04-08-2014, 07:38 PM
Welcome to those who are reading this. Know you have found a safe place, full of people who understand the complexities of the affair and who will be non-judgmental, supportive and able to make your belly laugh when you need to. We are here to share our experiences, so you know you are not alone.
How did I get here? I was a betrayed spouse and while I didn't understand how "one woman can do that to another", I always held him responsible for ch---ing. For a multitude of reasons, we divorced.
Now, years later I found I can answer that question above - and the answer is I am not doing anything to another woman. I fell in love with her husband, so anything I did was within my relationship with him. We were friends who (through email only) fell in love with each other - fighting it all the way, taking breaks from communication trying to control the feelings and finally accepting it was what it was, an emotional affair. Do I feel I did anything "to" his wife? No, to be very honest, we shared all of our lives with each other, and yet I still always considered her a non-entity in our relationship (please see the thread "Love Triangle or Parallel Relationships?"). I knew many of their problems, although I was careful never to complain to my married man about my significant other, because that felt like a HUGE betrayal to me (betrayal of my SO). Quite honestly, my married man fully supported my relationship with SO and said he felt SO was the best man for me, and he would at times let me know why he thought SO was better for me. Weird, yes, but we were friends first, we were friends through the emotional affair and swore our friendship would last even beyond the emotional affair. (To be determined)
From this perspective, I find that I struggle with both sides of an affair, the other woman and the wayward committed person. I struggled with wanting more from him and on the other side, with the lies and deception that hiding something from your partner causes. I judged myself from society's perspective of both of these roles - was I a bad person because I loved a married man? How could I love two people, while in a 15 year committed, living together relationship? Was this really love for the married man? We "only" communicated via email and NEVER on weekends, how could this possibly be considered an affair? How could I, who after coming through some significant issues vowed to live an honest and true life, find myself in a deceptive relationship with my SO while being more honest with my married man? That realization really shook me to the core.
So, yes, that's where I am: I am in love with one man and I love another. I chose to continue the emotional affair, knowing my life partner is someone else. I did nothing to his wife, anything that this relationship does to her is his responsibility just as anything that the relationship does to SO is fully and completely my responsibility. I have only accepted his love because he chose to give it to me.
How did I get here? I was a betrayed spouse and while I didn't understand how "one woman can do that to another", I always held him responsible for ch---ing. For a multitude of reasons, we divorced.
Now, years later I found I can answer that question above - and the answer is I am not doing anything to another woman. I fell in love with her husband, so anything I did was within my relationship with him. We were friends who (through email only) fell in love with each other - fighting it all the way, taking breaks from communication trying to control the feelings and finally accepting it was what it was, an emotional affair. Do I feel I did anything "to" his wife? No, to be very honest, we shared all of our lives with each other, and yet I still always considered her a non-entity in our relationship (please see the thread "Love Triangle or Parallel Relationships?"). I knew many of their problems, although I was careful never to complain to my married man about my significant other, because that felt like a HUGE betrayal to me (betrayal of my SO). Quite honestly, my married man fully supported my relationship with SO and said he felt SO was the best man for me, and he would at times let me know why he thought SO was better for me. Weird, yes, but we were friends first, we were friends through the emotional affair and swore our friendship would last even beyond the emotional affair. (To be determined)
From this perspective, I find that I struggle with both sides of an affair, the other woman and the wayward committed person. I struggled with wanting more from him and on the other side, with the lies and deception that hiding something from your partner causes. I judged myself from society's perspective of both of these roles - was I a bad person because I loved a married man? How could I love two people, while in a 15 year committed, living together relationship? Was this really love for the married man? We "only" communicated via email and NEVER on weekends, how could this possibly be considered an affair? How could I, who after coming through some significant issues vowed to live an honest and true life, find myself in a deceptive relationship with my SO while being more honest with my married man? That realization really shook me to the core.
So, yes, that's where I am: I am in love with one man and I love another. I chose to continue the emotional affair, knowing my life partner is someone else. I did nothing to his wife, anything that this relationship does to her is his responsibility just as anything that the relationship does to SO is fully and completely my responsibility. I have only accepted his love because he chose to give it to me.
Time is like a river. (Castle)
