10-26-2023, 07:10 PM
Hi, So like most of you mine is a twisty and complicated situation. And I have a hard time articulating what actually happened at the end. It's been over 6 months and I keep thinking I'll get better but it hasn't happened. I keep making up scenarios in my head about how we'll come back together and how he's pining away for me just as much as I am him but in the back of my head I know that's not true. We haven't spoken. The last thing he said to me was in an email to "move on". I know right. How dumb am I to not listen to that massive hint but how could it change so fast. How could one day can he "not stop thinking about me" and the next telling me to "move on". Yes, in between those two days so much happened, like me quitting (he was my manager), me texting someone who I thought ways a friend something stupid about how angry I was at my manager because I thought he was setting me up but turns out I was being lied to by multiple people at the company (very very toxic work place), then my "friend" going to the CEO and showing him the text. I don't know why he did. Honestly I didn't flat out say that we were having an affair but it was implied that I knew something about my manager that would hurt him professionally and personally. I was very very very angry and hurt at the time and I make really stupid quick decisions when I'm angry. But I wanted him to hurt. Months earlier before anything happened physically but we were texting my husband (soon to be ex) was sent an anonymous text that he should be worried about me and my manager and then he looked though my texts. At the time my manager barely acknowledged the situation. We ended up starting everything all over again a month later but at the end I just wanted him to hurt like I had. He and his wife are still together and at the time I didn't think it fair. But in all honesty fair has no place here. The guilt I still have not just for hurting my husband who didn't deserve it but also his wife. I don't know her. I know very few things and most is what he told me. But the guilt is palpable and I feel like because of it, because of what I did I don't deserve anything good, including him. I just feel so thrown away and horrible about myself. I honestly don't know how I got here. And the most cringe worthy thing is I would do it all over again. I would change the ending of course but I would do anything to explain myself. Tell him I was not the one who told the owner of the company. Days after I left I got word that my manager had left the company as well. I don't know in what capacity. Was he forced or did he do it willingly? The unanswered and the miscommunication that I want to explain is so hard to forget. I know this is probably so confusing and I sound insane. I know I created all the issues by sending that stupid stupid stupid text. I only have myself to blame but I can't let it go. My brain just won't freaking let me. There will be no one around and my dumb brain will make me think I smell his cologne. Like WHAT IS THAT!?!? How cruel! Sorry this is so long and confusing but that's my introduction. Thats where I am. Crying most nights and randomly throughout the day in the bathroom at work because I just can't get over him. I miss him so much. Even just to talk too. I just want him back in my life. He made me feel so good about myself. I hate that I need that so much but I do. Anyway I should stop before I keep going. Thank you all who read this. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
