Married man in an EMR

[HappyAgain]

Hello everyone, I'm a married man in an EMR with a coworker. Our work relationship evolved into an emotional bond while she was going through her divorce and then became physical when she was officially divorced and living on her own. There's a 15+ year age gap between us but it hasn't shown to be an issue in our relationship. She knows I'm obligated to my wife and kids and doesn't expect me to leave my wife, but I do feel guilty that I can't give her true commitment.

[Emilyj]

Hi welcome,

I think what I'm reading is that you are feeling guilty about not being able to commit to her.

I suppose the first thing I'm then thinking is, does she even want true commitment from you? Have you asked her? Maybe, coming out of a divorce, she just wants a relationship with no commitment. Have you openly discussed what the relationship means to both of you and whether you are both happy to take it day by day or whether one of you wants more? Maybe this would be a good conversation to have at this early stage.

I'm also aware that you mentioned an age difference but didn't mention which of you was the elder one. The fact that you mentioned it makes me wonder if it is more of an issue than you think. Maybe have a think about this.

Good luck!

[Brigit]

Welcome. My EMR partner is 5.5 younger (I’m a woman) and I do think about it but some connections seem to persist despite the odds. She sounds like a good person, waiting to divorce before starting up with you.

[Emilyj]

I agree- she does sound really nice, waiting until she was divorced before starting up with you

[HappyAgain]

Hi welcome,

I think what I'm reading is that you are feeling guilty about not being able to commit to her.

I suppose the first thing I'm then thinking is, does she even want true commitment from you? Have you asked her? Maybe, coming out of a divorce, she just wants a relationship with no commitment. Have you openly discussed what the relationship means to both of you and whether you are both happy to take it day by day or whether one of you wants more? Maybe this would be a good conversation to have at this early stage.

I'm also aware that you mentioned an age difference but didn't mention which of you was the elder one. The fact that you mentioned it makes me wonder if it is more of an issue than you think. Maybe have a think about this.

Good luck!

She says she doesn't want any additional commitment from me beyond what our relationship is currently, but she gets upset when I can't find the time for her and she's asked if I'm still having sex with my wife. At the same time, I know she isn't in a rush to be in another relationship given her marriage didn't end on good terms. I'm older than her and it's insecurity on my part that she could lose interest in me when she feels ready to move on to someone who can be with her openly.

[Sunshinechica]

She says she doesn't want any additional commitment from me beyond what our relationship is currently, but she gets upset when I can't find the time for her and she's asked if I'm still having sex with my wife. At the same time, I know she isn't in a rush to be in another relationship given her marriage didn't end on good terms. I'm older than her and it's insecurity on my part that she could lose interest in me when she feels ready to move on to someone who can be with her openly.

I mean that's a risk you take. She may at some point decide she no longer wants to continue to be an OW and may move on. 
It's also a risk that she may want to move into a more open relationship with you and that's not an option. 

What is it you're looking for support? 
Advice?

[Violet]

Hello everyone, I'm a married man in an EMR with a coworker. Our work relationship evolved into an emotional bond while she was going through her divorce and then became physical when she was officially divorced and living on her own. There's a 15+ year age gap between us but it hasn't shown to be an issue in our relationship. She knows I'm obligated to my wife and kids and doesn't expect me to leave my wife, but I do feel guilty that I can't give her true commitment.

Hello and welcome. It’s nice to have a male join us on here. I see there used to be a few on here years ago but none in the past year since I joined the site. An EMR can be an exciting, yet isolating space to navigate so you’re in the right place. How long have you two been involved if I may ask?

[OUrania]

She says she doesn't want any additional commitment from me beyond what our relationship is currently, but she gets upset when I can't find the time for her and she's asked if I'm still having sex with my wife. At the same time, I know she isn't in a rush to be in another relationship given her marriage didn't end on good terms. I'm older than her and it's insecurity on my part that she could lose interest in me when she feels ready to move on to someone who can be with her openly.

Just because she is saying this now doesn't mean it will remain the same.

As feelings become deeper and your relationship changes she might very well want a relationship with you.  People tend to get more attached emotionally as time goes on.

Of course she would like more time with you and she will want to know what happens between you and your wife..

Be prepared for anything..... I wasn't and neither was my xMM. 

Look forward to reading a male persepective.  We have had a few on this site over the years but you are a rare species on here.
Ourania.

[rozay]

She says she doesn't want any additional commitment from me beyond what our relationship is currently, but she gets upset when I can't find the time for her and she's asked if I'm still having sex with my wife. At the same time, I know she isn't in a rush to be in another relationship given her marriage didn't end on good terms. I'm older than her and it's insecurity on my part that she could lose interest in me when she feels ready to move on to someone who can be with her openly.

Hello and welcome! Your are in the right place for support. Everyone has a different unique story but we all have some things in common.

You stated that you started as an emotional bond and it has now become physical. You have no intentions of leaving your wife and family and your coworker does not expect anything other than what your current relationship is already at. You feel guilty about not giving your coworker more of a commitment and have some fear about the relationship ending due to her wanting something more open with someone else. Am I understanding that correctly?

If so, it can be hard navigating the dynamic of the relationship with your coworker even if you've had open discussions, because like others have stated, sometimes feelings change and you have to be aware of every possibility that could happen. While she may be okay with the dynamic of your situation currently, that comfortability may change. She may start to become frustrated by her desire for more time with you not being fulfilled. Or she may become more invested in your relationship that she may not be okay with you two being physical if you are still sexually active with your wife. It can be difficult managing two people's needs at once. If you seek one, the other may lack. It's especially difficult to manage and understand if you have never had a past experience in an EMR. 

Some questions I will pose to you as you navigate these feelings would be:
- If you have stated you have no intention of leaving your wife and family, and your coworker is currently okay with the dynamic of your relationship, and you feel guilty for not committing, and fear her leaving you for someone who can she can be more open with, is the fear and guilt originating from you believing she deserves a place where she can be open and explore more deeply with someone else? Yet, you'd feel saddened by her doing so. These things can coexist. 
- If she is asking about your sexual activity level with your wife, and if saddened by not having as much time with you as she'd like, how would you feel if she started to become more interested in the relationship with you, wanting something deeper?
- What were your initial feelings to her asking about your intimacy levels with your wife? Were you taken aback by her question or were you willing to provide your coworker with an honest response? If you were honest, did you leave anything out for her sake? if you did, ask yourself what made you choose that decision. Also ponder why you answered honestly. One's motivation or intention via response can shine a lot of light onto how they are feeling subconsciously. 

These are questions posed for you. If you choose to reflect upon the answers with us, go for it. If not, these are for you to help navigate these new feelings. We are here for you either way!

I'm glad you came for some support. What is it that you are looking for within this support group? Advice, support, a listening ear, validation? Let us know so we can support you the best we can. Wishing you the best on your journey. 

Be prepared for some things not going according to how you envisioned, because it is bound to happen one way or another.

[HappyAgain]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want from this site other than to vent and get my thoughts out to people who can relate. I've been married for over 20 years and never ch----d or had an EMR until my coworker. I'm honestly not sure why I let it cross the line.

We've been coworkers for over five years and the emotional connection started over two years ago. We've been physical for about a year now. 

You're right Rozay. I feel guilty that our relationship isn't balanced. I do feel that she should be able to date men who are openly and entirely available to her but I also don't want to lose our relationship. She says that our dynamic works for her but I don't entirely believe her and that could just be my own projection onto her. I don't see her asking for something deeper or more concrete because she knows I'm not leaving my wife and kids. She's noble in the sense that she wouldn't want my family to break up.

I was shocked that she asked about intimacy with my wife but I didn't hold back because there's nothing to hide. My coworker and I are more sexually active than I am with my wife, which I've told her. She was honest about not liking that she has to share me but understands I can't stop having sex with my wife.

[Brigit]

I can relate to almost everything you wrote except we are both married and neither is leaving the family. I’d just urge you not to assume things about her, but to ask her instead and believe the answer until/unless you have reasons for doubting her.

[Sunshinechica]

Happy I think that you will find people with a lot of similarities and also differences. 
Everyone shares from their experience. Because that's what they know. 

Your OW may be telling the truth when she says she is ok where the relationship is. Or she may actually want more but is saying that knowing you arent going to leave. 
The problem is we arent mind readers. Again can only share from own experience so can't tell you what she is really thinking. 
I think the fact she asked if you and your W are intimate is because it might bother or hurt her if you are. 

My EMR started when I was M and he was engaged. 
I got divorced and he got married. And it went on for about 6 yrs. I said I was happy where I was. That I didn't need more. That wasn't the honest truth. I was, because I wanted him and knew he wasn't going to leave. At some point I decided I didn't want that anymore and ended it. 
I now am in an open relationship and that suits me much better. 

I think you will find kind of 3 scenarios. 
Some people have 1 person who's single and 1 married at some point someone wants more and it ends. 
Some couples 1 or both are married and stay long term EMR.
Or 1 or both get divorced and move into an open relationship. 
They all have their difficulties or benefits. 

If you stay engaged and read others stories. I think you will get some good insight.

[Brigit]

I agree with SunshineChica, there ar many different people and scenarios…

I don’t want OMM to leave, because I cannot leave (and frankly wouldn’t want to hurt my husband and kids for anything)…. I couldn’t give OMM a family life that I know he loves and lives for. As much as he complains about some aspects, he loves his family unit, as I do mine. If I were to change my mind, I *would* tell him. The stereotype is that women want men to leave their families for them but it’s not always the case. That’s why I was saying trust her unless you have reason not to…

[rozay]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want from this site other than to vent and get my thoughts out to people who can relate. I've been married for over 20 years and never ch----d or had an EMR until my coworker. I'm honestly not sure why I let it cross the line.

We've been coworkers for over five years and the emotional connection started over two years ago. We've been physical for about a year now. 

You're right Rozay. I feel guilty that our relationship isn't balanced. I do feel that she should be able to date men who are openly and entirely available to her but I also don't want to lose our relationship. She says that our dynamic works for her but I don't entirely believe her and that could just be my own projection onto her. I don't see her asking for something deeper or more concrete because she knows I'm not leaving my wife and kids. She's noble in the sense that she wouldn't want my family to break up.

I was shocked that she asked about intimacy with my wife but I didn't hold back because there's nothing to hide. My coworker and I are more sexually active than I am with my wife, which I've told her. She was honest about not liking that she has to share me but understands I can't stop having sex with my wife.

Thank you for clarifying what support you're looking for and the dynamic between everyone involved. I think sometimes it helps just to talk with people who understand in some way, shape, or form. That was my biggest struggle when i first started seeing MM. This site has been a lifeline for me because people have experience in EMR, etc. so they get it and have great insight whether it's the same situation or different. I hope this site serves you in the same way. Balancing may never get easier because you care for both BW and OW. One way or the other, it may never seem balanced. It always will come with something. In my experience with MM and his BW, we saw each other almost everyday, but it was starting to cause issues in him home with BW, intimacy being the biggest thing. Once me and MM were intimate, he was no longer intimate with BW. When he would travel with BW, I would understand, but still feel awful that he was gne even though we stayed in contact during those times. The balance in my situation was different than most- I saw him every single day at some point for hours. Most do not get the luxury of that time as the OW, or quite the opposite, some unfortunately do not get that time with MM as the BW. Depends what side of the spectrum you are on.

I say all this to say that balance may never truly be found in the way that fits all parties needs and wants. It's hard to prioritize when both BW and OW mean something to you. It is inevitable and uncontrollable without some consequences. Try to keep your head up, it's hard. 

I'm glad that you and OW have had those harder conversations. I will warn that sometimes one may say something but feel another. Before MM and BW separated and we became BF/GF, I would say I was okay with things that I wasn't because i knew there was no resolve for me. I wanted more, he did too but was tied in his marriage so he needed time to figure it out. I was willing to give it (in a sense) but I was also not willing to give a lot but I didn't tell him that. That was toward the beginning when we were avoiding the hard conversations but once we started really engaging in conversations about the elephant in the room (i.e. BW), then I started to open up more and wasn't scared to hold back my own feelings about certain things. This helped us communicate better and helped him understand my perspective more which in turn, helped our EMR (now official relationship). 

While you have stated that you have no intention of leaving your family and OW is aware of that, be mindful of balancing... too much balance to OW can be risky. That is what happened with my situation. BW found out and asked for a divorce due unknown whereabouts etc. when he was with me. Not at all how we wanted it to go down. It was exhausting emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I'm not saying this to scare you, but for you to be aware of the risks. When you're happy in the EMR and at home, it can feel like the two will never cross paths or you no longer consider the risks. That's what happened in my situation and right when the EMR became comfortable, BW found out and all hell broke loose. Always consider the risks. If you are happy at home and are not intending on leaving, be careful and remember what matters most to you and what is worth it to you. 

While xMM and I are SO happy in our relationship and this is everything we wanted for us, it came with a lot of confusion and sadness starting out as the OW.

I hope my experience can you some insight on her her potential position as the OW, and for you in general. Wishing you the best!