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[Durbsdr2018]

This sounds a lot like my situation, which is now going on 9 months. Just wanted to give some support and to let you know you can reach out if you ever want to talk ?

@punkgirl and @rozay -

8 years ago this November I met my MM. After a few months I told him that I did not want to be in a long term extramarital relationship. He then told me he was getting divorced. For a year he told me he was getting divorced. However, he did not and instead built a business financed by his wife. I hope your journeys travel better paths than mine. 

Welcome to TS! There are many here that have similar experiences and others that can help you understand some different perspectives. It all helps!

[rozay]

This sounds a lot like my situation, which is now going on 9 months. Just wanted to give some support and to let you know you can reach out if you ever want to talk ?

The same goes for you.

[rozay]

@punkgirl and @rozay -

8 years ago this November I met my MM. After a few months I told him that I did not want to be in a long term extramarital relationship. He then told me he was getting divorced. For a year he told me he was getting divorced. However, he did not and instead built a business financed by his wife. I hope your journeys travel better paths than mine. 

Welcome to TS! There are many here that have similar experiences and others that can help you understand some different perspectives. It all helps!

Thank you for sharing and for the inviting welcome.

[Sandrine]

@punkgirl and @rozay -

8 years ago this November I met my MM. After a few months I told him that I did not want to be in a long term extramarital relationship. He then told me he was getting divorced. For a year he told me he was getting divorced. However, he did not and instead built a business financed by his wife. I hope your journeys travel better paths than mine. 

Welcome to TS! There are many here that have similar experiences and others that can help you understand some different perspectives. It all helps!

So many men don't want to lose that special woman they meet outside of their marriage, they say what will capture her and keep her.  Are you still in your EMR or have moved on?

[VanyaP]

My name is Vanya and I am currently involved with a married man (Jay-not his real name)) for six months. I myself am married and going through divorce. After meeting my married man, I knew my marriage was over. Although I did not leave Jay to find my happy ever after, I knew my marriage was beyond repairable and left to find peace.

J is still married with no chances on leaving his wife. I would never pressure or give him an ultimatum to change his circumstances. As of now, I am content with our current relationship and if I should have a change of heart, hopefully this forum can help me.

Happy to be here and hopefully I can find wisdom and support through this new relationship.

[Durbsdr2018]

So many men don't want to lose that special woman they meet outside of their marriage, they say what will capture her and keep her.  Are you still in your EMR or have moved on?

Sandrine- you’re right, and I understand why. Life does not easily fit into a box and there are rules/expectations of society. Marriage, in the case of my MM, came with significant advantages for his life that I would never have been able to give him. The EMR came with advantages that BW was unable to give him. 

We are no longer in an EMR, though we do still talk/text a bit. I tried to maintain a friendship but he places everything in his life second to himself and his business (or so it seems to me), and ultimately I decided that if he could not give me what I needed in terms of friendship then we could no longer continue a relationship. But, I’m a huge empath and find it hard to completely sever all communication. We also do have a professional relationship in terms of the fact that we both provide professional services in the community and that includes each other, so this is what most of our communications are about. It’s been a long road, but I’m also finally ready to start dating again and so I signed up for a professional matchmaking service. Looking forward to meeting some handsome single men and just exploring dating at this later stage in life. It’s not a bad place to be. And I don’t regret my EMR. It taught me some of the most important lessons of my life. ?

[Durbsdr2018]

My name is Vanya and I am currently involved with a married man (Jay-not his real name)) for six months. I myself am married and going through divorce. After meeting my married man, I knew my marriage was over. Although I did not leave Jay to find my happy ever after, I knew my marriage was beyond repairable and left to find peace.

J is still married with no chances on leaving his wife. I would never pressure or give him an ultimatum to change his circumstances. As of now, I am content with our current relationship and if I should have a change of heart, hopefully this forum can help me.

Happy to be here and hopefully I can find wisdom and support through this new relationship.

Welcome VanyaP! You will find support, understanding, and a safe place to share on this forum. It sounds like you’re coming into an EMR with the right mindset. That’s one step ahead of where I was at that point in my EMR, so kudos to you! The one thing to consider is that BW (Jay’s wife) is an unknown factor in your relationship with him. This could cause an unexpected change at any time that you will both have to navigate through (eg. if his wife finds out about you, or D-Day). But, it sounds like right now, you’re traveling the exact journey that you should be. 

[Areeh]

Hi, my name is Areeh. In 2013 I left my husband because of domestic violence and alcoholism. That same year, I met a very nice man online, from the other side of the world. He was married at that point, but left his wife the following year and came to live in my country. Two years later I found out he was ch---ing on me online. I saw awful things….pics, messages, things that were so explicit. I stayed on with him because I fought my entire family to be with him. We spend six months a year apart when he goes back to his country. We’ve been married now 10 years and I still feel anxious when he goes back home. Over the years he has given me several reasons not to trust him. I am sure he is not faithful to me when he is away for those six months. I was emotionally abused in my first marriage, sexually abused as a child, and I thought this relationship would be different. He says he loves me,…I know he does. But I think he has other needs too that I can’t fulfill for him. He is smart, loves sailing, is 27 years older than I am… (he’s in his 70s and I’m in my 50s) .I’m just this needy woman who is being punished now for what I did to him and his previous wife. I’m just so depressed and I want to leave him but I’m scared. I love him but I hate him for what he’s done to me. I love him but I don’t want to be wondering every single day and night about who he is with, what he is doing, does he love her etc. I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. What should I do? Also, I just noticed that on the left side of this post where it gives my name, it says virgin? I dunno where that came from or how I change that. I’m certainly no vestal virgin!

[OUrania]

Hi, my name is Areeh. In 2013 I left my husband because of domestic violence and alcoholism. That same year, I met a very nice man online, from the other side of the world. He was married at that point, but left his wife the following year and came to live in my country. Two years later I found out he was ch---ing on me online. I saw awful things….pics, messages, things that were so explicit. I stayed on with him because I fought my entire family to be with him. We spend six months a year apart when he goes back to his country. We’ve been married now 10 years and I still feel anxious when he goes back home. Over the years he has given me several reasons not to trust him. I am sure he is not faithful to me when he is away for those six months. I was emotionally abused in my first marriage, sexually abused as a child, and I thought this relationship would be different. He says he loves me,…I know he does. But I think he has other needs too that I can’t fulfill for him. He is smart, loves sailing, is 27 years older than I am… (he’s in his 70s and I’m in my 50s) .I’m just this needy woman who is being punished now for what I did to him and his previous wife. I’m just so depressed and I want to leave him but I’m scared. I love him but I hate him for what he’s done to me. I love him but I don’t want to be wondering every single day and night about who he is with, what he is doing, does he love her etc. I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. What should I do? Also, I just noticed that on the left side of this post where it gives my name, it says virgin? I dunno where that came from or how I change that. I’m certainly no vestal virgin!

Hello Areeh,

Virgin is a term used to indicate you are new to the board. It will be changed in time by the moderators.

It doesn't matter how smart this man is or what a good sailor he is., he is abusing you.

For your mental well being you need to get out of this marriage and away from him.  Are you financially able to do this?  Do you have a support system to help you?

If you don't you will be miserable for the rest of your life.  You are young enough to enjoy many more years in peace without him.  

Good luck 
Ourania

[Areeh]

Thank you for your reply, Ourania….I don’t have either a support system or finances. While I agree with you, I’m scared to take that step. I’m emotionally dependant on him. Financially too. But I’m trying to get emotionally independent so that if I do decide to leave, I’m strong enough to go through that emotionally at least. 

Areeh


Hello Areeh,

Virgin is a term used to indicate you are new to the board. It will be changed in time by the moderators.

It doesn't matter how smart this man is or what a good sailor he is., he is abusing you.

For your mental well being you need to get out of this marriage and away from him.  Are you financially able to do this?  Do you have a support system to help you?

If you don't you will be miserable for the rest of your life.  You are young enough to enjoy many more years in peace without him.  

Good luck 
Ourania

[Violet]

Hi, my name is Areeh. In 2013 I left my husband because of domestic violence and alcoholism. That same year, I met a very nice man online, from the other side of the world. He was married at that point, but left his wife the following year and came to live in my country. Two years later I found out he was ch---ing on me online. I saw awful things….pics, messages, things that were so explicit. I stayed on with him because I fought my entire family to be with him. We spend six months a year apart when he goes back to his country. We’ve been married now 10 years and I still feel anxious when he goes back home. Over the years he has given me several reasons not to trust him. I am sure he is not faithful to me when he is away for those six months. I was emotionally abused in my first marriage, sexually abused as a child, and I thought this relationship would be different. He says he loves me,…I know he does. But I think he has other needs too that I can’t fulfill for him. He is smart, loves sailing, is 27 years older than I am… (he’s in his 70s and I’m in my 50s) .I’m just this needy woman who is being punished now for what I did to him and his previous wife. I’m just so depressed and I want to leave him but I’m scared. I love him but I hate him for what he’s done to me. I love him but I don’t want to be wondering every single day and night about who he is with, what he is doing, does he love her etc. I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. What should I do? Also, I just noticed that on the left side of this post where it gives my name, it says virgin? I dunno where that came from or how I change that. I’m certainly no vestal virgin!

[Violet]

Hi, my name is Areeh. In 2013 I left my husband because of domestic violence and alcoholism. That same year, I met a very nice man online, from the other side of the world. He was married at that point, but left his wife the following year and came to live in my country. Two years later I found out he was ch---ing on me online. I saw awful things….pics, messages, things that were so explicit. I stayed on with him because I fought my entire family to be with him. We spend six months a year apart when he goes back to his country. We’ve been married now 10 years and I still feel anxious when he goes back home. Over the years he has given me several reasons not to trust him. I am sure he is not faithful to me when he is away for those six months. I was emotionally abused in my first marriage, sexually abused as a child, and I thought this relationship would be different. He says he loves me,…I know he does. But I think he has other needs too that I can’t fulfill for him. He is smart, loves sailing, is 27 years older than I am… (he’s in his 70s and I’m in my 50s) .I’m just this needy woman who is being punished now for what I did to him and his previous wife. I’m just so depressed and I want to leave him but I’m scared. I love him but I hate him for what he’s done to me. I love him but I don’t want to be wondering every single day and night about who he is with, what he is doing, does he love her etc. I’m emotionally drained and exhausted. What should I do? Also, I just noticed that on the left side of this post where it gives my name, it says virgin? I dunno where that came from or how I change that. I’m certainly no vestal virgin!

Hi Areeh, 

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m not sure you’re in the right place here to best be supported as you need, however. This is a site for those in extramarital relationships. You would be better served at a site for betrayed spouses since that is your situation you are looking for support for.  It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope you find the support you’re looking for. What I can say is don’t blame yourself. Also get into therapy if you are able. All the best to you.

[Areeh]

Thanks for that Violet….I did wonder. but I still feel like the other woman, and have never felt like his wife. When we were married I felt so numb. I didn’t feel a thing. I don’t even remember getting me and my kids ready for the day, while he got ready and dressed for the occasion. Something just does not feel right…but yes I should give a go on a different site. Thanks for the advice.

Hi Areeh, 

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m not sure you’re in the right place here to best be supported as you need, however. This is a site for those in extramarital relationships. You would be better served at a site for betrayed spouses since that is your situation you are looking for support for.  It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope you find the support you’re looking for. What I can say is don’t blame yourself. Also get into therapy if you are able. All the best to you.

[Punkgirl]

@punkgirl and @rozay -

8 years ago this November I met my MM. After a few months I told him that I did not want to be in a long term extramarital relationship. He then told me he was getting divorced. For a year he told me he was getting divorced. However, he did not and instead built a business financed by his wife. I hope your journeys travel better paths than mine. 

Welcome to TS! There are many here that have similar experiences and others that can help you understand some different perspectives. It all helps!

Thank you for your feedback! I've been reading peoples' stories and getting a lot of perspective!

[rozay]

My name is Vanya and I am currently involved with a married man (Jay-not his real name)) for six months. I myself am married and going through divorce. After meeting my married man, I knew my marriage was over. Although I did not leave Jay to find my happy ever after, I knew my marriage was beyond repairable and left to find peace.

J is still married with no chances on leaving his wife. I would never pressure or give him an ultimatum to change his circumstances. As of now, I am content with our current relationship and if I should have a change of heart, hopefully this forum can help me.

Happy to be here and hopefully I can find wisdom and support through this new relationship.

Welcome, VanyaP! You came to the right place. Many amazing, supportive people on here. Wishing the best on your journey to peace. (:

[Dgirl]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great,  so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

[Dgirl]

I’m so sorry if I’m doing this posting incorrectly.  I haven’t been here in quite a while ( maybe over 10 years) but I hit the 15 year mark with my MM.  We’ve had our share of ups and downs.  I’ve experienced emotional growth, emotional pain & heartache as well.  But I’m grateful for this journey because I discovered myself too in the process.  I often wonder …. Still… what is the end game and also know that there is no end game.  This site has truly been very supportive and has been my go-to in times of need.

[Brigit]

I’m so sorry if I’m doing this posting incorrectly.  I haven’t been here in quite a while ( maybe over 10 years) but I hit the 15 year mark with my MM.  We’ve had our share of ups and downs.  I’ve experienced emotional growth, emotional pain & heartache as well.  But I’m grateful for this journey because I discovered myself too in the process.  I often wonder …. Still… what is the end game and also know that there is no end game.  This site has truly been very supportive and has been my go-to in times of need.

Welcome back, Dgirl. Would love to read more of your story.

There is no end game in any relationship, really. Im turning more and more Buddhist as time goes on! (Not literally, just coming to appreciate living in uncertainty.)

[SoulintheLakes]

Hello 

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 3.5 years. We met 4 years ago. Were both married but had been on and off for years. I’d been with my husband 17 year him about 20. 

He had moved away from the family home 3 hours away because of differences but they’d stayed married and together and he went back to see her and teen kids every few weeks. He had moved close to where I live about 50 mins away. 

We met at a shared interest group and hit it off quickly but it was just friends and maybe doing some work together at first as he is 19 years older so I had never imagined a relationship with someone that age. 

Well fell in love quick and it was an intense whirlwind for the first year or more. 

I told my husband and ended it a month after we met (which sound crazy now I think about it). 

He told his wife he was going in his own direction but not about me. We started seeing one another 2-3 months after we met. We’re don’t sleep together for about 4 months as he is/ was v respectful in that was, bringing I’ve experienced before! We just loved one another’s company! 

Anyway as I understood his marriage separation was on going that first year and he still went up occasionally to see his kids and other duties but they were split as far as I knew. He told her about me a year after. She was devastated. I think he told her he’d try to end it. 

She found out months after he hadn’t and went mad, called the kids down and told them dad’s been having an affair for over a year blah blah, they asked him to leave the home. He was cut out for months. 

My split and divorce happened over a year and a half - it was ok. My ex lives locally and although we are on and off getting along and still argue we’ve split quiet amicable and co parent. He is a consistent hands on dad so we text most days about the kids. 

My partner still lives here near me, in fact moved closer to me in April so we see one another more and 95% of his life is here with me. 

The issues are he’s still not divorced and to keep his ex (but still legal wife) happy so that the kids don’t alienate him he goes up to where they live for visits of 2-3 nights and spend time in one family home. He stays in a hotel close by to help me deal with it and uphold boundaries but he spends time there helping run the kids around, walk the dog (which he still loves too) and also does chat with the ex. 

I think it’s nice because he says ‘she’s still the mother of my kids and I want to make sure she’s ok for my kids to be ok’ so I do respect that but I can’t help the feeling of anxiety and jealously and I don’t know what to do about it. 

He is older than me so doesn’t have family other than them so I know how much he will want to keep hold of the relationships with his kids and it seems the ex controls this. 
What makes it more difficult is they all hate me! 

We have a beautiful relationship just us. We have a similar views on most things, great deep convos, love spending time doing shared interests and have an amazing sex life but it still feels like 4 years later that our lives (well mainly his) is still split in 2. 

He says he is only living here because of me and hia future is here but every time I talk a bout divorce it doesn’t happen. He has said many times he wants her to decide that- and I don’t think she ever will! I think she still loves him too and uses the kids (17 & 20) to make him feel guilty and be more in the family home. As well as the dog - which was actually only born just aftwr we got together ! 

I want to trust him, relax and enjoy our relationship but at the moment I can get caught in anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness and questioning which pushes him away! 

Lots of people say to me he’s here with you why are you bothered. I sometimes feel like we are still in an affair. 

There is so much more to it but that’s a start. I hope to gain some support and understanding here xxx

[Dayna]

My name is Vanya and I am currently involved with a married man (Jay-not his real name)) for six months. I myself am married and going through divorce. After meeting my married man, I knew my marriage was over. Although I did not leave Jay to find my happy ever after, I knew my marriage was beyond repairable and left to find peace.

J is still married with no chances on leaving his wife. I would never pressure or give him an ultimatum to change his circumstances. As of now, I am content with our current relationship and if I should have a change of heart, hopefully this forum can help me.

Happy to be here and hopefully I can find wisdom and support through this new relationship.

Hi VanyaP....sounds like we have a shared experience.  I'm content right now. My CM has says he's never leaving his CP. I have no desire to topple the apple cart. But it would be nice to have set days/time he spends with me instead of secret , stolen time. The time spent together or even just talking is amazing.  But the trying to spend time together can get frustrating.  
Anyway....hope all is well with your relationship.  
Dayna