Divorced/Single with a MM since June 2021

[LightBulbFairy]

I hope this evening finds everyone well.  
I met a MM in May 2021 the day after I told my now ex-husband i wanted a divorce.   I wasn't looking to meet anyone, simply happened on the first day of my divorce journey.  It was at work.  He was there for a training class from another company.  Was it fate? Are there accidents in life?  He charmed me and had his hands in pocket so I didnt see his ring.  When I saw it I pointed to my ring finger like what the heck? (I had removed my ring weeks before so he assumed I was single).  He said doesnt bother me if it doesnt bother you!  So long story, what I thought would be a one off hit and split has now evolved to two and a half years later.  We had our 46th meeting just this morning.   I am here because I am going through my typical "come down" after being intimate.  Feeling weepy, sad, insecure, unsure if I will ever hear from or see him again.  Everytime we meet it is always that same feeling.  She could find out and that will be it. Lights out. I will never feel his touch again. I ask myself after every encounter, do I really care about this guy or simply care about someone desiring me?   He has always come back even if I ignore him for weeks or try to cold turkey the whole thing.  I think he has forgotten me then he pops up and summons me to his bed.  I obey.   We use email to communicate.  Never text or call for descretion.  He has been explicit from day 1 he wants me exclusive to him and I have honored this.  I dont eff around anyways so this has never been an issue to only be with him.  I enjoy only being with him but it is rather cliche on his part to be with his wife every night.  Once his wife called when we were together and he had to answer.  She absolutely railed him because he turned off his gps.  She called him every expletive and was so trashy and disrespectful. I felt awful for him. It seemed obvious why he strays.  He once called her his parole officer.  I dont know if I should feel sorry for him or wonder if he is a dirty dog.   Maybe he has other partners and I just fit in a slot when someone else cant make it.  He says there are no others and says I am his forever.  In beginning he said he will never leave his wife.  I wouldnt want him to as he has a six year old, the mcmansion in a sanitized neighborhood, dual income, a pool, three cars, etc.  He is the patriarch of his family unit.  It would be a mess.  And everyone knows it never works when a man leaves his wife for AP.  
I dont want to feel so empty anymore.  Yet all I have to do is disappear, be strong, block him, and move on.  But why cant I take that first step?  Erase him from my mind?  Im so afraid of the pain of missing him yet suffer the pain of missing him every day.  I want to talk to others who understand.  I know I deserve better.  Why am I settling for this??!!

[Daisy Rose]

Welcome to TS, LightBulbFairy. You've found a good place for understanding and encouragement.

Contrary to your statement about it never working when a man leaves his wife for AP, some relationships that start out as an EMR do work out as a traditional relationship, and are more successful than the marriage the MM had with his BW. There are a few of those here on this forum.

[Daisy Rose]

I dont want to feel so empty anymore.  Yet all I have to do is disappear, be strong, block him, and move on.  But why cant I take that first step?  Erase him from my mind?  Im so afraid of the pain of missing him yet suffer the pain of missing him every day.  I want to talk to others who understand.  I know I deserve better.  Why am I settling for this??!!

You'll end it when you're ready.
Maybe you are still holding onto hope that he might leave his wife. ??

[Sandy]

Welcome!

It sounds like he has a history -- it's rare when a spouse has a GPS tracker just for fun. I suspect he's been down this path before and has been caught and his wife agreed to stay married and he agreed to stop with the other person. But if the marriage isn't satisfying him or he really prefers more than one partner, it's hard to erase all of that.

My suggestions to you, if you are interested in ending this.

First, you (or me or anyone) don't erase the people we dated in our past. We remember them, sometimes fondly, but we believe they are firmly in the past. I suggest framing MM in that context. He appeared like a prize for deciding to divorce, to carry you through the hard process of divorce, and he was meant to be there for a period -- not forever. He is great, but there are other men out there. He's told you he doesn't want to divorce. You have your answer about your future.

While going cold-turkey on communication might be too hard, you can start by delaying your responses to him. Answer his emails or see him, but just not on his terms -- do it on your terms. Slowly pull away.

Evaluate your day to day life. Are you seeing your friends? Do you have hobbies or activities or things to do that you're actually doing? Is work satisfying? Work on those things, make sure those are strong and exist in your life.

And as you make sure you have a support system around you, and you aren't doing something drastic like cutting off all communication, you will hopefully be able to end things with him.

[Emilia]

Welcome!

It sounds like he has a history -- it's rare when a spouse has a GPS tracker just for fun. I suspect he's been down this path before and has been caught and his wife agreed to stay married and he agreed to stop with the other person. But if the marriage isn't satisfying him or he really prefers more than one partner, it's hard to erase all of that.

My suggestions to you, if you are interested in ending this.

First, you (or me or anyone) don't erase the people we dated in our past. We remember them, sometimes fondly, but we believe they are firmly in the past. I suggest framing MM in that context. He appeared like a prize for deciding to divorce, to carry you through the hard process of divorce, and he was meant to be there for a period -- not forever. He is great, but there are other men out there. He's told you he doesn't want to divorce. You have your answer about your future.

While going cold-turkey on communication might be too hard, you can start by delaying your responses to him. Answer his emails or see him, but just not on his terms -- do it on your terms. Slowly pull away.

Evaluate your day to day life. Are you seeing your friends? Do you have hobbies or activities or things to do that you're actually doing? Is work satisfying? Work on those things, make sure those are strong and exist in your life.

And as you make sure you have a support system around you, and you aren't doing something drastic like cutting off all communication, you will hopefully be able to end things with him.

This is what I thought too.