06-27-2015, 10:40 AM
Some thoughts on unexpected silences from MP & the regularity of virtual contact ( not f2f ) in an EMR.
Those awful unexpected silences can feel very upsetting , very frustrating & very hurtful. They can make the monkeys ( your inner fears & insecurities , your triggers ) go berserk.
I often read that people think the MP is doing this because they want to push you away, force you to leave or because they see you as a low priority convenience to be taken out only when they feel the need.
I do not think this is often ( if ever ) the case. I do think that it is exactly how it makes you feel.
I think it's important you should (keep) telling them that. Tell them that it is slowly ( or maybe speedily ) destroying the R. because those phone calls/emails/txts etc are the life blood of your R. They help you to feel important, connected & like the R matters to the AP. That silence is THE killer. That you need x number of communications per week to feel secure & OK in the R.
I also think it is *very* important to keep your expectations realistic. Try to make the number you ask for a compromise between what you want & what they can provide.
Remember that they do not have the same life you do. No matter how much they may think about you & long for you, if they are finding it difficult all it shows is that , at the moment , as their life is at the moment , they find it very hard to make regular/frequent contact.
Being busy can be a reason for not communicating. Days can fly by & it can come as a surprise that 7 or 10 days have gone by , when you thought it was only 3 or 4. It's certainly happened to me.
Add to that , that they can not always contact you when they want to .. they have a BS & a home life to contend with.
Yes, that IS their baby to rock .. but , the reality is that it WILL interfere with their ability to contact you.
Mr.H ( my MM ) & I only communicate once or twice a week. Many on my old board & probably here too , feel that is not enough. Mr.H & I wrangled long & hard about it. I wanted more & felt all the feelings I have mentioned above.
I wrote & talked about it many a time with him. He would make an effort & then fall back again. I started to feel like he just couldn't be bothered BUT I knew from when we met & his emails that he did care & was sincere in his feelings for me .. & I realized I was experiencing a cognitive dissonance.
So, I thought long & hard about WHY it made me feel so bad. Why I was interpreting it as I was. For me , it was because I felt insecure in the R. & in Mr.H's feelings for me .. & the unexpected silences fed that feeling.
So, I tackled that problem. I asked Mr.H what my place was in his life. I asked if he loved me & I told him how his unexpected silences made me feel.
I told him what I needed to feel secure & safe in the R. Not all in one sentence of course .. but during the course of one conversation.
I also let him speak. I listened to what he told me. Listened to why he said he was sometimes late emailing me & how he felt about me , the R & his occasional tardiness.
I trusted in his feelings for me. I overlooked the odd overrun if he was late emailing me ..I tried not to interpret every silence as a personal rebuff. Not to over-think and/or 2nd guess every word said or not said & I began to concentrate on the positives the R brought to my life.
I know how important those virtual contacts are & I do understand how bad unexpected silences can make you feel. But, there are many things you can do to combat those feelings. The things I've mentioned above helped me.
I'd also like to say a few words about norms & realistic expectations when it comes to the amount of contact in an EMR. Not all couples have daily contact. That does not make your R any the less committed or mean that your MP loves you less. It does not make your R 'less than' those that do.
Being in an EMR means that the AP will have to be discreet if you are to avoid a Dday. It also means that there will be times ( sometimes unexpected ) when they cannot be contacted or contact you.
Every R ,so every EMR too, has it's own unique dynamic. This depends on the personalities/needs/wants & opportunities open to both parties.
When it comes to contact in an EMR ,it will be particularly the MP who determines the amount & timing of contact .. precisely because they are M.
Finally, for me, quantity does not necessarily mean quality. Chit-chat is nice & good .. but does not a deep connection make. Sometimes less is more ..
So, if your MP is not contacting you multiple times a day/week .. don't feel that you or your R are somehow less than or that they do not love you. Rather , look to what the quality of the contact is. Do you have fun. Does it have meaning for both of you. Do they respond to your questions. Does the contact add to your R and/or your day. Does it cheer you. Do you both enjoy it.
Of course not all those things have to happen all the time .. just in general.
Having said all that .. I do know just how upsetting & hurtful unexpected silences can feel. Stay true to your bottom line. Try to honor your own boundaries. Don't beat yourself up if you find that hard. You are not superhuman. We all need time to do the hard stuff .. some never get there .. that's just the way it is .. there is no shame in it. We all do the best we can , given the place we are in, in our life, at that time in our life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off & try again. Life is not a level path along a fixed route .. relationships certainly aren't. It's only by navigating the bumps, the falls, the twists & the hurts that we grow in confidence & learn. There is no shame in falling & there is no shame in failing .. it's all a part of learning & growing.
Those awful unexpected silences can feel very upsetting , very frustrating & very hurtful. They can make the monkeys ( your inner fears & insecurities , your triggers ) go berserk.
I often read that people think the MP is doing this because they want to push you away, force you to leave or because they see you as a low priority convenience to be taken out only when they feel the need.
I do not think this is often ( if ever ) the case. I do think that it is exactly how it makes you feel.
I think it's important you should (keep) telling them that. Tell them that it is slowly ( or maybe speedily ) destroying the R. because those phone calls/emails/txts etc are the life blood of your R. They help you to feel important, connected & like the R matters to the AP. That silence is THE killer. That you need x number of communications per week to feel secure & OK in the R.
I also think it is *very* important to keep your expectations realistic. Try to make the number you ask for a compromise between what you want & what they can provide.
Remember that they do not have the same life you do. No matter how much they may think about you & long for you, if they are finding it difficult all it shows is that , at the moment , as their life is at the moment , they find it very hard to make regular/frequent contact.
Being busy can be a reason for not communicating. Days can fly by & it can come as a surprise that 7 or 10 days have gone by , when you thought it was only 3 or 4. It's certainly happened to me.
Add to that , that they can not always contact you when they want to .. they have a BS & a home life to contend with.
Yes, that IS their baby to rock .. but , the reality is that it WILL interfere with their ability to contact you.
Mr.H ( my MM ) & I only communicate once or twice a week. Many on my old board & probably here too , feel that is not enough. Mr.H & I wrangled long & hard about it. I wanted more & felt all the feelings I have mentioned above.
I wrote & talked about it many a time with him. He would make an effort & then fall back again. I started to feel like he just couldn't be bothered BUT I knew from when we met & his emails that he did care & was sincere in his feelings for me .. & I realized I was experiencing a cognitive dissonance.
So, I thought long & hard about WHY it made me feel so bad. Why I was interpreting it as I was. For me , it was because I felt insecure in the R. & in Mr.H's feelings for me .. & the unexpected silences fed that feeling.
So, I tackled that problem. I asked Mr.H what my place was in his life. I asked if he loved me & I told him how his unexpected silences made me feel.
I told him what I needed to feel secure & safe in the R. Not all in one sentence of course .. but during the course of one conversation.
I also let him speak. I listened to what he told me. Listened to why he said he was sometimes late emailing me & how he felt about me , the R & his occasional tardiness.
I trusted in his feelings for me. I overlooked the odd overrun if he was late emailing me ..I tried not to interpret every silence as a personal rebuff. Not to over-think and/or 2nd guess every word said or not said & I began to concentrate on the positives the R brought to my life.
I know how important those virtual contacts are & I do understand how bad unexpected silences can make you feel. But, there are many things you can do to combat those feelings. The things I've mentioned above helped me.
I'd also like to say a few words about norms & realistic expectations when it comes to the amount of contact in an EMR. Not all couples have daily contact. That does not make your R any the less committed or mean that your MP loves you less. It does not make your R 'less than' those that do.
Being in an EMR means that the AP will have to be discreet if you are to avoid a Dday. It also means that there will be times ( sometimes unexpected ) when they cannot be contacted or contact you.
Every R ,so every EMR too, has it's own unique dynamic. This depends on the personalities/needs/wants & opportunities open to both parties.
When it comes to contact in an EMR ,it will be particularly the MP who determines the amount & timing of contact .. precisely because they are M.
Finally, for me, quantity does not necessarily mean quality. Chit-chat is nice & good .. but does not a deep connection make. Sometimes less is more ..
So, if your MP is not contacting you multiple times a day/week .. don't feel that you or your R are somehow less than or that they do not love you. Rather , look to what the quality of the contact is. Do you have fun. Does it have meaning for both of you. Do they respond to your questions. Does the contact add to your R and/or your day. Does it cheer you. Do you both enjoy it.
Of course not all those things have to happen all the time .. just in general.
Having said all that .. I do know just how upsetting & hurtful unexpected silences can feel. Stay true to your bottom line. Try to honor your own boundaries. Don't beat yourself up if you find that hard. You are not superhuman. We all need time to do the hard stuff .. some never get there .. that's just the way it is .. there is no shame in it. We all do the best we can , given the place we are in, in our life, at that time in our life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off & try again. Life is not a level path along a fixed route .. relationships certainly aren't. It's only by navigating the bumps, the falls, the twists & the hurts that we grow in confidence & learn. There is no shame in falling & there is no shame in failing .. it's all a part of learning & growing.
