INTRODUCTIONS #4: Post HERE to Gain Further Access to the Forum

[Jen_admin]

Welcome to our forum!

I'm Jen and I was in a relationship with a married man for many years. Today we are married. For a long time I was struggling with being the other woman and in a constant tug of war between my heart and my mind. Then I found support among others who also had experience of being in an extramarital relationship. It made a world of difference and helped me navigate our relationship and understand my MM and myself better. One of the most helpful things I learned was to understand what was due to being in an EMR and what had to do with him and me as individuals.

We hope you will enjoy being a member of our community and find the support here that you are looking for.

To gain further access to our forum we ask that you post a short introduction of yourself in this thread, or in a thread of your own in this section. For security reasons the main part of our forum will not be accessible until you have done so. Your upgrade to regular member may take a minute or two. Be patient!

Once you have gained access to the support forum, we encourage you to be active posting as it is by sharing our experiences that we can help and support each other. It will also give you an opportunity to experience the support and warmth of our community.

Once again, welcome!

Jen

[Jla]

I have only read a few of the posts but I already feel like this place is full of support and good advice! I’m scared right now! I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 3 years and I’m afraid he may break it off with me cause I got upset this morning that I don’t see him enough. I just don’t want to loose him. He is the most wonderful man in the world, I have never lived a man as much as I love him. I was married for 18 years and got divorced. I was single for 5 years. Then met my current partner and if we work through this we will be going on 4 years soon. I am so emotional and have an anxious attachment style, he’s avoidant style, so when we have these disagreements I want to talk and he pulls away. I always tell him he’s very important to me, I tell him how I feel and he gets mad I think because he feels bad that I feel that way but his actions are to retreat and then hope it goes away and not talk about it. I want us to work so bad! He’s kind, caring, intelligent, funny, charismatic, strong, gorgeous, and our physical attraction is through the roof, I’ve never been so attracted to a man like I am to him and we are both close to 50 yrs old. I absolutely adore him. I always want to support his decisions and wish I could give him everything that will make him happy! Of course we are both not perfect! But I believe he is perfect for me! I just wish he wasn’t upset with me right now and I don’t know what to do. How do we get through this and make it work?  Please help! And ☺️ thank you

[Jla]

I have only read a few of the posts but I already feel like this place is full of support and good advice! I’m scared right now! I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 3 years and I’m afraid he may break it off with me cause I got upset this morning that I don’t see him enough. I just don’t want to loose him. He is the most wonderful man in the world, I have never lived a man as much as I love him. I was married for 18 years and got divorced. I was single for 5 years. Then met my current partner and if we work through this we will be going on 4 years soon. I am so emotional and have an anxious attachment style, he’s avoidant style, so when we have these disagreements I want to talk and he pulls away. I always tell him he’s very important to me, I tell him how I feel and he gets mad I think because he feels bad that I feel that way but his actions are to retreat and then hope it goes away and not talk about it. I want us to work so bad! He’s kind, caring, intelligent, funny, charismatic, strong, gorgeous, and our physical attraction is through the roof, I’ve never been so attracted to a man like I am to him and we are both close to 50 yrs old. I absolutely adore him. I always want to support his decisions and wish I could give him everything that will make him happy! Of course we are both not perfect! But I believe he is perfect for me! I just wish he wasn’t upset with me right now and I don’t know what to do. How do we get through this and make it work?  Please help! And ☺️ thank you

[Jla]

Wow! I kind of feel silly for being so emotional when I read others posts and how they are keeping their EMR going. I see my MM at least 5 days a week, and we talk every day and message each other throughout the days as well. 
my ex ch----d on me but he was also abusive and refused to work at our marriage. I filed for divorce after trying 5 different therapists and nothing working for us. The funny part was I never hated him for ch---ing but I also never loved him like a wife should. I never ch----d in my marriage tho. And I never thought I’d be the OW with a married man. 
But he has been my rock! The love of my life! And I wish I could control the pendulum swing of my emotions and fears of the possibility of loosing him. 

I think my fear stems from the understanding now that nothing in life is permanent, that I have no control over him or his feelings for me. That it is possible for him to decide he no longer wants me. But I just couldn’t bear the thought of that happening, the idea is torture to me! I feel like I’ve finally found someone good in my life, but I feel stupid too because I love him more than I have ever loved before and yet it’s not the ideal situation. It’s not as though we can just ride off into the sunset, there are obstacles…I trust him with all that I am, and I have hope for us. I believe one day we will be together. He makes me no promises because he doesn’t want to disappoint me. I’m ok with that. But we have also vowed to always be open and honest with one another and that I know he always has been! 

he messaged me this evening, I can tell he is still a little torn, being a little more quiet but he is still talking, saying goodnight and promised to message me when he wakes, so to me things seem ok. But how do I stop these roller coaster emotions on my part? Does anyone else experience this?

[Jla]

Welcome to our forum!

I'm Jen and I was in a relationship with a married man for many years. Today we are married. For a long time I was struggling with being the other woman and in a constant tug of war between my heart and my mind. Then I found support among others who also had experience of being in an extramarital relationship. It made a world of difference and helped me navigate our relationship and understand my MM and myself better. One of the most helpful things I learned was to understand what was due to being in an EMR and what had to do with him and me as individuals.

We hope you will enjoy being a member of our community and find the support here that you are looking for.

To gain further access to our forum we ask that you post a short introduction of yourself in this thread, or in a thread of your own in this section. For security reasons the main part of our forum will not be accessible until you have done so. Your upgrade to regular member may take a minute or two. Be patient!

Once you have gained access to the support forum, we encourage you to be active posting as it is by sharing our experiences that we can help and support each other. It will also give you an opportunity to experience the support and warmth of our community.

Once again, welcome!

Jen

Jen, is there a post somewhere that explains your story? You say you were at a constant tug of war for years as his OW but how did you manage exactly and how did you end up married? I am looking for hope, and to figure out how to be at peace with my own tug of war, my fears and my desire to be with him even when we cannot.

[Ocean1214]

I would also be interested in reading Jen's whole story ❤️

[Mypetsprincess]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great, so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

[AbbieP71]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great,  so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to hear this! I'm sure we have all thought about this scenario before. At least I have for sure. I'm so glad you had 15 wonderful years with him and no Days! I'm sure that doesn't help too much at the moment. Do you have any close friends that knew about your relationship that you can spend time with and talk to about this?

[Sandy]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great,  so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

Oh no! I am so sorry! This must be devastating... How are you doing?

[Harlow]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great, so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

(((((Mypetsprincess)))))

It’s hard losing someone we love, and I’m not sure if it gets any easier. We do have a new grieving section here at TS and I hope you find comfort there by sharing and receiving support.

[Mypetsprincess]

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to hear this! I'm sure we have all thought about this scenario before. At least I have for sure. I'm so glad you had 15 wonderful years with him and no Days! I'm sure that doesn't help too much at the moment. Do you have any close friends that knew about your relationship that you can spend time with and talk to about this?

I have one friend who knew, but she and I have a complicated relationship and I'm wary of leaning on her. Hence why I'm here. I know from past experience you're all so understanding!

I'm so grateful for the time we had. It was a rocky road to navigate for the first few years, but as time passed, we both realized we were blessed to have one another. I know I'll survive this, but damn it hurts!

[Mypetsprincess]

(((((Mypetsprincess)))))

It’s hard losing someone we love, and I’m not sure if it gets any easier. We do have a new grieving section here at TS and I hope you find comfort there by sharing and receiving support.

I saw that! Perhaps it's my "newer" status, but I'm not able to see a lot of the posts.

[Mypetsprincess]

Oh no! I am so sorry! This must be devastating... How are you doing?

Thanks so much for asking, Sandy. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears, but I haven't been able to cry. I started re-reading our old messages - 15 years worth - but it was too painful and had to stop. I tried to break it off a few times, so we had gone a few months of no contract. I look back now and wish I hadn't wasted the precious time we had.

One night I had a terrible dream he had died and I found out about it on Facebook. I told him my friend who knew about us had his number and he had hers, so that would never happen to him. He must have made the person who reached out to me promise to do so, which makes me love him all the more. She didn't know about our affair, but I knew she was fulfilling his wishes.

I'm glad we had spoken about the possibility in advance.

One day at a time. That's what I keep telling myself.

[Mypetsprincess]

(((((Mypetsprincess)))))

It’s hard losing someone we love, and I’m not sure if it gets any easier. We do have a new grieving section here at TS and I hope you find comfort there by sharing and receiving support.

I remember you from my last time here! Clark was your love, if I remember correctly! Thanks so much for your kind words. I look forward to catching up with everyone.

[Harlow]

I remember you from my last time here! Clark was your love, if I remember correctly! Thanks so much for your kind words. I look forward to catching up with everyone.

Yes, Gable as in Clark Gable.

Fifteen years is a long time. I suspect he’ll always have a special place in your heart.

[Sandrine]

I used to be here a lot, when my affair was in the beginning stages. Things calmed down and we had 15 happy years together. He recently died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm devastated. We were both married and I have to hide my grief. Thankfully, we never had a DD. We chatted through an app all day, every day. We always said good morning and good night. When I woke up and there was no message from him, I wasn't too worried. He went to bed early the night before, saying he didn't feel great,  so I thought perhaps he was too sick to reach out. There was radio silence all day, but I still wasn't panicked. The following morning, I received a message from a mutual friend he died, within an hour or two of our last messages. It's been ten days and I'm still in shock. Does it get any easier?

OMG, I am so sorry!   This happened to me too.  I had one EMR prior to my current, and while I loved that man, the timing was bad for me to leave my marriage for him (he was divorced).   He became too frustrated, slept with a number of other women and broke things off with me. 

He retired from his govt job and I learned he had lung cancer, seemed to do well with his treatment and had some remission, and even traveled with a woman he was seeing.
Then one day I learned through a mutual friend that he had passed away a couple of days prior.  It was a terrible shock so I understand what you are going through.  I was able to mourn him publicly as he had been a decades long friend prior to our covert relationship.

I hope you find a way to mourn him, do you know if he is being buried and you can visit his grave when no one is there?  If not, and he is cremated, perhaps go to a special place you were at together, and remember him in your way.   It is very hard when the EMR is totally secret as you have no way to mourn except very privately.    My sincere condolences to you.

[Mypetsprincess]

OMG, I am so sorry!   This happened to me too.  I had one EMR prior to my current, and while I loved that man, the timing was bad for me to leave my marriage for him (he was divorced).   He became too frustrated, slept with a number of other women and broke things off with me. 

He retired from his govt job and I learned he had lung cancer, seemed to do well with his treatment and had some remission, and even traveled with a woman he was seeing.
Then one day I learned through a mutual friend that he had passed away a couple of days prior.  It was a terrible shock so I understand what you are going through.  I was able to mourn him publicly as he had been a decades long friend prior to our covert relationship.

I hope you find a way to mourn him, do you know if he is being buried and you can visit his grave when no one is there?  If not, and he is cremated, perhaps go to a special place you were at together, and remember him in your way.   It is very hard when the EMR is totally secret as you have no way to mourn except very privately.    My sincere condolences to you.

I am able to go to a memorial for him, which is taking place soon. We knew each other a lifetime ago, but I will obviously not be able to express the depth of my grief. I've never met his wife and I'm not sure I want to at this point. We were several years into our affair when they got married. I'm not really sure what to do. Would you go? The person who told me about his death would think it odd if I didn't go and I don't want her to question my absence. Given how I've managed to hold it together this past week, I think I can go without falling apart, but I do worry about meeting his wife.

Your situation sounded difficult to navigate. Did you have any contact with him after the break up? How long was there between the breakup and his death?

Hugs from a fellow mourner.

[Sandrine]

I am able to go to a memorial for him, which is taking place soon. We knew each other a lifetime ago, but I will obviously not be able to express the depth of my grief. I've never met his wife and I'm not sure I want to at this point. We were several years into our affair when they got married. I'm not really sure what to do. Would you go? The person who told me about his death would think it odd if I didn't go and I don't want her to question my absence. Given how I've managed to hold it together this past week, I think I can go without falling apart, but I do worry about meeting his wife.

Your situation sounded difficult to navigate. Did you have any contact with him after the break up? How long was there between the breakup and his death?

Hugs from a fellow mourner.

That is good you can go, and it will help with closure even if you have to meet the BW.  Perhaps you can get off with a perfunctory "Condolences on your loss" and move on in the receiving line. 

My situation:  I tried some contact after the break up and he did not want any. He began seeing several women. Then met an older very wealthy widow and started dating her. But he was always on hookup sites.  I catfished him as another woman.  he arranged a hotel hookup, and was surprised to see me, but excited by that; we had a wild night.   Afterwards, I think he was ashamed and felt foolish. We stopped talking.

When he developed cancer I reached out just to offer support; he wanted no contact. I gave up; the last time I saw him was  6 months before he died; I went to see a play he was in, and he didn't want to talk after the show. It was sad but I he carried residual anger and could never get over it.

I was able to be public at his funeral as I knew his sister and brother in law and kids. They knew he and I had had a relationship.   Interestingly the most recent girlfriend, the wealthy widow, was not at the service. She was angry he was being cremated, and didn't attend.

[Mypetsprincess]

That is good you can go, and it will help with closure even if you have to meet the BW.  Perhaps you can get off with a perfunctory "Condolences on your loss" and move on in the receiving line. 

My situation:  I tried some contact after the break up and he did not want any. He began seeing several women. Then met an older very wealthy widow and started dating her. But he was always on hookup sites.  I catfished him as another woman.  he arranged a hotel hookup, and was surprised to see me, but excited by that; we had a wild night.   Afterwards, I think he was ashamed and felt foolish. We stopped talking.

When he developed cancer I reached out just to offer support; he wanted no contact. I gave up; the last time I saw him was  6 months before he died; I went to see a play he was in, and he didn't want to talk after the show. It was sad but I he carried residual anger and could never get over it.

I was able to be public at his funeral as I knew his sister and brother in law and kids. They knew he and I had had a relationship.   Interestingly the most recent girlfriend, the wealthy widow, was not at the service. She was angry he was being cremated, and didn't attend.

That is so sad, but nobody could say you didn't try! I'm sorry he left this life so angry. Sounds like his most recent girlfriend also had some anger issues. A match made in heaven?

I'm glad you had a "last hurrah" as it were. It sounds like a special night.

I'm hoping there will be a large number of people in attendance at the memorial. That way I can avoid BW if I need to. He's also being cremated and the service will be outdoors in a public venue, thankfully. Not sure I could handle a church or funeral home scenario right now.

[Sandrine]

That is so sad, but nobody could say you didn't try!  I'm sorry he left this life so angry. Sounds like his most recent girlfriend also had some anger issues. A match made in heaven?

I'm glad you had a "last hurrah" as it were. It sounds like a special night.

I'm hoping there will be a large number of people in attendance at the memorial. That way I can avoid BW if I need to. He's also being cremated and the service will be outdoors in a public venue, thankfully. Not sure I could handle a church or funeral home scenario right now.

MyPetPrincess, 
At the memorial service one of his friends said, "Jim found happiness with Mary at the end," and I practically burst out laughing.  James was active on sex sites until a couple of weeks before he died.

Before your MM's service, try breathing some lavender and having calming chamomile tea, it may help with any anxiety. Know that if you meet BW, she will appreciate your condolences and in a way, even if she doesn't know your relationship with her husband, you are strangely consoling one another.

One of Jim's ex-girlfriends was at the service; she knew that I'd had a relationship with him but never knew that it overlapped hers.  I would never tell her, even at his death.  We were very kind to each other.