I’m stuck, and don’t want to be unstuck?

[August]

I’m single. He’s married. We worked for same company 25+ years ago and started an affair about a year after he got married. We were on/off for a good 10 years for no other reason than I would find someone to date, and we remained best friends. He’s my very best friend. We talk about everything! With no judgement or ridicule. We fascinate each other. I moved away, but after 14 years I moved back BECAUSE of him! He created a job for me. He’s my boss. I sit 10’ from his office. After 14 years apart we picked up where we left off. Like no time has passed. We “see each other” 2-3 times a week. We talk/call every day. NO ONE at work would ever suspect a THING. We play it off so well it’s scary sometimes. There are ZERO signs given off, no winks, giggles, whispers, touches, sitting together at meetings, glances… absolutely NOTHING. 

He’s still married to her. I don’t want him to leave her because I know I’d never truly trust him to not do it to me. He has this persona of being a church-going above-board go-getter. Very successful. Very well liked & respected. He’d ch----d twice when I was living elsewhere. He got caught once, very publicly, but stayed married. (She’s in it for the money & “power couple” status.) 

He’s now talking about retiring in 2-4 years (he’ll be 57) and moving to the east coast with her. They barely like each other. They haven’t been intimate in 10+ years. He & I do several times a week for 10 months now. 

The idea of him moving truly guts me. I have my independent life, come & go as I please, do my own thing, no interest in meeting anyone. I had no interest in any of it before I moved back here either. I’m 50 and SO OVER trying to date anyone. This is ideal for me. 

But knowing he’s leaving in 2-4 years, I’m wrecked. I didn’t know until just now that it was that close. I was thinking he’d retire at 65! (He makes 4.5x what I make though. So it’s no surprise really). 

I love him, but we don’t say it. I’m not “in love” with him. I’ve never allowed that to be a thing. I know the boundaries & reality. We will never run off into the sunset together. But, what do I do now? The inevitable isn’t far off. I’ve been back a year now and it’s FLOWN by. If he’s saying 2-4 years, that’s NOTHIN! 

He’s my best friend. I’d never do anything to hurt him or his reputation. He’d never, EVER hurt mine. We have 25+ year history of loyalty. But… what do I do with this new knowledge of knowing he’ll leave soon.

[Harlow]

Hi and

We are over 18 years now and he moved nearly three years ago. I never thought we’d survive it but here we are somehow making it work. Plus, what’s holding you back from moving to be near him? One of my dear friends is following her BBF to another state, and they aren’t even lovers, lol.

[August]

Hi and

We are over 18 years now and he moved nearly three years ago. I never thought we’d survive it but here we are somehow making it work. Plus, what’s holding you back from moving to be near him? One of my dear friends is following her BBF to another state, and they aren’t even lovers, lol.

What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford to retire in 2 years, nor 10 years! He’ll be 16 hr drive away. If they’re both retiring she’d be up his ___ every minute of the day. I don’t want to uproot everything just to occasionally see him. He’s going in 2 weeks to the area he wants to retire to look for homes. He’s not really being very sensitive about MY take on it. I try so very, very hard to be patient & understanding- but I also stand my ground. I sacrifice a LOT to stay in this relationship. Again, it’s “ideal” because I’m left to do my own thing. The “inevitable” just seems a LOT closer than I anticipated. I’m 50, he’s 55. I figured we have another 10+ years together. Not TWO! He’s so impressive about how attentive to my feelings he is. He never makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable or unrealistic. I ask for nothing. Hell, we’ve never exchanged gifts. We are very careful about that stuff. 

The more I explain I am seeing how I’m being an idiot… I think I need to reevaluate everything.

[OUrania]

Do you think you might have overestimated your significance in his life?

I know that might sound harsh but sometimes people are in the same relationship but it is very different for each one.

Ourania.

[AbbieP71]

What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford to retire in 2 years, nor 10 years! He’ll be 16 hr drive away. If they’re both retiring she’d be up his ___ every minute of the day. I don’t want to uproot everything just to occasionally see him. He’s going in 2 weeks to the area he wants to retire to look for homes. He’s not really being very sensitive about MY take on it. I try so very, very hard to be patient & understanding- but I also stand my ground. I sacrifice a LOT to stay in this relationship. Again, it’s “ideal” because I’m left to do my own thing. The “inevitable” just seems a LOT closer than I anticipated. I’m 50, he’s 55. I figured we have another 10+ years together. Not TWO! He’s so impressive about how attentive to my feelings he is. He never makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable or unrealistic. I ask for nothing. Hell, we’ve never exchanged gifts. We are very careful about that stuff. 

The more I explain I am seeing how I’m being an idiot… I think I need to reevaluate everything.

Welcome to TS! Why do you think you are being an idiot? I too have a long history with my MM and am at that age where he will be retiring possibly in the next 3-5 years but I will not be. I don't think he has plans to move but if BW also retires it will likely change our relationship drastically.

[Harlow]

You’re not being an idiot, you’re just trying to figure out how to navigate a big change as anyone would do in your situation.

I was furious at Gable for moving and dumbfounded too because he loved his life here. His daughter asks him all the time if he’s ok because she feels guilty for starting the whole idea about moving. But we figured out how to keep it going despite the long distance. He sees me when he comes to my state to see his mom and his grands, and I see him when I visit mine who live in his state. We talk daily and make each other laugh and that’s what’s important.

In the grand scheme of things, he’s going to carry out plans he’s always had with his wife but that doesn’t make you any less important to him, and he will realize that even more after he’s made the move.

I think the trend of moving out of state is hurting our social capital in our country. We’ll be paying for it in the years to come.

You’ve moved before, can you move again? Can you look for a better job in his new area? Are you near family now? Do you have family in his new location? Lots to consider.

Gable had tons of time for me after he retired. He told BW he didn’t want to be glued at the hip with her like her parents were. Smartest thing he ever did at the time but once their daughter had a kid 15 years into his retirement it all changed and he did become glued at the hip with all of them, BW, DD, and the grand. But he says I still hold the key to his heart.

Have you shared your concerns with him? How does he react?