05-25-2013, 08:12 AM
Many of us other women and other men yearn for the extramarital relationship to be revealed to the spouse. We never wanted to be hidden. We wanted a relationship out in the open. We may even have contemplated telling the betrayed spouse ourselves but decided not to.
Then one day Dday hits. Dday is short for discovery day. The extramarital relationship is revealed. Perhaps the married person has found enough courage to decide to tell the spouse the truth. Perhaps the spouse had started to become suspicious and figured out the truth. All is well now, right? The relationship is out in the open and the married person can move on, get a divorce and be with the person he/she truly loves.
But? What? The married person panics, starts backtracking, denies ever having loved the other woman/man. What's going on?
This is generally referred to as "throwing the other woman/man under the bus" and is a common incident on Dday. Does this mean the married person never loved the other woman/man? No. It does not. So keep calm.
It means the married person was not emotionally ready yet to cut all ties with the marriage. He/she is panicking and trying to reduce the pain of the spouse in any which way is possible. A married woman once described it as the pain of the spouse being so strong in that moment she could think of nothing but reducing that pain. Soon enough when things started settling down the emotions for the married other man returned.
So my advice if this happens to you is breath deeply, do your best to stay calm, wait and see what happens. Don't you throw your relationship under the bus by drawing conclusions that what's happening at this volatile time determines the validity of your relationship. Hold on to the love and bond you share and be strong. Dday is too early to say where your relationship is going.
By learning about the dynamics of extramarital relationships a lot of pitfalls can be avoided. This is true for both the married person and the other woman/man. By reading other people's stories we learn of the common dynamics and patterns extramarital relationships share. We learn what is to be expected and what is specific for our relationship in particular. This way we avoid taking personally what is merely par for the course.
Then one day Dday hits. Dday is short for discovery day. The extramarital relationship is revealed. Perhaps the married person has found enough courage to decide to tell the spouse the truth. Perhaps the spouse had started to become suspicious and figured out the truth. All is well now, right? The relationship is out in the open and the married person can move on, get a divorce and be with the person he/she truly loves.
But? What? The married person panics, starts backtracking, denies ever having loved the other woman/man. What's going on?
This is generally referred to as "throwing the other woman/man under the bus" and is a common incident on Dday. Does this mean the married person never loved the other woman/man? No. It does not. So keep calm.
It means the married person was not emotionally ready yet to cut all ties with the marriage. He/she is panicking and trying to reduce the pain of the spouse in any which way is possible. A married woman once described it as the pain of the spouse being so strong in that moment she could think of nothing but reducing that pain. Soon enough when things started settling down the emotions for the married other man returned.
So my advice if this happens to you is breath deeply, do your best to stay calm, wait and see what happens. Don't you throw your relationship under the bus by drawing conclusions that what's happening at this volatile time determines the validity of your relationship. Hold on to the love and bond you share and be strong. Dday is too early to say where your relationship is going.
By learning about the dynamics of extramarital relationships a lot of pitfalls can be avoided. This is true for both the married person and the other woman/man. By reading other people's stories we learn of the common dynamics and patterns extramarital relationships share. We learn what is to be expected and what is specific for our relationship in particular. This way we avoid taking personally what is merely par for the course.
