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[Mypetsprincess]

MyPetPrincess, 
At the memorial service one of his friends said, "Jim found happiness with Mary at the end," and I practically burst out laughing.  James was active on sex sites until a couple of weeks before he died.

Before your MM's service, try breathing some lavender and having calming chamomile tea, it may help with any anxiety. Know that if you meet BW, she will appreciate your condolences and in a way, even if she doesn't know your relationship with her husband, you are strangely consoling one another.

One of Jim's ex-girlfriends was at the service; she knew that I'd had a relationship with him but never knew that it overlapped hers.  I would never tell her, even at his death.  We were very kind to each other.

Thank you for the excellent advice about the lavendar and tea! I need all the help I can get.

[Sandrine]

Thank you for the excellent advice about the lavendar and tea! I need all the help I can get.

Calming scents and teas really help, and I hate to use the cliche "centering yourself". You know who you were to him. There is power in that.

[Mypetsprincess]

Calming scents and teas really help, and I hate to use the cliche "centering yourself". You know who you were to him. There is power in that.

There truly is. We never went a day without an, "I love you" and for that, I'll always be grateful. I'm having a hard day today.

[Sandrine]

There truly is. We never went a day without an, "I love you" and for that, I'll always be grateful. I'm having a hard day today.

I'm sorry. Grieving takes a long time. A tradition I started with my kids was to honor my mother by eating something she loved (chocolate) and sharing a story about her.  For you it could be listening to a song or food, and sharing it with a friend while telling a story about your beloved MM.   Memories do become blessings, it takes time.

[Mypetsprincess]

I'm sorry. Grieving takes a long time. A tradition I started with my kids was to honor my mother by eating something she loved (chocolate) and sharing a story about her.  For you it could be listening to a song or food, and sharing it with a friend while telling a story about your beloved MM.   Memories do become blessings, it takes time.

Thank you for this. My problem is I have our entire relationship immortalized in the written word. I go back and I read and read. It makes me forget he's gone. But then I have to wake up from my reading and remember he's gone forever. I don't know what to do with my emotions. Part of me wants to delete everything so I can stop torturing myself. I mostly want to figure out a way to preserve them forever.

I'm an evil person. I want to cozy up to his wife and compare notes. I'm going to burn in hell.

[Sandrine]

Thank you for this. My problem is I have our entire relationship immortalized in the written word. I go back and I read and read. It makes me forget he's gone. But then I have to wake up from my reading and remember he's gone forever. I don't know what to do with my emotions. Part of me wants to delete everything so I can stop torturing myself. I mostly want to figure out a way to preserve them forever.

I'm an evil person.  I want to cozy up to his wife and compare notes. I'm going to burn in hell.

Cozying up to wife would be a bad idea.  
Having his thoughts in writing is a good way, when you get over the worst of grief, to remember him fondly.

[Mypetsprincess]

Cozying up to wife would be a bad idea.  
Having his thoughts in writing is a good way, when you get over the worst of grief, to remember him fondly.

A very bad idea, indeed. I made it through the memorial and managed to only have a brief conversation with his wife. I'm glad I went, but it wasn't the closure I had hoped it would be.

[Sqrlz]

Hello, I am having a bit of trouble finding support on this topic and it can feel isolating. I’m pleased to come across this forum and hope to gain some insight, connection, and strength as I navigate what I’m going to do in my situation. I’m the other woman, in a long term affair for 5 years as of Thursday. I’m feeling quite stuck for many reasons. I’m not getting any younger, and although my rational brain tells me this is going nowhere and has no hope for a future, I can’t bring myself to cut ties because I love this person I’ve known now for 7 years whom I see on a daily basis. I will keep it short for now, but I’m grateful for this forum and look forward to being a part of this community.

[Smiles2000]

Hello, I am having a bit of trouble finding support on this topic and it can feel isolating. I’m pleased to come across this forum and hope to gain some insight, connection, and strength as I navigate what I’m going to do in my situation. I’m the other woman, in a long term affair for 5 years as of Thursday. I’m feeling quite stuck for many reasons. I’m not getting any younger, and although my rational brain tells me this is going nowhere and has no hope for a future, I can’t bring myself to cut ties because I love this person I’ve known now for 7 years whom I see on a daily basis. I will keep it short for now, but I’m grateful for this forum and look forward to being a part of this community.

Hello and welcome Sqrlz! You will find this a very supportive group. I have been on and off here for a few years now... over 5 and a half years with my MM, who I have known for over 20 years.

[Sqrlz]

Hello and welcome Sqrlz! You will find this a very supportive group. I have been on and off here for a few years now... over 5 and a half years with my MM, who I have known for over 20 years.

Thank you for your response, @Smiles2000. How in the world are you coping with not having all of the person in your life fully? What are your circumstances and any advice?

[Mypetsprincess]

Hello, I am having a bit of trouble finding support on this topic and it can feel isolating. I’m pleased to come across this forum and hope to gain some insight, connection, and strength as I navigate what I’m going to do in my situation. I’m the other woman, in a long term affair for 5 years as of Thursday. I’m feeling quite stuck for many reasons. I’m not getting any younger, and although my rational brain tells me this is going nowhere and has no hope for a future, I can’t bring myself to cut ties because I love this person I’ve known now for 7 years whom I see on a daily basis. I will keep it short for now, but I’m grateful for this forum and look forward to being a part of this community.

I don't know what your situation is, but we were both married with no plans of leaving our current situations and that made things much easier. We were additions to one another's lives and in the same place. I'm not sure if I could have been single and involved with a married man, especially if I'd hoped for something more. That's just me, however. From my previous time here, I know there are plenty of single people involved with a married person who are happy and content.

What's your situation and why are you feeling stuck? How do you envision your happy ending?

[Sqrlz]

I don't know what your situation is, but we were both married with no plans of leaving our current situations and that made things much easier. We were additions to one another's lives and in the same place. I'm not sure if I could have been single and involved with a married man, especially if I'd hoped for something more. That's just me, however. From my previous time here, I know there are plenty of single people involved with a married person who are happy and content.

What's your situation and why are you feeling stuck? How do you envision your happy ending?

It sounds like your relationship worked nicely for you. I began seeing MM when I was on my way out of my marriage. In a way, I believe he chose that opportunity when he new I was not happy in my marriage. I worked with him and we knew each other well. I thought he was unhappy in his, or so he told me. It wasn't serious until 6 months later when we both realized we had deeper feelings for each other. He told me he was going to leave his wife, but you know how that goes. It never happened. He has had periods where he seemed really serious and I know his entire family, and they know me and still contact me. The only person that doesn't know is the wife. I believe she does know, however, but chooses to turn the other way. We both changed jobs and I broke things off with him because he could never fully commit to me and he was all words. However, he got a job at my place of employment and we are both in upper management, he is my boss now. LOL. We work great together but he promised me last year that his goal was to work with me again and move out of his home and divorce. He did get an attorney and spoke to his wife numerous times about divorcing her, however, he always never brought himself to actually do it. I found out he was not honest with me a few months ago when I saw his deleted texts to her. He told me they were not intimate but that was not true. He actually seems very attached to her and it broke my heart. I broke up with him and began working on myself and later started dating again, however, he became irate and sabotaged my dating experiences. It's a constant push and pull and I'm miserable. I love him but I'm trying to figure out how to break the habit. We literally work together 12 plus hours per day and then call/text constantly (unless he is out with the wife and family). I sometimes see him 2-3 times per week at my home but we never go out and do anything, and I don't receive any gifts or get to celebrate holidays. I have left him over these issues but he always promises me to make it up, which he does not. I go back and forth between feeling used and then thinking I'm crazy and that he must love me. I sound bonkers when I read my writing. Any advice would be appreciated!

[Mypetsprincess]

It sounds like your relationship worked nicely for you. I began seeing MM when I was on my way out of my marriage. In a way, I believe he chose that opportunity when he new I was not happy in my marriage. I worked with him and we knew each other well. I thought he was unhappy in his, or so he told me. It wasn't serious until 6 months later when we both realized we had deeper feelings for each other. He told me he was going to leave his wife, but you know how that goes. It never happened. He has had periods where he seemed really serious and I know his entire family, and they know me and still contact me. The only person that doesn't know is the wife. I believe she does know, however, but chooses to turn the other way. We both changed jobs and I broke things off with him because he could never fully commit to me and he was all words. However, he got a job at my place of employment and we are both in upper management, he is my boss now. LOL. We work great together but he promised me last year that his goal was to work with me again and move out of his home and divorce. He did get an attorney and spoke to his wife numerous times about divorcing her, however, he always never brought himself to actually do it. I found out he was not honest with me a few months ago when I saw his deleted texts to her. He told me they were not intimate but that was not true. He actually seems very attached to her and it broke my heart. I broke up with him and began working on myself and later started dating again, however, he became irate and sabotaged my dating experiences. It's a constant push and pull and I'm miserable. I love him but I'm trying to figure out how to break the habit. We literally work together 12 plus hours per day and then call/text constantly (unless he is out with the wife and family). I sometimes see him 2-3 times per week at my home but we never go out and do anything, and I don't receive any gifts or get to celebrate holidays. I have left him over these issues but he always promises me to make it up, which he does not. I go back and forth between feeling used and then thinking I'm crazy and that he must love me. I sound bonkers when I read my writing. Any advice would be appreciated!

I am so sorry! This sounds like such a difficult situation. My relationship with MM was not always a bed of roses, even though neither of us had plans to leave our spouses. We lived in different states, so the opportunities to physically be together were limited. We had a history from when we were much younger and he did not treat me well. This clouded my ability to trust him. About 4 or 5 years into our affair, I broke it off several times, the longest for 6 or 7 months, if memory serves. Eventually, we figured it out and for the past 10 years, never went a day without texting. What helped me was asking if I was better off with or without him in my life. My life was better with him in it. He died less than a month ago, less than 2 hours after we had last texted and I am heartbroken. Do I regret it? At the moment, yes. If I had never been involved with him, I wouldn't be so devastated now. But then, I wouldn't have had 15 years of joy, either. I think you need to sit with yourself and decide where you see yourself in five years. Then, proceed accordingly. Hugs.

[Fergiemac]

Hi,
I'm Ourania.
My computer died and I lost all my details so I am back now . Different name but same me.
Cheers.

[Harlow]

Hey O!

Can we still call you O? I’m sorry your computer crashed.

[Fergiemac]

Hey O!

Can we still call you O? I’m sorry your computer crashed.

Hi Harlow

Yes . O is more familiar to me.  

It was an unexpected computer disaster.....one day it was fine and the next the battery blew up.  Never mind, it was a good excuse to buy a lovely new lap top.

Cheers,
O

[Sandrine]

It sounds like your relationship worked nicely for you. I began seeing MM when I was on my way out of my marriage. In a way, I believe he chose that opportunity when he new I was not happy in my marriage. I worked with him and we knew each other well. I thought he was unhappy in his, or so he told me. It wasn't serious until 6 months later when we both realized we had deeper feelings for each other. He told me he was going to leave his wife, but you know how that goes. It never happened. He has had periods where he seemed really serious and I know his entire family, and they know me and still contact me. The only person that doesn't know is the wife. I believe she does know, however, but chooses to turn the other way. We both changed jobs and I broke things off with him because he could never fully commit to me and he was all words. However, he got a job at my place of employment and we are both in upper management, he is my boss now. LOL. We work great together but he promised me last year that his goal was to work with me again and move out of his home and divorce. He did get an attorney and spoke to his wife numerous times about divorcing her, however, he always never brought himself to actually do it. I found out he was not honest with me a few months ago when I saw his deleted texts to her. He told me they were not intimate but that was not true. He actually seems very attached to her and it broke my heart. I broke up with him and began working on myself and later started dating again, however, he became irate and sabotaged my dating experiences. It's a constant push and pull and I'm miserable. I love him but I'm trying to figure out how to break the habit. We literally work together 12 plus hours per day and then call/text constantly (unless he is out with the wife and family). I sometimes see him 2-3 times per week at my home but we never go out and do anything, and I don't receive any gifts or get to celebrate holidays. I have left him over these issues but he always promises me to make it up, which he does not. I go back and forth between feeling used and then thinking I'm crazy and that he must love me. I sound bonkers when I read my writing. Any advice would be appreciated!

Your circumstances are very challenging to get any degree of distance on this!  I dk how I'd feel if I worked with the man with whom I was having an EMR. it must be so difficult.

Your AP likely cares for you but it is not willing to go the distance to change his situation. As long as he has you, he has the best of both worlds.  Can you try dating others to create some distance?

[Fergiemac]

Your circumstances are very challenging to get any degree of distance on this!  I dk how I'd feel if I worked with the man with whom I was having an EMR. it must be so difficult.

Your AP likely cares for you but it is not willing to go the distance to change his situation. As long as he has you, he has the best of both worlds.  Can you try dating others to create some distance?

I think meant to reply to another post Sandrine.
O

[Brigit]

Hi everyone,

I am new here. I’m so sorry to the above poster for losing her partner of 15 years. 

I’ve been in a long distance EMR for two years. I feel enormous guilt and would like to end it but neither of us seem to be able to do it. We text weekly and see each other only every few months but it’s like coming home every time. Very hard to describe. We have avoided talking about “us” since we are both kind of in denial about the whole thing. 

I look forward to getting to know others in similar (or different) situations.

[mirabelle]

Hello everyone, I'm Mira.

My story is very similar to Brigit's, long distance EMR for over two years. I feel that we are at the end of the road, but neither of us want to end things and we are still loving and supportive. I've been encouraging him to look inward and to do what's best for his family. I want to be with him, but I'm ready to do the work to extract myself so that we are both in a place to have healthier relationships.

Thanks everyone.