05-01-2014, 06:08 PM
Much to my surprise, I chose to be in an emotional affair with a married man. Every day I have a decision to make - is this relationship good for me or are my needs not being met? Are we honest with each other, do we see the relationship headed in the same direction? Do I feel I am at the mercy of his decision to stay or not stay in his marriage? If my answers to these questions don't match my needs and I choose to stay in the relationship, I am responsible to myself for that decision.
The power of choice for the movement of the relationship does not belong to the married person alone. The relationship moving forward or not should not be based solely on the married person's wants/needs/desires/marital status. The other person cannot forget to be active participants in their own life. Yes, the married person has another to go home to, to share another part of his/her life with. If the other woman/man is single, the difference between their "home" situations is obvious but shouldn't impact the power of choice for either of them. In my opinion, only if the married person hides the fact that he/she is married to the other person, is there a power differential in choices, and that would be a topic for a very different post. If I am honest with my partner about what I want and need from the relationship, then it is my responsibility to evaluate his actions (or lack of) to see if we are on the same page. This is the great equalizer.
In that way, an extramarital relationship is no different than any other type of relationship. If the married man says he will leave by X date or promises if there is a discovery day that he will choose me- I can only base my belief in his words on his actions - both past and present. If he says these things but makes no move to begin an exit strategy or there is a discovery day and he chooses to stay married, I too have a decision to make. None of these decisions are easy, they certainly don't come without pain, but if I choose to stay in a relationship, I cannot blame my partner for my decision.
Ending a romantic relationship is rarely easy, it is often a painful decision to make. Not choosing to end a romantic relationship can be painful as well. Sometimes it may feel as if there is no easier solution - but we "others" should never forget we have the same choice as our married partners in our relationships.
The power of choice for the movement of the relationship does not belong to the married person alone. The relationship moving forward or not should not be based solely on the married person's wants/needs/desires/marital status. The other person cannot forget to be active participants in their own life. Yes, the married person has another to go home to, to share another part of his/her life with. If the other woman/man is single, the difference between their "home" situations is obvious but shouldn't impact the power of choice for either of them. In my opinion, only if the married person hides the fact that he/she is married to the other person, is there a power differential in choices, and that would be a topic for a very different post. If I am honest with my partner about what I want and need from the relationship, then it is my responsibility to evaluate his actions (or lack of) to see if we are on the same page. This is the great equalizer.
In that way, an extramarital relationship is no different than any other type of relationship. If the married man says he will leave by X date or promises if there is a discovery day that he will choose me- I can only base my belief in his words on his actions - both past and present. If he says these things but makes no move to begin an exit strategy or there is a discovery day and he chooses to stay married, I too have a decision to make. None of these decisions are easy, they certainly don't come without pain, but if I choose to stay in a relationship, I cannot blame my partner for my decision.
Ending a romantic relationship is rarely easy, it is often a painful decision to make. Not choosing to end a romantic relationship can be painful as well. Sometimes it may feel as if there is no easier solution - but we "others" should never forget we have the same choice as our married partners in our relationships.
Time is like a river. (Castle)
