Hello everyone

[Foreternity]

Its great to find this forum.. I have so much to share and hope our stories can bring clairy and relief for one another. I am a OM once a MM , been in an EMR for now exactly 4 years. Tons of emotions ups and downs and feeling defeated now more than ever. I wish you all love and happiness to the fullest in the way you seek. Thank you for having me

[JustHer]

Welcome to TS

[Harlow]

Hi and to TS!

[Sandrine]

Its great to find this forum.. I have so much to share and hope our stories can bring clairy and relief for one another. I am a OM once a MM , been in an EMR for now exactly 4 years. Tons of emotions ups and downs and feeling defeated now more than ever. I wish you all love and happiness to the fullest in the way you seek. Thank you for having me

Good morning. Why do you feel defeated now more than ever?  Welcome.

[Foreternity]

Their child's birthday passed recently and as a gift from "him" to the child was tickets on vacation which also includes my MW. She has insisted that he got the tickets behind her back and she is gravely afraid to say no and be the bad guy now that the child is aware. To be fair she hasn't really done anything with him as a family. Usually when she goes out now with the child it's just her and their child never him anymore. I see she's trying and there's effort , but I don't want to say I feel she's lying but it just doesn't add up he would spend this amount of money and plan a trip "behind your back" when she usually does everything financially and paperwork wise at home. I feel she doesn't take me as serious as she used to. It's been a long 4 years I love her like no tomorrow. No matter the time or day I'm there for her

[Sandrine]

Their child's birthday passed recently and as a gift from "him" to the child was tickets on vacation which also includes my MW. She has insisted that he got the tickets behind her back and she is gravely afraid to say no and be the bad guy now that the child is aware. To be fair she hasn't really done anything with him as a family. Usually when she goes out now with the child it's just her and their child never him anymore. I see she's trying and there's effort , but I don't want to say I feel she's lying but it just doesn't add up he would spend this amount of money and plan a trip "behind your back" when she usually does everything financially and paperwork wise at home. I feel she doesn't take me as serious as she used to. It's been a long 4 years I love her like no tomorrow. No matter the time or day I'm there for her

My own H did plan a trip for our kiddos to see his family, without telling me about it (neither he nor I went, though).   It is possible your AP's spouse did that.   Maybe her H is trying to save the marriage?   Do you feel you have had an honest relationship with her so far?   

APs should be truthful with one another, but also APs want things from EMRs that could be compromised by complete truth. Just MHO.  I am truthful to a fault, but neither of my APs were with me.

[Foreternity]

My own H did plan a trip for our kiddos to see his family, without telling me about it (neither he nor I went, though).   It is possible your AP's spouse did that.   Maybe her H is trying to save the marriage?   Do you feel you have had an honest relationship with her so far?   

It's nice to read something like that. It's quite the possibility he's trying to save the marriage, so that's where some of my fear stems from. I feel she's truthful at least most of the time. Maybe not about the intimacy because she knows it would hurt me. We have a lot less intimacy than before over the past while, especially after a minor DDay

[Foreternity]

I feel I'm very honest. And I've been 100% faithful, she means the world to me. And I personally feel if I love her and want to offer her a good life I'd give all that freely with good intentions. We have been through an insane amount for ups and downs and we are still here. I know many especially mothers they "live miserable" for their kids. I did it for 2 years and could not live with the feelings of guilt to my MW and my children that I was living a lie. No matter the money or issues to arise I felt it was the best thing to do. I love my children and my AP to death and it hurts me to hurt them. I know she hasn't been on vacation since meeting me she deserves it, it just hurts deeply she's doing it with someone else which is her H. I try to understand and just grow up about it and let it play it's course but I cry almost all day. I do fear as always she won't see how much I love her and I'd do anything to prove that.

[Jeudeballe]

I feel I'm very honest. And I've been 100% faithful, she means the world to me. And I personally feel if I love her and want to offer her a good life I'd give all that freely with good intentions. We have been through an insane amount for ups and downs and we are still here. I know many especially mothers they "live miserable" for their kids. I did it for 2 years and could not live with the feelings of guilt to my MW and my children that I was living a lie. No matter the money or issues to arise I felt it was the best thing to do. I love my children and my AP to death and it hurts me to hurt them. I know she hasn't been on vacation since meeting me she deserves it, it just hurts deeply she's doing it with someone else which is her H. I try to understand and just grow up about it and let it play it's course but I cry almost all day. I do fear as always she won't see how much I love her and I'd do anything to prove that.

Hi there, glad you found us. Do you have anyone in real life you could discuss this with? Have you considered trying to find a therapist who would be understanding/supportive of your situation? It sounds like you are really struggling (although crying is good and cathartic, crying all day is probably making it hard to do much else). 

Has she given you any indication that things have changed on her end? Have you discussed how she sees the future v how you see the future?

[Foreternity]

I cry behind closed doors since the trip was announced. Yes I have a great close friend who was in the same situation. He listens but his idea is to run, it's going to hurt me forever. I still work everyday a very difficult job and continue to be a father the best I can. There is pieces missing and she's the pieces. Future was once she won't renew the mortgage if I'm consistent and we are happy together. Recently we have been up and down a lot but I love her to death and I say so every single chance I can. She sometimes says now shes not sure of the future but wrote me an incredible new years message right on time how she loves me and how I'm there for her. And she cannot wait to walk hand in hand openly one day. One day sounds far away. I'm ready more ready than ever even got a ring!

[Sandrine]

I cry behind closed doors since the trip was announced. Yes I have a great close friend who was in the same situation. He listens but his idea is to run, it's going to hurt me forever. I still work everyday a very difficult job and continue to be a father the best I can. There is pieces missing and she's the pieces. Future was once she won't renew the mortgage if I'm consistent and we are happy together. Recently we have been up and down a lot but I love her to death and I say so every single chance I can. She sometimes says now shes not sure of the future but wrote me an incredible new years message right on time how she loves me and how I'm there for her. And she cannot wait to walk hand in hand openly one day. One day sounds far away. I'm ready more ready than ever even got a ring!

It sounds like you are very much in love with your MW.  May I ask how old you are?  Somehow I imagine you to be in your 30s?  I don't mean to be presumptuous.  It is simply that it's very rare for me to meet an older man who is able to express his sentiments as you do.  (I'm a more mature woman with over 30 yrs of marriage). 
Do you feel that one day you want to leave your situation and be with her?  Does she love you equally and would be willing?

[Foreternity]

Fantastic guess. I met her in my late 20s and now I'm in my 30s which is fine to ask don't worry. I'm ready to be with her through thick and thin, I purchased the engagement ring 2 years ago and got a different one crafted 3 times! I actually want her and to marry her. I don't usually express my feelings nor cry! But F! This is something else! I don't beg or force but do make funny remarks like wow that was fun see why you should get a D? And we laugh. As much as I'd love it

[Foreternity]

I'm also no longer in a relationship besides with her. I chose to leave my previous partner and kids 2 years ago. For the better for all our health. I'm so clear emotionally now and all the legal issues are complete. I'm ready to do everything for her

[Allie]

My own H did plan a trip for our kiddos to see his family, without telling me about it (neither he nor I went, though).   It is possible your AP's spouse did that.   Maybe her H is trying to save the marriage?   Do you feel you have had an honest relationship with her so far?   

APs should be truthful with one another, but also APs want things from EMRs that could be compromised by complete truth. Just MHO.  I am truthful to a fault, but neither of my APs were with me.

I just want to chime in on this. I never felt that my marriage or family was the business of my AP (originally Mp and later divorced). I was honest that I was not leaving my marriage or family. I had two relationships and they were separate for me. Honest yes, in general. I didn’t make up lies but when it came to my family, if being honest and telling the truth about a situation was going to become a fight, then I was going to omit details that just weren’t his business. Our marriages weren’t something we talked about with each other. 

I think it is different if the MP is saying, I’m going to leave, I’m getting divorced but is lying about those plans. The context of the lie and the situation matters here. 

I think a happier EMR would be to not focus on the marriage but rather focus on the relationship between the two AP’s and how to build that relationship separately from the marriage. Focus on effort and time spent, plans for seeing each other, emotional and physical connections. Talking about and focusing on the other relationship takes away from the relationship you’re building together.

[Foreternity]

I agree it should be to focus on our love and relationship. Just extremely difficult when I feel I've given my all and shes just getting a hall pass. But she is a tremendous mother so.. it makes sense in the end. I try to feel if I focus on doing a good job maybe she will finally leave her H

[Jeudeballe]

Foreternity, is it possible that you are too available to her? Have you tried pulling back just a touch and seeing if she picks up the slack so to speak? I don’t advocate playing games, just giving her a bit more space to initiate / take ownership of progressing your relationship? Also, did you say she has a hall pass to be with you? Does that mean she’s effectively in an open relationship? Have you told her exactly how you envision the future and does she share that vision? 

Sorry for so many questions!

[Foreternity]

Don't worry about the questions I'm ok with it. She knows I love her to death. She's changed me for the better and it made me a better father. I owe her a lot. I do feel yes I made myself too available for her , but id much rather be honest and feel/know I tried my dear best. I'm not forcing her what so ever to leave , it's to be earned and there is some understanding. I helped her pack today and I can see the guilt or some sort of pain in her heart. I don't want her to feel guilty , she said it's only natural because she doesn't want to leave me knowing I'm hurt and will miss her hurt her also. Her kids are young so she's worried it will be very difficult too. So not really a vacation for her is her words. She said if she had a choice this would never happen to go as she's been avoiding leaving for 4 years the only way she wouldn't go at all if it was just her and her H because she doesn't want that. But their child is well aware of the trip and she wouldn't want to hurt them like that, they are really excited to go. 

We do spend a lot of time together, from what I read it seems more than most here. So I'm very lucky with that , that's for sure. We have our moments for sure, I mean we all do right? I have mentioned my future goals and she's the main one. I juggled my children I've prepared and fixed for the future with them so I'm good. I know for her he does make a good amount of money, help with childcare and even her family for work. The children are also very young so I understand. She's very loving and puts them first ALWAYS I know for a fact. She once said her H called her selfish, her response was if I was selfish I wouldn't be living here. I do push myself hard to focus on our moments together believe me, just some days of barely speaking or him calling and interrupting hurt me pretty good. He always calls at the "right" moments too so it doesn't help


Thanks for speaking to me

[Jeudeballe]

Don't worry about the questions I'm ok with it. She knows I love her to death. She's changed me for the better and it made me a better father. I owe her a lot. I do feel yes I made myself too available for her , but id much rather be honest and feel/know I tried my dear best. I'm not forcing her what so ever to leave , it's to be earned and there is some understanding. I helped her pack today and I can see the guilt or some sort of pain in her heart. I don't want her to feel guilty , she said it's only natural because she doesn't want to leave me knowing I'm hurt and will miss her hurt her also. Her kids are young so she's worried it will be very difficult too. So not really a vacation for her is her words. She said if she had a choice this would never happen to go as she's been avoiding leaving for 4 years the only way she wouldn't go at all if it was just her and her H because she doesn't want that. But their child is well aware of the trip and she wouldn't want to hurt them like that, they are really excited to go. 

We do spend a lot of time together, from what I read it seems more than most here. So I'm very lucky with that , that's for sure. We have our moments for sure, I mean we all do right? I have mentioned my future goals and she's the main one. I juggled my children I've prepared and fixed for the future with them so I'm good. I know for her he does make a good amount of money, help with childcare and even her family for work. The children are also very young so I understand. She's very loving and puts them first ALWAYS I know for a fact. She once said her H called her selfish, her response was if I was selfish I wouldn't be living here. I do push myself hard to focus on our moments together believe me, just some days of barely speaking or him calling and interrupting hurt me pretty good. He always calls at the "right" moments too so it doesn't help


Thanks for speaking to me

As a mom of young kids, I can sympathize with her need to protect them above all. It does sound like she is trying her hardest to make things work for everyone. And I am glad to hear you get to spend a lot of time together, that is in fact rare for many people in EMRs.

[Foreternity]

As a mom of young kids, I can sympathize with her need to protect them above all. It does sound like she is trying her hardest to make things work for everyone. And I am glad to hear you get to spend a lot of time together, that is in fact rare for many people in EMRs.

I know I'm totally grateful for the time. And yes she's a very incredible mother at that. And she sometimes does say she can't rip herself apart and make everyone happy. She's great... Just seen her for the last time before her vacation.. miss her already

[Daisy Rose]

I think a happier EMR would be to not focus on the marriage but rather focus on the relationship between the two AP’s and how to build that relationship separately from the marriage.

I can understand why someone would want to keep the two relationships separate, independent of each other. I tried to do that when I was married. But the reality is that each relationship does affect the other to some degree.