Hello

[Sarah]

Hello everyone,

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but here it goes.
I know this sounds bad but please be kind.
 
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years now. We were together for two years, got engaged last year. Things are great between us.
 
Anyway, there’s this guy, John (not is real name) who I use to have a massive crush on. He was basically the guy that every girl wanted when I was growing up. I wasn’t exactly one of the popular girls (shy, bit big, etc). He probably never knew I existed, but I was basically obsessed with him.
 
I am currently back to my hometown for a few of weeks taking care of a few things. My fiancé couldn’t come because he had to work. At the weekend I went out with my friends. We were in a bar when I spotted John. He’s still gorgeous. As soon as I saw him my heart started pounding.
 
There was some flirty eye contact for a while. Eventually I went to the bar. He approached me and we started chatting. It was only for a few minutes, and nothing happened but I did give him my number before I went back to my friends. I know I shouldn’t have done that but I had already had quite a bit to drink at this point.

I will admit I was curious to see if he would call me. This guy that never even knew I existed suddenly showing an interest in me. It was fun to think about. It was exciting.

Anyway, it happened. I have received a message from him asking if I want to meet up. I’ve gone from being a little excited into full blown panic. I’m not sure what to do. I know its stupid and I should just delete the message but every time I try I hear a voice in the back of my mind telling me not to. That I’ll regret it.

I have never done anything like this before but I cant stop thinking about it.
 
I know that what I’m saying is bad but this is THE GUY. Someone I was crazy about for so long but never got to have. Now I think I can.
I don’t want to have a relationship with John. I just want to know what I missed out on for all those years. I don’t want to risk what I have but a part of me also thinks this was meant to happen.
 
Am I the worst person in the world for considering this?
 
I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post was. I guess I wanted to lay everything out. Hopefully get some advice.

[Sandy]

You're not the worst person for considering it!

Assuming you have a traditional hetereonormative relationship with your fiancé...

However, the question becomes about consequences... if this is going to be just a one-time thing, a one-night stand, will you be okay with it? Or will you have a burning desire to confess to your fiancé? Or will you live happily ever after having gone through this experience and never rock your relationship with it again?

What is John is really bad at sex? Let's say if he's been so good looking that he doesn't have to try... will you be disappointed and then want to confess because you feel icky after that experience with John?

What is John is really amazing at sex? Will that then make your fiancé's sex feel like bad sex, forever tainted by John's incredible ability? And will that break the desire you have in the relationship with your fiancé?

And if your relationship is open and you can talk to your fiancé about these things, I would recommend you do -- explain "The Guy" is still as good looking as he was and maybe you are now interesting to him... what would your fiancé advise?

Even if you're not in an open relationship, here are some other thoughts:

- Being attracted to other people outside your primary relationship is super normal
- Not the desire, but the action is what gets you in trouble -- you can fantasize, but when you act on the fantasy, it turns into something else
- Are you truly happy with your fiancé?
- What hold does John have over you?
- Is it that he is validating your womanhood by flirting with you?
- Is it vindication for your high school years?
- Do you need to have sex with him or can you just marinate on the idea that he flirted with you and found you attractive?

Hope this helps .

[cenedra]

The thing is if you play out the fantasy, you have got The guy. The guy that you wanted throughout your high school years and couldnt have is now asking you out. He is a guy of course you can end up in bed with him now if you want. You can have sex. However was the fantasy ever the sex? I think the fantasy was most likely that the hottest guy in school chose you, well he has, he has chosen you and now wants to sleep with you. You can mark that box as checked!

As for wanting to sleep with him of course it doesnt make you a bad person, and its a pity you didnt get to sleep with him before you met your fiance. Couple of things, if you end up meeting with him and having sex, then even before your marriage starts, you will be entering into it knowing that there is a secret there that if your fiance knew could chose not to marry you. Marriage is tough from what i hear, it takes a lot to make a marriage work even for the happiest of couple. So having this hanging over you might not be the best start.

Secondly and take it from many people here, you enter these things thinking it will only be once, but it very rarely stops there. It tends to continue and then you put a lot more at risk

If you could, i would chalk this down to i got "the guy" , "the guy" fancies me and wants to meet with me. Yes you didnt get to have the sex bit but he could be completely crap in bed anyway. Make up the rest of the fantasy in your head and have some fun fantasising about it. Is what i would do.

[Sarah]

You're not the worst person for considering it!

Assuming you have a traditional hetereonormative relationship with your fiancé...

However, the question becomes about consequences... if this is going to be just a one-time thing, a one-night stand, will you be okay with it? Or will you have a burning desire to confess to your fiancé? Or will you live happily ever after having gone through this experience and never rock your relationship with it again?

What is John is really bad at sex? Let's say if he's been so good looking that he doesn't have to try... will you be disappointed and then want to confess because you feel icky after that experience with John?

What is John is really amazing at sex? Will that then make your fiancé's sex feel like bad sex, forever tainted by John's incredible ability? And will that break the desire you have in the relationship with your fiancé?

And if your relationship is open and you can talk to your fiancé about these things, I would recommend you do -- explain "The Guy" is still as good looking as he was and maybe you are now interesting to him... what would your fiancé advise?

Even if you're not in an open relationship, here are some other thoughts:

- Being attracted to other people outside your primary relationship is super normal
- Not the desire, but the action is what gets you in trouble -- you can fantasize, but when you act on the fantasy, it turns into something else
- Are you truly happy with your fiancé?
- What hold does John have over you?
- Is it that he is validating your womanhood by flirting with you?
- Is it vindication for your high school years?
- Do you need to have sex with him or can you just marinate on the idea that he flirted with you and found you attractive?

Hope this helps .

The thing is if you play out the fantasy, you have got The guy. The guy that you wanted throughout your high school years and couldnt have is now asking you out. He is a guy of course you can end up in bed with him now if you want. You can have sex. However was the fantasy ever the sex? I think the fantasy was most likely that the hottest guy in school chose you, well he has, he has chosen you and now wants to sleep with you. You can mark that box as checked!

As for wanting to sleep with him of course it doesnt make you a bad person, and its a pity you didnt get to sleep with him before you met your fiance. Couple of things, if you end up meeting with him and having sex, then even before your marriage starts, you will be entering into it knowing that there is a secret there that if your fiance knew could chose not to marry you. Marriage is tough from what i hear, it takes a lot to make a marriage work even for the happiest of couple. So having this hanging over you might not be the best start.

Secondly and take it from many people here, you enter these things thinking it will only be once, but it very rarely stops there. It tends to continue and then you put a lot more at risk

If you could, i would chalk this down to i got "the guy" , "the guy" fancies me and wants to meet with me. Yes you didnt get to have the sex bit but he could be completely crap in bed anyway. Make up the rest of the fantasy in your head and have some fun fantasising about it. Is what i would do.

Thank you for the kind replies. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.
 
I am very happy with my fiancé.

No. We don’t have an open relationship and yes I would be so hurt if it was the other way around. I really don’t want to ruin everything by having an affair with John. I don’t even know how that would be possible since we live so far apart.

I don’t know what it is about John. Is he validating my womanhood, vindication for my high school years? Again, I don’t know. Possibly. I don’t think its any one thing.
Like I said in my post he is gorgeous. He just has that energy. Every girl wanted him and I was crazy about him. If you had asked my younger self she would have said she was in love with him. Now I’m older I know that was silly but still.
 
I don’t think its just about sex. I just want to have that fantasy come true of spending time with him. I have asked myself the what if he’s great in bed vs crap in bed question. Honestly, I don’t think I have an answer to that. I don’t know if it would matter.
 
I understand what you are saying and of course I don’t want this hanging over my head. I am terrified about what if I go through with it and then regret it. Having to live with the guilt would be a nightmare.

But I’m also terrified that what if the way I’m now feeling doesn’t fade? What if I get married resenting that fact that I passed on the one opportunity I had to have my biggest fantasy come true? 
Is it better to do this now, before getting married? Does it make a difference?
 
I keep telling myself that maybe this was meant to happen. I haven’t seen him in years. What are the odds that I would run into him the one time that I was home both long enough to act on it and free to act on it?

[cenedra]

Thank you for the kind replies. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.
 
I am very happy with my fiancé.

No. We don’t have an open relationship and yes I would be so hurt if it was the other way around. I really don’t want to ruin everything by having an affair with John. I don’t even know how that would be possible since we live so far apart.

I don’t know what it is about John. Is he validating my womanhood, vindication for my high school years? Again, I don’t know. Possibly. I don’t think its any one thing.
Like I said in my post he is gorgeous. He just has that energy. Every girl wanted him and I was crazy about him. If you had asked my younger self she would have said she was in love with him. Now I’m older I know that was silly but still.
 
I don’t think its just about sex. I just want to have that fantasy come true of spending time with him. I have asked myself the what if he’s great in bed vs crap in bed question. Honestly, I don’t think I have an answer to that. I don’t know if it would matter.
 
I understand what you are saying and of course I don’t want this hanging over my head. I am terrified about what if I go through with it and then regret it. Having to live with the guilt would be a nightmare.

But I’m also terrified that what if the way I’m now feeling doesn’t fade? What if I get married resenting that fact that I passed on the one opportunity I had to have my biggest fantasy come true? 
Is it better to do this now, before getting married? Does it make a difference?
 
I keep telling myself that maybe this was meant to happen. I haven’t seen him in years. What are the odds that I would run into him the one time that I was home both long enough to act on it and free to act on it?

Fate and destiny I'm not a big believer in. But running into someone in the same place where you both grew up isn't that much of a stretch of destiny. I mean you both have reasons to be there so its not out of the realm of possibility that he would be there the same time as you. Its not like you both bumped into each other climbing mount everest at the same time.

It seems to me that part of you has already decided to do this. With the whole will you regret this if you don't etc . So I will say no it doesn't make you a terrible person at all.. very far from it

There are some things I think you need to consider if you go down this route with the guy. It seems like your idea would be to have this fling or one night stand with him and then go back and carry on with your fiance and that would be the desired outcome?

So in terms of this there are the practical logistics of making sure your fiance doesn't find out and make sure that happens

However consider yourself as a person. Will you be ok if you go spend the night with this guy, have amazing sex and then come back home the next night and lie in bed with your fiance. Will you be able to handle that? Notning wrong with if it if you are but it is just thinking that true and making sure that you won't feel so guilty and need to confess and therefore your relationship is ruined

Secondly and tnis is important. I personally am someone where sex equals feelings..I find it very hard to just have sex and not get somewhat emotionally involved with the person ..especially if the sex is good and the bond is there. So are you someone that can dissociate both sex and feelings? That you can have sex with someone and then pretty much cut them from your life and never see them again. Because unless you want this to become an affair, where its more than once and you go down that road . You need to make sure that mentally you can do that. Plenty of people do this can have one night stands and leave it at that but just make sure this is you too

There is also the fact you could meet this guy for a drink and realise actually you don't want to take it any further. But I think its important you think about both of the above before you do .

[Becky123]

I don’t think its just about sex. I just want to have that fantasy come true of spending time with him. I have asked myself the what if he’s great in bed vs crap in bed question. Honestly, I don’t think I have an answer to that. I don’t know if it would matter.
 
What if I get married resenting that fact that I passed on the one opportunity I had to have my biggest fantasy come true? 
Is it better to do this now, before getting married? Does it make a difference?
 

If its not just about the sex then maybe you could treat it more like a date. Don’t make any commitments either way.

Go somewhere you can talk and get to know one another. Reality very often doesn’t live up to fantasy. If the sparks aren’t there then you can just think of it as meeting up with an old friend. You can then go back to your fiancé knowing that part of your life is resolved.

If the sparks are there then just see when it goes. If you do end up having sex then think of it as one last fling before you get married. That one big fantasy you always had finally being fulfilled.
 
Does this guy know you are engaged?

[Sarah]

Fate and destiny I'm not a big believer in.  But running into someone in the same place where you both grew up isn't that much of a stretch of destiny.  I mean you both have reasons to be there so its not out of the realm of possibility that he would be there the same time as you.  Its not like you both bumped into each other climbing mount everest at the same time. 

It seems to me that part of you has already decided to do this.  With the whole will you regret this if you don't etc . So I will say no it doesn't make you a terrible person at all.. very far from it

There are some things I think you need to consider if you go down this route with the guy.  It seems like your idea would be to have this fling or one night stand with him and then go back and carry on with your fiance and that would be the desired outcome?

So in terms of this there are the practical logistics of making sure your fiance doesn't find out and make sure that happens

However consider yourself as a person.  Will you be ok if you go spend the night with this guy,  have amazing sex and then come back home the next night and lie in bed with your fiance.  Will you be able to handle that? Notning wrong with if it if you are but it is just thinking that true and making sure that you won't feel so guilty and need to confess and therefore your relationship is ruined

Secondly and tnis is important.  I personally am someone where sex equals feelings..I find it very hard to just have sex and not get somewhat emotionally involved with the person ..especially if the sex is good and the bond is there.  So are you someone that can dissociate both sex and feelings? That you can have sex with someone and then pretty much cut them from your life and never see them again.  Because unless you want this to become an affair,  where its more than once and you go down that road . You need to make sure that mentally you can do that.  Plenty of people do this can have one night stands and leave it at that but just make sure this is you too

There is also the fact you could meet this guy for a drink and realise actually you don't want to take it any further.  But I think its important you think about both of the above before you do .

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
 
I don’t know if I would be able to dissociate sex from my feelings. I’ve only ever slept with people I’ve been in a relationship with so feelings were always a given. If it was to happen though, I definitely wouldn’t want a long term affair or even see how it would possible given how far away I live from my home town. A one night stand or short fling is really the only way I can see it ending.

I don’t think I would feel the need confess everything. I’m pretty terrified of my fiancé finding out so if I did feel regret then I think it would be more a case of having to live with it.
 
I do like the thought that I could just go and realise I may not want to go all the way. In a lot of ways that would be the perfect outcome.

[Sarah]

If its not just about the sex then maybe you could treat it more like a date. Don’t make any commitments either way.

Go somewhere you can talk and get to know one another. Reality very often doesn’t live up to fantasy. If the sparks aren’t there then you can just think of it as meeting up with an old friend. You can then go back to your fiancé knowing that part of your life is resolved.

If the sparks are there then just see when it goes. If you do end up having sex then think of it as one last fling before you get married. That one big fantasy you always had finally being fulfilled.
 
Does this guy know you are engaged?

I’m not sure if he knows Im engaged. I was wearing my ring but he may not have seen it.
 
I do like the idea of thinking of it as just a casual meetup with someone from my school days. It does take a lot of the pressure off.

[Sandrine]

I’m not sure if he knows Im engaged. I was wearing my ring but he may not have seen it.
 
I do like the idea of thinking of it as just a casual meetup with someone from my school days. It does take a lot of the pressure off.

Hello Sarah and welcome.
I would be repeating the points I'd raise that everyone here has brought up, so I will ask something else:  

Do you normally try to be truthful to the best of your ability? Would having a fling with John leave you with guilt and remorse?  My personal thoughts are that if you are very drawn to this man, perhaps it is validation that  the duckling grew into a swan.  Maybe a flirty drink is all you need for that validation, making sure you don't carry it too far.

Marriage is difficult even for well matched couples, so why add a hidden secret onto it from the get-go?   If you are  happy with your fiancé, then John is one of many temptations you will encounter.  What if in two or three years, another man with killer looks and charm begins to flirt with you?  Perhaps evaluate if your fiancé is really the man you want as your life partner, monogamously, since you indicated you and he do not have an open, but instead exclusive relationship.

If you decide to meet, I'd let John know you are engaged.

[Sarah]

Hello Sarah and welcome.
I would be repeating the points I'd raise that everyone here has brought up, so I will ask something else:  

Do you normally try to be truthful to the best of your ability? Would having a fling with John leave you with guilt and remorse?  My personal thoughts are that if you are very drawn to this man, perhaps it is validation that  the duckling grew into a swan.  Maybe a flirty drink is all you need for that validation, making sure you don't carry it too far.

Marriage is difficult even for well matched couples, so why add a hidden secret onto it from the get-go?   If you are  happy with your fiancé, then John is one of many temptations you will encounter.  What if in two or three years, another man with killer looks and charm begins to flirt with you?  Perhaps evaluate if your fiancé is really the man you want as your life partner, monogamously, since you indicated you and he do not have an open, but instead exclusive relationship.

If you decide to meet, I'd let John know you are engaged.

Hello and thank you.

A part of it may be about validation but I think it is also about having had that one fantasy for so long and now I see this as my one chance to live it. I was never very socially active when I was younger. I was too shy. When everyone else was going out having fun I was sat at home alone. I suppose a part of me feels like I missed out on that wild phase most people get to have.
 
I do try to be honest. I guess a part of me somehow wants to think of it is a lesser sin if I do something like this before getting married instead of after.
 
I have had few people suggest I just go and see what happens. I do like that idea. I think I was working on the idea that if I agreed to go I was also agreeing to having sex. Honestly, I think just having people suggest I go feels like I’ve been given permission to go and that has eased a lot of the pressure I was feeling.
 
I’m going to agree to meet up with him and just take it from there.

[Becky123]

Hello and thank you.

A part of it may be about validation but I think it is also about having had that one fantasy for so long and now I see this as my one chance to live it. I was never very socially active when I was younger. I was too shy. When everyone else was going out having fun I was sat at home alone. I suppose a part of me feels like I missed out on that wild phase most people get to have.
 
I do try to be honest. I guess a part of me somehow wants to think of it is a lesser sin if I do something like this before getting married instead of after.
 
I have had few people suggest I just go and see what happens. I do like that idea. I think I was working on the idea that if I agreed to go I was also agreeing to having sex. Honestly, I think just having people suggest I go feels like I’ve been given permission to go and that has eased a lot of the pressure I was feeling.
 
I’m going to agree to meet up with him and just take it from there.

I’m glad to hear you are feeling less stressed about the situation.
 
Good luck on the date. I hope it ends with an outcome you are happy with (whatever that may be) and that you come back to tell us how it went.

[Sarah]

I’m glad to hear you are feeling less stressed about the situation.
 
Good luck on the date. I hope it ends with an outcome you are happy with (whatever that may be) and that you come back to tell us how it went.

I will.
Thank you to everyone for all your support.

[cenedra]

Have fun !!

[Sarah]

Thank you everyone for all the kind support you’ve given me. I hope you still feel the same after reading this.
 
So, I had the date last night. I had no idea what to expect and was nervous but it went well. He really put me at ease and we had a lovely time. I wont go too much into the detail unless you want me to but there was lots of kissing, lots of touching but no sex.
 
I tossed and turned all night thinking about things. I’ve basically thought about nothing else if I’m honest but Ive reached a decision. Ive decided to go through with it.
I still don’t know if I will regret it afterwards or how guilty I will feel but I feel as though my mind is made up now.

I know a lot of people will condemn me for choosing this and that’s ok. I know I deserve it.
Im sorry if anyone feels like Ive let them down with my decision.

[Sandy]

I don't think anyone (here at least) will condemn you for making that choice! That's not who we are here.

We're just here to help you figure out what you want to do -- hopefully with as much information as you can get based on our experiences. You have probably read what we wrote here and even if it didn't change the course of what you wanted to do at least it's made you think and prepare you for what may happen next.

Most of us (if not all of us) were at that point you were in at some point when our EMR started -- we may have been aware that it wasn't the "norm" and we were heading against what society was saying to us about relationships, but we did it anyway!

[Becky123]

Thank you everyone for all the kind support you’ve given me. I hope you still feel the same after reading this.
 
So, I had the date last night. I had no idea what to expect and was nervous but it went well. He really put me at ease and we had a lovely time. I wont go too much into the detail unless you want me to but there was lots of kissing, lots of touching but no sex.
 
I tossed and turned all night thinking about things. I’ve basically thought about nothing else if I’m honest but Ive reached a decision. Ive decided to go through with it.
I still don’t know if I will regret it afterwards or how guilty I will feel but I feel as though my mind is made up now.

I know a lot of people will condemn me for choosing this and that’s ok. I know I deserve it.
Im sorry if anyone feels like Ive let them down with my decision.

I’m glad you had a good time.
Don’t worry. I don’t think anyone here is going to judge you.
 
Does he know you are engaged?
Have you given any thought to if you want this to be a one night stand, a fling or an affair?
 
Whatever you decide I hope its everything you wanted it to be.

[Sarah]

Update.

We did it.

I’m definitely glad I did it but I am feeling a real mix of emotions now.

On one hand it was fantastic. All the concerns about if the sex was going to be bad were unnecessary. It feels so amazing to have done something that I always wanted and he did not disappoint. It makes me so happy.

On the other hand I do feel guilty about betraying my partner. I checked my phone afterwards and found a message from him and I felt really shitty.
 
I am seeing John again tonight though so does anyone have any advice?

[Sarah]

I don't think anyone (here at least) will condemn you for making that choice! That's not who we are here.

We're just here to help you figure out what you want to do -- hopefully with as much information as you can get based on our experiences. You have probably read what we wrote here and even if it didn't change the course of what you wanted to do at least it's made you think and prepare you for what may happen next.

Most of us (if not all of us) were at that point you were in at some point when our EMR started -- we may have been aware that it wasn't the "norm" and we were heading against what society was saying to us about relationships, but we did it anyway!

Thank you for the understanding.

[Sarah]

I’m glad you had a good time.
Don’t worry. I don’t think anyone here is going to judge you.
 
Does he know you are engaged?
Have you given any thought to if you want this to be a one night stand, a fling or an affair?
 
Whatever you decide I hope its everything you wanted it to be.

No. He doesn’t know Im engaged. I took my ring off before our date no Saturday and again yesterday. I did think about leaving it on but I thought that would have just complicated things and lead to a conversation I really did not want to have. He does know that I am only around for a short time so I think he knows Im not looking for anything too involved.
 
Given how far apart we live I don’t see how an affair would work. Plus I really don’t want to get tangled up in all that.

[cenedra]

No. He doesn’t know Im engaged. I took my ring off before our date no Saturday and again yesterday. I did think about leaving it on but I thought that would have just complicated things and lead to a conversation I really did not want to have. He does know that I am only around for a short time so I think he knows Im not looking for anything too involved.
 
Given how far apart we live I don’t see how an affair would work. Plus I really don’t want to get tangled up in all that.

I'm glad you had a good night!!! Is he single , married or whatever either do you know? Not that kt matters it its only a one night thing just curious


I wouldn't rule out long disfance plenty of people do it.