63 yrs old ow first time EVER

[JLynne]

I am 63 yrs old and should know better. I was divorced 6 yrs when i met the love of my life. I was married for over 3 decades in a very unhappy marriage. After several years of dating and actively seeking someone my own age, post divorce, i was out with my girlfriend having dinner and he walked in and stole my heart. Up until that moment i believed the notion of "love at first sight" to be a myth. I did something totally out of character and enlisted the help of the bartender and offered to buy him a drink. He accepted and joined us. Almost immediately said he is married. I was so embarrassed. 

We saw him again 3 wks later. He sat with my girlfriend and i. She left early. He walked me to my car. Then he kissed me. More like a peck than a kiss. But still.....

After nearly a year and a touch of drama...he insisting he has never after more than 3 decades of an unhappy marriage been unfaithful and will NEVER leave his wife, lpoint.l am deeply in love with him.

We have seen each other numerous times. He is a very caring and sensitive. He tells me his wife won't be intimate with him any more. He states his adult son is fiercely loyal to his mother. It is my opinion that he is concerned with alienating his adult son. 

All that said, i am not even at the bottom of his priority list. I am not on his list. He says i fill a hole in his life, but i am not seeing it. He was blurted out that he loves me while we were making love. He later stated that he not only does not remember saying that but was probably just in the moment. 

He is kind and caring and sweet. But he is not and will never be mine. He is everything i have ever hope for and wished for in a matte. I am heartsick. I feel.like there is so very little to live for at this point.

[Brigit]

Hi Jlynne,

I’m also new here and have only been in one EMR but it has gone on for two years. Especially early on, but even later, there is a lot of push and pull in many EMRs, it just comes with the territory. He probably meant what he said when he told you he loved you but then reality of his situation hit him and he backtracked. To tell someone you love them is a kind of promise, and often if we are married and with families, we simply cannot honor that promise/love the way we would want to because multiple other people depend on us. It’s a tough spot to be in. I’m not making excuses for your guy, just offering the possibility that he is himself torn and confused. It seems almost every EMR is a rollercoaster ride.

One question that I ask myself is can I be happy with “just” an EMR, and I’d ask you the same. If he can only be with you occasionally, can you feel confident enough in his intentions and depth of feelings that your life is ultimately more fulfilling with him in it? If it is too much, that’s completely understandable. I am not sure I have the answer.

[Harlow]

JLynne,

I am sorry to hear that you feel there is not much to live for at this point. I am close to your age and feel just the opposite. There are so many films, podcasts, and stories here of older women who just do not need a committed romantic partner in their life. If my MM found himself single today and asked me to move across the country to be with him or he asked to move in with me, I would seriously have to think about it because my life is perfect right now. I don’t want to sleep in the same room with him every day. I don’t want to do his laundry. I don’t want to become his caregiver when he starts to get really ill. I have a combined experience of caregiving for 30 years and I just don’t have it in me any longer. I would rather have him just the way it is now in the capacity of an EMR. I have said on this site many times over that I had more quality time with my MM than I ever had with my husband during our marriage. It’s all in the way you choose to view it. You have the best of him when he is with you, try to enjoy it.

There are no guarantees in life, and since women usually live longer than men, he would likely go before you anyway. Those are just the facts. But it helps when thinking in terms of the kind of relationship you want. Most of my friends do not want to get married again. A cousin of mine is a little older than you and she has reignited a relationship from high school. They are madly in love with each other now, but they are LAT-living apart together. In my estimation, marriage serves men more than it does women, except for the financial resources. I heard about a survey where men live longer when they are married, but not women. Think long and hard about that.

Thinking of you.

[Brigit]

JLynne, how are you doing?