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I’m a 49 YO woman, recently separated from my husband of 26 years because I became tired of lying to him about my affairs. I’ve found myself in an unlikely affair (4 months in) with a married man, father of 4, in what he calls a “loveless, transactional marriage”. His wife found out about us and chooses to ignore the affair.
Although I’ve had 3 other surface level affairs/flings in the past few years, this time it feels different. I love what we are together but I’m not sure how long I can handle his marital status. I’m just now beginning to become agitated and annoyed with it as I grow to love him more. He spends every possible moment with me, and i appreciate it… but i still ache to be his only woman. I’m lost. I want him. He says he would consider leaving his family… that makes me feel terrible… and hopeful. I fear being strung along with promises of a future together that never transpire. I tell myself to be content with the love and affection he pours out on me…. But i wither inside when i remember that he goes home each night to his wife and children.
I’m sure you all have been there… I need to learn for your experiences and hard-won wisdom.
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Welcome!
My biggest piece of advice is to really understand where he is at -- it doesn't matter if he tells you he wants a divorce, wanting a divorce is very different than taking actions to get one.
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Hi Urban Mistress and welcome to TS.
Is your MM religious?
No regrets
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(05-30-2024, 07:16 AM)Sandy Wrote: Is it useful for me to lay out a timeline of when he needs to decide if he’s in or out of his marriage?
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(05-30-2024, 08:53 AM)Harlow Wrote: Hi Urban Mistress and welcome to TS.
Is your MM religious?
His wife is very much so, but he has been to church twice in the last 4 months. I would say he has strong convictions on some issues and very little on others
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(05-30-2024, 07:16 AM)Sandy Wrote: Welcome!
My biggest piece of advice is to really understand where he is at -- it doesn't matter if he tells you he wants a divorce, wanting a divorce is very different than taking actions to get one.
Welcome Urban Mistress. Sandy is right. You need to keep level headed. What he says and does are two different things, as the longer you are involved, often the more deeply you feel about your AP. How long have you two been involved?
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Quote:Is it useful for me to lay out a timeline of when he needs to decide if he’s in or out of his marriage?
No, it's not for your to set up the timeline. Timelines aren't as useful, unless there's an actual plan behind it.
He has to be the one to tell you what his plans are -- he has to be the one with the conviction that he needs to divorce because staying married is not tenable anymore. He has to be the one to take action on what it means to get on the path to being divorced.
If you do it, it's not him. And he won't work towards your plan or your timeline. He has to believe that getting a divorce is better than staying married.
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(05-30-2024, 09:25 PM)Urbanmistress Wrote: His wife is very much so, but he has been to church twice in the last 4 months. I would say he has strong convictions on some issues and very little on others
This is how I would have described my Gable in the early days but I think he fooled me, or perhaps himself. After Dday, BW turned to her church for Comfort and really became very religious. She dragged Gable with her, and sometimes I don’t even recognize the man I met compared to the man I now know. Religion is the reason he is still married and always will be.
I would never date a religious married man again, knowing what I now know. They seem to be much more conflicted than married men who are not religious.
No regrets
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(05-31-2024, 11:18 AM)Harlow Wrote: This is how I would have described my Gable in the early days but I think he fooled me, or perhaps himself. After Dday, BW turned to her church for Comfort and really became very religious. She dragged Gable with her, and sometimes I don’t even recognize the man I met compared to the man I now know. Religion is the reason he is still married and always will be.
I would never date a religious married man again, knowing what I now know. They seem to be much more conflicted than married men who are not religious.
Graham is a fair-weather Jew, just major celebrations and no synagogue. We never had God conversations. He was more driven by money than spirituality. He felt plenty of conflict and guilt about leaving his marriage. IMO guilt is ingrained in Jewish people and Catholics, even if they are lapsed. It can be more cultural than religious.
