring him to "choose" and eventually everything falls apart.
Interestingly enough, if the OW was in the "wife" role and their MM (the same man, now married to them) had an OW in the current wife (if that make ...would they be jealous? Most likely yes, because social roles mess with our brains.

"I'd be jealous as a wife to the same man I'm an OW for now?" 
Hmm....

[confusedbutcute]

That is so interesting, Harlow. I feel the same way and wonder if OW adapt their thought pattern very early in the process to accept the "double" situation, knowing that the MM cannot/will not leave the marriage. 
Switching the brain to "no jealousy" mode might be the key to the EMR working long term. If the OW continue to be haunted by jealousy, it is likely they start pressuring him to "choose" and eventually everything falls apart.
Interestingly enough, if the OW was in the "wife" role and their MM (the same man, now married to them) had an OW in the current wife (if that make ...would they be jealous? Most likely yes, because social roles mess with our brains.

"I'd be jealous as a wife to the same man I'm an OW for now?" 
Hmm....

[confusedbutcute]

Also sorry about my not so great reply format lol. Still figuring this whole thing out

[JustHer]

That is so interesting, Harlow. I feel the same way and wonder if OW adapt their thought pattern very early in the process to accept the "double" situation, knowing that the MM cannot/will not leave the marriage. 
Switching the brain to "no jealousy" mode might be the key to the EMR working long term. If the OW continue to be haunted by jealousy, it is likely they start pressuring him to "choose" and eventually everything falls apart.
Interestingly enough, if the OW was in the "wife" role and their MM (the same man, now married to them) had an OW in the current wife (if that make ...would they be jealous? Most likely yes, because social roles mess with our brains.

"I'd be jealous as a wife to the same man I'm an OW for now?" 
Hmm....

I was never really jealous of BW -  I was jealous of the TIME she got with him.

Which in my opinion she wasted.  Looking at things with different eyes now.

I think its one of things you have to accept or you go crazy.  it is wht it is.

[treasure]

I was never really jealous of BW -  I was jealous of the TIME she got with him.

Which in my opinion she wasted.  Looking at things with different eyes now.

I think its one of things you have to accept or you go crazy.  it is wht it is.

Very true. It's easy to go down the rabbit hole when you think of all the domestic things they do, but this is probably why EMR's among married people (both) probably work best. When the OW is single it must be much harder.

[confusedbutcute]

Very true. It's easy to go down the rabbit hole when you think of all the domestic things they do, but this is probably why EMR's among married people (both) probably work best. When the OW is single it must be much harder.

Oh yeah I’m not really jealous of her per se. more their past together. It’s not like they currently have some amazing relationship.

And she doesn’t get anything I don’t get from him besides some financial stuff. But oh well. Again, I literally live with them for free and I enjoy my independence with finances like my car etc. he sleeps with me in my bed pretty often. We have wonderful sex (they haven’t had any for four years). He makes me dinner every night or takes me out. Yes she is often there if we go out and always there at home but I like her as a person.

[Sandrine]

Oh yeah I’m not really jealous of her per se. more their past together. It’s not like they currently have some amazing relationship.

And she doesn’t get anything I don’t get from him besides some financial stuff. But oh well. Again, I literally live with them for free and I enjoy my independence with finances like my car etc. he sleeps with me in my bed pretty often. We have wonderful sex (they haven’t had any for four years). He makes me dinner every night or takes me out. Yes she is often there if we go out and always there at home but I like her as a person.

HI Confused,
I know this is a very difficult situation in which you find yourself.  Do you have intimacy with your MM in the home, or elsewhere as when the BW is around that could be difficult (and perhaps add to MM's thrill).   This seems it might be a good idea to have a backup plan if there is a D Day and you are put in a situation where you need to find other housing.

I am sorry for the emotional and ethical quandary you are in.  

[cenedra]

I was listening to a Lex Friedman podcast recently and he had a very renound divorce lawyer on

They were talking about the reasons people get divorced and he said that affairs are still the number one cited reason ( though as he said affairs are very rarely the cause )

He also said that besides social media, the most common type of affsir he sees (as in what ends up in his office) are precisely the situation you find yourself in . Where someone moves into someone else's home as a nanny or a carer and then feelings develop between them and someone in the marriage.

I only point this out to try and alleviate the guilt you feel a bit . Living with someone day in and day out to whom you have feelings, it must be so so difficult to try and resist that . So give yourself a break and try not to be so hard on yourself

Now the one thing I will say is that if this gets discovered, it sounds like he isn't in a position to leave her or she in a position to leave him, so I think the natural course will be for you to lose your job and to be asked to leave the home . Just as long as you have some sort of exit strategy if the worst were to happen

Also if your career is a carer and this is not just a once off, then carer posts rely heavily in references. Most people who are looking for somebody to care for a loved one will do pretty thorough back ground checks. So i would prepare just in case. Have him write you glowing letters of recommendation now and keep them so you don't have to ask for them if a dday were to ever happen .

Now these are worst case scenarios, chances are you will be fine. Do you think that perhaps BW knows and is turning a blind eye. It sound as if she is ill and sex isn't an option in their marriage. So perhaps that you are there and she knows you and its all kept under the one roof, might be ok with her? She may just be chosing not to make a deal out of it and just let things continue as they are ?

[confusedbutcute]

I was listening to a Lex Friedman podcast recently and he had a very renound divorce lawyer on

They were talking about the reasons people get divorced and he said that affairs are still the number one cited reason ( though as he said affairs are very rarely the cause )

He also said that besides social media, the most common type of affsir he sees (as in what ends up in his office) are precisely the situation you find yourself in . Where someone moves into someone else's home as a nanny or a carer and then feelings develop between them and someone in the marriage. 

I only point this out to try and alleviate the guilt you feel a bit . Living with someone day in and day out to whom you have feelings,  it must be so so difficult to try and resist that . So give yourself a break and try not to be so hard on yourself

Now the one thing I will say is that if this gets discovered,  it sounds like he isn't in a position to leave her or she in a position to leave him,  so I think the natural course will be for you to lose your job and to be asked to leave the home . Just as long as you have some sort of exit strategy if the worst were to happen

Also if your career is a carer and this is not just a once off, then carer posts rely heavily in references.  Most people who are looking for somebody to care for a loved one will do pretty thorough back ground checks.  So i would prepare just in case. Have him write you glowing letters of recommendation now and keep them so you don't have to ask for them if a dday were to ever happen .

Now these are worst case scenarios,  chances are you will be fine. Do you think that perhaps BW knows and is turning a blind eye.  It sound as if she is ill and sex isn't an option in their marriage.  So perhaps that you are there and she knows you and its all kept under the one roof, might be ok with her? She may just be chosing not to make a deal out of it and just let things continue as they are ?

 My career is not as a carer. 

I don't know for sure if she knows. Apparently she mentioned to a family friend that the two of us are together. Another time he said to her "You know I'm having sex with _____, right?" and she said "it is what it is." But I wasn't there, so I only have his word about these incidents. But there has been no formal discussion with BW. She does know that we spend a lot of time together besides just working. In fact, she usually tells him to hang out with me when he's stressed. She has seen him leaving my bedroom several times and said nothing. 

I also don't know for sure how she would react. He's told me that in the past she was open to him being with someone else. And again, she doesn't seem to care how often we are together... We have discussed telling her but obviously it's important that we KNOW she would be ok with it. My therapist told me it may be better to keep it quiet to "maintain her dignity" as well. 

I do know that BW likes me a lot. She tells me often how much she cares and how glad she is that I'm there to help her and her husband.

[confusedbutcute]

HI Confused,
I know this is a very difficult situation in which you find yourself.  Do you have intimacy with your MM in the home, or elsewhere as when the BW is around that could be difficult (and perhaps add to MM's thrill).   This seems it might be a good idea to have a backup plan if there is a D Day and you are put in a situation where you need to find other housing.

I am sorry for the emotional and ethical quandary you are in.  

We are intimate in the home, while BW is around.

[Sandrine]

We are intimate in the home, while BW is around.

Oh that's hard.  I caution you are you are significantly younger than your MM, to be careful of your feelings here.  You have some dependence on this couple for your housing, be conscious of whether you are being taken advantage of for your MM's benefit.   You are the one here who stands to lose here, not him or his BW.   His age and stability with BW mean he is at the advantage here and you're a woman he may care for but you are also convenient and it's not like him conducting an EMR with a woman his age, who has her own place and independence.  I say this with care and concern.

[cenedra]

 My career is not as a carer. 

I don't know for sure if she knows. Apparently she mentioned to a family friend that the two of us are together. Another time he said to her "You know I'm having sex with _____, right?" and she said "it is what it is." But I wasn't there, so I only have his word about these incidents. But there has been no formal discussion with BW. She does know that we spend a lot of time together besides just working. In fact, she usually tells him to hang out with me when he's stressed. She has seen him leaving my bedroom several times and said nothing. 

I also don't know for sure how she would react. He's told me that in the past she was open to him being with someone else. And again, she doesn't seem to care how often we are together... We have discussed telling her but obviously it's important that we KNOW she would be ok with it. My therapist told me it may be better to keep it quiet to "maintain her dignity" as well. 

I do know that BW likes me a lot. She tells me often how much she cares and how glad she is that I'm there to help her and her husband.

She may know and your therapist may be right she might just not want to discuss it openly. From everything you have written I'd say she does.

It makes sense, she either can't or doesn't want her husband sexually and it seems like she likes and trusts you. So look really if this just continues as is it really seems like its a situation that would work for all 3 of you !

[confusedbutcute]

Oh that's hard.  I caution you are you are significantly younger than your MM, to be careful of your feelings here.  You have some dependence on this couple for your housing, be conscious of whether you are being taken advantage of for your MM's benefit.   You are the one here who stands to lose here, not him or his BW.   His age and stability with BW mean he is at the advantage here and you're a woman he may care for but you are also convenient and it's not like him conducting an EMR with a woman his age, who has her own place and independence.  I say this with care and concern.

He and I have gone over this issue many times. We were friends and he cared for me and allowed me to stay with them before any relationship occurred (and at the time I self-identified as lesbian and had a girlfriend).