08-12-2015, 10:47 PM
I believe my improved self esteem has allowed me to enter into the extramarital relationships... I've never seen myself as second to their wives.
My ex married man, who was my "one that got away", chose not to physically cheat on his wife - his choice was to tell me he loves me, doesn't trust himself if we were to see each other and we worked through a lot of things that our "lost" relationship caused for each of us. Honestly, I think his wife would be as hurt knowing the above and knowing he still wants me even though I put an end to the emotional affair and we are low contact - as she would have been had we slept together. Initially I considered her a competitor, but over time she all but disappeared in our relationship (on my end).
My married man... whole different story - but the same in that I don't see myself as second to his wife. He too chooses to have me in his life, I know we are an extramarital relationship and I know that is all we will be. I am not his wife... nope but obviously there is something missing there or he wouldn't be with me and disappointed when he can't be with me - so I am good not being his wife... We do not discuss our other relationship so I don't know why he wanted to be with me, or why he is so available, but I do know he protects the marriage (if he wants to keep me in his life, he has to keep her happy and unsuspecting). I am not the mother to his children - nope... but I respect his relationship with his children - I don't have a relationship with them, never will, but I can support him as a father. Neither of these things (wife/children) impact my self esteem - they are his responsibility not mine. The way he treats me, yes, it helps feed my new self esteem - and right now what we have is enough for me.
No relationship is a guarantee, and sometimes I think that an extramarital relationship is looked at too differently than a relationship - sure there are some differences... some issues that are inherent in an extramarital relationship but there are difficulties that come up in any relationship - no dating situation is a guarantee to a happy ending... a wedding/marriage is not a guarantee to a happily ever after.
Entering into an extramarital relationship requires an acknowledgement that the two of you have to figure things out with some need for delicacy and secrecy. Your (the general "you", someone who chooses to be in an extramarital relationship) expectations have to fit the situation - he cannot come to you at the drop of a hat, you probably cannot initiate communication whenever you want, he has other commitments that he must fulfill (legally, morally and family), he will be unavailable at times... those are just truths of an extramarital relationship. I believe that we set ourselves up (again the general "we") by expecting the married man to act as if he is not married/doesn't have other responsibilities, and when he cannot act "single" - it is seen as a personal rejection... In my head, those things have nothing to do with me, so I choose not to let them impact my self esteem.
I expect my married man to treat me with respect - he does. I tell him I know things may get canceled or shortened - "I get it", just tell me (and he always does, and he always apologizes), because I know I chose to be in this relationship with someone who has other responsibilities. I see the things he does to make time for me... if I want more (time, commitment, availability - whatever)... I have to re-examine my choice to be in a relationship with someone who is married. Each day I have a choice to continue this relationship or not... how empowering is that?
As for the possible discovery day... I know his choice now, and I don't take that personally either... I am not competing with his other commitments - I see our relationship as a complement to those things. He has no duty to me, he can walk away at any time and he knows I will walk in the opposite direction very quietly, he chooses to be with me, share himself with me and care about me. I believe if a discovery day happens, he will not stop caring about me - but he will choose to stop sharing himself with me. It will hurt me, but it will hurt him too... this is a truism of an extramarital relationship - it will most likely end. I am strong enough to handle it, when it happens...
My ex married man, who was my "one that got away", chose not to physically cheat on his wife - his choice was to tell me he loves me, doesn't trust himself if we were to see each other and we worked through a lot of things that our "lost" relationship caused for each of us. Honestly, I think his wife would be as hurt knowing the above and knowing he still wants me even though I put an end to the emotional affair and we are low contact - as she would have been had we slept together. Initially I considered her a competitor, but over time she all but disappeared in our relationship (on my end).
My married man... whole different story - but the same in that I don't see myself as second to his wife. He too chooses to have me in his life, I know we are an extramarital relationship and I know that is all we will be. I am not his wife... nope but obviously there is something missing there or he wouldn't be with me and disappointed when he can't be with me - so I am good not being his wife... We do not discuss our other relationship so I don't know why he wanted to be with me, or why he is so available, but I do know he protects the marriage (if he wants to keep me in his life, he has to keep her happy and unsuspecting). I am not the mother to his children - nope... but I respect his relationship with his children - I don't have a relationship with them, never will, but I can support him as a father. Neither of these things (wife/children) impact my self esteem - they are his responsibility not mine. The way he treats me, yes, it helps feed my new self esteem - and right now what we have is enough for me.
No relationship is a guarantee, and sometimes I think that an extramarital relationship is looked at too differently than a relationship - sure there are some differences... some issues that are inherent in an extramarital relationship but there are difficulties that come up in any relationship - no dating situation is a guarantee to a happy ending... a wedding/marriage is not a guarantee to a happily ever after.
Entering into an extramarital relationship requires an acknowledgement that the two of you have to figure things out with some need for delicacy and secrecy. Your (the general "you", someone who chooses to be in an extramarital relationship) expectations have to fit the situation - he cannot come to you at the drop of a hat, you probably cannot initiate communication whenever you want, he has other commitments that he must fulfill (legally, morally and family), he will be unavailable at times... those are just truths of an extramarital relationship. I believe that we set ourselves up (again the general "we") by expecting the married man to act as if he is not married/doesn't have other responsibilities, and when he cannot act "single" - it is seen as a personal rejection... In my head, those things have nothing to do with me, so I choose not to let them impact my self esteem.
I expect my married man to treat me with respect - he does. I tell him I know things may get canceled or shortened - "I get it", just tell me (and he always does, and he always apologizes), because I know I chose to be in this relationship with someone who has other responsibilities. I see the things he does to make time for me... if I want more (time, commitment, availability - whatever)... I have to re-examine my choice to be in a relationship with someone who is married. Each day I have a choice to continue this relationship or not... how empowering is that?
As for the possible discovery day... I know his choice now, and I don't take that personally either... I am not competing with his other commitments - I see our relationship as a complement to those things. He has no duty to me, he can walk away at any time and he knows I will walk in the opposite direction very quietly, he chooses to be with me, share himself with me and care about me. I believe if a discovery day happens, he will not stop caring about me - but he will choose to stop sharing himself with me. It will hurt me, but it will hurt him too... this is a truism of an extramarital relationship - it will most likely end. I am strong enough to handle it, when it happens...
Time is like a river. (Castle)
