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My Worst Dreams Realized
#1
Hello everyone.  I'm probably going to keep this Intro short.  I'm really not in a good place right now, so I don't know how much I'm going to be able to get out, but I will try.  I have been with this man for 10 years.  Both of us married.  We were very much in love.  We texted every single day.  Starting with a morning hello, and ending with a "goodnight", "love you".  Almost every single day ... for 10 years.  We were never planning to leave our families to be together.  We guarded our relationship very carefully.  We communicated through private email and facebook accounts that nobody knew about.

My nightmare began last Saturday.  We had texted a bit during the day.  Not a very active day, but completely normal for a weekend when spouses are around, and we're otherwise occupied.  He'd been dealing with a bad headache.  He signed off early that night to go to bed and get some rest, hoping whatever it was, would go away.  Sunday rolls around.  I have a pretty busy day, and don't get around to getting a message to him until afternoon.  No reply.  I check again that evening.  Still nothing.  I'm not exactly panicking at this point, but nervous and worried for sure.  It's just not like him to go all day without sending a message.  I try to calm myself going to bed.  Tell myself that I will find out what is going on the following day (Monday).

Wake up the next morning.  Check my messages. Nothing.  I don't have to be at work that day, so I decide I'm going to drive by his house, which is in the neighboring  city, so I have to drive about 30 miles.  Well, there's nothing to see when I drive by the first time.  House looks quiet.  No cars out front.  I pass some time driving to some stores and gassing up nearby, and about every hour or so, I drive by again.  The last drive-by, there's about 4-5 cars our front.  Not his or his wife's cars (which are in the garage).  I see about 4-5 people walking up to the house.  I can't explain how I know, but it was a "grief walk".  I just knew.  Right then and there, I knew.  He was gone.

That was a week ago today.  The obituary finally showed up a couple of days ago.  My first true confirmation though, was a very short, harsh email from his granddaughter.  She had accessed his email account and saw all of the emails we had exchanged.  Called me a homewrecker and told me to take a leap off a tall structure.  This, of course, has done two things.  First, it has shattered my heart that his family found out, because the last thing we ever wanted to do was hurt our families.  I know everything about his family.  I actually have a lot of respect for his family, and my heart breaks for them too.  But the second thing this has done, it has made me go from just grieving to a complete nervous wreck, thinking that his granddaughter is going to seek me out and expose me to my family.   The grief is bad enough.  I have not been eating.  I don't sleep well.  My brain is  not working at full capacity right now, and I can't just break down and cry, because I'm grieving someone who I was never suppossed to be with.
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#2
OMG!! I'm so sorry Jasgirl. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I've been with my MM for 14 years, also with no plans to leave. We did have a dday, but we were so careful most of the time. First, I'm so sorry for your loss, but want to address your dday. Please be sure to lock down all of your social media, especially anything that may identify who your spouse is, or your children. Hide where you work, live and any contact information. If your late MM's wife, daughter or granddaughter is going to do anything, it will most likely be after a period of mourning. BW may reach out to you with questions because unfortunately, she's not going to be able to get them from her husband. It's up to you if you eventually want to talk to her. Usually I would say not to correspond with her, but in this case, she has no one else to get answers from. I guess she has your emails, and that may give her some insight. What a terrible situation all around. Sad

Your first priority should be to your family, and protecting them. Welcome, and keep posting.
Always love yourself more.  Heart
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#3
I'm sorry you are going through this. We are here for you ,so you're not alone.
It's a terrible way to find out the passing of someone you loved for so long. I'm not sure how I'd handle the situation of the granddaughter responding to you.

I would do what Emilia said...lock down all social media asap.
Idk how to get your isp off of the server you used for emails??
Unless you did use a encrypted server, then you're OK on that end.
I'd set my phone filters on high spam alerts, no incoming calls from unknown phone numbers etc.

Please take care of you and I hope you can get some rest.
(((Jasgirl)))

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#4
Hello and Welcome

All advice has been good so I don’t have much to add. I’m sure after a while the grandchild will let it go and you’ll become a distant memory.

My friend mourned the loss of her lover in quiet reflection as she too was married. She had me, though, so that helped her. Did you talk about your MM with any friends?
No regrets
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#5
Thank you all for the feedback and support.  My world continues to move forward, even though my heart can't.  I slept better last night, with the help of sleep aids.  Still feeling foggy and tired.

So, unfortunately, his granddaughter has discovered my true identity.  10 years of emails, I'm sure I left enough information for her to figure it out.  She's a college student.  She was very close with her grandpa, so I imagine the betrayal she must be feeling right now.  What I'm not sure of, is if she's shared her discovery with any of the other family members.  I'm really just praying that she keeps it to herself.  Trying to think what I would do if I was in her shoes.  I just don't know.  All I can really do is wait.  The funeral is this Friday.  I will not be going anywhere near there.  I will need to find my own ways to grieve and remember him.  I did tell a friend about him.  That was early on in the relationship, and it proved to not be especially helpful.  My friend will always support me, but it felt wrong to mix her up in it, so, many years ago, I lied and told her it was over.  So, I really don't have a support system.  I guess that's why I'm here.   Haven't really gotten around to reading too many other posts yet.  I've also thought about looking into grief counseling.  I journal too, and that does help a little.  I want to write a letter to him.  One that I will never send, but I just need to tell him how much I miss him.  How broken I am.  How I will never regret the years we had together, and how I will never stop loving him.  Next month will be the 10-year anniversary of the first time we consummated our relationship.  It was a very romantic day we had planned for awhile.  He brought me a single yellow rose that day.  I want to take a single yellow rose to his grave on that day.
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#6
(02-13-2024, 02:07 PM)Jasgirl22 Wrote: Thank you all for the feedback and support.  My world continues to move forward, even though my heart can't.  I slept better last night, with the help of sleep aids.  Still feeling foggy and tired.

So, unfortunately, his granddaughter has discovered my true identity.  10 years of emails, I'm sure I left enough information for her to figure it out.  She's a college student.  She was very close with her grandpa, so I imagine the betrayal she must be feeling right now.  What I'm not sure of, is if she's shared her discovery with any of the other family members.  I'm really just praying that she keeps it to herself.  Trying to think what I would do if I was in her shoes.  I just don't know.  All I can really do is wait.  The funeral is this Friday.  I will not be going anywhere near there.  I will need to find my own ways to grieve and remember him.  I did tell a friend about him.  That was early on in the relationship, and it proved to not be especially helpful.  My friend will always support me, but it felt wrong to mix her up in it, so, many years ago, I lied and told her it was over.  So, I really don't have a support system.  I guess that's why I'm here.   Haven't really gotten around to reading too many other posts yet.  I've also thought about looking into grief counseling.  I journal too, and that does help a little.  I want to write a letter to him.  One that I will never send, but I just need to tell him how much I miss him.  How broken I am.  How I will never regret the years we had together, and how I will never stop loving him.  Next month will be the 10-year anniversary of the first time we consummated our relationship.  It was a very romantic day we had planned for awhile.  He brought me a single yellow rose that day.  I want to take a single yellow rose to his grave on that day.

This is a beautiful idea. I assume that you know where he will be buried? I would write your letter, and read it to him there. I just can't imagine not being able to say goodbye....we had a dday, so I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral of my MM either. Crying
Always love yourself more.  Heart
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#7
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Probably smart to stay away from the funeral and find your own ways to say goodbye. I don't know what I would do if I were in the granddaughter's shoes. Families are all different, aren't they? It's hard to predict without knowing them. I'd likely tell a sibling or cousin if I had one that I normally shared things with that I could trust. I doubt very much I'd tell any of my parents/aunts/uncles and definitely not my grandma. Unless it was a rotten marriage and I thought that knowing might help her get over her loss? At any rate, I have to imagine that their energy is very much taken up with their grieving and loss and not about trying to get revenge on the mistress or going on fact finding missions. What would anyone have to gain from that at this point? Maybe she got her anger out already by her awful email to you and that's the end of it. Still, you've had very good advice about locking things down and I would take those precautions. Even if she can figure out your identity, she may not easily be able to get ahold of your phone number or address. After doing what you can to hide, focus on yourself and your grief. You need to be able to talk to someone about it. You can post here, of course, but maybe you can come clean with your friend and she can be a source of support to you. Or one on one counseling where you can feel comfortable telling the whole truth. I think group counseling might be a tough option if you don't feel like you can tell the real story in that setting. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and for everything you must be dealing with. So hard. Please take care of yourself and try not to dwell on the email. Heart
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#8
I'm so sorry you are facing this, Jasgirl. The loss of your MM and the Dday with his family. It's hard when you must grieve in silence. Consoling2
It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.
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#9
I'm so sorry for your loss.  My heart breaks for you.  I hope you are ok, please keep posting if that helps you.  We are all here to listen.
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