new here, but i'm confused and upset

[leprechaun]

hey all, i'm happy to have found a supportive place to learn, share, and support folks who are going through a similar thing.

i'm a single guy in my mid-thirties. i have never done anything like this before. i'm in a doctoral program with the married woman i've been seeing. she lives with her husband and they have a two-year-old daughter. they were on-and-off for roughly 16 years, tied the knot about six years ago. she used to work, but she's been financially dependent on him since she started this very demanding program. when we met, she immediately started flirting with me. first it was subtle, then she was trying to be alone with me all the time: inviting me to the library after classes, asking me out for lunch or coffee, or trying (unsuccessfully) to get invited to my place. i rejected her advances for weeks because her being married scared the crap out of me and i hated the idea of breaking up a family. but we kept texting and meeting up in person and eventually i asked her where this was going and why she was pursuing me, and she said "to see if this is something real." i knew she was a package deal. i don't have kids, but i'd work hard to face the seen and unseen challenges i'd face. it's how i am. my mom had a child from a previous relationship when my parents met, and i learned from his successes and mistakes.

things got heavy with this woman very quickly, and i fell deeply in love. she said on numerous occasions that the feeling was mutual. at times, i would tell her that i was afraid that she would string me along forever. sometimes she would tell me that she doesn't intend to leave her husband and her baby despite her unhappiness with him, and other times she would say that eventually, when she can, she will. i was skeptical, but i stayed on the hook.

after six months of a very emotional and physical affair, her husband caught her texting me. he demanded that she call me and break things off, and that's what she did. that was three months ago. she convinced him that the affair was not physical (not true), she told him she would begin seeing a therapist (which did not last very long), and that she would not speak with me anymore (also very not true). he started reading her texts and tracking her location with her phone. we still see each other twice a week in classes, we sit next to each other and talk during and after classes, and she texts me when he's not around. she even came to my house a week ago and we had sex twice.

today i had a conversation with her that left me reeling. long story short, i asked her if she is still in love with her husband, and she said yes. i asked if she is still in love with me, and she said she is not sure. she said things are fine between her and her husband; she's not happy about everything in her relationship but she's happy enough and it seems it's been swept under the rug. i told her that it is okay if that is how she feels, and although it breaks my heart, if that is the case then she should not talk to me anymore for both of our sakes. i cautioned her that if she's not in love with me, then talking to me puts her marriage at even greater risk than DDay1 did (and for no good reason), and that her relationship with her child may eventually suffer too. she said she values me as a person, as a friend, and "obviously as much more than a friend," and that she doesn't want to lose me. she added that she is very attracted to me and feels drawn to me, all of which i found confusing. she ultimately told me that i don't get to decide what's best for her, but she doesn't want to continue hurting me selfishly and she doesn't know what the "right thing" to do is. i replied that she doesn't get to decide what's best for me either.

after that, i told her that if she wants to continue on with us, i want to be clear that i am pursuing exclusivity, but i'd like to hear from her a bit more often so that i don't spiral out and assume the worst. she wasn't exactly clear about whether she intends to talk more often. then we made out, passionately as ever, and she had to go home to relieve her nanny. i see her again one week from today. she's spending the holiday weekend vacationing with her husband, baby, and her friends.

honestly, i'm at a loss. she won't cut me off, but she's backed off the communication when she's at home. but still, when she's with me, she's all over me. it wasn't like that before. the way that she looks at me, i feel that she values me and desires me. i value myself too - but the pain that this situation brings is really making me wonder if i do.

thanks for reading.

[Foreternity]

You are a OM as am I. That's OTHER MAN , I assume you are single? I was once "MM" married man not legally. I "left" my family but not for MW. I left for myself and many other reasons

Your feelings are normal and if it's 6 months it's still very fresh. And to understand her child is very small at times MW would tell me it's selfish of me to expect her to "leave" yet. We also had a DDay and same thing communication has changed for protection to her family AND also our relationship. 

You need to remember as time together will strengthen your bond. And yes your self esteem will take blows as you feel you are at your best but still going home every time empty handed. 

My experience being in an EMR speaking for myself is, I seemed another person because my relationship was not good at home. I wanted more in many different ways, it's quite rare you often here everything is "good" at home but they have no answers for an EMR.

This relationship holds on by a thread most EMRs do, but it's up to you on how you let it unfold. One thing I learned through my 4 years and counting is, the person will choose the relationship with less stress and more positives. So if she's constantly going home and under a radar just for the sake of her marriage AND baby. How long do you think that will last? Does that sound fun to you? Or happily ever after?

Whatever you continue to do is what you seek. I'm still in my EMR as a single man basically for the sole reason of, she makes me a better man. And yes there is many days I'm down and out/alone but my life without her is much different and not as I desire. I think about her 24/7, she doesn't share the same bed with her BH , so she says. 

She claims they aren't intimate at all and don't take family photos. I used to believe all that, but I find it's better to assume he's there, everywhere doing everything I do/want to do, So I'm never disappointed.

She has 2 young children and has her reasons to stay I can't change that not today. Ill tell you I'm near the same age and have children of my own so yes I understand. I know if I let her go , sure I may love again. But I know in my heart it's unfair to who's next as I'm not ready AND only leaving this EMR because she won't be with me . Not because I don't love her anymore

She text less to avoid conflict and suspicion, so he doesn't follow her every move. Trust me I've been there I argued every single fing day with XBW, I didn't give a damn but for some who aren't necessarily prepared for what's next. It can be Extremely stressful

She just came back from vacation with her family and it caused river of emotions. I trust her less then I ever did, but it's my choice to stay.

If you continue to stay, be yourself. Dont force feelings that aren't true. If you want to just have her body say so, if you love her say so also and express yourself. If this bothers her then it's clear she doesn't care about your feelings and it's best to protect yourself.

Ask anything, I'll always respond. Hope I was helpful

[Gwen]

Emotions in EMRs are usually strong as we often resist, not wanting to be in a relationship without exclusivity. So when we can't help ourselves, it's because the love and attraction is so strong. I would venture to guess that your MW feels like you, both concerning the love and attraction as well as being confused and upset. It's difficult to handle a Dday as well. How long has your relationship been going on?

[leprechaun]

thanks for sharing your experiences, your feedback, and the warm welcome. i am single, yes. i have always been a long-term relationship guy and i was in a 2-year relationship that wasn't working out prior to falling for MW. my relationship with MW started shortly after two immediate family members of mine passed away, roughly nine months ago. dday was three months ago, and i've been getting mixed messages ever since. "i won't leave my husband, but the future is unwritten," "this has to stop but i don't want it to stop," etc.

foreternity, you're right - i don't see how their relationship could be working out with her still being under the radar for 3 months post-dday, but it doesn't matter how much stress there is in their relationship. it's what MW and BH are willing to tolerate in order to keep the marriage going that determines whether or not they stay together, miserable or happy. they travel together often and i've seen pictures of them together since dday. usually their baby is between them, she's leaning away from him, and her smile seems forced, but there are many many seconds in between these snapshots that i can't account for how they interact or feel. ultimately, whether or not they're happy doesn't actually determine the likelihood of our being together if she is comfortable with being "happy enough."

same as you, there's no doubt in my mind that they are intimate, but i remember her saying "god, i'm so not grossed out by you" one time while we were getting physical. initially, i took that as just a very oddly phrased compliment. later, i wondered if it was actually a comparison to her partner.

yesterday morning, i told her i was done and i asked her not to contact me anymore. i could see she was typing and erasing for ten minutes before she responded "okay, if that's what you need. i wish this wasn't so contentious. but that's okay" and sent a heart emoji. i did it because she said she had intentionally backed off from me in order to swing her affection back towards her husband. and because she said she is in love with him, and unsure if she is in love with me. if the love is unreciprocated, i can't justify the damage i'm enabling her to cause her family and my role in it.

Gwen, i do believe that she is confused and upset, and your post resonated with me. but i feel i have to detach if she is intentionally pushing me away, unsure of how she feels about me, and is unwilling to make much effort towards helping me feel more loved in this relationship. it is not what i want to do, but i feel it's the best decision for all parties involved. i anticipate that in a few weeks, months, or years, their relationship will return to the status quo after the hysterical bonding phase ends. maybe it's even a pattern for them. we have class together next week and cannot avoid seeing each other for another couple years, so i don't know how this will turn out in the long-term. but it's a terrible burden to feel like i have so much love i want to give her and i have no where to put it.

[Foreternity]

My brother don't feel so sure with what you say. Only thing you can be certain on is , she said she loves him. That's an unerasble feeling 100% and yes my MW once said she views BH as a protector or a brother not a lover.

I do know some people have sex in a relationship to keep stable grounds. Men need sex to feel loved and women need love usually to have sex , desirable sex at that.

You have every right to be afraid and also want more in a relationship, mark my words though. MW once left me for 3 weeks and we got back together like we never skipped a beat.

Bro I've taken 2 pictures with XBW in 2 years I dreaded it, I smiled for my kids sake I hated it with a passion. I felt guilty to my kids for that feeling and MW as I did something I didn't want to but just did it for my kids. 

I'm sorry and I understand everything your dealing with MW just came back from vacation with family herself. But I know in the end she loves my touch, and everything we share. Whatever you desire you can have, I do know holding on will prolong the relationship, extend feelings and even strengthen them. 

But stand your ground for everything you believe in and want brother. Trust me we live once live to the fullest 

Keep in touch, welcome. We look forward to sharing experiences and aiding you. In hopes you also bring the same for future members 

Much love bro

[Harlow]

Hi and Leprechaun!

After reading your posts, I am reminded of the phrase “seduced and abandoned”. I first heard it used in a documentary by Alec Baldwin, when discussing how actors are treated in Hollywood. I also feel that many of us in EMRs our approached and seduced only to learn that their marriages were not that bad after all and in fact, they still love their spouses, but somehow need us as well. I remember resisting Gable’s advances for a year and a half before I finally succumbed to them. And when I knew I was in love, and began questioning how he felt about his wife, I felt dumbfounded that he had spent so much time pursuing me only to learn that his marriage wasn’t so bad after all. It sounds like this is where you are at.

I had broken it off with Gable many times and found myself in your current position. Just wondering if my distance would help me get over him and help him realize how valuable his marriage was to him. All it did was bring us back together with much stronger feelings. To this day he says it was never meant to be this strong or last this long but here we are 18 years later.

My other concern for you is how you are going to complete this program and face each other during your Oral Defense of your Dissertation with her there in the room. It’s an incredibly nerve-racking time and it will be even more so for you with her there. I hope that you two can find a way to be in the same room without being uncomfortable these next two years. I’m also in a doctoral program and know that this would be hard on me. Your focus on your oral defense needs to be crystal clear and without distraction of any kind.

If you do get back together, and it sounds like the love between you both is so strong that you will, I hope you find successful ways of proving to BH that it’s over because otherwise I see this cohort you’re in at school and your graduation ceremony at terrible risk. Have you been texting via regular cell phones or are you using an encrypted app like WhatsApp?

I do think she was comparing you to her H in bed. She likely loves him but isn’t in love with him, and when that happens it’s hard to not feel gross by sex with a partner. Once I was in love with Gable and no longer in love with my H I felt repulsed by the thought of having sex with him which pushed me onto the divorce track sooner than I had planned. Your MW may feel it’s too soon to divorce due to her child and the financial support she has with BH. Could you support her now if she left? She may need reassurances on that, not that that’s fair but it is practical. She’s in school and has a baby to feed.

I don’t think your love story is over, Lep. You’ve got two years left together in school and you’re both so drawn to each other. You won’t be able to resist it.

Hang in there.

[Foreternity]

Wow Harlow 18 years? Amazing 

Nice to read you felt disgusted about those thoughts or ideas. It's amazing what the heart makes us feel, all those years with someone else and boom in the blink of an eye we see what we have been missing. 

You are one of the few I've read here leaving XBH/BH, so there's hope I guess.

Hope all is well 

Leprechaun hopefully you figure out what your looking for from her and also outside of your EMR. It's stressful at times

[Harlow]

Wow Harlow 18 years? Amazing 

Nice to read you felt disgusted about those thoughts or ideas. It's amazing what the heart makes us feel, all those years with someone else and boom in the blink of an eye we see what we have been missing. 

You are one of the few I've read here leaving XBH/BH, so there's hope I guess.

Hope all is well 

Leprechaun hopefully you figure out what your looking for from her and also outside of your EMR. It's stressful at times

FE, there are many of us who have divorced and gone on to have satisfying relationships with our EMR partners, but we just don’t seem to talk about it very much for some reason. I can think of one person right now who left one EMR partner, and sometime later, ended up with another one. Not all relationships work out, not even marriages.

I hope you are well too.

[leprechaun]

she said she is IN love with him, which is what breaks me. i can tolerate her loving BH, but being in love with him feels insurmountably painful to me. i hate feeling like i have to compete with BH or minimize my feelings towards her, whether it's frustration or love.

she would always tell stories about places she's traveled and things she'd done with her child, omitting the fact that she did those things with BH. it bums me out that she hides half of her life from me, though i know she's doing the same with him about me. maybe it's naive, but it's hard to feel like i really know her if she's omitting so much. i want to know her, but she must feel like she's protecting me by hiding so much.

Harlow, thank you for sharing. your story, concerns, and insights comfort me. i can tell you that this has really had an impact on my functioning in the program. she seems to be doing just fine in school despite how stressful this all has been. dissertation time is a long ways off and i'm doing okay enough in my classes but the quality of my work has noticeably declined. only one other person in our cohort knows about us, and she is a good and trustworthy friend. as for graduation, idk. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but i don't think that my relationship with MW is sustainable as it is. she's been treating me really poorly lately and i don't deserve it. we had been texting via iMessage, then after dday we switched to WhatsApp.

i was hoping that it was a "love but not in love" situation, which is why i asked her. i am still shocked and heartbroken by her answer. i definitely could not support her now if she left. i could provide basic needs, but her lifestyle would change dramatically. that said, i work very hard in my program and at my part-time job and typically only have one day off per week. my job is altruistic (and very stressful) in nature and doesn't pay much, but it covers my tuition. MW and BH's parents are rich, BH makes plenty of money, and they do not have a prenup. she would land on her feet if she wanted to. after graduation, i'll make good money, i'm sure you know how it is. 

idk. in the beginning, she'd call me her boyfriend and she was spending so much time with me. then she cut back almost immediately because she felt she needed to spend more time with her toddler. i understood, obviously - i'm not trying to mess that up. BH started calling her more while she was out late, she started getting less consistent with how often we could hang out, and i started getting more frustrated. she would tell me to just "be happy with what i can offer." this led to a couple of big fights between us because i felt like i was waiting for a train that wasn't coming, then dday happened. i kept asking her to talk with me after classes and i'd ask her questions to get a sense of what this was or where it was going. she'd say she's going to work on her marriage, but she won't stop loving me or wanting to be around me. then we'd make out. she's broken up with me like over a dozen times by now, and after every time she does, we passionately make out. at one point she said, "just because we had sex last week doesn't mean i'm your girlfriend," which gutted me. the last time she texted me out of nowhere was about a week ago, and it was mostly sexting. at this point i'm starting to feel like a piece of meat, and as a guy, i almost feel a bit insane for saying it.

[leprechaun]

sorry, i think i was just venting towards the end there. but there are underlying questions for me. is this par for the course in an EMR? am i being a psycho here? have you guys gone through similar situations and recovered? i feel like i'm going nuts over here - bouncing from pissed to hopeful at a dizzying pace. i want there to be a happy ending but i'm feeling so deflated lately. it doesn't help that they're on vaca right now. 

[JustHer]

Hi there and welcome.

The bouncing back and forwards is completely normal, feeling like a rubber band being pulled in all directions. 

Her trying to protect you by telling you only half the story is normal as well.  My exMM did the same and I did it to him, I would talk about the kids but not BH.   Then we realised it didn’t help, they are in our lives they are a part of our lives.   
Clear open and sometimes brutally honest communication is needed. 

Don’t worry about venting we all do it, this is a safe place.   It’s better to get it out.

[Foreternity]

Very normal. And from my experience MW doesn't talk about BH, but very defensive if I do. Which tells me there's some sort of connection there. I never defended XBW as she was also pretty poisonous to my health so I didn't have anything positive to say.

Back and forth is normal as it's still a fresh relationship and you're trying to find a direction you feel best in. Think back to how it all started and let that start as a template for you. Don't expect more nor less, the balls in her court if she doesn't make changes towards you so be it. But don't invest yourself fully and expect all these things, you will hurt yourself badly.

As am I a wounded duck, I invested every single part of me. To only be disappointed, which is why I say and not everybody says this. But for me if I love you , I'll do anything for you. But not everyone is the same and many will say there is different types of love

I do hope the days get better and you feel better not just in your heart, but also your mind.

[Harlow]

she said she is IN love with him, which is what breaks me. i can tolerate her loving BH, but being in love with him feels insurmountably painful to me. i hate feeling like i have to compete with BH or minimize my feelings towards her, whether it's frustration or love.

she would always tell stories about places she's traveled and things she'd done with her child, omitting the fact that she did those things with BH. it bums me out that she hides half of her life from me, though i know she's doing the same with him about me. maybe it's naive, but it's hard to feel like i really know her if she's omitting so much. i want to know her, but she must feel like she's protecting me by hiding so much.

Harlow, thank you for sharing. your story, concerns, and insights comfort me. i can tell you that this has really had an impact on my functioning in the program. she seems to be doing just fine in school despite how stressful this all has been. dissertation time is a long ways off and i'm doing okay enough in my classes but the quality of my work has noticeably declined. only one other person in our cohort knows about us, and she is a good and trustworthy friend. as for graduation, idk. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but i don't think that my relationship with MW is sustainable as it is. she's been treating me really poorly lately and i don't deserve it. we had been texting via iMessage, then after dday we switched to WhatsApp.

i was hoping that it was a "love but not in love" situation, which is why i asked her. i am still shocked and heartbroken by her answer. i definitely could not support her now if she left. i could provide basic needs, but her lifestyle would change dramatically. that said, i work very hard in my program and at my part-time job and typically only have one day off per week. my job is altruistic (and very stressful) in nature and doesn't pay much, but it covers my tuition. MW and BH's parents are rich, BH makes plenty of money, and they do not have a prenup. she would land on her feet if she wanted to. after graduation, i'll make good money, i'm sure you know how it is. 

idk. in the beginning, she'd call me her boyfriend and she was spending so much time with me. then she cut back almost immediately because she felt she needed to spend more time with her toddler. i understood, obviously - i'm not trying to mess that up. BH started calling her more while she was out late, she started getting less consistent with how often we could hang out, and i started getting more frustrated. she would tell me to just "be happy with what i can offer." this led to a couple of big fights between us because i felt like i was waiting for a train that wasn't coming, then dday happened. i kept asking her to talk with me after classes and i'd ask her questions to get a sense of what this was or where it was going. she'd say she's going to work on her marriage, but she won't stop loving me or wanting to be around me. then we'd make out. she's broken up with me like over a dozen times by now, and after every time she does, we passionately make out. at one point she said, "just because we had sex last week doesn't mean i'm your girlfriend," which gutted me. the last time she texted me out of nowhere was about a week ago, and it was mostly sexting. at this point i'm starting to feel like a piece of meat, and as a guy, i almost feel a bit insane for saying it.

I hate that she clarified that she’s “in love” with him. It’s cruel even if true, especially considering she was the one to lure you in. You’d think she’d be kinder to someone who succumbed to her advances.

sorry, i think i was just venting towards the end there. but there are underlying questions for me. is this par for the course in an EMR? am i being a psycho here? have you guys gone through similar situations and recovered? i feel like i'm going nuts over here - bouncing from pissed to hopeful at a dizzying pace. i want there to be a happy ending but i'm feeling so deflated lately. it doesn't help that they're on vaca right now. 

The back and forth part is normal for EMRs because I think the MP tries to respect the M but the heart wants what the heart wants. And the OP wants self preservation but wants what they want as well. It could go on this way for years. Gable and I sort of leveled out at around the five year point when I decided he needed to stop talking about leaving his M. I knew he couldn’t do it, and once he stopped dreaming of a future with me we began a really lovely EMR journey where the R itself was its own reward.

It’s early days yet so I don’t really have enough facts about your MW but I’m leaning on the side that she’s a bit self absorbed. I wish she’d be a little more gentle with your caring heart.

[JustHer]

Telling you she is in love with her BH, is pretty harsh.   I have a comfort love with my BH, but am definitely no longer in love with him, I’m not sure I could pursue someone else as you MW dud whilst supposedly still being in love with her BH, that’s kinda out there. 

ExMM also had a comfort love with his STBXW, through work even though LD he and I really clicked, the same way you two did, I’m wondering if she is saying things to make it easier for you to leave??

[leprechaun]

that's a good point JustHer. i don't know if she was just trying to make it easier for me to leave. she was a bit mousy when answering, i couldn't tell if it was because she knew it would hurt me or because she wasn't sure. she did seem shocked when i asked her not to contact me. at various points throughout the EMR, i really believed she wanted more from me. MW would invite me to her house while BH was away and ask me to come and meet their child. after dday, she's said that she wants to bring her baby to school one day so i can meet her. i never went inside her house though. for one, it was loaded with cameras. and two, i was worried i'd get more attached by meeting her kid and i was getting mixed signals about where it all was going. i want to be more attached, obviously, but not if it's just going to lead to disappointment.

[Harlow]

Leprechaun, your hesitation is completely understandable.

[Sandrine]

Hello Lep ***.

I've been away a couple of weeks (family stuff, daughter graduation) and just trying to catch up on TS.  I've been in a five year EMR long distance with a MM who for some time presented himself as separated when he was not.  Then to keep the relationship going with me, continued to fuel the idea that he was leaving his marriage.  It's a hard road to manage an EMR, especially when it isn't just about physical passion, there is an intense emotional and mental connection as well.  That's what I've found with everyone here---- the connections are not purely physical.  

My question to you would be, what is it ultimately that you want?  Your goals for yourself (in love) need to be objective and take her out of the equation, ignoring your feelings for her.  You are in 30s, what would you wish for yourself?  To marry? Do you want children? Where do you want to live, what do you think your career will look like after your doctorate?   When you have sorted out what you desire---not just now, but anticipating what you want for the future---that will inform how to proceed with this confusing relationship.   Your decisions have to be rrespective of what she might or might not do.   I hope this helps. 

Said from a MW in a five yr EMR with a MM, who is long distance, and I cut it off several months ago but just saw him again.
I obviously don't take my own advice...

Edited by Mod Team

[leprechaun]

hey Sandrine,
thanks for the reply. congrats to you and your daughter on the graduation. both of you have worked hard to make that happen. managing an EMR is SUCH a hard road; i had no idea what i was getting into. moving past your MM's talk of being separated and intending to leave his marriage must have been very challenging. it takes a resilient person and a resilient love to withstand that kind of thing. for a while, i was feeling foolish for assuming that my MW's marriage and her feelings towards BH were on a downward trend. i felt deceived that she'd omitted those details. but once the anger and heartbreak mellowed, i actually feel closer to her now because i understand and i'm happy she was honest with me. i'd rather her trust that i will still love her even when the truth is painful than feel like she needs to hide things. i'm looking forward to telling her that on monday when i see her next.

good question! i wish i had a good answer. i want a long-term partner. i don't really aspire to marry or have children, nor do i think those things are not for me. i expect marriage and children will follow me finding a long-term partner. i'm cautious of pursuing a relationship with an end goal in mind because settling for a convenient/good-enough relationship instead of a passionate one is a bit of a habit of mine. i don't want a good-enough life, i want a passionate one. i do know what my career will look like, and i can live pretty much anywhere. i'm just stuck in one place with not-a-lot of income til i graduate.

as an update, we saw each other yesterday. i tried no contact in person. she was visibly angry and upset, and after we left campus she began texting me. after a couple hours of arguing, working things out, and sharing perspectives, we came to a better understanding i think? she said she still intends to try to take a step back from our relationship, but doesn't think it makes sense to act like we don't love each other when we're together. i reminded her that if we continue to interact, it'll continue to be an EMR, and that we've already tried the "stepping back" thing. "stepping back" don't work with us. she didn't seem to mind. then she had to go, but left me with a "just because we're not texting doesn't mean i'm not thinking of you." melts my little heart.

i guess i'm back on the roller coaster. i'm looking forward to getting to know you all better and hear more about your stories. i've been reading through old threads quite a bit. y'all are wonderful, and thanks again for being here.

[Sandrine]

Lep,

It's good to have you and ForEternity here.  It's nice to see that men in EMRs also are affected by the rollercoaster and push-pull nature of these relationships, and are able to talk about it.  It's easy to think that women are more deeply emotionally affected, and men are more adept at compartmentalizing these relationships.... when that is not true at all. 

I share your feelings about passionate relationships being important.  If I can share some advice, the key passionate relationship you desire has the best chance of LT success with a person you also have many things in common with.   In the beginning I was crazy passionate with my husband,  and we married 11 months after we'd met.  But over time, due to our very different world views, the exotic "differences" became polarizing rather than complementary. 
 
I'd be interested in others weighing in on what makes for a successful LT relationship.  My MM represents to me "the guy I should have married"....alike in world views, ethics, cultural similarities, we can laugh, talk for hours, we are relaxed together. We also share intense heat.  However who knows how that would sustain over a LTR.  I don't know, as I've seen so many long marriages devolve into roommate situations.

[leprechaun]

i'm happy to be here!  i've never been much of a compartmentalizer. research says that most people are horrible at multi-tasking, but believe they're very good at it. so i'd be willing to bet that most folks (men included) struggle with truly compartmentalizing EMRs, at least in their minds. men are definitely conditioned by culture to feel and talk less of their feelings, but i find that repressed feelings always come out someday or somehow through behavior. could be a passive aggressive demeanor, could be a smoking or drinking habit, thrill-seeking behaviors, who knows? i think the other consequence of repressing feelings for men is that it can be challenging for us to identify and communicate our needs or effectively validate the needs of others. but love and excitement are difficult to bury. if your AP keeps coming back, especially after a DDay, it's probably because those feelings are too difficult to repress. for an OM or an MM, continuing to show up despite the push-pull rollercoaster nature of EMRs may be their way of communicating their care for you, despite lacking the language to say out loud what would be comforting. i hope that makes sense.

in terms of a successful LTR, i agree with you. i feel there's a sweet spot for most things. different, but not too different. communicative, but still a bit mysterious. predictable, but not boring. it can really be a balancing act.