New here and devastated

[Fran63]

Hello,
I'm so glad I have found this true support. I'm Fran. Have been in a relationship with a married man for over 4 years. It seems to be over but I didn't want it to be. We have been here so many times before but this time is for real. I'm devastated........

[Jeudeballe]

Hi Fran, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Welcome, we will try to be here for you. What happened?

[Fran63]

Hi Fran, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Welcome, we will try to be here for you. What happened?

Hi Jeudeballe,
Thank you so much. My story {in a nutshell}--- met this MM on a dating type website in late 2019 .  Despite only meeting for fun, originally, it became love,really.
We did have lots of breakups over not very much. He is older {60 s} and I'm no spring chicken and being with him 24/7 was never on the cards. He talked and messaged for hours , at times  and got to know each other pretty well. I know lots about his family but not that much about his wife ( although there are issues he has told me ).
 
We did  other sporty stuff together "hiding in plain sight" and that part was brilliant. It became more about meeting up rather than just  the physical side of things.
I became jealous, I know and he was actually very forgiving . Multiple breakups with always getting back together. Usually when he had family time or holidays etc- those were my triggers.

This time I caused a drama about why he didnt call me if he was out ( and I knew he would have been and usually alone) and we got back to the same old thing- I complain about what he doesn't do rather than what he does. He has had enough, he says and absolutely will not back down this time. It's very very different this time because in the past I would just know we would be back in touch. 

As time went on, I wanted more of him. Not to have him move in or anything but just more time. I feel like I'm obsessed with him. He does not get that much freedom outwith the home so spare time was spent with me . It sounds so petty and I thought I could cope with the part time thing- have fun only when together etc and we did.
I'm rambling. I'm just struggling right now. I feel that any good things he used to say to me about how important I was in his life have just been lies.
Fran

[Foreternity]

OM here. Sorry you feel this way, and I understand completely. I myself have come to realization, if we have a lot of time to deal with already, marriage, kids, bills, work, mortgage and time with friends. It's Extremely difficult for many to juggle a EMR as that's also another relationship in itself.

You will read and see here, I need some me time! Or you are making a more stressful scenario more stressful by fighting and arguing for more time or attention.

It's what we desire when in a "normal" relationship, so why wouldn't we desire it in a relationship in our eyes being the OM/OW? 

You both need to come to an understanding of what you are both looking for at least at the moment. If he also loves you he will be back that's almost for certain

We argue , during family functions BH is around and she just recently went on vacation with him and the kids.

Was an absolute dagger to my heart causing anger, frustration, insecurity, low self esteem, and just thought this is all a pile of shit.

I guess I'm stupid I'm still here, but I can say I've grown much colder and see the younger me again.

Selfish and cold. I've given less time as I'm given what's been given to me. If you love the person you'll always make Fing time. Even just a simple 10 second text, don't believe the shit their too busy just to say anything. I work an insane job and I'll always find time to express myself.

She's either too tired, too busy or maybe just full of S

Stay strong best wishes don't think it's the end. 

I've done 4 years also and went a week with NC and here I am... Tada

[Fran63]

Thanks so much for the reply, 
Was an absolute dagger to my heart causing anger, frustration, insecurity, low self esteem, and just thought this is all a pile of shit.
Was an absolute dagger to my heart causing anger, frustration, insecurity, low self esteem, and just thought this is all a pile of shit.

Your post and particularlly the  above that you wrote just so resonated with me. It's exactly how I feel at times and I wonder "why do I put myelf through the crap? "
Can I ask why we do it? Does anyone know?
 MM and I have a connection and when it's good it's fantastic - we have such a good laugh apart from anything else.
I wonder also ( for those who envy the partners of our loves)- is it better to know  about/ be the one in  the EMR or be the wife or husband in ignorance?
I'm so upset right  nnow  I can barely function properly. I have to go get milk and it's too much...........pathetic, really 

[Foreternity]

My saying that I read and posted was... I find it better being the man in the shadows knowing everything, than the man in the light who knows nothing.

Why do we do it? I think you are in love correct? Love makes us do things many wouldn't. We don't go into these relationships based off the past of their life or together as it's a new relationship. We also don't worry about the present as we decided to step foot into their life for more. 

We focus on the future and as we get invested in this relationship, we seek the ultimate goal. I quite frankly don't agree with many here on TS when I read they can love you but also love their life , kids money etc more

I find myself I love her , and I can't love most parts of my life without her. Yes I love being a father and I love waking up healthy everyday. But why can't I love doing both with her?

When we jump into an EMR, we have high expectations and we are full of butterflies asking, where have they been all our life? Now that we originally don't care they have a partner we take what we have without any plans usually.

Then as we invest more and fall head over heels, we want the ultimate goal, not their body or time, but everything including their heart. That we kick out own asses and be the best version of ourselves WE ever seen just to prove and show them your jump through fire for them

When that doesn't work instantly or over a period of time
 We look in the mirror and question our ability 

I hope that helps. I'm here to listen.

[Fran63]

My saying that I read and posted was... I find it better being the man in the shadows knowing everything, than the man in the light who knows nothing.

Why do we do it? I think you are in love correct? Love makes us do things many wouldn't. We don't go into these relationships based off the past of their life or together as it's a new relationship. We also don't worry about the present as we decided to step foot into their life for more. 

We focus on the future and as we get invested in this relationship, we seek the ultimate goal. I quite frankly don't agree with many here on TS when I read they can love you but also love their life , kids money etc more

I find myself I love her , and I can't love most parts of my life without her. Yes I love being a father and I love waking up healthy everyday. But why can't I love doing both with her?

When we jump into an EMR, we have high expectations and we are full of butterflies asking, where have they been all our life? Now that we originally don't care they have a partner we take what we have without any plans usually.

Then as we invest more and fall head over heels, we want the ultimate goal, not their body or time, but everything including their heart. That we kick out own asses and be the best version of ourselves WE ever seen just to prove and show them your jump through fire for them

When that doesn't work instantly or over a period of time
 We look in the mirror and question our ability 

I hope that helps. I'm here to listen.

[Fran63]

Yes, for sure better to be the man in the shadows knowing everything....
Sometimes I wish I could get in his head to know exactly what he's thinking. Am I unusual ?
And yes,I'm in love but it's an emotional see saw.
I tried online dating but it wasn't fair because no man was instantly him. I don't even know if that makes sense. Plus,I'd be all about drama and I already have enough in my life.

We spoke today . I messaged him first . He said he thought he was having a heart attack,he'd been so distressed ( but hiding it- we are all so good at putting on a face when we have to,right?).
He's now off abroad on family holiday and I'm thinking. Why did I start it up again? Met my self esteem (what little I have) on its way out the door.
Lights,camera,....resentment.
And supposing he called me a thousand times, I'd want a thousand and 1.
Thank you so much for your responses. I am here to listen too but I know I'm me me me right now.
How do you cope day to day? 
Any strategies to help ?

[Fran63]

My saying that I read and posted was... I find it better being the man in the shadows knowing everything, than the man in the light who knows nothing.

Why do we do it? I think you are in love correct? Love makes us do things many wouldn't. We don't go into these relationships based off the past of their life or together as it's a new relationship. We also don't worry about the present as we decided to step foot into their life for more. 

We focus on the future and as we get invested in this relationship, we seek the ultimate goal. I quite frankly don't agree with many here on TS when I read they can love you but also love their life , kids money etc more

I find myself I love her , and I can't love most parts of my life without her. Yes I love being a father and I love waking up healthy everyday. But why can't I love doing both with her?

When we jump into an EMR, we have high expectations and we are full of butterflies asking, where have they been all our life? Now that we originally don't care they have a partner we take what we have without any plans usually.

Then as we invest more and fall head over heels, we want the ultimate goal, not their body or time, but everything including their heart. That we kick out own asses and be the best version of ourselves WE ever seen just to prove and show them your jump through fire for them

When that doesn't work instantly or over a period of time
 We look in the mirror and question our ability 

I hope that helps. I'm here to listen.

[Fran63]

Sorry to hear you’ve found TS under such difficult times… going through a break up is hard! 

I’ve been where you are - repeated break ups were the worst. Like you, my MM called time and we didn’t speak for a year. During that time I healed, got my strength back and came to the realisation that no one, not one single person, should be the focus of all of your happiness. 

I promise you will not always feel this way xx

[Fran63]

Thank you so much for the reply. After a few days of distress I contacted him and we are speaking. He feels better too.
I wonder sometimes if I merely enhance his life so he copes better with his real life and that's when my resentment kicks in. 
Like the thought of me is every bit as good as seeing me when I would see him every available second we have .
From your post-does this mean you are seeing MM again ?
I am so encouraged to hear about healing and getting your strength back.
Sometimes it's an effort to do anything and other times like I'm unstoppable!

[Foreternity]

I personally stopped believing she had an illness or wasn't feeling well. Because for some magical reason, when we have plans to see eachother in the evening, most of the times she doesnt feel well. I used to get annoyed but hey maybe she was sick sure yeah. Now I just smile behind the screen

She had a family vacation a month ago, it killed me at first but then I thought to myself. People are going to do whatever they want whether we like it or not. But I'm done sitting here believing you don't love your BH , or it's just for the kids. 

This weekend as usual she's so busy as always so she says. We speak for like 30 seconds once ever 8-12 hours , it used to be seeing eachother almost everyday for at least 30 minutes and talking every 2-3 hours maximum. 

She has to be more secretive infront of BH because for sure doesn't want to lose him "or me also" 

She will have upcoming appointments for herself and the weekend will come, she will feel so much better to go for her appointments and also go out with friends and family for the weekend

So my suggestion is, don't always believe what your told. I found at least for myself! If I care and love you! I'll be there for you no matter what! Even if I'm barely holding on for my life

[Fran63]

I personally stopped believing she had an illness or wasn't feeling well. Because for some magical reason, when we have plans to see eachother in the evening, most of the times she doesnt feel well. I used to get annoyed but hey maybe she was sick sure yeah. Now I just smile behind the screen

She had a family vacation a month ago, it killed me at first but then I thought to myself. People are going to do whatever they want whether we like it or not. But I'm done sitting here believing you don't love your BH , or it's just for the kids. 

This weekend as usual she's so busy as always so she says. We speak for like 30 seconds once ever 8-12 hours , it used to be seeing eachother almost everyday for at least 30 minutes and talking every 2-3 hours maximum. 

She has to be more secretive infront of BH because for sure doesn't want to lose him "or me also" 

She will have upcoming appointments for herself and the weekend will come, she will feel so much better to go for her appointments and also go out with friends and family for the weekend

So my suggestion is, don't always believe what your told. I found at least for myself! If I care and love you! I'll be there for you no matter what! Even if I'm barely holding on for my life

[Fran63]

Foreternity,
  
You're right- people will do what they want whether we like it or not. Do we ever think, though- that we could  do the same?
I used to so envy his wife but I don't now and I don't envy him. I have choices ( if I could just drum up the confidence to make them) whilst his are very very limited.



He told me once ( I wouldn't want him to leave ) that his kids would disown him if he left and he would end up resenting me. Who wants that?
I also don't believe their holiday times etc are "all that".  I think we fill in the blanks and think what amazingly wonderful lives they have ( of course- that's why they seek something outwith)!!.
I get so eaten up with jealousy  and I have cried so much I'm surprised my eyes haven't fallen out   .
I long for the day I may wake up and think- I'm not doing this anymore!!!
More than that , though- are you ok?

[Foreternity]

Oh about me is another thread haha dont worry. That's maybe considered hi jacking.

I always laugh at some of the excuses they think of or assume. You are a child correct, wouldn't you want ur parents to be happy with or without eachother? My parents would kill eachother that's all I remember. My mother is happy at her age, my father? Haha a complete mess. He sucked as a dad. In the end it wasn't about child support money which he didn't pay, Im alive. 

My father was never there for plays, my first anything and I'd see him once every few years for 20 dollars. That's my memories

I didn't follow his steps I call my cubs everyday same time. Do homework even over the phone, and do all I can for them

We all make excuses because as I always say our biggest fears in life is the "unknown" we don't and will never know what's next. Death, relationship ending so on and so forth

I didn't want to live miserable and in love with someone else. I'll add I'm younger than 60 my kids were small AND I was the main provider.  It did take 2 years to end it as my ex wouldn't give up and didn't want our family to be "broken" but she got strength to leave and met someone else. 

I had a hard life this right here? I don't care as much as I used to I admit it. I threw the best version of me at MW and I get less every single day. Less and less, my choice and I've been enjoying my life mostly now without her.

Do I love her? 200% am I still here? Yes but my heart is colder than ever

Don't cry, your value is second to none. If I learned one thing from all this. I'd dream of that love you give to him returned to me by someone I loved as much as I do currently

He's much older and maybe change his mind spending the rest of his elder life complete

Hope it helps

[Fran63]

Oh about me is another thread haha dont worry. That's maybe considered hi jacking.

I always laugh at some of the excuses they think of or assume. You are a child correct, wouldn't you want ur parents to be happy with or without eachother? My parents would kill eachother that's all I remember. My mother is happy at her age, my father? Haha a complete mess. He sucked as a dad. In the end it wasn't about child support money which he didn't pay, Im alive. 

My father was never there for plays, my first anything and I'd see him once every few years for 20 dollars. That's my memories

I didn't follow his steps I call my cubs everyday same time. Do homework even over the phone, and do all I can for them

We all make excuses because as I always say our biggest fears in life is the "unknown" we don't and will never know what's next. Death, relationship ending so on and so forth

I didn't want to live miserable and in love with someone else. I'll add I'm younger than 60 my kids were small AND I was the main provider.  It did take 2 years to end it as my ex wouldn't give up and didn't want our family to be "broken" but she got strength to leave and met someone else. 

I had a hard life this right here? I don't care as much as I used to I admit it. I threw the best version of me at MW and I get less every single day. Less and less, my choice and I've been enjoying my life mostly now without her.

Do I love her? 200% am I still here? Yes but my heart is colder than ever

Don't cry, your value is second to none. If I learned one thing from all this. I'd dream of that love you give to him returned to me by someone I loved as much as I do currently

He's much older and maybe change his mind spending the rest of his elder life complete

Hope it helps

[Fran63]

Thanks so much for that and yes, it does help. I too , get less and less every day from MM.

 Except when I'm going out socially and I get texts right left and centre. I get the "love you" but then , today, I asked him what he was up to and his reply was "it's raining".  It sounds pathetic but that comes across to me as "none of your business" but he likes to know what I'm doing. So, I said " I'll leave you to it-- enjoy" ( they all on family holiday).
As you said in a previous post, something about a ten second text-  yes, that's all it takes to send a "thinking about you" etc.
 I have had a very complex history and at one point I was the MW and I did divorce ( many years ago  and before I met MM)
Wakes me up still, in the dark of night, the panic and regret.
I feel that I don't really deserve happiness so I reckon that's why I stay with him and torture myself. Cry everyday ( and I know I shouldn't)
Ps I'm glad it's raining on their foreign holiday ( it's sunny here ) 

[Foreternity]

Absolutely. I don't regret my separation, it was the best thing I ever did. Can finally be a father my way and enjoy self growth to the fullest, learning to live alone allowed me to appreciate others and being intimate is a lot better to. I feel free

MW is exactly the same, what you doing today? Basic foolish topics. But we both know her MM is all over her and every move she makes that's why she's never texting when he's home. Kudos to her for continuing her marriage for so long under these circumstances it takes a lot of work I felt

If I tell her I'm going out we are very rocky she's very bothered by it. She says it all the time, you are so handsome and very polite and talkative, women always get your attention. My response is always every person in this world is like a cardboard cutout just put into my world I don't care what so ever

I desire her and everything we do together. She didn't see it that way. It was honestly stressful having an EMR while with XBW as I hated hiding everything and my phone. So being free is a great feeling

I honestly can't juggle another woman now it's expensive and draining I don't want no part of it. We aren't intimate close to as we used to be, maybe once a week? I find that hard to believe she's ok with that for our age.

Me I'm not ok with it but I've learned to accept it and also believe she is being intimate with BH that's why I feel her drives low

[Fran63]

Foreternity,
You are so right with the things you say.
  When I was married my ex husband knew what was going on and let me say-- I would rather I had never been found out.
it was many years ago and I look back and still would have left just wish I hadn't had an  EMR . You know what- the man I met that rocked my world?
I finished things with him  ( before I left my marriage) and when I saw him in the street some time later I thought- "what were you thinking being with him in the first place?" I'm sure I destroyed my ex , my kids and God knows who else by divorcing . I am not proud and as I said- it wakes me in the middle of the night.

That's why MM was perfect-- have a relationship but not a "real" one ( but of course it is) and I'm not responsible for anything because he'd never leave , ever.
Then I wanted more  ( but not for him to leave because it would be shit)
I have more issues than Vogue.
Bad day here.
Tomorrow will be better.

[Foreternity]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Kids are resilient and don't think you hurt them by having an EMR. Guilt only exists if we feel we did things for the wrong reason. They say if you love someone you want them to be happy. Your kids an XBH love/loved you, you did what's best for you. I applaud that as it takes a lot to leave a relationship when we feel trapped and suffocated plus clearly unhappy. Don't ever feel you should be miserable for kids/money/mortgage. You need to be happy and at times it means being "selfish" or cold at times as people would title you.

I felt when we "love" young we cannot understand and grow the right way. As we juggle immaturity, behaviour and intimacy. I learned love at its finest after having kids and responsibilities. And learning to be away from someone you care about, it helped me heightened my sexual desires and appreciate the days without it that id long for that touch again

I'll be first on here to say, I was very neglectful to my family working and going to the gym. I thought just providing financially is good enough. There came moments I had to be a dad and I didn't know jack shit what to do and I'm not afraid to admit that. I was emotionally abusive at the end as I wanted my XBW to leave and stop holding on. She didn't deserve a family with a man sleeping on the couch and avoiding her. Losing time and affection is very painful from someone you love I see it now with MW it's brutal.

If I didn't meet MW, I wouldn't love walks with my kids. I wouldn't love cooking dinner with them or calling them. I didn't appreciate nothing I admit it

Today I live alone, completely. I work a lot to keep me busy and I do tons of online reading like this forum for example.
I separated young and was in a serious relationship right out of my teens, I look at it now as it was an experiment to get better and self growth and as a lover/father.

We have a family sometimes with people with assumed we loved. Love to me is eternal and the thought of losing that person either through death or them walking away, will burn your soul forever. When I sleep at night even not tired but when me and MW say goodnight, my heart honestly hurts inside. I never experienced that, I never cried besides my first born being born and begging to see my kids once

I'm as cold as it gets but I must say, life today doesn't mean I'm down and out. It means I'm better and holding on

Don't cry as it does get better the path set for you is what you make of it. Over the past week I learned returning the same behavior to MW as she does to me. Takes a toll on me and the relationship, it's not who I am. So I ask find yourself the true you and always be that person.

You'll sleep great at night
P.S I'm fairly young so I may not be as knowledgeable hahaha