Single woman, married man and breadcrumbs

[Suncharell]

Hi everyone.  New here and looking for a safe place to process some complicated feelings regarding my first love.  Our history goes back decades.  We’ve been in a “situationship” for 17 years now. He’s been married for many years and he’s going to stay that way
Lately I’m dealing with a slow fade and low effort, breadcrumbs. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m just a booty call. He’s done the slow fade in the past and he’s come around when I’ve addressed my concerns with him
this last time I didn’t hear from them for a few weeks so I texted him to make sure that he was OK and he texted back and apologized and said he was very busy with work and some projects, but didn’t mention anything about getting in touch with me.
I’m really struggling with wanting his validation and resisting the urge to reel him back in like I usually do.
I just don’t want these breadcrumbs anymore, and I’m not sure if I’ve strong enough to cut the cord
I joined this form to break the isolation and connect with others who share this specific kind of grief.

[Emilyj]

Welcome to this supportive site. I, too, am a single person in a long-term EMR so I fully empathise.

Our relationship isn't quite the same as yours as we have a huge amount of regular contact but the slow fade is something I fear as we grow older.

Are you able to pinpoint what it is that deters you from snipping the cord? If you know that he's going to stay married, I suppose I'm wondering what's in it for you especially when you feel you've become a booty call and as though you're merely given breadcrumbs. This sounds really tough.

Look forward to hearing more from you over the coming months and beyond x

[Suncharell]

Thank you Emily.  and honestly, I think you’ve asked a really good question although it’s a difficult one for me to answer.I think what keeps me from snipping the cord is the pull of the breadcrumbs themselves. It’s not as simple as me deciding that I’m willing to accept being a booty call. When I don’t hear from him, I feel the sadness and the uncertainty, and I start wondering what I mean to him now. Then I reach out, he responds, and there’s this huge sense of relief. For a little while, I feel connected to him again and reassured that whatever we have is still there. And then eventually the contact fades again and I’m back in that same place." pid="478939" dateline="1786134760"]
I think that cycle has become its own kind of attachment.
And I also think the 17 years of history make this much harder than simply walking away from something that isn’t working. He was my first love, and despite everything that is complicated and painful about this relationship, he still means an enormous amount to me. Knowing that he’s going to stay married is something I understand intellectually. I’m not holding onto a fantasy that he’s going to leave her. But accepting that reality emotionally—and figuring out what that means for my place in his life—is much harder.
Maybe that’s part of what I’m trying to figure out here. Not necessarily how to convince myself that I shouldn’t care about him, but how to stop letting the little bits of contact determine whether I feel okay or not.
And I think that’s why the slow fade is hitting me so hard. It’s forcing me to confront how much of my emotional wellbeing has become tied to whether he reaches out.
I appreciate you asking the question, though. I think there’s probably something important for me to unpack in it. xEmilyjWelcome to this supportive site. I, too, am a single person in a long-term EMR so I fully empathise.

Our relationship isn't quite the same as yours as we have a huge amount of regular contact but the slow fade is something I fear as we grow older.
Are you able to pinpoint what it is that deters you from snipping the cord? If you know that he's going to stay married, I suppose I'm wondering what's in it for you especially when you feel you've become a booty call and as though you're merely given breadcrumbs. This sounds really tough.
Look forward to hearing more from you over the coming months and beyond x

[Emilyj]

As I read your message, I literally felt the ebb and flow of the ocean, it feels as though this is how your relationship is. Does this seem like an analogy which might be meaningful to you?

Let me explain, in so far as the slow fade you describe being the flowing out away from him and then, the breadcrumbs you describe being the reassuring ebbing back in to him.

If this analogy and image works for you, then maybe have a think about whether the tide is further out for you overall (leaving that wider gap between you both and having a higher negative impact on your wellbeing), or conversely being further in (being greater emotional wellbeing and reassurance).

I think that what you are feeling is completely normal given the type of relationship that we are in. It’s surely understandable to feel uncertainty within an uncertain relationship.

For example, I also struggle with acceptance around mine. Will my MM one day leave? Is what we have now all we will ever have? If he doesn’t, is this all we will ever have? And, if so, is that enough? It feels as though our window of time is ebbing away fast. You, however, believe that you have that definite knowledge that he will not leave, you have that acceptance and maybe it’s this knowledge that makes you question exactly what the two of you do have (hence why, occasionally, you question whether you are a booty call). So, keep pondering on what does he give you? What does he bring to the table? How does he fill your emotional cup?

I also identify with your emotional wellbeing becoming tied to whether he reaches out. Unusually for us, our stream of myriad messaging is less this weekend (family home at his) and I am aware that this brings my mood down and I then get angry and disappointed at myself for allowing my emotional wellbeing to be dependent on another. What could we do to untangle our emotional wellbeing from them? We should be responsible for our emotional wellbeing; we should not be handing our emotional wellbeing over to them. So, maybe also ponder on what you can do to take back the control around your emotional wellbeing.

Making decisions is never easy, making decisions over a first love particularly not easy. Life feels like a seesaw at times- which side will bring us the greatest happiness? Assuming that happiness is what we are seeking……

I am reading a beautiful book at the moment and this morning a character said: “Love has nothing to do with ‘plans for tomorrow’ or ‘memories of yesterday’. Love could only be here and now.” (Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love)

Is love here and now with you as you read this? Maybe this is also something to be thinking about… x

[Suncharell]

As I read your message, I literally felt the ebb and flow of the ocean, it feels as though this is how your relationship is. Does this seem like an analogy which might be meaningful to you?

Let me explain, in so far as the slow fade you describe being the flowing out away from him and then, the breadcrumbs you describe being the reassuring ebbing back in to him.

If this analogy and image works for you, then maybe have a think about whether the tide is further out for you overall (leaving that wider gap between you both and having a higher negative impact on your wellbeing), or conversely being further in (being greater emotional wellbeing and reassurance).

I think that what you are feeling is completely normal given the type of relationship that we are in. It’s surely understandable to feel uncertainty within an uncertain relationship.

For example, I also struggle with acceptance around mine. Will my MM one day leave? Is what we have now all we will ever have? If he doesn’t, is this all we will ever have? And, if so, is that enough? It feels as though our window of time is ebbing away fast. You, however, believe that you have that definite knowledge that he will not leave, you have that acceptance and maybe it’s this knowledge that makes you question exactly what the two of you do have (hence why, occasionally, you question whether you are a booty call). So, keep pondering on what does he give you? What does he bring to the table? How does he fill your emotional cup?

I also identify with your emotional wellbeing becoming tied to whether he reaches out. Unusually for us, our stream of myriad messaging is less this weekend (family home at his) and I am aware that this brings my mood down and I then get angry and disappointed at myself for allowing my emotional wellbeing to be dependent on another. What could we do to untangle our emotional wellbeing from them? We should be responsible for our emotional wellbeing; we should not be handing our emotional wellbeing over to them. So, maybe also ponder on what you can do to take back the control around your emotional wellbeing.

Making decisions is never easy, making decisions over a first love particularly not easy. Life feels like a seesaw at times- which side will bring us the greatest happiness? Assuming that happiness is what we are seeking……

I am reading a beautiful book at the moment and this morning a character said: “Love has nothing to do with ‘plans for tomorrow’ or ‘memories of yesterday’. Love could only be here and now.” (Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love)

Is love here and now with you as you read this? Maybe this is also something to be thinking about… x

Thank you Emily for a very thought-provoking and supportive response as usual
definitely some ebbs and flows on both sides when we have been involved as long as we have
which makes a disappearing act even harder. at this point I’m hoping we will connect soon and I can get some clarity regarding the pull back.  Then  I can decide what I want to do next.  
I don’t like that my emotional well-being is caught up with how often he communicates. I know people will often say that silence is answer. but after this amount of time , it’s not enough of an answer for me.

[Emilyj]

Thank you Emily for a very thought-provoking and supportive response as usual
definitely some ebbs and flows on both sides when we have been involved as long as we have
which makes a disappearing act even harder. at this point I’m hoping we will connect soon and I can get some clarity regarding the pull back.  Then  I can decide what I want to do next.  
I don’t like that my emotional well-being is caught up with how often he communicates. I know people will often say that silence is answer. but after this amount of time , it’s not enough of an answer for me.

I hope you connect soon and gain some much-needed clarity. Bear in mind, however, that an emotional reconnection may leave little space in which to derive clarity! Additionally, clarity might be something that creeps up - like a wall gradually being built, brick by brick - rather than the sudden opening of a door. You definitely sound as though you are on a path though, maybe even a fork in a path. I hope that you find the way onto the right path for you.

Keep us posted and look after you x

[Violet]

Hello and welcome, Suncharell. I want you to know you’re in a place of understanding here. It’s difficult getting the breadcrumbs, slow fade. My MM has done his share of distancing over our time together and it takes its toll on me.  I hope you get some clarity soon. Hugs to you.

[Jen_admin]

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[split]Single woman, married man and breadcrumbs