10-13-2016, 04:06 PM
Resentment isn't healthy, certainly not in an intimate relationship. Here's something I wrote when I struggled with resentment:
I have been having problems with resentment. I too hate that he lives with her, sleeps with her, eats with her, watches TV with her... but I've decided that feeling resentment harms me and our relationship, so I'm trying to figure out what I can do about it. Obviously I can't suddenly start liking the situation, liking that he lives with her. That would be fooling myself. So instead I am experimenting with my emotions. Starting by just letting them be and not feeding them. It turns out I think I am actually more sad than anything.
I used to be angry a lot. A leftover from my past relationship. With Lance my anger has mellowed out and turned into sadness instead. Perhaps that's the case with my resentment too, that there is another emotion hiding underneath.
We can't make them behave like we wish they would. And we are choosing to stay in the relationship. Perhaps it is our responsibility to handle our own emotions in a way that isn't detrimental to the relationship rather than trying to change the MM.
***
What we think influences our feelings.
I was having feelings of resentment towards Lance. I could:
a) continue to let those feelings fester
b) expect him to change things so they would go away
c) end our relationship so the source of resentment would be out of my life
d) look at my thought patterns and see if by changing the way I was thinking about my situation I could minimize the resentment I was feeling.
By changing our thoughts we can change our feelings and behaviors.
I decided on option d).
I accepted that I am every day choosing to stay in a relationship with Lance. It is my own choice. He is still married and yet I am choosing to be with him. I am responsible for that choice, not he.
I decided that resentment was a feeling which was harmful to our relationship and therefore it is my responsibility to not indulge in that feeling and actively work towards not allowing myself to go there.
Lance does treat me well. I have no complaints. He is moving forward with counseling and I want to support him in that and give our relationship the best chance it has to succeed.
I have been having problems with resentment. I too hate that he lives with her, sleeps with her, eats with her, watches TV with her... but I've decided that feeling resentment harms me and our relationship, so I'm trying to figure out what I can do about it. Obviously I can't suddenly start liking the situation, liking that he lives with her. That would be fooling myself. So instead I am experimenting with my emotions. Starting by just letting them be and not feeding them. It turns out I think I am actually more sad than anything.
I used to be angry a lot. A leftover from my past relationship. With Lance my anger has mellowed out and turned into sadness instead. Perhaps that's the case with my resentment too, that there is another emotion hiding underneath.
We can't make them behave like we wish they would. And we are choosing to stay in the relationship. Perhaps it is our responsibility to handle our own emotions in a way that isn't detrimental to the relationship rather than trying to change the MM.
***
What we think influences our feelings.
I was having feelings of resentment towards Lance. I could:
a) continue to let those feelings fester
b) expect him to change things so they would go away
c) end our relationship so the source of resentment would be out of my life
d) look at my thought patterns and see if by changing the way I was thinking about my situation I could minimize the resentment I was feeling.
By changing our thoughts we can change our feelings and behaviors.
I decided on option d).
I accepted that I am every day choosing to stay in a relationship with Lance. It is my own choice. He is still married and yet I am choosing to be with him. I am responsible for that choice, not he.
I decided that resentment was a feeling which was harmful to our relationship and therefore it is my responsibility to not indulge in that feeling and actively work towards not allowing myself to go there.
Lance does treat me well. I have no complaints. He is moving forward with counseling and I want to support him in that and give our relationship the best chance it has to succeed.
Lance 
Gwen
Gwen
