11-13-2013, 12:49 PM
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the affair is discovered. Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse simply can't keep up the "double life" any longer and tells their spouse. Sometimes the single affair partner tells the "betrayed" spouse. Whichever way, "Discovery Day" or "DDay" as it is often called, can be very traumatic.
In most cases, the "betrayed" spouse will be very hurt, surprised, angered and even irrational. This is normal. There are many support forums you can read to find out about their reactions, if you are interested. But chances are, things will not be the same once your affair is discovered.
Typical things to expect include:
* the "betrayed" spouse threatens the unfaithful spouse with all manner of punishments, including loss of their home, income / assets, and loss of access to their children. Unless they dump their affair partner, instantly. If you are the unfaithful spouse, and you had not planned to leave the marriage, or were planning to but were not yet ready, or don't really know what you want, this can be terrifying. In many, perhaps even most, cases, the unfaithful spouse will agree to the demands, simply to buy more time to figure out what they really want.
* if you are the lover of the unfaithful spouse, usually you will find out about the discovery only at this point. You will feel confused, hurt, excluded - and completely in the dark. Your lover, in trying to buy time, may send you a "no contact" text, or email, or may phone you and tell you in a voice you hardly recognise that the affair is over, that s/he is choosing to stay married, and that you are not to contact them at all. At this point, you will typically feel as if a train just ran over you. How could the person who loved you, who seconds earlier was wanting to move mountains for you, do this to you?
* if you are the unfaithful spouse, the interrogation will begin. You will be asked interminable questions about the affair, about your lover, about your intentions, and about why you "wanted to hurt" your spouse so cruelly. Your spouse will not understand that you did not engage in the affair to hurt them. They feel hurt, and will assume that that was your intention, and they will likely try to strike back and hurt you. They will also make demands of you that are likely to be unreasonable, such as that you move out immediately, that you cease contact with your lover, that you sign up for marriage counselling and that you jump through every hoop they dredge up to prove to them that you are worthy of being allowed back. Whatever you do or say is unlikely to be good enough at this point. They are hurt. They want you to feel hurt too. Or... They may simply collapse in a heap of tears, begging you not to leave, begging you to think of the children.
* if you are the lover, you may be stalked, confronted or harassed by the spouse. Your family and your job may be considered fair game. Your reputation may be publicly assaulted, and your privacy invaded. You may need recourse to the police, the courts, or other systems to protect yourself and your loved ones. Or you may hear nothing at all. There is no way of knowing in advance.
* if you are the unfaithful spouse, you may choose at this point to reconcile with your spouse, and may feel bad about having hurt your lover. Or you may feel more committed to your lover than ever, but trapped in an out-of-control situation that won't allow you to leave your marriage without further trauma. Or you may feel uncertain what is best, and look desperately for solutions.
* if you are the lover, you may find that once things settle down your lover contacts you once more, hoping to resume the affair. Or you may never hear from them again. Or, you may assume after months of silence that they are happily reconciled, only to have them arrive on your doorstep, with a suitcase. All, and any, outcomes have been known. But you need to decide what it is _you_ want, and how best to achieve that.
Whichever way it is for you, you're likely to find some of us who've been through it before. Whether sharing stories, looking for advice, or simply a virtual hug and some virtual cupcakes to help you feel less alone, you're likely to find a safe space here where we listen, share, cry, laugh, but don't judge. Welcome to our forum!
In most cases, the "betrayed" spouse will be very hurt, surprised, angered and even irrational. This is normal. There are many support forums you can read to find out about their reactions, if you are interested. But chances are, things will not be the same once your affair is discovered.
Typical things to expect include:
* the "betrayed" spouse threatens the unfaithful spouse with all manner of punishments, including loss of their home, income / assets, and loss of access to their children. Unless they dump their affair partner, instantly. If you are the unfaithful spouse, and you had not planned to leave the marriage, or were planning to but were not yet ready, or don't really know what you want, this can be terrifying. In many, perhaps even most, cases, the unfaithful spouse will agree to the demands, simply to buy more time to figure out what they really want.
* if you are the lover of the unfaithful spouse, usually you will find out about the discovery only at this point. You will feel confused, hurt, excluded - and completely in the dark. Your lover, in trying to buy time, may send you a "no contact" text, or email, or may phone you and tell you in a voice you hardly recognise that the affair is over, that s/he is choosing to stay married, and that you are not to contact them at all. At this point, you will typically feel as if a train just ran over you. How could the person who loved you, who seconds earlier was wanting to move mountains for you, do this to you?
* if you are the unfaithful spouse, the interrogation will begin. You will be asked interminable questions about the affair, about your lover, about your intentions, and about why you "wanted to hurt" your spouse so cruelly. Your spouse will not understand that you did not engage in the affair to hurt them. They feel hurt, and will assume that that was your intention, and they will likely try to strike back and hurt you. They will also make demands of you that are likely to be unreasonable, such as that you move out immediately, that you cease contact with your lover, that you sign up for marriage counselling and that you jump through every hoop they dredge up to prove to them that you are worthy of being allowed back. Whatever you do or say is unlikely to be good enough at this point. They are hurt. They want you to feel hurt too. Or... They may simply collapse in a heap of tears, begging you not to leave, begging you to think of the children.
* if you are the lover, you may be stalked, confronted or harassed by the spouse. Your family and your job may be considered fair game. Your reputation may be publicly assaulted, and your privacy invaded. You may need recourse to the police, the courts, or other systems to protect yourself and your loved ones. Or you may hear nothing at all. There is no way of knowing in advance.
* if you are the unfaithful spouse, you may choose at this point to reconcile with your spouse, and may feel bad about having hurt your lover. Or you may feel more committed to your lover than ever, but trapped in an out-of-control situation that won't allow you to leave your marriage without further trauma. Or you may feel uncertain what is best, and look desperately for solutions.
* if you are the lover, you may find that once things settle down your lover contacts you once more, hoping to resume the affair. Or you may never hear from them again. Or, you may assume after months of silence that they are happily reconciled, only to have them arrive on your doorstep, with a suitcase. All, and any, outcomes have been known. But you need to decide what it is _you_ want, and how best to achieve that.
Whichever way it is for you, you're likely to find some of us who've been through it before. Whether sharing stories, looking for advice, or simply a virtual hug and some virtual cupcakes to help you feel less alone, you're likely to find a safe space here where we listen, share, cry, laugh, but don't judge. Welcome to our forum!
