7 Years of this

[Platypus99]

Hi, I have known this man for 7 years. We met on a dating app. He works for the government and moves around a lot, so it took us a long time to meet in person, but when we did we got on so so well. We connected physically and emotionally and we just got each other. Same silly sense of humour and could tell each other anything. He would reply to my messages always if I needed an opinion or help with something. Not living close we didn’t see each other a lot. But after a few years he moved closer to me through work. Since then we have been seeing each other much more. Always at my house. He would come to me in the evening and sometimes stay the night. Despite me wanting to go out together and date like a normal couple. We did manage a night away, but this was 4 years ago now. I was suspicious. Considering how close we lived, why we couldn’t be more official. So doing some detective work, I found via social media he was married. But not married the whole time we have known each other. But around the time we spent the night at the hotel together. I was skirt around the issue with him so see if I could get him to admit it, but it wasn’t until I showed him a screenshot of him and his wife, did he admit it. He said he didn’t want to tell me because it would mean I wouldn’t want to see him again. But by this time, 4 years into our relationship, friendship, whatever you want to call it, I’m in too deep. He has always been there for me. I can’t imagine him not being there. As much as I know it’s wrong, I can’t let him go. I have blocked him many times. Asked him to delete my number. He refuses and I end up unblocking him. I got to the stage where I have accepting the situation. I’ve never asked him to leave his wife. I know she lives nearby. something again he denies. But he has changed from coming to me in the evening, to slipping away from work in the day and flat out refusing to do anything else. It hurts me. I feel like I’m losing what we had. Which wasn’t much in the first place. We are still talking and hoping to see each other again, but he won’t commit to anything at all. I feel a change in him. Like he is trying to taper down our contact. I want to be here for him if anything happens in his relationship. I know next to nothing about his wife. I think I represent a break from reality to him. He has said he knows it’s wrong but we are both too weak. But I feel like the cr***s he throws me are now also slipping through my fingers. I don’t know what to do. X

[Harlow]

Hi Platypus99 and

You’ve come to the right place for support.

I have a friend who was with her MM for a whole year before she found out he was married. He slept over at her place often and they traveled together, but when he went off to “camp with his brother“ she realized that something was off when he didn’t answer her calls. She did some detective work and found out he was married. She broke up with him and began dating, but he was in love and didn’t want to lose her. She made sure that he got pictures of the dates and this drove him nuts. I’m not saying you should do this, I am just sharing her experience. Three years later, he finally divorced his second wife and he married her. She believed he left because she was “the better option” because her income would be more than what he’d have to pay in alimony and he loved her more. Win/win.

Do you wonder if your MM is seeing someone else? I mean, why become distant now after you’ve accepted being in an EMR with him?

I have another friend who went through the same thing you are going through. He was dating two women, married one of them, and held onto the other one for nearly 20 years. That last year of his EMR, the OW knocked on my friend’s door and informed her that she knew he had two women in his life while she was dating him, and that he chose the BW but now she felt the BW needed to know. My friend chose to divorce her husband because she felt like she never knew him at all. I think in his mind he chose “the better one” because she was gainfully employed, and would eventually land a fantastic retirement lifestyle. But he obviously loved the other one because he held onto her for those 20 years. They are now married, and my friend is enjoying her retirement in solitude.

I guess I share all this to say that you are not alone. This happens all the time, it’s just not widely shared for obvious reasons. I’m sure you can enjoy a long term EMR but it does take two to work at making it great, and he sounds a little detached atm. Have you approached him about this?