Devastated, confused, hurting

[Finland_2017]

That about sums me up these last few weeks.

My name is Finland. I am married with children. I have had a long term affair…with a married man whom I have fallen deeply in love. It’s been 12 years now and neither of us want to give up the relationship. Though he’s now pulling back. 

It’s a lot more complicated but at the risk of not divulging everything, I’ll leave it there. 

I’m so lost. And so broken. He has been my best friend, my lover. He is the keeper of all my secrets. My first  thought in the morning. He’s who I call if a child is sick or if I need help. 

The void is like a big, black hole that’s swallowing me up. 

A lot has happened in 12 years. A lot of life events and lies. 

I’m drowning.

[EverEverLand]

That about sums me up these last few weeks.

My name is Finland. I am married with children. I have had a long term affair…with a married man whom I have fallen deeply in love. It’s been 12 years now and neither of us want to give up the relationship. Though he’s now pulling back. 

It’s a lot more complicated but at the risk of not divulging everything, I’ll leave it there. 

I’m so lost. And so broken. He has been my best friend, my lover. He is the keeper of all my secrets. My first  thought in the morning. He’s who I call if a child is sick or if I need help. 

The void is like a big, black hole that’s swallowing me up. 

A lot has happened in 12 years. A lot of life events and lies. 

I’m drowning.

Big hugs, Finland. I'm so sorry that you feel lost and broken. Please cover your heart with a metaphorical blanket and give yourself some TLC. And reach out to people who can be your support right now. You are important.

[Finland_2017]

He has requested to step back for a while. While telling me I’m his soul mate and that he loves me…he ended things in a very non physical way. I am crushed and wondering if I should give him a bag of his things. Leave it on the doorstep. Seeing them just makes me relive the whole event again and again. I don’t want to be dramatic. But I keep allowing him everything on his terms and need to take care of myself too.

[Finland_2017]

I should say that as I consider leaving his things on the doorstep, part of me hopes it hurts him to see what he’s done, that he’ll see the error. The other part of me wants to do it to bring myself some agency. 

But I worry that it will make a statement that cannot be undone. We have been through a few moments where we both needed to take a break. Even tried to end it out of guilt and fear of being caught. But we always end up together because it really is that strong. After 12 years I just can’t believe he could stand there seeing me cry and not reach out and hold me.

[Harlow]

That about sums me up these last few weeks.

My name is Finland. I am married with children. I have had a long term affair…with a married man whom I have fallen deeply in love. It’s been 12 years now and neither of us want to give up the relationship. Though he’s now pulling back. 

It’s a lot more complicated but at the risk of not divulging everything, I’ll leave it there. 

I’m so lost. And so broken. He has been my best friend, my lover. He is the keeper of all my secrets. My first  thought in the morning. He’s who I call if a child is sick or if I need help. 

The void is like a big, black hole that’s swallowing me up. 

A lot has happened in 12 years. A lot of life events and lies. 

I’m drowning.

Hi and to TS.

I hope he reaches out with a hug and an explanation. I’m thinking there was a Dday.

Also, just curious as to what you meant by that in bold. Why focus on the lies?

[Finland_2017]

Hi and to TS.

I hope he reaches out with a hug and an explanation. I’m thinking there was a Dday.

Also, just curious as to what you meant by that in bold. Why focus on the lies?

During the course of our relationship, he GOT married. Only weeks after we finally stopped dodging and confessed our feelings. But he didn’t tell me. I’ve known. I’ve for a year and have been grappling with it. He said it partly because I felt guilt in the immediate days after the confession and he thought I wouldn’t leave my husband for him. 

Then he is telling me about a woman he knew abroad that he was close to. Claims it was never physical. 

I am starting to think the last 12 years were a lie.

[Finland_2017]

I placed a thread in base camp, so as not to take up space in the introductory area.

[Harlow]

During the course of our relationship, he GOT married. Only weeks after we finally stopped dodging and confessed our feelings. But he didn’t tell me. I’ve known. I’ve for a year and have been grappling with it. He said it partly because I felt guilt in the immediate days after the confession and he thought I wouldn’t leave my husband for him. 

Then he is telling me about a woman he knew abroad that he was close to. Claims it was never physical. 

I am starting to think the last 12 years were a lie.

At what point during your 12 years together, did he marry?

I am sorry that he withheld this information from you.

[Finland_2017]

At what point during your 12 years together, did he marry?

I am sorry that he withheld this information from you.

About year 9. But it was after he confessed his feelings and I mine. He didn’t tell me he was married for almost 2 years. So I found out around year 11 and it’s now been 12 years that we’ve been what we are.

[Harlow]

So all that time you thought he was just your OM (other man) when in more recent years he was actually your MOM (married other man). He must have told you that he wanted to prevent you from feeling the pain of the truth?

[Finland_2017]

So all that time you thought he was just your OM (other man) when in more recent years he was actually your MOM (married other man). He must have told you that he wanted to prevent you from feeling the pain of the truth?

No. He didn’t say that. But alluded to feelings as though I wouldn’t leave to be with him, that he waited all that time for me. Yet when I finally confessed my feelings he still got married. He was sort of nonchalant when he told me. It wouldn’t have changed me engaging into the relationship-we we’re already in the very heat of passion! He either lied to me or his lying to his wife when he proposed and then took the vows. It just felt like a huge aberration of trust, which is what our relationship was always about. He was messaging me about his feelings and fantasies. Talking to me about his career move. All the tile walking down the aisle with a woman he had been so reluctant to marry for a decade!

Anyway now, all of a sudden these vows have become important to him, years later and after he pursued this relationship with me. He still says we are closer and share something more intimate than anyone else including his wife. That’s I’m his soul mate. That it won’t always be this way but for now it has to be. 

I don’t understand but it has destroyed my world.

[Harlow]

And how are you feeling about your own marriage as it relates to the EMR?

[Finland_2017]

And how are you feeling about your own marriage as it relates to the EMR?

Indifferent. We co exist but it will never have the energy that I have with Burt.

[Harlow]

Indifferent. We co exist but it will never have the energy that I have with Burt.

Then I can see how meaningful your EMR is to you. I’m sorry he hurt you by withholding the truth. Have you thought of leaving your H for him? I’m sorry if I don’t remember all the details.

[Finland_2017]

Then I can see how meaningful your EMR is to you. I’m sorry he hurt you by withholding the truth. Have you thought of leaving your H for him? I’m sorry if I don’t remember all the details.

Yes I have. Burt has said I need to find a way to make it work until they are older. I have young children. If I thought he would have me right now I’d do it. I do not understand the all of a sudden religious and pious act. This has been going on with us for 12 years!

He thinks because I’m not the wife I can be treated this way. Discarded. That my feelings don’t matter. But he’s been with me and faithful to me for longer than her!

[Harlow]

Gosh, I’m so sorry he’s seeming to be so fixed on making his M work after all you two have been through. 12 years is a long time and not so easy to walk away from especially when the feelings are so strong.

[Jessicarabbitly]

[quote="Finland_2017" pid="466503" dateline="1678026512"]
During the course of our relationship, he GOT married. Only weeks after we finally stopped dodging and confessed our feelings. But he didn’t tell me. I’ve known. I’ve for a year and have been grappling with it. He said it partly because I felt guilt in the immediate days after the confession and he thought I wouldn’t leave my husband for him. 

Then he is telling me about a woman he knew abroad that he was close to. Claims it was never physical. 

I am starting to think the last 12 years were a lie.

I’m sorry you goin thro that I’m goin thro the same feelings right now ?

[cenedra]

Yes I have. Burt has said I need to find a way to make it work until they are older. I have young children. If I thought he would have me right now I’d do it. I do not understand the all of a sudden religious and pious act. This has been going on with us for 12 years!

He thinks because I’m not the wife I can be treated this way. Discarded. That my feelings don’t matter. But he’s been with me and faithful to me for longer than her!

I'm not trying to add to your pain but do you think his wife could be pregnant or they have maybe decided to try to become parents

I'm just trying to figure out why as you say tnis sudden turn around after all this time

Perhaps if he is considering fatherhood it might make him feel he needs to focus at home?

[Foreternity]

Sorry to hear all of this you sound like an absolutely beautiful soul. Please stay strong and we are here for you!

[Bluelobster9138]

I know your pain. Mine became physical. I've lost so much work because I've made myself sick. I go back tomorrow for the first time since mine ended.  I'm scared.