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Hello.
I don’t know if this is the right place to make a post like this but I really need to say this to someone. I don’t know if I’m writing this to get advice or just to vent. I'm still trying to process everything.
I might as well just come out and say it. I ch----d on my husband.
My husband (Mark) and I have been together for five years, married for three. Things have generally been good between us, but lately, everything’s been strained. There’s been a lot of stress over money, family, renovations, and just general life stuff that’s been causing a lot of problems. We haven’t been fighting, but we haven’t really been talking either. We’ve been distant, especially the past few months. Were both exhausted all the time.
Friday was my works Christmas party. I didn’t really want to go but I felt like I should. I wasn’t expecting much. When I got there, I had a few drinks and before long, I was feeling a little tipsy.
Theres this guy at my work (Jason). He’s cute and has always been friendly, maybe a little flirty even, but I never took it seriously. We’ve had a few casual conversations at work. Nothing particularly long or deep.
Last night, though, I don’t know if it was the alcohol or just my mood but when we started talking there was this chemistry. We talked for a long time. It felt really nice to have the attention. Before I knew it, we were standing really close to each other, his hand brushing mine a few too many times for it to be accidental.
At one point, he asked if I wanted to step outside for some fresh air. I knew exactly what he was asking, and I know I should have said no but for some reason I didn’t.
We went outside and found an out of the way spot. It was cold and we stood there shivering for a while. Eventually we ended up kissing. He lived nearby and we ended up going to his place. The entire way there, I don’t think I said anything. I just tried not to think about what I was doing.
When we got to his apartment, things moved quickly and we went straight to the bedroom. It wasn’t just physical—although, yes, it was that. It was the feeling of just being able drop all of the stress. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until it was happening. I know it’s wrong. I know I should’ve stopped it. But in the moment, I didn’t.
Once it was over I got a taxi. I checked my phone and saw messages from Mark and it began to hit me. I started to feel guilty. When I got home he was already asleep so I just went to bed.
Yesterday when I woke up I found a message on my phone from Jason and the guilt hit me hard.
I can’t stop thinking about it. Part of me is ashamed, but another part of me enjoyed it. I feel guilty. It was a mistake. But it was also something I feel like I really needed. Im torn between guilt and the strange sense of relief I got from it.
I haven’t told Mark what happened. I don’t know if I should.
Theres also Jason. I have to go back to work on Monday and see him again. He’s already texted me a few more times and it’s clear he wants more. But I don’t know what to do next.
I know what I did was horrible but I really need some advice.
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Hi there! Welcome. First off, unless you want to hurt your husband and blow up your life (think hard about that) I would NOT confess this. Second, get a messaging app to communicate with the guy from work, not regular texting on your phone. WhatsApp, Signal, for example. Something with disappearing messages and then hide the app on your phone. Cover your tracks. Trust me, you don’t want to be found out unless it’s on your own terms. Be discrete. Also, you are human. Try not to beat yourself up over it. If you want to continue then like I said, be careful. It could be fun. You’ll get support here. If not, then personally I’d still keep it to myself. No need to hurt anyone. Learn from it and move on.
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(12-15-2024, 04:21 PM)Violet Wrote: Hi there! Welcome. First off, unless you want to hurt your husband and blow up your life (think hard about that) I would NOT confess this. Second, get a messaging app to communicate with the guy from work, not regular texting on your phone. WhatsApp, Signal, for example. Something with disappearing messages and then hide the app on your phone. Cover your tracks. Trust me, you don’t want to be found out unless it’s on your own terms. Be discrete. Also, you are human. Try not to beat yourself up over it. If you want to continue then like I said, be careful. It could be fun. You’ll get support here. If not, then personally I’d still keep it to myself. No need to hurt anyone. Learn from it and move on.
Thanks for the advice.
Im terrified about having to tell Mark. All the sites I’ve been looking at have said to tell him, but I just dont know. It would wreck everything.
I haven’t decided that I’m going to do about Jason. I have been replying to his messages, but I don’t know what I want. Half the time I’m feeling horrible about myself and the rest I’m thinking about him.
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Hi and welcome.
That’s a difficult spot, I know all too well.
My advice, if you can, stop communicating with the guy from work. Don’t confess but put it firmly behind you. EMRs are difficult if you are in a half decent marriage and if I could, I would have avoided mine.
I couldn’t. For the first time in my life I felt like I couldn’t think or act rationally.
I understand the guilt 100%.
Violet had good advice about using secure apps to communicate.
My perspective is not representative, I am sure you will get other good advice, based on your experience. One thing you should try is to figure out what you truly want.
Just writing things out here can help with that.
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(12-15-2024, 06:51 PM)Brigit Wrote: Hi and welcome.
That’s a difficult spot, I know all too well.
My advice, if you can, stop communicating with the guy from work. Don’t confess but put it firmly behind you. EMRs are difficult if you are in a half decent marriage and if I could, I would have avoided mine.
I couldn’t. For the first time in my life I felt like I couldn’t think or act rationally.
I understand the guilt 100%.
Violet had good advice about using secure apps to communicate.
My perspective is not representative, I am sure you will get other good advice, based on your experience. One thing you should try is to figure out what you truly want.
Just writing things out here can help with that.
I really don’t want my husband to know but everywhere else said I should come clean to him, so I was beginning to feel like I had to. I guess I just needed someone to tell me not to.
I don’t know how I can avoid Jason because we work at the same place. The only thing I could do would be to quit my job but thats difficult because of our financial situation. Plus, I’ve told my husband in that past that I like my job so if I suddenly quit he would definitely want to know why.
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A99, you’ll find lots of conflicting opinions out there. It blows my mind when I read the “you must confess” nonsense on some of these sites out there. I read the same before I found this place. Says who? Who says you need to break your spouse’s heart and blow up your marriage wether you had a one time indiscretion or a long term EMR? How would disclosing this information impact your life? I strongly am on the side of do the least harm. Which would mean take it to the grave, so to speak. You are not obligated in any way to “come clean”. Vent about it here instead.
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(12-16-2024, 08:04 AM)Violet Wrote: A99, you’ll find lots of conflicting opinions out there. It blows my mind when I read the “you must confess” nonsense on some of these sites out there. I read the same before I found this place. Says who? Who says you need to break your spouse’s heart and blow up your marriage wether you had a one time indiscretion or a long term EMR? How would disclosing this information impact your life? I strongly am on the side of do the least harm. Which would mean take it to the grave, so to speak. You are not obligated in any way to “come clean”. Vent about it here instead.
Thank you, Violet. I think you’re right—telling my husband would just cause unnecessary pain, and I don’t want to destroy everything we’ve built. I’ve decided I’m not going to tell him.
I did talk to Jason today at work. He told me he enjoyed himself, and then he asked if I did too. I admitted that I did.
He said he wants to see me again, and honestly... I felt a little excited hearing that. But I’m still unsure. Part of me really wants to, but another part of me knows how complicated this could get. I don’t know what I want yet, but it’s on my mind a lot.
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(12-16-2024, 04:58 AM)A99 Wrote: I really don’t want my husband to know but everywhere else said I should come clean to him, so I was beginning to feel like I had to. I guess I just needed someone to tell me not to.
I don’t know how I can avoid Jason because we work at the same place. The only thing I could do would be to quit my job but thats difficult because of our financial situation. Plus, I’ve told my husband in that past that I like my job so if I suddenly quit he would definitely want to know why. If you want to avoid him, even if you can’t go completely no contact, you could minimize as much as possible. Keep it professional and don’t initiate any interactions unless absolutely necessary.
But it seems like you’re very tempted to continue… are you looking for a way out of your marriage? Or is there simply something missing and Jason is filling the void?
Is he married too or no?
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(12-16-2024, 04:53 PM)Brigit Wrote: If you want to avoid him, even if you can’t go completely no contact, you could minimize as much as possible. Keep it professional and don’t initiate any interactions unless absolutely necessary.
But it seems like you’re very tempted to continue… are you looking for a way out of your marriage? Or is there simply something missing and Jason is filling the void?
Is he married too or no?
I don’t think I’m looking for a way out of my marriage. I love my husband, but things have been really hard lately, and I guess Jason gave me something I didn’t even realize I was missing—attention, excitement, feeling wanted.
He’s not married. As far as I know, he’s single.
I’m still torn, though. Part of me wants to stop this before it gets out of hand, but another part of me feels like I don’t want to let it go yet. If that makes sense.
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My advice would be the look at the whole picture. Who is Jason? What type of person is he? Is that something he has done before in your workplace? What would happen if others find out? What would happen if rumors spread and if they do, how will you handle it?
I agree with what the others said. You need to set some sort of rules and guidelines of behavior at work with Jason and communication method. Even if you decide the EMR is not something you want to continue, make sure you are protected.
I have to admit when my EMR started I was reckless, it was intoxicating, but there were so many hard and difficult times. Even with the support of this place, bless TS, I had to dig myself out of depression, pain, and anger all by myself while keeping a mask of happiness up. Right now, the ending, is horrible. You'll have to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
Decide for yourself what your path will be.
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I wanted to give an update on my situation because things have progressed.
It happened again. There was a big crisis at work today, and it really shook me. I’ve always had trouble dealing with anxiety, and when things get overwhelming, I struggle to cope. Today, I felt like I was spiraling, and I didn’t know how to calm myself down. I ended up asking Jason to meet me during lunch. We met away from the office, and we ended up having sex in his car. I hate to say it but it was exactly what I needed.
After work, we went back to his place and I didn’t want to leave.
When I got home, I told my husband I had to work late because of the crisis at the office. I felt guilty lying to him, but at the same time, I feel so amazing. It’s such a confusing mix of emotions. I am disappointed in myself for ch---ing again. As much as I was loving the extra attention I think I was slowly resigning myself to the idea that it was just a one time thing.
I don’t know if it’s going to happen again. Part of me wants it to, but I also feel like I’m crossing the line too many times. I keep wondering where this is going to lead and if I’m in way over my head. This whole situation is so messy.
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(12-16-2024, 08:17 PM)findingmw Wrote: My advice would be the look at the whole picture. Who is Jason? What type of person is he? Is that something he has done before in your workplace? What would happen if others find out? What would happen if rumors spread and if they do, how will you handle it?
I agree with what the others said. You need to set some sort of rules and guidelines of behavior at work with Jason and communication method. Even if you decide the EMR is not something you want to continue, make sure you are protected.
I have to admit when my EMR started I was reckless, it was intoxicating, but there were so many hard and difficult times. Even with the support of this place, bless TS, I had to dig myself out of depression, pain, and anger all by myself while keeping a mask of happiness up. Right now, the ending, is horrible. You'll have to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
Decide for yourself what your path will be.
Thank you for the advice and perspective. You’re right—I really need to think about the bigger picture. Jason seems nice, but I don’t know much about him or his past relationships or if this is something he’s done before. It’s definitely something I should consider, especially with the risks at work. If rumours were to start, it could get messy fast, and I don’t think I’m ready to deal with that kind of fallout.
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One of the things that might be worth asking yourself is if what you’re getting from the EMR is something you feel you can’t get from you marriage. I think it’s really important to consider since you do say you love your husband.
How is the intimacy in your marriage? You didn’t specifically comment on it, but from what you did say I imagine it’s either been some time since you’ve had sex or if you have, it’s in a way that feels transactional or mechanical.
The decision to tell Mark about this or not is definitely layered. Yes one the one hand you it may be easier for him to not know and thus not be directly hurt by it. But at the same time, will not telling him make it harder for you to feel like you can fully trust and open yourself up to him? Also, sometimes these things bring other issues in the M to the surface and you may find that could be beneficial in deciding what you want long term.
Maybe something like talking to H about your stresses and your needs (without confessing anything) could be a way to see how willing he is to meet you where you at and how engaged he is in the M
These are just suggestions/things to consider. The fact that you’re taking the time to think about all of this is already such a healthy response and I feel confident that you will be able to figure out what’s best for you
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This is about you and what you need to figure out for yourself, so I wouldn’t tell Mark anything. Once you figure out what’s driving this and you have a clear path forward, then you should think about leaving or staying with Mark. Even then it may not be worth telling him anything.
Since you’ve shared having anxiety and lack of coping skills, I think you’ve solved part of the problem. You said sex and attention was exactly what you needed. Are you saying if your H had been there in that way, you’d have turned your nose up to Jason? Something tells me no, but you need to answer that question for yourself.
I hope you figure it out. We’ll help as much as we can.
No regrets
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Thank you, Nightingale and Harlow, for your responses. They’ve given me a lot to think about. You said that there were things I havnt talked about so heres a little more detail about my situation.
I’ve always been a very stressful person. Even as a teenager, I would get overwhelmed easily, and by my late teens, it escalated into full-blown anxiety and panic attacks. I tried medication and therapy at the time, but nothing seemed to work consistently. It’s not a constant thing—I have good days—but my tolerance for stressful situations is very low. When things get bad, I spiral quickly. That’s something I’ve been dealing with my entire adult life.
When I met Mark things were good but we didn’t have much. Mark and I don’t have children yet. We agreed to wait until we had a stable home environment. It took us years to find a house we could afford that was in a good area, with enough space for the family we wanted. The only way we could afford it, though, was to buy a place that needed a lot of work.
Mark works all day and then spends most evenings and weekends fixing up the house. I’m not handy with DIY projects, so I handle everything else—running errands, taking care of other family members, paying bills, etc. This is why I said earlier that we’re both exhausted all the time. We don’t get to spend much time together, and when we do, we’re often too tired to do anything.
I feel a lot of responsibility for the situation we’re in because I was the one who pushed for this house. It felt like the right choice at the time, but it’s put a huge strain on us. The financial stress, the lack of time together—it’s all taking a toll.
When it comes to intimacy, you’re right that it’s been lacking. Mark and I don’t have sex often anymore, and when we do, it feels more like another task to be fulfilled. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but it feels like something we do out of obligation rather than passion. With Jason, it was completely different. Being with him is carefree, lustful, and without any responsibilities. It was just about mutual enjoyment. I really needed that release.
Jason and I haven’t been physical again, but we’ve been messaging a lot. Some of the messages have been very graphic, which has only heightened the anticipation. We’re going to see each other tomorrow after work, and I cant wait.
I know I need to ask myself some hard questions. The truth is, I don’t want to leave Mark. I do love him, but I also feel like I’m drowning right now, and Jason feels like the only thing that has given me any excitement in a long time. At the same time, I know this isn’t sustainable, and I’m terrified of what will happen if I keep going down this path.
Thank you again for listening and offering advice. It’s helping me process everything, even if I still don’t have all the answers yet.
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This might be an unpopular opinion but I think you should talk to your husband. You don't need to confess about what happened with you and Jason but I do think you need to tell him that you're unhappy. I speak from experience as I have been married for 40+ years. It would have been to both of our benefit to discuss things 35 years ago. You are both young enough, that if you decide to end things, to start over.
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(12-20-2024, 04:31 PM)Destiny Wrote: This might be an unpopular opinion but I think you should talk to your husband. You don't need to confess about what happened with you and Jason but I do think you need to tell him that you're unhappy. I speak from experience as I have been married for 40+ years. It would have been to both of our benefit to discuss things 35 years ago. You are both young enough, that if you decide to end things, to start over.
Thank you for your perspective, Destiny. It’s given me more to think about.
The thing is that I’m not unhappy in our marriage. I love Mark, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing or that I’m not satisfied with him. What’s happening with Jason isn’t about being unhappy in my marriage; I think it’s more of a coping mechanism.
Life has just felt so overwhelming lately—between the house, finances, and everything else—and I don’t feel like I have an outlet to relieve all the stress. Mark is doing everything he can for us, working all day and then spending his evenings working on the house. I know he’s exhausted too, and I don’t want to add to his burden.
Whats happening with Jason feels less about dissatisfaction and more about needing a break from everything. Its a way to escape, even if only temporarily.
That’s why I’m hesitant to bring anything up with Mark. I feel like it might make him think he’s not doing enough, when in reality, he’s doing so much. I don’t want to hurt him or create more stress for him.
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(12-22-2024, 05:45 AM)A99 Wrote: Thank you for your perspective, Destiny. It’s given me more to think about.
The thing is that I’m not unhappy in our marriage. I love Mark, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing or that I’m not satisfied with him. What’s happening with Jason isn’t about being unhappy in my marriage; I think it’s more of a coping mechanism.
Life has just felt so overwhelming lately—between the house, finances, and everything else—and I don’t feel like I have an outlet to relieve all the stress. Mark is doing everything he can for us, working all day and then spending his evenings working on the house. I know he’s exhausted too, and I don’t want to add to his burden.
Whats happening with Jason feels less about dissatisfaction and more about needing a break from everything. Its a way to escape, even if only temporarily.
That’s why I’m hesitant to bring anything up with Mark. I feel like it might make him think he’s not doing enough, when in reality, he’s doing so much. I don’t want to hurt him or create more stress for him.
Please be careful as to prevent a DDay. That will cause hurt and stress for all.
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(12-26-2024, 11:37 AM)Destiny Wrote: Please be careful as to prevent a DDay. That will cause hurt and stress for all.
Thank you Destiny. You’re absolutely right, and I’m doing my best to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Having this break over the holidays has been really helpful. It’s given me some space to breathe and start to think more clearly about everything. I’m still not 100% on things but I do feel like I can at least think.
I appreciate the perspectives and support I’m getting here—it’s helping me sort through it all.
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Hello everyone, I thought I owed you all an update on my situation.
The holidays were a good break and gave me the space I needed to think things over. It’s amazing what even a short pause from everything can do. I took some of the advice shared here to heart and decided to talk to Mark (just about a small piece of it, not everything).
I told him I’ve been thinking about changing jobs to find something higher paying. I framed it as a way to bring in extra money so we can hire some help with the house renovations. He was surprisingly receptive, which was a relief. Neither of us loves the idea of adding more change or stress, but I think the idea of help with the house sold it. The only down side is that since I’m not just quitting outright but trying to find something new, I don’t know how long it will take.
I didn’t see Jason over the holidays, but we did exchange a few messages here and there. It wasn’t constant. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him for any length of time since going back to work but he has already started asking when we can meet again. To be honest I was hoping that I would go back into work and just not feel anything, hoping that the chemistry would have just died out. But there is definitely still some spark left. Im not certain how things are going to play out with him. The smart thing to do is to end things with him but I’d be lying if I said Im not tempted. I haven’t told him about my job plans yet.
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