Navigating

[Ocean1214]

My marriage had been in a bad place for a number of years, for a variety of reasons. My BH was depressed and angry most of the time. Our sexual chemistry was never what it should have been, as I met my BH when I was very young and we also built a business together and it all got very muddled and muddy. I told myself sex wasn't that important because we were good friends. Fast forward 18 years, and I was very wrong. It is very important. 

I met my MM a couple of years ago and we were in touch here and there just as colleagues/friends. But at the end of 2023 we had a chance to spend more time together and found ourselves getting along so well. Laughs and lots in common, as well as chemistry. We made the decision to have the A in a very thought out and well communicated manner. It was not a spur of the moment decision. He made it clear from day 1 that he would not be leaving his family. I felt similarly, though I was much more miserable in my marriage. 

We fell into a groove, seeing one another a few times a week. It was passionate, fantastic, fun, and our escape. We were able to have 24+ hours together at an overnight conference when we had been together for about 3 months and that time together took the relationship to a new level of closeness. And then, as soon as I got home, my DDay came. My BH had found out about the A and had known for a couple of weeks. He told me he was moving out and he filed for divorce. It was a messy few days. I had the chance to be forgiven and work on the marriage. BH was willing to do that. But I realized I was more sad about the thought of losing my MM than I was about the marriage ending. So that was how I knew I needed this to happen-- to be the catalyst to end the marriage. I was never going to be brave enough to just end it myself. So in a way, I was glad it happened the way it did. I did not end the marriage "for" my MM, as I knew he was not going to leave his family. But I did use this relationship as my catalyst to get out of a very unhappy and toxic marriage.

I am in the midst of that divorce and still seeing my MM. We have now been together for 4 months and the connection is growing stronger every day. And many parts of the relationship keep getting better. The only downside is that he is married. I am so glad I found this support network as we navigate this challenging yet fulfilling experience. Very few people in my life know, so it is hard to process and share. My best friend, who did know, decided I was on a "different moral compass" than her and has eliminated me from her life, which is very sad. I am not a bad person, nor is he. We didn't do this to intentionally hurt anyone. We care deeply for one another, nor can we manufacture or manipulate our feelings. They just are and it is quite beautiful. Probably one of the "healthiest" relationships I have been in, in regards to communication, respect, kindness, laughter, and sex life. And this is seemingly the only place where anyone might understand that, so thank you. I look forward to learning and navigating, especially navigating how to make the EMR "enough" for myself. The good parts do far outweigh the hard, right now. 

I would have never, ever thought I would be here. I was the "good girl" my whole life and I finally gave myself permission to do what made me happy and to make mistakes and I am glad I did, for it has given me a relationship that brings me a lot of joy and comfort, especially in this particular season of my life.

[Ocean1214]

It has been about a month since my intro post/finding this site. Things are still extremely close and connected and wonderful with my MM. He is my dear friend and rock through the most challenging time in my life. We have had a few days where I grappled with wanting to be loved back in a real/normal relationship and days where I feel jealous of his BW. But any of our "harder" days were still quite amazing in terms of communication and figuring things out and building each other up. I am taking this whole experience as a lesson in living in the present. I was a planner and control freak, always wanting to micromanage every day of my future. And I would have never planned or wanted some of my current personal life circumstances or challenges, as I deal with a very ugly divorce. I am realizing all this planning and fretting and control are useless. So, the same goes with my relationship with my MM. When I spend too much time fretting over the what ifs of our relationship (what if he leaves me if she finds out, what if I am with him for 20 years and then end up alone and sad, what if I never find anyone I love as much as him etc). These hypotheticals are a giant waste of time and I am trying daily to remind myself of that. 

I still grapple with the jealousy and wanting more of his time (though we most certainly spend more time together one on one than he spends with BW and talk on the phone more as well). 

Would love to hear some wisdom regarding the jealousy and the living in the present. Thanks!

[Daisy Rose]

Welcome, Ocean. I don't come here to the forum now as often as I used to. I'm just now reading your story. I have no wisdom other than to enjoy each day with your MM as it comes if you can accept it for what it currently is. I was in a LT EMR, but had ended it several months ago because I could not accept it as it was. My MM could not follow through on leaving his marriage, so I left the EMR.

[Harlow]

Hi ocean, happy OW of 19 years here. Well, it will be 19 years this August.

I felt happier in my EMR than in my M so I was happy to end the M, like you. The R as it is is reward enough for me, I don’t need the M certificate to dictate whether I’m happy. Married people have it no better than us; you can be married 20 years when all of a sudden he leaves you or dies, at which point you really have no security. So, find happiness in yourself, everything else is just cake.

[OUrania]

Hi ocean, happy OW of 19 years here. Well, it will be 19 years this August.

I felt happier in my EMR than in my M so I was happy to end the M, like you. The R as it is is reward enough for me, I don’t need the M certificate to dictate whether I’m happy. Married people have it no better than us; you can be married 20 years when all of a sudden he leaves you or dies, at which point you really have no security. So, find happiness in yourself, everything else is just cake.

You are right Harlow.

There is really no security just because there is a marriage.

How many people have no idea what is actually happening in the marriage and assume all is OK? 
Happiness is what you make it. Do it for yourself.  As we say here, everything else is money for jam. LOL  No idea of the origin of the saying but get the meaning.
O

[Harlow]

I heard a podcast where someone read a statistic suggesting that married people actually have more stress than singles. I totally agree and relate to this. When I was married, it was always about going to company parties, his company, going to see his family every weekend, and whatever else he needed. The M wasn’t as stressful for him because I was not that demanding on him, but I know some wives are. Some people thrive on that kind of stress, I guess it makes them feel important or something, but I’ll tell you what, I do not miss marriage at all. I do miss some things like regular foot massages but that’s about it. So now I have a massage therapist, lol. And I don’t have to do any favors in return.

[Toby]

Welcome, Ocean, I am so happy that you have found this safe spot.  

I'm so sorry to hear that you have had some struggles along the way, particularly with your close friend.  I won't say any more about that, but I hope that you have others in your life that will build you up and support you.  That must have been a painful experience.  

Your relationship with MM sounds satisfying and healthy.  The fact that he is able to spend a fair bit of quality time with you is a plus.

I was never content in my EMR, mainly because he never, ever prioritized me (and I certainly did not ask for much).  His actions didn't match his words and, in the end, the pain far outweighed any joy.  I was swayed by the fairytale of what I wanted the R to be, as opposed to what it was.
And I can totally understand what you are saying about your toxic M.  I am still trying to find my way out of mine, and it is anything but easy.

If, in those moments together, you feel valued and cherished (and it sounds like you do) that is a wonderful foundation for your relationship.  I think that can also lessen the possibility of feeling envious; when you feel secure and loved. 

I personally believe that alot of happiness can be found in an EMR.  Being able to have open lines of communication and mutual understanding of what each of you needs is beneficial. My best advice is to try and find peace with "what is", and if that is a place of contentment for you, then by all means, enjoy what this relationship offers.

Again, I'm glad that you have found this community to support and embrace you. 

[Sandrine]

Hello Ocean.  I was absent from the board and am checking back in to hear others' stories.  

Your perspective is refreshing and I think much like Harlow's in that you don't expect the EMR to be a marriage, that it is an entity unto itself and you appreciate it even with its limitations.  All  while you at the same time navigate a difficult divorce. Brave and strong!

[findingmw]

It has been about a month since my intro post/finding this site. Things are still extremely close and connected and wonderful with my MM. He is my dear friend and rock through the most challenging time in my life. We have had a few days where I grappled with wanting to be loved back in a real/normal relationship and days where I feel jealous of his BW. But any of our "harder" days were still quite amazing in terms of communication and figuring things out and building each other up. I am taking this whole experience as a lesson in living in the present. I was a planner and control freak, always wanting to micromanage every day of my future. And I would have never planned or wanted some of my current personal life circumstances or challenges, as I deal with a very ugly divorce. I am realizing all this planning and fretting and control are useless. So, the same goes with my relationship with my MM. When I spend too much time fretting over the what ifs of our relationship (what if he leaves me if she finds out, what if I am with him for 20 years and then end up alone and sad, what if I never find anyone I love as much as him etc). These hypotheticals are a giant waste of time and I am trying daily to remind myself of that. 

I still grapple with the jealousy and wanting more of his time (though we most certainly spend more time together one on one than he spends with BW and talk on the phone more as well). 

Would love to hear some wisdom regarding the jealousy and the living in the present. Thanks!

From my experience, the jealousy part gradually went away. I know that doesn't help. But when I was jealous it caused me to say things and do things that I didn't mean and ended up hurting us both. I had to let myself feel it and learn to accept it with his BW.