01-12-2014, 03:28 PM
To The Other Woman,
I can't promise I know how your man feels right now but I can tell you how I have felt and maybe that can provide some insight.
So I will speak as if in general but I am really referring to myself.
So a man is missing something and longing for something to complete himself. He has a life but he has a need and so he adds to that life. If his need is met by a woman that is what he adds. Even if he already has one. Thus an affair.
For awhile the woman fills what is missing. She takes up the space that was already empty. He doesn't have to give up so much except maybe his sense of having been loyal or always truthful. And usually that is approached in small steps so that the loss of integrity is shaved off a little at a time.
Once the empty space is consumed though he has to start making decisions. He can halt the growth of his relationship with the OW so that she stops taking more space. So that the affair stays at some static point, essentially forever. If the OW is ok with this I suspect that it could just stay that way.
I suppose some MM can leave it like that but...
If he does this he may find he is again missing that intimate relationship he was trying to obtain in the first place. You see, by lying to his W, he is destroying the intimacy he had with her. By limiting the approach of the OW he is preventing intimacy with her. He is thus alone again so...
He makes more room by moving things out of his mental house. The W starts getting less space, and it is given to the OW instead. Neither has it all.
The man is now jumping between two lives. And also perhaps two identities. Like reading a science fiction novel at the same time as a romance novel. While you are reading one you are not even thinking about the other.
Mental stability not assured.
So depending, I suppose, on how he sees himself he is losing his self identity. Honorable? not anymore, Truthful? not anymore, Loyal? not anymore. Provider? to whom? Family man? to which?
He has built two houses. No matter the state now, each beam and brick was placed by his hand to provide a warm place, a home, a fortress...
or does it not sometimes look very like a prison?
But the world shall not have it this way. We may only live in one house. So long as they both stand he is a divided man. No one shall have such a man.
He must burn one to the ground.
And he must do it himself.
So shall we understand it if he seems to delay the task?
Shall we understand it if he wishes one would tumble down of its own accord to make the choice for him?
Shall we understand if he begs forgiveness when he sees the flames he lit consume what he has loved?
Shall we wonder at it that he throws water and swears to rebuild what is burnt?
Won't we wonder instead how such a man will expect to find happiness in either house to know that it cost the other?
And who is this man now?
So I see it this way...
His wife represents the house he lit. And I really doubt he expects happiness at all at the moment. If I were he, I would be trying to hold onto some of my identity as a supportive provider and just repair the damage.
I think that you cannot know at this moment which house he will choose to live in. But now he cannot live in both. Which, if you are done being an OW is a hopeful outcome.
I suspect that he is in an awful state right now. He is likely in pain but does not feel like he is enfranchised to acknowledge it since he knows he is causing pain to others. I imagine that his decisions presently have nothing to do with what he wants (because he cannot feel what he wants) but rather with minimizing the immediate hurt to others.
If you want this man I suggest no ultimatums at this time. He would likely grasp at any opportunity to relieve the decision making obligation from himself. If he is like me, he just wants to reduce the total negative energy in his life. Calming the wife probably seems to do that.
You will have to wait a few days (and maybe weeks) before he can feel his own emotions.
I notice that he chose to lite her house first. Instead of telling her he could have ended it with you instead. So take this with a huge grain of salt but I see that as a hopeful sign.
My assessment is that you have exchanged a 100% certainty in half a relationship for a 50% certainty in a complete one.
The jury is SO not in yet. I recommend to give it time and to remember the serenity prayer.
Love and Hugs
I can't promise I know how your man feels right now but I can tell you how I have felt and maybe that can provide some insight.
So I will speak as if in general but I am really referring to myself.
So a man is missing something and longing for something to complete himself. He has a life but he has a need and so he adds to that life. If his need is met by a woman that is what he adds. Even if he already has one. Thus an affair.
For awhile the woman fills what is missing. She takes up the space that was already empty. He doesn't have to give up so much except maybe his sense of having been loyal or always truthful. And usually that is approached in small steps so that the loss of integrity is shaved off a little at a time.
Once the empty space is consumed though he has to start making decisions. He can halt the growth of his relationship with the OW so that she stops taking more space. So that the affair stays at some static point, essentially forever. If the OW is ok with this I suspect that it could just stay that way.
I suppose some MM can leave it like that but...
If he does this he may find he is again missing that intimate relationship he was trying to obtain in the first place. You see, by lying to his W, he is destroying the intimacy he had with her. By limiting the approach of the OW he is preventing intimacy with her. He is thus alone again so...
He makes more room by moving things out of his mental house. The W starts getting less space, and it is given to the OW instead. Neither has it all.
The man is now jumping between two lives. And also perhaps two identities. Like reading a science fiction novel at the same time as a romance novel. While you are reading one you are not even thinking about the other.
Mental stability not assured.
So depending, I suppose, on how he sees himself he is losing his self identity. Honorable? not anymore, Truthful? not anymore, Loyal? not anymore. Provider? to whom? Family man? to which?
He has built two houses. No matter the state now, each beam and brick was placed by his hand to provide a warm place, a home, a fortress...
or does it not sometimes look very like a prison?
But the world shall not have it this way. We may only live in one house. So long as they both stand he is a divided man. No one shall have such a man.
He must burn one to the ground.
And he must do it himself.
So shall we understand it if he seems to delay the task?
Shall we understand it if he wishes one would tumble down of its own accord to make the choice for him?
Shall we understand if he begs forgiveness when he sees the flames he lit consume what he has loved?
Shall we wonder at it that he throws water and swears to rebuild what is burnt?
Won't we wonder instead how such a man will expect to find happiness in either house to know that it cost the other?
And who is this man now?
So I see it this way...
His wife represents the house he lit. And I really doubt he expects happiness at all at the moment. If I were he, I would be trying to hold onto some of my identity as a supportive provider and just repair the damage.
I think that you cannot know at this moment which house he will choose to live in. But now he cannot live in both. Which, if you are done being an OW is a hopeful outcome.
I suspect that he is in an awful state right now. He is likely in pain but does not feel like he is enfranchised to acknowledge it since he knows he is causing pain to others. I imagine that his decisions presently have nothing to do with what he wants (because he cannot feel what he wants) but rather with minimizing the immediate hurt to others.
If you want this man I suggest no ultimatums at this time. He would likely grasp at any opportunity to relieve the decision making obligation from himself. If he is like me, he just wants to reduce the total negative energy in his life. Calming the wife probably seems to do that.
You will have to wait a few days (and maybe weeks) before he can feel his own emotions.
I notice that he chose to lite her house first. Instead of telling her he could have ended it with you instead. So take this with a huge grain of salt but I see that as a hopeful sign.
My assessment is that you have exchanged a 100% certainty in half a relationship for a 50% certainty in a complete one.
The jury is SO not in yet. I recommend to give it time and to remember the serenity prayer.
Love and Hugs
