Isolated in these feelings

[Blondebeauty]

Hello, I’m new here. 
I found this site out of feelings of desperation. I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to about this. 

I’m in love, deeply deeply, head over heels in love with a married man. 
We’ve been together for about a year and a half now. We’ve been living together for about 7months. 
His wife lives across the country, but they are not really “separated”. He has been telling me that he’s trying to separate from her in an amicable way. They have kids together. Ones 16 and lives with the mom across the country. He wants to handle the situation delicately to protect the children from finding out and to be able to continue successfully coparent. 
I’m very understanding and empathetic, to my own detriment. 
I fear he will never leave her, or that he will drag this out for years and years.  

Him and I have talked about a future together- marriage, children. 
I don’t want to loose him 
But I hate the position I’m in. 


He’s currently across the country visiting them to see his son for his birthday. 
I know he will be sleeping in the same bed as his wife. He says they don’t have sex, but I am still nervous about it. 
I feel sick.

[Foreternity]

I get where you are coming from. I myself was once a MM and I didn't want my BW to find any clues of who I was seeing and what has transpired. I didn't care she knew I was seeing someone else, I cared she would find out who and why. I didn't want to tarnish my MW name OR our relationship in hopes of a future together. I waited until she had enough strength to leave and had a safe place for the children, It took a while yes. If it helps you feel better I lived miserable for over 2 years sleeping on a sofa, no kissing, no hugging, no photos together or family photos even. And definitely no intercourse if any kind, I never wanted to get her hope that we can fix it. In the end I'd look like a monster using her for her body and prolonging the end for what?

What makes you think they will sleep in the same bed together? Or touch one another? Men are very different than Women sure but still. Has he ever given you reason to think this stuff?

Also welcome I hope you find what your looking for here. I'm a previously MM( married man) now a OM (other man) practically single. I changed my life around, for the better. Don't lose hope

[AbbieP71]

Welcome to TS! Great place for support. You will find everyone has a different situation that they are going thru. Are they loving "seperately" due to one of their jobs at the moment? In the last 7 months you guys have been living together he's not ever gone back home? She's not ever come out to visit him?

[OUrania]

Hello, I’m new here. 
I found this site out of feelings of desperation. I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to about this. 

I’m in love, deeply deeply, head over heels in love with a married man. 
We’ve been together for about a year and a half now. We’ve been living together for about 7months. 
His wife lives across the country, but they are not really “separated”. He has been telling me that he’s trying to separate from her in an amicable way. They have kids together. Ones 16 and lives with the mom across the country. He wants to handle the situation delicately to protect the children from finding out and to be able to continue successfully coparent. 
I’m very understanding and empathetic, to my own detriment. 
I fear he will never leave her, or that he will drag this out for years and years.  

Him and I have talked about a future together- marriage, children. 
I don’t want to loose him 
But I hate the position I’m in. 


He’s currently across the country visiting them to see his son for his birthday. 
I know he will be sleeping in the same bed as his wife. He says they don’t have sex, but I am still nervous about it. 
I feel sick.

He's dreaming . Of course the kids will find out and they will get over it eventually or not.  Do not let it drag out for years if you have different plans.

O

[Blondebeauty]

I get where you are coming from. I myself was once a MM and I didn't want my BW to find any clues of who I was seeing and what has transpired. I didn't care she knew I was seeing someone else, I cared she would find out who and why. I didn't want to tarnish my MW name OR our relationship in hopes of a future together. I waited until she had enough strength to leave and had a safe place for the children, It took a while yes. If it helps you feel better I lived miserable for over 2 years sleeping on a sofa, no kissing, no hugging, no photos together or family photos even. And definitely no intercourse if any kind, I never wanted to get her hope that we can fix it. In the end I'd look like a monster using her for her body and prolonging the end for what?

What makes you think they will sleep in the same bed together? Or touch one another? Men are very different than Women sure but still. Has he ever given you reason to think this stuff?

Also welcome I hope you find what your looking for here. I'm a previously MM( married man) now a OM (other man) practically single. I changed my life around, for the better. Don't lose hope







He has told me that when he visits they sleep in the same bed. But He said that they separate from each other with pillows in between. 

[Blondebeauty]

Welcome to TS! Great place for support. You will find everyone has a different situation that they are going thru. Are they loving "seperately" due to one of their jobs at the moment? In the last 7 months you guys have been living together he's not ever gone back home? She's not ever come out to visit him?





Yes, they are living separately due to their jobs. 
She has not come to visit him. 
He has visited her and their son 4 times. 

[Blondebeauty]

I’m sorry if I’m not replying the right way. 
I’m still trying to figure the site out.

[Sandrine]

We’ve been together for about a year and a half now. We’ve been living together for about 7months. 
His wife lives across the country, but they are not really “separated”. He has been telling me that he’s trying to separate from her in an amicable way. They have kids together. Ones 16 and lives with the mom across the country. He wants to handle the situation delicately to protect the children from finding out and to be able to continue successfully coparent. 
I’m very understanding and empathetic, to my own detriment. 
I fear he will never leave her, or that he will drag this out for years and years.  

I know he will be sleeping in the same bed as his wife. He says they don’t have sex, but I am still nervous about it. 
I feel sick.

Hi Blondebeauty,
Welcome  from another newer member.  It's very hard to be in an EMR and especially for a single woman.  You said you are living together?  Is his wife aware, where does she think he lives?   If you and he are living together, why is he going to be sleeping in same bed as his BW?

Everyone's situation is different, but do you feel you have open, truthful communication with your MM?  IMO we all need to make our needs known, and if that situation of him sleeping in same bed as wife makes you uncomfortable, can you share that?

[Blondebeauty]

Hi Blondebeauty,
Welcome  from another newer member.  It's very hard to be in an EMR and especially for a single woman.  You said you are living together?  Is his wife aware, where does she think he lives?   If you and he are living together, why is he going to be sleeping in same bed as his BW?

Everyone's situation is different, but do you feel you have open, truthful communication with your MM?  IMO we all need to make our needs known, and if that situation of him sleeping in same bed as wife makes you uncomfortable, can you share that?



Yes, we live together. 
She just thinks he lives alone. She doesn’t come visit him. 
She lives across the country with their son for her job. 
They sleep in the same bed when he visits them. He says that they separate from each other with a wall of pillows. He says that they sleep in the same bed because of their son. So he doesn’t think anything is up. He also wears his wedding ring when he visits. He doesn’t wear it around me. 
I have told him them sleeping together makes me uncomfortable but he assures me they don’t even touch or kiss or anything. 

[Unsure]

If it makes you feel better I was married before and my ex and I slept in the same bed for YEARS without kissing or sex. I hated him,  he would try but nah. I think we had sex maybe 2 times in the last 6 years of our marriage, no romantic feelings whatsoever.

I actually tried to initiate divorce years before that but he begged and raged over it so I never brought it up again. I was scared of his abuse. eventually I grew as a person and learned that i didn’t need to put up with his abuse. then we were living as roommates as I was game planning how to leave. The moment he realized he lost his control over me and I was no longer afraid of him there was a major shift and he brought up divorce and I was like what a good idea. 

Also what is he waiting for??? Is he worried he will lose his kids fully? I know a lot of men are but certain states really have changed that men get parental rights too.

[Foreternity]

If it makes you feel better I was married before and my ex and I slept in the same bed for YEARS without kissing or sex. I hated him,  he would try but nah. I think we had sex maybe 2 times in the last 6 years of our marriage, no romantic feelings whatsoever.

Nice to read. And by that I mean to see people actually truthful to their word. It's a relief, I was the same for 2 years I hated the thought even.

[Blondebeauty]

If it makes you feel better I was married before and my ex and I slept in the same bed for YEARS without kissing or sex. I hated him,  he would try but nah. I think we had sex maybe 2 times in the last 6 years of our marriage, no romantic feelings whatsoever.

I actually tried to initiate divorce years before that but he begged and raged over it so I never brought it up again. I was scared of his abuse. eventually I grew as a person and learned that i didn’t need to put up with his abuse. then we were living as roommates as I was game planning how to leave. The moment he realized he lost his control over me and I was no longer afraid of him there was a major shift and he brought up divorce and I was like what a good idea. 

Also what is he waiting for??? Is he worried he will lose his kids fully? I know a lot of men are but certain states really have changed that men get parental rights too.





Thank you for sharing that with me. 
It does make me feel a little better. I know that sleeping next to someone doesn’t necessarily mean intimacy. 
He says that he’s trying to make it a peaceful split between them. Since she is the one taking care of their younger son, he doesn’t want her to be “a mess”. He says that she’s also prone to bought a of “intense anger and rage” but hasn’t gone into much detail of what that looks like. 
He’s worried his kids will hate him if he leaves. 

[Foreternity]

I know where he's coming from. I tried to basically play victim during the separation. I didn't want my kids to grow up just like I did and blame my dad. But in the end I needed to be truthful. From my experience was, my BW wasn't very independent so it was hard to get the show on the road. She needed a "parachute" met another man and a safe place to stay for the kids. If he's a decent human which I'm sure he is, I don't think he would want to leave his child with someone who may also have issues with their mental health or providing for the child differently. There's so many factors, maybe no job, not enough financial as a single parent, no where to live (because he maybe helps pay for their place) etc. But trust me if I'm tired Id sleep anywhere, beside my BW? I mean maybe if there was just the bed left. But I opt for the sofa , and made "fibs" so we never had to be intimate. I didn't want to lead her on or damage my sex life with MW, it would tear me apart

[Foreternity]

And yes I was also worried my kids would hate me, as she promoted negativity towards me direction. It's fairly natural, but will play it's course given time. All you can do is be super supportive and just try not to give an ultimatum. If he says he will leave trust it but it's a LONG process. It took me 2 years!

[Blondebeauty]

And yes I was also worried my kids would hate me, as she promoted negativity towards me direction. It's fairly natural, but will play it's course given time. All you can do is be super supportive and just try not to give an ultimatum. If he says he will leave trust it but it's a LONG process. It took me 2 years!



Im very understanding and compassionate for all parties involved. 
It’s already been a year and a half. 
Im struggling to take care of myself in this process especially during his visits. 
I tend to get really in my head and sometimes have panic attacks. I find myself wishing myself away- I wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish I didn’t mind waiting, I wish I could just be grateful for what we have. Or maybe I wish I was thinner or prettier. And it gets negative pretty quick. 
I don’t want to leave him. I love him so much and I know that he loves me too. 
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

[Blondebeauty]

He came home today and didn’t want me to pick him up from the airport. 
He also wanted space, so I’m staying with a friend for the weekend. 
I’m feeling really rejected and pushed away.

[AbbieP71]

He came home today and didn’t want me to pick him up from the airport. 
He also wanted space, so I’m staying with a friend for the weekend. 
I’m feeling really rejected and pushed away.

I'm sorry this is happening. If you live in the same place it's unfair for him to make you stay somewhere else?? 
You said he has been to visit 4 other times. Was it like this as well those times?

[Blondebeauty]

I'm sorry this is happening. If you live in the same place it's unfair for him to make you stay somewhere else?? 
You said he has been to visit 4 other times. Was it like this as well those times?




Yes, I always get very anxious when he visits. 
A part of me thinks- is this the visit? Is this the one where he will finally leave her? And then the disappointment when it ultimately is not. 
Whenever he returns from a visit he usually withdraws and becomes distant for a few days. He says he needs to process things and that’s how he processes.

[AbbieP71]

And then things go back to normal? Have you guys talked about that?

[JustHer]

He came home today and didn’t want me to pick him up from the airport. 
He also wanted space, so I’m staying with a friend for the weekend. 
I’m feeling really rejected and pushed away.

That’s very harsh of him, surely he should go someone else to sort himself out, or is it his / their place you are staying at?