2 years in with my manager,still no idea where we stand.

[Pinkish]

Am 26, and 6 months into my new job the affair started. Thing is I never know where we stand. He is known to do such things and got in trouble with the wife more than once. So realistically I know I may no be the only other woman. He's even confessed to me he wants to sleep with my friend/coworker. And now whenever he flirts with my coworkers it feels bad and shitty. And i feel embarrassed for feeling bad. He doesn't interact with me at work, he'll even not say good morning to me then go to a coworker and have a full on conversation about how they are. Or I'll be home sick and he can't check on me, but if said coworker looks bored he'll ask what's wrong. It's so confusing. I know the treatment sucks but I can't leave. So now, I've been giving him silent treatment becasue he's been flirting with my colleague and I don't know what am sticking around for. He'll still call me love and stuff but am just so pissed and my actions and words can show that.

[Brigit]

Welcome, first off.

Have you told him any of this? If they’re flirting openly, nothing is happening. 

I do think it’s important to take care of your heart, health and feelings though. Just because it’s an EMR, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love and respect.

You said you can’t leave. Do you want to? And if so, why can’t you?

[Pinkish]

I haven't told him because we don't talk, we can't talk about anything unless it's sexting or planning to meet up. If am having a bad day and try to talk, he'll leave the chat. Or if I confront him about something he'll be so defensive and dismissive I'll end up apologising. I can't leave because he thinks everything is fine. We'll go without talking then he'll come back as though things are perfect. And I never understand him because of the lack of communication. So a time like now when am icing him out I feel crazy for doing it because he doesn't know am doing that or why am doing it. I know its not his responsibility but i wish he could just ask me whats wrong, or he could just talk. I can't have any feelings in this especially the negative ones. He can't ask a simple how are you even after months of me checking up on him.

[Brigit]

Why are you in it? I’m not sure I see the draw.

[Violet]

Hi Pinkish, 

Welcome. I’m wondering what you’re benefiting from this? Even though there are challenges being in an EMR there has to be some need you’re getting met. Otherwise, why are you putting yourself through this? It sounds like he does not value you. His actions are showing you this. You’re sick and he doesn’t ask how you’re feeling? Not cool. Remember he can only treat you how you allow. Right now he is demonstrating a lack of respect. You choose if you want to allow it to continue. 

Violet

[Rulebender]

Pink you have very right to speak your mind and heart in this relationship.
I feel for you bcz I was in a similar emr with xmm and he was adamant that I keep things in " perspective ".

You don't need to lower yourself to him.
Are you in this just for sex or do you both discuss deeper things?

[Pinkish]

Why are you in it? I’m not sure I see the draw.

To be honest with you, I don't know either. It's not beneficial to me in any way. When it started I was at a low point and my esteem was low. So getting into the emr felt like a confidence boost.

[Pinkish]

Hi Pinkish, 

Welcome. I’m wondering what you’re benefiting from this? Even though there are challenges being in an EMR there has to be some need you’re getting met. Otherwise, why are you putting yourself through this? It sounds like he does not value you. His actions are showing you this. You’re sick and he doesn’t ask how you’re feeling? Not cool. Remember he can only treat you how you allow. Right now he is demonstrating a lack of respect. You choose if you want to allow it to continue. 

Violet

Hi Violet, am not benefitting from this. I used to think it's too much to ask for even simple conversation, at a point I would think it's me who is not trying enough or was interesting enough. Becasue why sleep with me but you'd rather talk to someone else. It's been a roller-coaster, and I have to be okay becasue he smiled at me or made some sexual joke or gesture. Its not supposed to be like this right? It shouldn't be this confusing and mentally tasking. I know emrs are not the easiest but this just feels like being used.

[Pinkish]

Pink you have very right to speak your mind and heart in this relationship. 
I feel for you bcz I was in a similar emr with xmm and he was adamant that I keep things in " perspective ".

You don't need to lower yourself to him.
Are you in this just for sex or do you both discuss deeper things?

I try to speak my mind but the few times I did, he was dismissive and defensive that I don't do that anymore. To the point I feel crazy whenever I have a concern. He doesn't like that, its as though we are in a bubble. We don't discuss deeper things, we did for a while when he was fighting with the wife but now that they are okay, its back to just sex. Before I used to reach out to him but sometimes he wouldn't respond and it would feel one sided like am forcing myself on him. Now I don't reach out as much as I feel super anxious for not knowing the kind if response I'll get. He reaches out when he wants sex.

[Mrs T]

Is that the kind of person you would want to have in your life?

He sounds like an Ahole to me.

Treat yourself better than that please.  It will  damage your self esteem and your confidence.
What is it that you see in this person who appears to be using you and disrespecting you? 

Ourania.

[Pinkish]

Is that the kind of person you would want to have in your life?

He sounds like an Ahole to me.

Treat yourself better than that please.  It will  damage your self esteem and your confidence.
What is it that you see in this person who appears to be using you and disrespecting you? 

Ourania.

I wouldn't want to be with that kind of person, and I hate to admit its done a number on my esteem. I have deluded myself to thinking he cares his own way but if am being honest with you I know he doesn't care. And maybe I have hope that he'll do that one day. I've tried getting out but when I told him I want out he gave a bunch of excuses and said things are not the way I think they are. That we are okay and am not forcing things on him. But I don't know what I see in him and why it's hard to leave.

[Brigit]

Pinkish, when we are intimate with someone, our brains are flooded with love chemicals: endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin and vasopressin In particular are powerful bonding hormones, it’s what nature gave us to ensure people stuck around long enough to raise their kids together. They are essentially drugs and they are addictive. As the saying goes, love is blind and it does cloud your judgement. You are wise to be here seeking advice, having recognized that your emotions don’t match your intellectual response to this person, which is “wtf.” The way to get clarity is to stop all communication except what is the minimum needed for your job (and then only about the job, as limited as possible). Ideally you would go 100% no contact. If you can, please consider getting another job to get some distance. Once all contact is stopped for a few months, you will feel slightly better, and with more time, even better. Only then will you be able to fully rationally evaluate the situation. It does sound like he is a jerk who doesn’t value you. I’m sure he has some kind of charisma but he is/was preying on you when you were down.
EMR or not, this type of guy is a bad idea, and the longer you stay, the uglier it gets. The worst part is that being in a toxic relationship has long term consequences for your self esteem, so the sooner you get out, the better.

I am sure you will get really good advice here and I would encourage you to also look for other resources and ways to boost your self esteem. You deserve so so much more than this.

[Brigit]

I wouldn't want to be with that kind of person, and I hate to admit its done a number on my esteem. I have deluded myself to thinking he cares his own way but if am being honest with you I know he doesn't care. And maybe I have hope that he'll do that one day. I've tried getting out but when I told him I want out he gave a bunch of excuses and said things are not the way I think they are. That we are okay and am not forcing things on him. But I don't know what I see in him and why it's hard to leave.

This is the definition of gaslighting. You don’t need to tell him anything else. You can remove yourself from the situation and you do not owe him any explanation.

The fact he is your manager complicates the situation for sure. Can you get a new job?

There’s a world of good managers, good friends and lovers out there to discover, and you are young with your whole life ahead of you! But you have to take your life into your hands and leave this guy. Sending you hugs.

[Sunshinechica]

This is the definition of gaslighting. You don’t need to tell him anything else. You can remove yourself from the situation and you do not owe him any explanation.

The fact he is your manager complicates the situation for sure. Can you get a new job?

There’s a world of good managers, good friends and lovers out there to discover, and you are young with your whole life ahead of you! But you have to take your life into your hands and leave this guy. Sending you hugs.

This is not a man who cares about you. 
And the fact that he is your manager is an abuse of power. 

You deserve so much more. Please start looking for another job. Don't respond to him. 
And look for a good therapist who can help you work on your self esteem and self worth

[Rulebender]

This is not a man who cares about you. 
And the fact that he is your manager is an abuse of power. 

You deserve so much more. Please start looking for another job. Don't respond to him. 
And look for a good therapist who can help you work on your self esteem and self worth

100% This^^^

[Pinkish]

I've been in denial about the reality of things for too long. And at the same time feeling embarrassed that this emr didn't work,and was rather the total opposite of what I expected it to be. I know he's manipulative and toxic and doesn't give a shit about me. I have waited for that to happen and its time to wrap it up. Although I normally feel guilty at the thought of leaving, even when I tried before the guilt was a lot. It felt like am abandoning him, like I don't care, or I jumped into conclusions that he doesn't care. In my head i know very well that he doesn't care and it is best that I just cut contact, but the guilt sometimes pulls me back. Like when I give him silent treatment, he'll say something and I won't react and then he'll give this confused look like what did I do. He knows how to play victim when things are turned on him and he can make people feel sympathy for him. And I hate that so much because he makes all the things he's done look like nothing. And I can't say anything about it because I'll look crazy. I can't ask him to communicate more because he doesnt want that. Becasue if he wanted to he would. And he knows I can't say or do anything . I truly regret getting involved with that kind of person. I am looking for another job, I long for the day I won't ever see him again.

[Brigit]

I've been in denial about the reality of things for too long. And at the same time feeling embarrassed that this emr didn't work,and was rather the total opposite of what I expected it to be. I know he's manipulative and toxic and doesn't give a shit about me. I have waited for that to happen and its time to wrap it up. Although I normally feel guilty at the thought of leaving, even when I tried before the guilt was a lot. It felt like am abandoning him, like I don't care, or I jumped into conclusions that he doesn't care. In my head i know very well that he doesn't care and it is best that I just cut contact, but the guilt sometimes pulls me back. Like when I give him silent treatment, he'll say something and I won't react and then he'll give this confused look like what did I do. He knows how to play victim when things are turned on him and he can make people feel sympathy for him. And I hate that so much because he makes all the things he's done look like nothing. And I can't say anything about it because I'll look crazy. I can't ask him to communicate more because he doesnt want that. Becasue if he wanted to he would. And he knows I can't say or do anything . I truly regret getting involved with that kind of person. I am looking for another job, I long for the day I won't ever see him again.

This is CLASSIC abuser behavior. It’s also classic “jerk in the workplace” behavior, and I’m sure every woman has experienced it. Good for you for calling it out for what it is and treating it as such. Empathy is a virtue but you need to treat yourself with it first and foremost. I can sense your strength in the above post. I am glad you came here and articulated all this, I hope it has given you (and probably many others) some much needed and deserved clarity.

A real man will be lucky to have you, and you him, and he’s out there.

[Sunshinechica]

This is CLASSIC abuser behavior.

This^^^^^ 
He's got you twisted up so much you question your own instincts. And feel guilty for him. 

The longer you stay the more you will start to believe it. You will hear his voice telling you what to do instead of your own.

[Pinkish]

This is CLASSIC abuser behavior. It’s also classic “jerk in the workplace” behavior, and I’m sure every woman has experienced it. Good for you for calling it out for what it is and treating it as such. Empathy is a virtue but you need to treat yourself with it first and foremost. I can sense your strength in the above post. I am glad you came here and articulated all this, I hope it has given you (and probably many others) some much needed and deserved clarity.

A real man will be lucky to have you, and you him, and he’s out there.

It truly has given me clarity and also validated my feelings about all this. I can see the behavior is truly problematic and its not normal. And I shouldn't have to tolerate that whether it's an emr or not. I thought I had to take it. But I don't. Moving on won't be easy as I have to see him everyday and see him flirting with my coworkers. As there won't be any closure on this. Which feels so hard.

[Harlow]

Pinkis, I agree with Brigit in that it’s not the EMR, it’s the person in it with you and this guy sounds toxic as you know what. I’m glad you are seeing the light, and looking for work elsewhere. I’d go cold on him immediately for how he has treated you, especially in the workplace where you have to see him daily. It’s like a 40 hour abuse week, plus all the time he lives rent free in your head.

(((((Pinkis)))))