Feel Trapped..

[Shamir123]

Hi everyone.. I’m have been having an affair with a MM for 17 months. It was virtually love at first sight for me, no man had ever impacted me in that way, he said he felt the same. On our first couple of dates I didn’t know he was married, but when he told me it was too late, I was smitten.

Fast forward 17 months and we are still here. All his promises to leave have come to nothing, he admitted he is scared, financially and over the emotional impact it would have. They have no children together, it is his second marriage but have been married over 20 years. 

I can’t seem to accept things as they are, to wait as he says he will leave, they are sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. but it hurts too much. But every time I try to end it I go back because I love him and miss him so much. I feel trapped in all of this. I’m in my 50’s and feel like an idiot for letting this happen to me. 

Any advice on how to move on would be greatly appreciated..

[Violet]

Hi everyone.. I’m have been having an affair with a MM for 17 months. It was virtually love at first sight for me, no man had ever impacted me in that way, he said he felt the same. On our first couple of dates I didn’t know he was married, but when he told me it was too late, I was smitten.

Fast forward 17 months and we are still here. All his promises to leave have come to nothing, he admitted he is scared, financially and over the emotional impact it would have. They have no children together, it is his second marriage but have been married over 20 years. 

I can’t seem to accept things as they are, to wait as he says he will leave, they are sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. but it hurts too much. But every time I try to end it I go back because I love him and miss him so much. I feel trapped in all of this. I’m in my 50’s and feel like an idiot for letting this happen to me. 

Any advice on how to move on would be greatly appreciated..

Hi there and welcome. As for trying to end it and going back I get it. Been there done that numerous times. It’s hard. However, you asked for advice on how to move on so that’s what I’m going to address here. From what you stated this man wasn’t honest about his marital status in the beginning, correct? That’s a red flag in my book. My MM and I have never misrepresented our home lives nor made false promises to each other. I think if you truly want to move on as you said I would focus on the fact that he misrepresented himself in the beginning for one. Then the fact that it seems you are looking for an open relationship rather than an EMR and he’s shown you that’s not going to materialize. Ask yourself how long you’re willing to be the other woman if your goal is to be the only woman. Again, your head and logic will tell you one thing but your emotions will tell you another. Some people get into an EMR hoping the guy will leave only to hang on years and it never happens. Most don’t leave if you read the stories here. A few do. Each situation is different. You have to ask yourself if you can be happy being in a long term affair if he’s not leaving his M. It doesn’t sound like you are? It sucks, I get it. Sometimes I feel myself like if only I met MM at a different time it could be us out in the open. Remember you can only control yourself, your choices, your part in the situation, and that is empowering.

[Shamir123]

Hi there and welcome. As for trying to end it and going back I get it. Been there done that numerous times. It’s hard. However, you asked for advice on how to move on so that’s what I’m going to address here. From what you stated this man wasn’t honest about his marital status in the beginning, correct? That’s a red flag in my book. My MM and I have never misrepresented our home lives nor made false promises to each other. I think if you truly want to move on as you said I would focus on the fact that he misrepresented himself in the beginning for one. Then the fact that it seems you are looking for an open relationship rather than an EMR and he’s shown you that’s not going to materialize. Ask yourself how long you’re willing to be the other woman if your goal is to be the only woman. Again, your head and logic will tell you one thing but your emotions will tell you another. Some people get into an EMR hoping the guy will leave only to hang on years and it never happens. Most don’t leave if you read the stories here. A few do. Each situation is different. You have to ask yourself if you can be happy being in a long term affair if he’s not leaving his M. It doesn’t sound like you are? It sucks, I get it. Sometimes I feel myself like if only I met MM at a different time it could be us out in the open. Remember you can only control yourself, your choices, your part in the situation, and that is empowering.

[Shamir123]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You are absolutely right about the head and the heart. Nothing adds up, no promises kept yet I want to believe him, feel he is sincere in those moments. I suppose I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone quite like him again. 
I wish I could accept the situation as it is, even for now, as then I could have him in my life, but the jealousy and pain of living a part life with him, sharing him with another, hurts too much and too often. 
May I ask how you cope with those feelings if you have them too? Thank you.

[OUrania]

Hi. 

I never coped with those feelings, couldn't. So my only solution was to walk away.  

I hung on for 17 years.  I wouldn't say they were wasted years as I did have a rich life myself. I just never met a partner.  

Ourania.

[Durbsdr2018]

Shamir - 

I completely understand how you feel. I met my MM when my marriage ended. I had no intention of getting involved in an EMR and initially broke it off with him after a month or two and told him specifically that I did not want to be involved with a married man. He then told me he was getting divorced and given my attraction to him and my newly single life I gave in and started seeing him again. A year later, when divorce became "not an option" I was too deeply involved. I could not breathe at the thought of walking away, and so I too became trapped. What we had was actually quite good for a while. He spent two nights a week at my house and we'd go on little trips together 8-10 times per year. We saw each other mostly every day, and although there were times that he did things with BW, it really was not common. Still I was never able to accept his marriage as part of our relationship, because I wanted more from our relationship. We were extremely close, and he was my best friend in every way. I wanted to know him at every level, and he could not give me this while married. I convinced myself that what we had was good enough, and accepted that we'd probably face an end at some point in the future but I never quite was able to pul up my girl pants and end it. I guess in my situation I had one false hope and one true fear that kept me from walking away. I wanted to believe that if I hung onto hope long enough that things would eventually change - he'd leave her or she'd leave him. I also feared the pain of losing him and worried that on the other side of that pain I would not be able to have a relationship with him anymore.

Things changed unexpectedly for us in 2020 with the pandemic and significant changes in his life. BW was out of work for a while, and when she started working again she moved a several hour plane flight away. They have been living apart since then, but she visits frequently and he goes there at times (only once or twice a year most recently due to his business). His business has grown exponentially with a lot of hardwork on his part. His business was the reason he claimed he stayed in his marriage - he often said it was a business partnership and that building his business was what gave him focus and purpose in life. His business was financed by his wife, and I believe he is inextricably financially tangled with his wife. Over the course of the last 5 years we have grown apart significantly. While we often text every day/most days, even that is getting fewer and more far between. He always says he's going to have "more time in X days/weeks/months" and we'll do things together, but it never happens. It's just become something he says. His business has grown significantly and he's pretty successful, but he's unhappy. He feels trapped in his business and marriage. It's tough to see. 

My advice to you, is to put yourself first always. Love yourself first always. If you loved yourself as much as you loved him, what advice would you give yourself? If you are feeling jealousy and pain now, you always will. At the same time remember that life is complex and a journey we undertake without knowledge of the future, but have faith that you're on the right path. 

[OUrania]

Shamir - 

I completely understand how you feel. I met my MM when my marriage ended. I had no intention of getting involved in an EMR and initially broke it off with him after a month or two and told him specifically that I did not want to be involved with a married man. He then told me he was getting divorced and given my attraction to him and my newly single life I gave in and started seeing him again. A year later, when divorce became "not an option" I was too deeply involved. I could not breathe at the thought of walking away, and so I too became trapped. What we had was actually quite good for a while. He spent two nights a week at my house and we'd go on little trips together 8-10 times per year. We saw each other mostly every day, and although there were times that he did things with BW, it really was not common. Still I was never able to accept his marriage as part of our relationship, because I wanted more from our relationship. We were extremely close, and he was my best friend in every way. I wanted to know him at every level, and he could not give me this while married. I convinced myself that what we had was good enough, and accepted that we'd probably face an end at some point in the future but I never quite was able to pul up my girl pants and end it. I guess in my situation I had one false hope and one true fear that kept me from walking away. I wanted to believe that if I hung onto hope long enough that things would eventually change - he'd leave her or she'd leave him. I also feared the pain of losing him and worried that on the other side of that pain I would not be able to have a relationship with him anymore.

Things changed unexpectedly for us in 2020 with the pandemic and significant changes in his life. BW was out of work for a while, and when she started working again she moved a several hour plane flight away. They have been living apart since then, but she visits frequently and he goes there at times (only once or twice a year most recently due to his business). His business has grown exponentially with a lot of hardwork on his part. His business was the reason he claimed he stayed in his marriage - he often said it was a business partnership and that building his business was what gave him focus and purpose in life. His business was financed by his wife, and I believe he is inextricably financially tangled with his wife. Over the course of the last 5 years we have grown apart significantly. While we often text every day/most days, even that is getting fewer and more far between. He always says he's going to have "more time in X days/weeks/months" and we'll do things together, but it never happens. It's just become something he says. His business has grown significantly and he's pretty successful, but he's unhappy. He feels trapped in his business and marriage. It's tough to see. 

My advice to you, is to put yourself first always. Love yourself first always. If you loved yourself as much as you loved him, what advice would you give yourself? If you are feeling jealousy and pain now, you always will. At the same time remember that life is complex and a journey we undertake without knowledge of the future, but have faith that you're on the right path. 

[Shamir123]

Hi. 

I never coped with those feelings, couldn't. So my only solution was to walk away.  

I hung on for 17 years.  I wouldn't say they were wasted years as I did have a rich life myself. I just never met a partner.  

Ourania.

[Shamir123]

Thank you so much for replying. I think because he is so sincere, so open and willing to tell me how much he loves me, that it doesn’t seem possible he wouldn’t follow through. And yet he doesn’t. I know fear plays a big part, but I think if it were me I would do it. I just don’t know what to believe, yet the thought of not having him in my life is so painful. 

I’m so sorry you had to walk away after that time, I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you.

[Shamir123]

Shamir - 

I completely understand how you feel. I met my MM when my marriage ended. I had no intention of getting involved in an EMR and initially broke it off with him after a month or two and told him specifically that I did not want to be involved with a married man. He then told me he was getting divorced and given my attraction to him and my newly single life I gave in and started seeing him again. A year later, when divorce became "not an option" I was too deeply involved. I could not breathe at the thought of walking away, and so I too became trapped. What we had was actually quite good for a while. He spent two nights a week at my house and we'd go on little trips together 8-10 times per year. We saw each other mostly every day, and although there were times that he did things with BW, it really was not common. Still I was never able to accept his marriage as part of our relationship, because I wanted more from our relationship. We were extremely close, and he was my best friend in every way. I wanted to know him at every level, and he could not give me this while married. I convinced myself that what we had was good enough, and accepted that we'd probably face an end at some point in the future but I never quite was able to pul up my girl pants and end it. I guess in my situation I had one false hope and one true fear that kept me from walking away. I wanted to believe that if I hung onto hope long enough that things would eventually change - he'd leave her or she'd leave him. I also feared the pain of losing him and worried that on the other side of that pain I would not be able to have a relationship with him anymore.

Things changed unexpectedly for us in 2020 with the pandemic and significant changes in his life. BW was out of work for a while, and when she started working again she moved a several hour plane flight away. They have been living apart since then, but she visits frequently and he goes there at times (only once or twice a year most recently due to his business). His business has grown exponentially with a lot of hardwork on his part. His business was the reason he claimed he stayed in his marriage - he often said it was a business partnership and that building his business was what gave him focus and purpose in life. His business was financed by his wife, and I believe he is inextricably financially tangled with his wife. Over the course of the last 5 years we have grown apart significantly. While we often text every day/most days, even that is getting fewer and more far between. He always says he's going to have "more time in X days/weeks/months" and we'll do things together, but it never happens. It's just become something he says. His business has grown significantly and he's pretty successful, but he's unhappy. He feels trapped in his business and marriage. It's tough to see. 

My advice to you, is to put yourself first always. Love yourself first always. If you loved yourself as much as you loved him, what advice would you give yourself? If you are feeling jealousy and pain now, you always will. At the same time remember that life is complex and a journey we undertake without knowledge of the future, but have faith that you're on the right path. 

[Shamir123]

Thank you so much for replying. I never imagined myself in such a complicated situation, being here where my heart seems to keep ruling over my head. I know putting myself matters most, I think that is part of the problem, I’m struggling to do that. I can see I have work to do on myself, and yet he’s my best friend, the one I turn to. I’m every cliche in the book and I hate that! I miss him so much when we’re not together.

[Violet]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You are absolutely right about the head and the heart. Nothing adds up, no promises kept yet I want to believe him, feel he is sincere in those moments. I suppose I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone quite like him again. 
I wish I could accept the situation as it is, even for now, as then I could have him in my life, but the jealousy and pain of living a part life with him, sharing him with another, hurts too much and too often. 
May I ask how you cope with those feelings if you have them too? Thank you.

What you’re feeling is quite common, you’re not alone. There are those who are content to be in this situation indefinitely and accept the limitations of the relationship. Others experience pain because they want more, quite understandably. Matters of the heart can be complex. As for how I personally cope when I feel the jealous feelings, the dealing with less communication on weekends when he’s busy with his wife, etc.? I remind myself that he chose to risk his marriage to get involved with me. That there is something I bring to his life that he doesn’t have at home. I’m meeting emotional and physical needs for him that are meaningful to his happiness. I remind myself that we share something unique between the two of us and even with a wife at home he’s calling me, not her on his lunch breaks, making time to meet me regularly, and when I’ve broken up with him I’ve seen the pain it’s caused him. I know this man loves me even if he’s married to someone else. I know he desires me more than anyone else. I’m the one he dreams about. That is how I deal with my insecure feelings.

[Shamir123]

What you’re feeling is quite common, you’re not alone. There are those who are content to be in this situation indefinitely and accept the limitations of the relationship. Others experience pain because they want more, quite understandably. Matters of the heart can be complex. As for how I personally cope when I feel the jealous feelings, the dealing with less communication on weekends when he’s busy with his wife, etc.? I remind myself that he chose to risk his marriage to get involved with me. That there is something I bring to his life that he doesn’t have at home. I’m meeting emotional and physical needs for him that are meaningful to his happiness. I remind myself that we share something unique between the two of us and even with a wife at home he’s calling me, not her on his lunch breaks, making time to meet me regularly, and when I’ve broken up with him I’ve seen the pain it’s caused him. I know this man loves me even if he’s married to someone else. I know he desires me more than anyone else. I’m the one he dreams about. That is how I deal with my insecure feelings.

[Shamir123]

I know all those things too, I really do. Thank you for sharing this with me, it really means alot.

[Sandrine]

Hi everyone.. I’m have been having an affair with a MM for 17 months. It was virtually love at first sight for me, no man had ever impacted me in that way, he said he felt the same. On our first couple of dates I didn’t know he was married, but when he told me it was too late, I was smitten.

Fast forward 17 months and we are still here. All his promises to leave have come to nothing, he admitted he is scared, financially and over the emotional impact it would have. They have no children together, it is his second marriage but have been married over 20 years. 

I can’t seem to accept things as they are, to wait as he says he will leave, they are sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. but it hurts too much. But every time I try to end it I go back because I love him and miss him so much. I feel trapped in all of this. I’m in my 50’s and feel like an idiot for letting this happen to me. 

Any advice on how to move on would be greatly appreciated..

Hello Shamir,

I eelate to your story, as my MM misrepresented himself to me also, although he stated he was "separated" when he actually was living with his wife, and mislead me for 11 months until we finally met in person and became intimate.  I was already smitten with him, and he was with me;  our EMR was full of longing, romance, passion, and friendship.

You can only ask yourself, how would you feel if 6 years hence you were in the same position with him as now?  I've known my MM 7.5 years now, 6.5 in person.   There have been intensely wonderful moments, though infrequent, and a lot of heartache too. In 2018 I never imagined he would still be with her in 2025.   Time is precious.

If enjoy the EMR for what it is, it may prove a wonderful love.  Still I would suggest keeping your options open to meet someone truly available.

Wishing you the best.

[Shamir123]

Hello Shamir,

I eelate to your story, as my MM misrepresented himself to me also, although he stated he was "separated" when he actually was living with his wife, and mislead me for 11 months until we finally met in person and became intimate.  I was already smitten with him, and he was with me;  our EMR was full of longing, romance, passion, and friendship.

You can only ask yourself, how would you feel if 6 years hence you were in the same position with him as now?  I've known my MM 7.5 years now, 6.5 in person.   There have been intensely wonderful moments, though infrequent, and a lot of heartache too. In 2018 I never imagined he would still be with her in 2025.   Time is precious.

If enjoy the EMR for what it is, it may prove a wonderful love.  Still I would suggest keeping your options open to meet someone truly available.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you so much for your messsge, I completely understand your disbelief he hasn’t left yet, I feel like that too. All the things he says makes me feel he will and then he doesn’t. I’m so sorry it’s been this long for you. Time is precious, it’s just so hard living like this yet maybe harder to stop it. Thank you again.

[rozay]

Hi everyone.. I’m have been having an affair with a MM for 17 months. It was virtually love at first sight for me, no man had ever impacted me in that way, he said he felt the same. On our first couple of dates I didn’t know he was married, but when he told me it was too late, I was smitten.

Fast forward 17 months and we are still here. All his promises to leave have come to nothing, he admitted he is scared, financially and over the emotional impact it would have. They have no children together, it is his second marriage but have been married over 20 years. 

I can’t seem to accept things as they are, to wait as he says he will leave, they are sleeping in separate bedrooms etc. but it hurts too much. But every time I try to end it I go back because I love him and miss him so much. I feel trapped in all of this. I’m in my 50’s and feel like an idiot for letting this happen to me. 

Any advice on how to move on would be greatly appreciated..

I just want to say, I empathize with your situation. That is hard to be so in love with someone who is not meeting your expectations. It's difficult to feel that way while trying to separate yourself at the same time. And he told you when it was too late... you were already emotionally there. I'm sorry you have to go through this but do not put shame onto yourself for being in this situation. You are human. You have feelings. You have a lot of love to give and to receive. It's disappointing and you feel trapped. I think something to keep reminding yourself is that all the time you "waste" with MM is another opportunity to find someone who is more committed and reliable to you. Not reaching out is difficult when your entire being misses them... I know... But celebrate even the little milestones of choosing your happiness over feeling uncertain and disappointed. You are what matters. Take care of yourself well. There are many people here supporting you. The best wishes to you. Time will heal.

[Shamir123]

I just want to say, I empathize with your situation. That is hard to be so in love with someone who is not meeting your expectations. It's difficult to feel that way while trying to separate yourself at the same time. And he told you when it was too late... you were already emotionally there. I'm sorry you have to go through this but do not put shame onto yourself for being in this situation. You are human. You have feelings. You have a lot of love to give and to receive. It's disappointing and you feel trapped. I think something to keep reminding yourself is that all the time you "waste" with MM is another opportunity to find someone who is more committed and reliable to you. Not reaching out is difficult when your entire being misses them... I know... But celebrate even the little milestones of choosing your happiness over feeling uncertain and disappointed. You are what matters. Take care of yourself well. There are many people here supporting you. The best wishes to you. Time will heal.

This is a really thoughtful message, thank you so much. Trying to celebrate each time I say no, set my boundaries is really good advice. I know I am wasting my time, my children are almost adults now and I would like to meet someone to share my life with, and I keep hoping it might be him. It’s hard to face reality but I know I must. I truly thank you for your kindness.

[rozay]

This is a really thoughtful message, thank you so much. Trying to celebrate each time I say no, set my boundaries is really good advice. I know I am wasting my time, my children are almost adults now and I would like to meet someone to share my life with, and I keep hoping it might be him. It’s hard to face reality but I know I must. I truly thank you for your kindness.

Boundaries are important and benefit both parties whether it feels that way or not. It sets clear expectations and gives you a tangible line that you can see, so that you are not going in blind and lost. Celebrating the small things you accomplish is hard when you're in pain, but the pain is temporary and the long-term benefit will pay off whether it's with MM or someone else. If it's meant to be, have faith ti will be. But for the time being, stay true to your own wants and more importantly, needs. You can want something really bad, but if it's not what you need, you may feel unfulfilled. From what I'm hearing, it seems you may desire and need security within a relationship and peace upon yourself. Focus on what genuinely makes you happy outside of the relationship. Commit to those things. Find some new hobbies or activities or reliable hobbies and activities to participate in that make you genuinely happy. It could help with as a small distraction. You can't distract yourself forever, but sometimes distracting yourself helps temporarily. Use it as you deem fit. I'm rooting for your happiness and well-being.

[Virginia]

Boundaries are important and benefit both parties whether it feels that way or not. It sets clear expectations and gives you a tangible line that you can see, so that you are not going in blind and lost. Celebrating the small things you accomplish is hard when you're in pain, but the pain is temporary and the long-term benefit will pay off whether it's with MM or someone else. If it's meant to be, have faith ti will be. But for the time being, stay true to your own wants and more importantly, needs. You can want something really bad, but if it's not what you need, you may feel unfulfilled. From what I'm hearing, it seems you may desire and need security within a relationship and peace upon yourself. Focus on what genuinely makes you happy outside of the relationship. Commit to those things. Find some new hobbies or activities or reliable hobbies and activities to participate in that make you genuinely happy. It could help with as a small distraction. You can't distract yourself forever, but sometimes distracting yourself helps temporarily. Use it as you deem fit. I'm rooting for your happiness and well-being.

Boundaries and self-care and your own happiness are so important!! You can still make decisions based on your individual needs and wants when you are ready, especially if the situation continues in a way you are personally not happy with. And do your best to be kind and gentle to yourself.