needing support with this

[lavender33]

I have a boyfriend who is married to another woman.  I've been seeing this married guy for a year.  His kid is now 18.  He's been married for 20+ years.  We are mid/late 40's. He complains about his wife to me often - some months are worse than others..  though he has let up from a lot of the complaining since I've been pushing him to eventually leave her.  It's an interesting relationship, I've never dated a married guy before.  Do they eventually leave the marriage if it's unfulfilling?  What would make him leave?

[JustHer]

Hi and Welcome 

Some leave some don't.

Sometimes we leave.

Has him leaving his BW been regularly discussed or is it just coming for your side?

[lavender33]

Hi and Welcome 

Some leave some don't.

Sometimes we leave.

Has him leaving his BW been regularly discussed or is it just coming for your side?

I brought it up about 3 months into the relationship (I've been with him a year).  He said he doesn't know what he wants at this time, but he did say it was possible.. but not now and no promises.  I feel like he's sticking around to see what happens with her, because he seems to get hopeful when she starts paying more attention to him again.  It is mostly coming from my side, though he did say he was going to ask her for a divorce if she doesn't change.  But then she magically starts changing and doing what he wants ... for a few weeks.. maybe a couple months.. and he actually tells me at that time he's happy in his marriage.  And then he gets frustrated with her again and complains about her and gives me tons of attention.

[Evening-Coffee]

Hi Lavender,
I haven’t been around much for awhile. I’m married and was in an EMR for about two years. My xMM was pretty mixed about his M too…there were issues but he made it clear no divorce was happening. I think he got into an EMR  in order to keep his M intact…sounds crazy, but it happens a lot. My xMM also said…maybe in the future he will divorce, he loved his wife, etc
Why is your MM in an EMR? Have you talked about that? I think a lot of women get into an EMR to exit a M…men often will do it as a way to get needs met while still maintaining their M
I ended up wanting more out of my EMR and we broke up. I’ve had one 4 mos EMR since then. Started out promising, but fizzled quick. That xMM also wanted to stay married but had other needs he wanted met to stay in the M. This time around, I understood that but was guarded and just couldn’t maintain an emotional/physical Connection under these circumstances

[lavender33]

Hi Lavender,
I haven’t been around much for awhile. I’m married and was in an EMR for about two years. My xMM was pretty mixed about his M too…there were issues but he made it clear no divorce was happening. I think he got into an EMR  in order to keep his M intact…sounds crazy, but it happens a lot. My xMM also said…maybe in the future he will divorce, he loved his wife, etc
Why is your MM in an EMR? Have you talked about that? I think a lot of women get into an EMR to exit a M…men often will do it as a way to get needs met while still maintaining their M
I ended up wanting more out of my EMR and we broke up. I’ve had one 4 mos EMR since then. Started out promising, but fizzled quick. That xMM also wanted to stay married but had other needs he wanted met to stay in the M. This time around, I understood that but was guarded and just couldn’t maintain an emotional/physical Connection under these circumstances

Thanks for your reply.  He said he is not sexually compatible with his wife... and no sex for several years.  He says he's not attracted to her physically.  He also has a hard time just hanging out with her for shared activities.  But they do get along.. though it seems like it's more a chore for them to get along.  They do well handling their finances, parenting, and they are both nice people overall.  He rarely feels emotionally connected to her, which I think is what made him open to the EMR.  It's frustrating because I meet a lot of his needs.  And I could meet all of them if he would let me (like with doing wife/family stuff too).  But he seems to want to keep it split between me and his wife, at least for now.  He's been married a very long time and he's having trouble with the idea of ending it.  I can see what you mean by the OW wanting to break up, because this is the hardest relationship I've ever been in emotionally.  It's almost not worth it.  I'm giving it a bit longer though.

[Emilia]

Thanks for your reply.  He said he is not sexually compatible with his wife... and no sex for several years.  He says he's not attracted to her physically.  He also has a hard time just hanging out with her for shared activities.  But they do get along.. though it seems like it's more a chore for them to get along.  They do well handling their finances, parenting, and they are both nice people overall.  He rarely feels emotionally connected to her, which I think is what made him open to the EMR.  It's frustrating because I meet a lot of his needs.  And I could meet all of them if he would let me (like with doing wife/family stuff too).  But he seems to want to keep it split between me and his wife, at least for now.  He's been married a very long time and he's having trouble with the idea of ending it.  I can see what you mean by the OW wanting to break up, because this is the hardest relationship I've ever been in emotionally.  It's almost not worth it.  I'm giving it a bit longer though.

In my experience, if he's not even discussing leaving, or making a "I'm leaving" statement, he's probably not even close to leaving.

In my opinion, the key to true happiness in an EMR is to accept the relationship for what it is. Enjoy your time with him, enjoy the moments, and also enjoy your life outside of the EMR. EMR's evolve and change, and it's possible that he could leave, but if he's not openly talking about it, he's most likely not even planning to leave.

It's important to note that some MM talk about leaving, promise to leave, give timelines, and end up not leaving. There are just no guarantees.

[Evening-Coffee]

Thanks for your reply.  He said he is not sexually compatible with his wife... and no sex for several years.  He says he's not attracted to her physically.  He also has a hard time just hanging out with her for shared activities.  But they do get along.. though it seems like it's more a chore for them to get along.  They do well handling their finances, parenting, and they are both nice people overall.  He rarely feels emotionally connected to her, which I think is what made him open to the EMR.  It's frustrating because I meet a lot of his needs.  And I could meet all of them if he would let me (like with doing wife/family stuff too).  But he seems to want to keep it split between me and his wife, at least for now.  He's been married a very long time and he's having trouble with the idea of ending it.  I can see what you mean by the OW wanting to break up, because this is the hardest relationship I've ever been in emotionally.  It's almost not worth it.  I'm giving it a bit longer though.

My xMM said the same…they raised kids together well, finances in order… sexual compatibility was bad and a lack of emotional connection between 
the two of them. So…he sought an EMR for those things. Problem for me was I fell in love with him and wanted to be with him openly..and he was quite comfortable with the EMR. He never told me he was leaving…and that never changed during our time together

It’s just my experience and I do think you have to find happiness with how your R is with him right now…like Emilia said.

Does your MM have children?

[lavender33]

My xMM said the same…they raised kids together well, finances in order… sexual compatibility was bad and a lack of emotional connection between 
the two of them. So…he sought an EMR for those things. Problem for me was I fell in love with him and wanted to be with him openly..and he was quite comfortable with the EMR. He never told me he was leaving…and that never changed during our time together

It’s just my experience and I do think you have to find happiness with how your R is with him right now…like Emilia said.

Does your MM have children?

He has one kid who is in college.  It's an interesting experience.. dating this MM.  He is also a friend now, since we have a lot in common.  There's more to the story, but I don't want to post too much because of privacy issues.  It's an interesting story, lots of details.  Sometimes I wonder maybe I fell in love with him because I stuck around long enough because this is so intense and he gives me tons of attention.  Like his focus is very much on me.  If we were both single, upon first meeting, we may not have gotten so close so quickly.  But he and I give each other a captive audience.  Also, going through this with someone, and respecting their privacy, and all the emotional sharing...  it creates a stronger bond I think.  Like we can have that when dating someone who is not married, but I'm not sure those men share as much as quickly.  It's a bit different... this type of relationship requires a lot of trust early on. It's not as fulfilling as other relationships I've had, because it's restricted, but their are other dynamics.

I appreciate what you and Emilia said about trying to enjoy the R as it is.   It fluctuates.  Sometimes I can, and sometimes it's harder to.  

I'm going through another difficult time in my life, so I am going to give this EMR more time, since it's a nice distraction.

[JustHer]

He has one kid who is in college.  It's an interesting experience.. dating this MM.  He is also a friend now, since we have a lot in common.  There's more to the story, but I don't want to post too much because of privacy issues.  It's an interesting story, lots of details.  Sometimes I wonder maybe I fell in love with him because I stuck around long enough because this is so intense and he gives me tons of attention.  Like his focus is very much on me.  If we were both single, upon first meeting, we may not have gotten so close so quickly.  But he and I give each other a captive audience.  Also, going through this with someone, and respecting their privacy, and all the emotional sharing...  it creates a stronger bond I think.  Like we can have that when dating someone who is not married, but I'm not sure those men share as much as quickly.  

I appreciate what you and Emilia said about trying to enjoy the R as it is.   It fluctuates.  Sometimes I can, and sometimes it's harder to.  

I'm going through another difficult time in my life, so I am going to give this EMR more time, since it's a nice distraction.

I think this is key to you enjoying it, don't make it your primary focus in life.  

I do tend to agree with Emilia - if he isn't the one bringing it up then it isn't on his list of priorities.

I too had a very close connection with my ex -MM who is now single and a very, very dear friend, it's a very complicated R.    We still are exceptionally close but have ridden out a horrendous storm.  He ended up in a DDay because of AOW, it nearly killed me.  But time and clear open communication have seen up come out the other side.      

He is separated now and will D his BW when the legal time has passed.

An EMR should truly be looked at as an 'extra ' to your life.

I'm sorry you have other difficulties gin on as well.

[lavender33]

I think this is key to you enjoying it, don't make it your primary focus in life.  

I do tend to agree with Emilia - if he isn't the one bringing it up then it isn't on his list of priorities.

I too had a very close connection with my ex -MM who is now single and a very, very dear friend, it's a very complicated R.    We still are exceptionally close but have ridden out a horrendous storm.  He ended up in a DDay because of AOW, it nearly killed me.  But time and clear open communication have seen up come out the other side.      

He is separated now and will D his BW when the legal time has passed.

An EMR should truly be looked at as an 'extra ' to your life.

I'm sorry you have other difficulties gin on as well.

Thank you.

[Virginia]

That's a very good point, enjoying the R, but making sure to focus on one's own life and on other good things in life! Thanks so much, I really needed that today!!

[Cammie01]

In my experience, if he's not even discussing leaving, or making a "I'm leaving" statement, he's probably not even close to leaving. 

In my opinion, the key to true happiness in an EMR is to accept the relationship for what it is.  Enjoy your time with him, enjoy the moments, and also enjoy your life outside of the EMR.  EMR's evolve and change, and it's possible that he could leave, but if he's not openly talking about it, he's most likely not even planning to leave.

It's important to note that some MM talk about leaving, promise to leave, give timelines, and end up not leaving.  There are just no guarantees.

Lavender33

I've bolded the above, because I couldn't say it better.

Sharing our experiences is the best way we can support anyone choosing an EMR. I believe I've been blessed in many ways, due to my EMRs. I started out here hoping my first EMR would transition, and in hindsight, I'm so glad it was what it was and I'm better for it.

This group has much to offer- keep sharing and reading.