Hello everyone

[Em90]

Hello everyone,

New member here. I know what I have to say is a bit messed up so I guess I will just say it. Please be kind.

My sister died 6 months ago. Her death was unexpected. We were really close and her death  devastated our family.
When she died her husband really struggled to cope. I tried to be there for him and my niece as much as possible. Like I said we were a really close family and I wanted to be there for my niece.

We spoke almost every day. We were both struggling emotionally and after spending so much time together we grew close. Looking back, I suppose we became an emotional crutch for one another. I guess you could call it an emotional affair.

A while ago things escalated and became physical. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened.

I obviously don’t want to risk my marriage but if I stop seeing him completely then I will also lose my niece which I cant do.

I don’t think my husband is suspicious of anything or if he is then he hasn’t directly said anything. He is unhappy though about how much time I have been spending away from my own family.

I don’t know what to do next. If things get exposed the repercussions would be huge.

[Brigit]

Hi and welcome. 

Sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a hard time for you if you were close with your sister.  Do you think you and her DH getting together is a coping mechanism for you both? Are you (un)happy in your marriage? Were they?
Did they two of you spend time together before your sister passed?

[cenedra]

Hello everyone,

New member here. I know what I have to say is a bit messed up so I guess I will just say it. Please be kind.

My sister died 6 months ago. Her death was unexpected. We were really close and her death  devastated our family.
When she died her husband really struggled to cope. I tried to be there for him and my niece as much as possible. Like I said we were a really close family and I wanted to be there for my niece.

We spoke almost every day. We were both struggling emotionally and after spending so much time together we grew close. Looking back, I suppose we became an emotional crutch for one another. I guess you could call it an emotional affair.

A while ago things escalated and became physical. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened.

I obviously don’t want to risk my marriage but if I stop seeing him completely then I will also lose my niece which I cant do.

I don’t think my husband is suspicious of anything or if he is then he hasn’t directly said anything. He is unhappy though about how much time I have been spending away from my own family.

I don’t know what to do next. If things get exposed the repercussions would be huge.

So you said her husband was struggling to cope . Perhaps being with you then allowed him to cope better and part of all of this is that he is terrified of going back to the pit he was in before

Has he threatened to expose you or deny you access to your niece if you stop being with him ?

Is he in therapy.? To me it seems like he needs to find a way to cope with his wife's death outside of being dependent on you

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister. It's a tough time for you too. I get he was her husband but sisters also share a special bond that it's hard to replace. You are also grieving. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too

[Violet]

Hi there and welcome.  I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister. That’s a traumatic thing to go through. No judgement here, either. We’re here for you. I can totally see how you and your brother and law in your time of need could fall into each other’s arms. It happens. Do you actually want to stop seeing him or are you just nervous about BS finding out? If you were to end your EMR with him did he say he would no longer allow access to your niece? How would he explain that to her?

[Em90]

Thank you everyone for all your kind words.

[Em90]

Hi and welcome. 

Sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a hard time for you if you were close with your sister.  Do you think you and her DH getting together is a coping mechanism for you both? Are you (un)happy in your marriage? Were they?
Did they two of you spend time together before your sister passed?

Thank you.

No. I’m not unhappy in my marriage and neither were they. We spent a lot of time together before but it was always as our two families. I never really spent very much time alone with him or ever thought of him like that.
 
I think a coping mechanism is a part of it. Its been hard for us both and having someone else to lean on has been really important for both of us. I don’t know how I would have coped otherwise and Im pressy sure he would be the same. My husband has been supportive but its not quite the same for him as it is for me and him.

[Em90]

So you said her husband was struggling to cope . Perhaps being with you then allowed him to cope better and part of all of this is that he is terrified of going back to the pit he was in before

Has he threatened to expose you or deny you access to your niece if you stop being with him ?

Is he in therapy.? To me it seems like he needs to find a way to cope with his wife's death outside of being dependent on you

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister. It's a tough time for you too. I get he was her husband but sisters also share a special bond that it's hard to replace.  You are also grieving.  Make sure you are taking care of yourself too

Thank you.

It’s been hard for us both and having someone else there has been a real god send. My sister’s death was really sudden and hit everyone hard. Theres also my niece to look after who is still young.

No. He hasn’t threatened me and I don’t think he would. He knows the repercussions would be just a bad for him as for me. If it was anyone else I could just cut them off completely. I can’t do that here. Our families are so close. If I suddenly do that then that alone would be enough to arouse suspicion. Even if that weren’t the case I wont just cut my niece out of my life. But then how do I spend the rest of my life interacting with this person?

[Em90]

Hi there and welcome.  I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister. That’s a traumatic thing to go through. No judgement here, either. We’re here for you. I can totally see how you and your brother and law in your time of need could fall into each other’s arms. It happens. Do you actually want to stop seeing him or are you just nervous about BS finding out? If you were to end your EMR with him did he say he would no longer allow access to your niece? How would he explain that to her?

Thank you.

I don’t think he would threaten to stop me from seeing her but how can I just carry on as if nothing had happened?
I don’t want to ruin my marriage.

Having someone who is going through the same things has been really important for me and I know he was struggling too. For a long time we were all really worried about him.

[Nightingale]

Hello everyone,

New member here. I know what I have to say is a bit messed up so I guess I will just say it. Please be kind.

My sister died 6 months ago. Her death was unexpected. We were really close and her death  devastated our family.
When she died her husband really struggled to cope. I tried to be there for him and my niece as much as possible. Like I said we were a really close family and I wanted to be there for my niece.

We spoke almost every day. We were both struggling emotionally and after spending so much time together we grew close. Looking back, I suppose we became an emotional crutch for one another. I guess you could call it an emotional affair.

A while ago things escalated and became physical. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened.

I obviously don’t want to risk my marriage but if I stop seeing him completely then I will also lose my niece which I cant do.

I don’t think my husband is suspicious of anything or if he is then he hasn’t directly said anything. He is unhappy though about how much time I have been spending away from my own family.

I don’t know what to do next. If things get exposed the repercussions would be huge.

Hello,

I am really sorry for your loss. 

I wanted to say that I think your situation is very understandable. The impression that I get is that you both deeply loved your sister and that her death has been an incredible loss. Each of you probably felt like the other was the only person who could truly understand the depth of the grief each had. 
I think it would take a very callous person to judge you for this.

From your responses though it sounds like you're in a place where you don't really want to be in this relationship further, but feel trapped due to various factors like how you would maintain the relationship with your niece and also a genuine concern for his well being. 

How does he feel about the relationship? Does he want to continue it? Or does he feel like it might be time to move on also? I just wonder if this could be a case where eventually both of you could mutually decide its time to end the relationship and be content with the idea that it was something special while it lasted and acknowledge the comfort it brought both of you and that it was probably what you needed at the time.

I agree with what one of the other poster's said about it might be an idea for him to seek some kind of grief counseling if you feel like he's still really having a hard time coping on his own. I would never try to say that I know the depth of what you might be feeling, however I can really empathize with the desire to be a source of comfort for someone, emotionally and sexually, who is going through an intense amount of pain.

[Em90]

Hello,

I am really sorry for your loss. 

I wanted to say that I think your situation is very understandable. The impression that I get is that you both deeply loved your sister and that her death has been an incredible loss. Each of you probably felt like the other was the only person who could truly understand the depth of the grief each had. 
I think it would take a very callous person to judge you for this.

From your responses though it sounds like you're in a place where you don't really want to be in this relationship further, but feel trapped due to various factors like how you would maintain the relationship with your niece and also a genuine concern for his well being. 

How does he feel about the relationship? Does he want to continue it? Or does he feel like it might be time to move on also? I just wonder if this could be a case where eventually both of you could mutually decide its time to end the relationship and be content with the idea that it was something special while it lasted and acknowledge the comfort it brought both of you and that it was probably what you needed at the time.

I agree with what one of the other poster's said about it might be an idea for him to seek some kind of grief counseling if you feel like he's still really having a hard time coping on his own. I would never try to say that I know the depth of what you might be feeling, however I can really empathize with the desire to be a source of comfort for someone, emotionally and sexually, who is going through an intense amount of pain.

Thank you. That’s really kind of you to say.
 
We haven’t really spoken about what each others intentions are. I guess I’ve been trying to avoid that conversation because I don’t know what he’s going to say. There has been a change in the way he is around me though. He is more affectionate towards me. He seems better in himself. I don’t know if that’s just a natural consequence or if he is hoping for something more.

[Nightingale]

Thank you. That’s really kind of you to say.
 
We haven’t really spoken about what each others intentions are. I guess I’ve been trying to avoid that conversation because I don’t know what he’s going to say. There has been a change in the way he is around me though. He is more affectionate towards me. He seems better in himself. I don’t know if that’s just a natural consequence or if he is hoping for something more.

Maybe instead of bringing up the relationship, you could ask if he's thought about any future plans? It might keep the conversation a bit more generic and might shed some light on what his intentions are. 

Is there anyone else that knows both you could potentially confide in? A safe non-judgemental person. Even if you were to start by only talking about the emotional aspect of it. It's true that people tend to make quick, harsh judgments on people and situations they know little about, but I found that they will often take a more compassionate and nuanced approach when dealing with those close to them. Of course, you have to feel comfortable.  

Or maybe just someone that you can have a discussion with about him in general, I know you mentioned that many were worried about him for a while. Maybe he's talked to some other people about some of his plans and it might give you some insight? 

I'm kind of just throwing ideas out there. It's also fine if you don't feel ready to go there yet, but it's at least something to maybe think about.

[Nightingale]

Maybe instead of bringing up the relationship, you could ask if he's thought about any future plans? It might keep the conversation a bit more generic and might shed some light on what his intentions are. 

Is there anyone else that knows both you could potentially confide in? A safe non-judgemental person. Even if you were to start by only talking about the emotional aspect of it. It's true that people tend to make quick, harsh judgments on people and situations they know little about, but I found that they will often take a more compassionate and nuanced approach when dealing with those close to them. Of course, you have to feel comfortable.  

Or maybe just someone that you can have a discussion with about him in general, I know you mentioned that many were worried about him for a while. Maybe he's talked to some other people about some of his plans and it might give you some insight? 

I'm kind of just throwing ideas out there. It's also fine if you don't feel ready to go there yet, but it's at least something to maybe think about.

I also want to add though, that none of my suggestions were meant to be taken as you having to be responsible for helping him navigate his grief/healing. Most important is that you take care of your needs first. That means you are also in your full right to firmly but gently end the relationship, if that's something you want to do, without feeling guilty.

[Em90]

I also want to add though, that none of my suggestions were meant to be taken as you having to be responsible for helping him navigate his grief/healing. Most important is that you take care of your needs first. That means you are also in your full right to firmly but gently end the relationship, if that's something you want to do, without feeling guilty.

We are all very close as a family so we all do talk about whats happening in each others lives. Theres no way I could ever tell someone I know personally about what been happening though.

I don’t want to make it sound like it is something I was pressured into. When it first started it was mutual. It wasn’t something I ever thought about but it just happened. As its gone on I have been feeling worse and worse about it. I don’t want to lose my marriage and I do feel wrong about whats been happening. My husband has tried to be supportive but its not the same as someone that is actually going through the same emotions.

It worries me because I have noticed a change in him since it started and Im just afraid he will start to decline again if we have that conversation. Then theres always the problem of what happens if he doesn’t want to stop. What kind of problems will that cause?

[Brigit]

The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to stop, if you actually truly like each other. (I knew that going in and it wasn’t enough to stop me, but I really wish I could have stopped.) If you can stop/have that conversation now, it will be easier than if you have it later. But in any case, those of us in the same/similar boat are here for you.

[Mrs T]

Hi,

At the end of the day, he is not your responsibility.  I think what happened was for mutual comfort in your time of loss. It happened and cannot be changed.

Have the conversation with him and tell him it is affecting your marriage and you have to stop. 

If you don't, it will be worse if your husband and family find out by accident.  

I think you need to be the stronger one here.  It is your life and marriage that you are risking.  

Best wishes,

Ourania.

[Em90]

The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to stop, if you actually truly like each other. (I knew that going in and it wasn’t enough to stop me, but I really wish I could have stopped.) If you can stop/have that conversation now, it will be easier than if you have it later. But in any case, those of us in the same/similar boat are here for you.

I know you’re right. I suppose it’s just a conversation I was really hoping I could avoid having.
Thank you for your support.

[Em90]

Hi,

At the end of the day, he is not your responsibility.  I think what happened was for mutual comfort in your time of loss. It happened and cannot be changed.

Have the conversation with him and tell him it is affecting your marriage and you have to stop. 

If you don't, it will be worse if your husband and family find out by accident.  

I think you need to be the stronger one here.  It is your life and marriage that you are risking.  

Best wishes,

Ourania.

You're right. Thank you.

[Em90]

Hello Everyone,
 
I just wanted to give you all a quick update.
 
We had the talk yesterday. It was really difficult, but it went about as well as I could have hoped. He tried not to show it, but I could tell he was disappointed. I’m a little sad myself.
I suppose now its just a matter seeing how things go from here.
 
Thankyou to everyone for giving me the encouragement I needed.

[Mrs T]

Hello Everyone,
 
I just wanted to give you all a quick update.
 
We had the talk yesterday. It was really difficult, but it went about as well as I could have hoped. He tried not to show it, but I could tell he was disappointed. I’m a little sad myself.
I suppose now its just a matter seeing how things go from here.
 
Thankyou to everyone for giving me the encouragement I needed.

Well done Em.

I hope it isn't going to go anywhere now.  Safer for everyone.  

Your brother in law needs to find his own way now.  

O

[Violet]

Hello Everyone,
 
I just wanted to give you all a quick update.
 
We had the talk yesterday. It was really difficult, but it went about as well as I could have hoped. He tried not to show it, but I could tell he was disappointed. I’m a little sad myself.
I suppose now its just a matter seeing how things go from here.
 
Thankyou to everyone for giving me the encouragement I needed.

So proud of you. I know that couldn’t have been easy. We’re still here for you to navigate these emotions. You did what was best for you even though it was difficult to have the talk. One day at a time is how you move on from here.