Posts: 29
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2023
I am just finding this forum after closing the chapter on a over 5 year affair (break in the middle). We are both married and were caught both times by our spouses. I did try to reconcile with my husband after the first D-Day- went NC and did intensive IC and MC. Over time, defenses wore down for all parties and we reconnected because everything felt unfinished. I was ready to leave my husband, AP couldn’t commit to a timeline and then we got caught again destroying everything around us. Our children now know as well as both spouses. After he couldn’t pick me as the one he wanted after a second discovery, I knew I had to be done with the relationship. The pain feels unbearable at times but I also feel liberated from always feeling less than and not a priority. The I love you’s no longer have merit. The you are the one I want but am not sure I can leave the kids lies don’t register. I am walking away from all relationships humiliated, broken-hearted but resolute to never hurt another partner through infidelity nor accept cr***s ever again. This is the start of my journey as the healer of my own heart.
Posts: 4,926
Threads: 64
Joined: Oct 2011
I'm sorry you seem to have suffered in the extramarital relationship. It may help you not to have a negative view of EMRs in general, that usually leads to bitterness. I presume there were reasons you felt your needs were not met in the relationship. That can be the case in all kinds of relationships, and is not specific for EMRs. It is helpful to realize what is specific for EMRs in general and what is specific for your relationship and your MP in particular.
There is often a sense of liberation once you have decided to end a relationship. Go for it! Take care of you! We will support you on your way forward!
Lance
Gwen
Posts: 29
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2023
Thank you for your insight. You are right that it was hard to tease out what what wrong with the relationship as a whole versus what was due to the specific nature of it being an EMR. For me I think I just realized, I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t wholeheartedly want me. I could not stand to feel like I was not loved enough to be picked or the consolation prize if his wife decided to leave him post affair. I realized I could never be in any type of triangulated relationship anymore. I only want one partner in my life moving forward and if that one partnership doesn’t work for whatever reason, I will end it honestly and move on. I can’t ever be the OW or be with a MM again. My view on EMR at this point is really how unhealthy they are for all parties.
Posts: 4,926
Threads: 64
Joined: Oct 2011
(02-01-2023, 01:14 PM)finallydone Wrote: My view on EMR at this point is really how unhealthy they are for all parties.
You're generalizing again.
I healed so much during my EMR. My MM was so supportive and understanding. My prior relationship was with an abusive man and the amount of healing the EMR brought me was unfathomable. For my MM it let him find himself again after having lost himself in the marriage only being a good husband and father and not caring for himself.
So whether an EMR is unhealthy or not depends on the participants of the EMR and the specific relationship in question. But I can understand if your view is that you never want to have an EMR again, that is for you to choose what is best in your specific case.
Lance
Gwen
Posts: 29
Threads: 5
Joined: Jan 2023
I don’t want to come across as saying all EMRs are unhealthy or bad. I just have learned they are unhealthy for ME based on what I need in relationships. Your relationship sounds like a much different experience and one that healed and grew you both which is wonderful.
Posts: 4,926
Threads: 64
Joined: Oct 2011
Thank you. Yes, our experiences differ which is why we need to be careful not to make generalizations when they are not justified.
Lance
Gwen
Posts: 22,585
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
I thoroughly enjoyed the very long term relationship that I had with my xMM. I too found so much healing there. I never felt second or unchosen. In fact, we both chose each other every day of our 17 years together. What a gift it was.
I do hope you do what is best for you, whether that’s inside or outside of an EMR.
No regrets
Posts: 49
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2023
Good luck. I’m also trying to heal/ comprehend the end after a long term R with a MM. I’m not married myself (was separated when we started) but it’s hard to break up and do it in such a private manner without the usual friends and family support.
Posts: 414
Threads: 14
Joined: Apr 2023
I'm so sorry to hear this. And it worried me for myself also.. stay strong as the future holds many things we aren't certain of...
