[split] Single woman, married man and breadcrumbs

[greengirl]

Hello all,

Never done this on a forum before. Trying to sort out where I am now emotionally and where I need to go from here. I've been involved with a MM 9 years now. Longest relationship I've ever had. I've struggled with this for a long time. His wife knows me, it's I guess what a lot of ppl would call an "open relationship" or parallel relationship; his with his wife and with me. But it is not something I want long term. He knows this, he's heard it a million times from me. But I don't see it changing. I don't feel he's going to change anything in his life; he's fine w/ the status quo. 

This isn't their first rodeo with this; they have had other trysts with a 3rd person (woman) before but not long term like this. In some poly relationships I believe we'd be referred to as a V.

What hurts is how I've told him for years how I can't keep going on this way. "If you can't change it, you either deal with it or leave it" is what I usually hear and read. I'm also seeing a therapist. Just wondering if anyone else has had this experience.

[Sandrine]

Hello all,

Never done this on a forum before. Trying to sort out where I am now emotionally and where I need to go from here. I've been involved with a MM 9 years now. Longest relationship I've ever had. I've struggled with this for a long time. His wife knows me, it's I guess what a lot of ppl would call an "open relationship" or parallel relationship; his with his wife and with me. But it is not something I want long term. He knows this, he's heard it a million times from me. But I don't see it changing. I don't feel he's going to change anything in his life; he's fine w/ the status quo. 

This isn't their first rodeo with this; they have had other trysts with a 3rd person (woman) before but not long term like this. In some poly relationships I believe we'd be referred to as a V.

What hurts is how I've told him for years how I can't keep going on this way. "If you can't change it, you either deal with it or leave it" is what I usually hear and read. I'm also seeing a therapist. Just wondering if anyone else has had this experience.

Greengirl,

What is it ideally that you would want him to do?

[Sandrine]

Hi everyone.  New here and looking for a safe place to process some complicated feelings regarding my first love.  Our history goes back decades.  We’ve been in a “situationship” for 17 years now. He’s been married for many years and he’s going to stay that way
Lately I’m dealing with a slow fade and low effort, breadcrumbs. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m just a booty call. He’s done the slow fade in the past and he’s come around when I’ve addressed my concerns with him
this last time I didn’t hear from them for a few weeks so I texted him to make sure that he was OK and he texted back and apologized and said he was very busy with work and some projects, but didn’t mention anything about getting in touch with me.
I’m really struggling with wanting his validation and resisting the urge to reel him back in like I usually do.
I just don’t want these breadcrumbs anymore, and I’m not sure if I’ve strong enough to cut the cord
I joined this form to break the isolation and connect with others who share this specific kind of grief.

Suncharell,

I am in similar but am technically married and in an EMR with a MM for 8 years now.  It is challenging emotionally.
 17 years is a long time!  What were you looking for the EMR to become, if anything more than it has been?

[greengirl]

Greengirl,

What is it ideally that you would want him to do?

It's funny bc it's evolved for me. What I "had" wanted, was for him to leave his wife and be with me only. I have no problem with them still being friends. TBH there have been so many things over the past few years that have become so tiring, so many barriers; it's not all about just the married part anymore. I feel at this point IF he were to be with only me, I'd want to start all over again somewhere else, just us, in another county. I just don't think he has the ability to let go of anyone or anything that's become status quo for him..... I think it's his personality. He doesn't want to let either of us go.

[MissFabulous]

It's funny bc it's evolved for me. What I "had" wanted, was for him to leave his wife and be with me only. I have no problem with them still being friends. TBH there have been so many things over the past few years that have become so tiring, so many barriers; it's not all about just the married part anymore. I feel at this point IF he were to be with only me, I'd want to start all over again somewhere else, just us, in another county. I just don't think he has the ability to let go of anyone or anything that's become status quo for him..... I think it's his personality. He doesn't want to let either of us go.

Hello,
I think it would be very hard for anybody a make a completely clean start after many years in a relationship.  For men, I think it's  a lot about security and  his image in the community.  

If you did start over in a new country, he would feel lost and probably you would too. YOur new relationship could fail because of it.

JUst some thoughts from a very old brain.

OUrania.

[Emilyj]

It's funny bc it's evolved for me. What I "had" wanted, was for him to leave his wife and be with me only. I have no problem with them still being friends. TBH there have been so many things over the past few years that have become so tiring, so many barriers; it's not all about just the married part anymore. I feel at this point IF he were to be with only me, I'd want to start all over again somewhere else, just us, in another county. I just don't think he has the ability to let go of anyone or anything that's become status quo for him..... I think it's his personality. He doesn't want to let either of us go.

Welcome, yes it's interesting how things evolve.

Over a decade for me and I was desperate for him to leave BW and be with me only. Now, I still want him to leave BW and be with me only BUT, after all this time living on my own, I'm not sure that I would want him to live with me full-time. It feels like too much water has gone under the bridge. I love him dearly but because he's left me living on my own for so long, I'm not sure he deserves for me to become his housekeeper if it suited him to leave BW and, if I am am honest, I don't want to be. I used to be the perfect wife and wanted to become his perfect wife but I am fed up of waiting around. I wouldn't marry him now, although I would still hope to be the only woman in his life at some point and for us to have a public relationship and share in each other's lives properly.

I think it really is hard for men to take action to be honest, hence why it's easier for some of our men to just sit with the status quo. After all, they are getting what they want- good sex and friendship on one side, keeping their family, home and status on the other. What's not to like for them?!

I am not convinced that your MM does not want to let either of you go, I think it just suits him to keep both of you.....

[MissFabulous]

Welcome, yes it's interesting how things evolve.

Over a decade for me and I was desperate for him to leave BW and be with me only. Now, I still want him to leave BW and be with me only BUT, after all this time living on my own, I'm not sure that I would want him to live with me full-time. It feels like too much water has gone under the bridge. I love him dearly but because he's left me living on my own for so long, I'm not sure he deserves for me to become his housekeeper if it suited him to leave BW and, if I am am honest, I don't want to be. I used to be the perfect wife and wanted to become his perfect wife but I am fed up of waiting around. I wouldn't marry him now, although I would still hope to be the only woman in his life at some point and for us to have a public relationship and share in each other's lives properly.

I think it really is hard for men to take action to be honest, hence why it's easier for some of our men to just sit with the status quo. After all, they are getting what they want- good sex and friendship on one side, keeping their family, home and status on the other. What's not to like for them?!

I am not convinced that your MM does not want to let either of you go, I think it just suits him to keep both of you.....

I don't think I ever  actually wanted to marry xMM or live with him.   All I really wanted was an open relationship without the secrecy. I suppose to a degree the A suited me also because I had a lot of other things in my own life.  I suspect there could be many OW who feel the same,

Ourania

[greengirl]

Yah I'm with you on the "not sure about living with him full time" thing..... we are both in our fifties (his wife is some years older). He is not here most of the time anyway due to a job he's been on since last year.... both of us only see him weekends. Which of course means, I only get him for half of that. 

So yes, I don't know how well it would even work out anymore living together full time. But the fact remains, I've been breadcrumbed for years now....as has she. And whether I eventually move or find someone new, at least I'd have my own life again OR someone who may want to be with only me.

But he will not make it easy for me if I decide to leave. I've tried to tell him numerous times we can just stay friends.....that's how we began. We rarely have sex anymore; too many things on his plate and I'm postmenopausal lol. SO that's not been a factor for quite a while.

IDK, I love him but I am also tired of feeling like I'm living someone else's life on someone else's preferences. Ya know?

Edited for TMI (too much information)

Welcome, yes it's interesting how things evolve.

Over a decade for me and I was desperate for him to leave BW and be with me only. Now, I still want him to leave BW and be with me only BUT, after all this time living on my own, I'm not sure that I would want him to live with me full-time. It feels like too much water has gone under the bridge. I love him dearly but because he's left me living on my own for so long, I'm not sure he deserves for me to become his housekeeper if it suited him to leave BW and, if I am am honest, I don't want to be. I used to be the perfect wife and wanted to become his perfect wife but I am fed up of waiting around. I wouldn't marry him now, although I would still hope to be the only woman in his life at some point and for us to have a public relationship and share in each other's lives properly.

I think it really is hard for men to take action to be honest, hence why it's easier for some of our men to just sit with the status quo. After all, they are getting what they want- good sex and friendship on one side, keeping their family, home and status on the other. What's not to like for them?!

I am not convinced that your MM does not want to let either of you go, I think it just suits him to keep both of you.....

[Emilyj]

Yah I'm with you on the "not sure about living with him full time" thing..... we are both in our fifties (his wife is some years older. He is not here most of the time anyway due to a job he's been on since last year.... both of us only see him weekends. Which of course means, I only get him for half of that. 

So yes, I don't know how well it would even work out anymore living together full time. But the fact remains, I've been breadcrumbed for years now....as has she. And whether I eventually move or find someone new, at least I'd have my own life again OR someone who may want to be with only me.

But he will not make it easy for me if I decide to leave. I've tried to tell him numerous times we can just stay friends.....that's how we began. We rarely have sex anymore; too many things on his plate and I'm postmenopausal lol. SO that's not been a factor for quite a while.

IDK, I love him but I am also tired of feeling like I'm living someone else's life on someone else's preferences. Ya know?

I do know. I absolutely get this. It's like a half life and a life which we are allowing someone else to control. An image of an old-fashioned puppet with strings comes to mind.

So I guess we need to ponder on how we reclaim that power and control over our life.

But it's not easy when we love them, is it?

Sending love x