Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
Im not in an affair but I am feeling a little confused.
I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband is a a few of years older than me.
A few months ago, I started getting close to a guy at my gym. Hes single, in his late twenties. Very handsome, amazing physique. Its not just physical though, he’s also really nice.
It started out as just some harmless flirting. Nothing serious. I probably should have taken control there and stopped but I didn’t.
Eventually we started talking more and more. I found myself arranging my gym visit to when I knew he would be there. A few days ago he asked me if I wanted meet up for a drink. I just sort of stuttered a little and said I need to think.
I’m not sure what to do. I know theres no sane reason to go but I cant stop thinking about it.
I could really use some advice.
Posts: 3,051
Threads: 112
Joined: Apr 2018
You will always find people other than your husband attractive. It doesn't mean you have to dive into an affair with them.
Does this man know you are married? Is he married?
Are you dissatisfied with your husband or unhappy in any way? If so, it might be easier to fix what's wrong at home than to try the EMR as a bandaid.
YOu need to weight up the pros and cons. EMRs can be easy to fall into but very messy to leave. It took me 15 years.
Invest a bit of time and read some of our stories here.
Best wishes,
Ourania.
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
(10-26-2023, 05:10 PM)OUrania Wrote: You will always find people other than your husband attractive. It doesn't mean you have to dive into an affair with them.
Does this man know you are married? Is he married?
Are you dissatisfied with your husband or unhappy in any way? If so, it might be easier to fix what's wrong at home than to try the EMR as a bandaid.
YOu need to weight up the pros and cons. EMRs can be easy to fall into but very messy to leave. It took me 15 years.
Invest a bit of time and read some of our stories here.
Best wishes,
Ourania.
Thank you for the advice. Everything you said is true. I know what you’re saying about finding other men attractive and I have over the years but Ive never given it serious consideration like this. I guess I had resigned myself to the way things were and now all of a sudden this happens.
Yes, he knows I’m married.
No, he’s not married.
I wouldn’t say I was unhappy in my marriage but we have been together for 8 years so things have become very settled (I’m not sure if that’s the right word for what I mean to say). We have had a few problems over the years and managed to work through most of them.
Like I said, I know theres no sane reason to go through with it. The smart thing to do is to delete him from my phone and change my gym but I just cant stop thinking about it.
Posts: 22,582
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
Hello and welcome Becky123!
After many years involvement in an EMR, and after ending a long term M before that, I no longer see EMRs as crazy and I no longer suggest working on the M. What I do suggest is asking yourself why you are drawn to this person at this time during your life. I’d had many, many guys approach me after I got M, most of them M themselves, but never felt inclined to entertain the notion of meeting any of them for a drink or a coffee until I met my MM. Why did I do that? Well, there are various reasons for various people, which basically boils down to the planets aligning. I was unhappy in my M, the love and dynamics there were unmatched. I did all the work, H got all the benefits, and he didn’t see ME. Gable came along and he DID see me. And he’s been seeing me ever since. :)
We are a support forum for EMRs so we are not here to border patrol you back into your marriage when it may not be meeting all your needs. We see you, and meet you where you are, and we won’t judge you no matter where you choose to land up.
I hope to see more if your story. ❤️
No regrets
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
(10-28-2023, 04:26 PM)Harlow Wrote: Hello and welcome Becky123!
After many years involvement in an EMR, and after ending a long term M before that, I no longer see EMRs as crazy and I no longer suggest working on the M. What I do suggest is asking yourself why you are drawn to this person at this time during your life. I’d had many, many guys approach me after I got M, most of them M themselves, but never felt inclined to entertain the notion of meeting any of them for a drink or a coffee until I met my MM. Why did I do that? Well, there are various reasons for various people, which basically boils down to the planets aligning. I was unhappy in my M, the love and dynamics there were unmatched. I did all the work, H got all the benefits, and he didn’t see ME. Gable came along and he DID see me. And he’s been seeing me ever since. 
We are a support forum for EMRs so we are not here to border patrol you back into your marriage when it may not be meeting all your needs. We see you, and meet you where you are, and we won’t judge you no matter where you choose to land up.
I hope to see more if your story. ❤️
Thank you for the support. Its nice to have found somewhere that I can actually just say these things instead of keeping them bottled up.
Ive had men approach me over the years. Some were very handsome, but I was never even tempted. I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t know why I am so drawn to it now. I think it did just start out as just a simple crush but I don’t know why this seemed different. Even early on before we ever really spoke I was changing my routines so I could go when I thought he would be there. Thats not like me. When he made a move it just completely threw me. I guess that was the point fantasy became reality.
Weve been chatting all weekend. We spent nearly two hours on the phone last night talking and I think I’m going to do it. I’m not sure how though. Do you have any advice? Im so nervous.
Tuesday is my normal gym day so I was thinking about asking him if he wanted to meet up then.
Posts: 22,582
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
We all have different reasons for deciding to take that first step or not. For me, it was like a perfect storm. I’d been married a long time very unhappily and was neglected badly in that relationship. Along comes Gable who not only seems to be into me, but also sees me, who I am, what a good person I am, etc., plus he made me laugh and brought me joy where I was otherwise depressed and sometimes wondering if my existence was necessary. (I don’t like to say I was suicidal because I won’t let my mind go there). My kids were mostly grown and I just felt ready to end my M and move on, but I didn’t leave right away and my H refused to move out so I guess it could be said that I technically stepped out on my H. He had his own thing going on so I wouldn’t feel sorry for him.
So in my estimation you need to ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you want your marriage to go on? Are you ok with having two relationships? Do you want sex only or an emotional thing with this guy only? A workout or coffee date can certainly help you to see where you stand on this, at least on your end. And maybe he’ll share what’s on his mind as well. It’s up to you. We won’t judge either way.
No regrets
Posts: 3,635
Threads: 212
Joined: May 2015
Welcome to TS Becky
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
(10-29-2023, 05:21 PM)Harlow Wrote: We all have different reasons for deciding to take that first step or not. For me, it was like a perfect storm. I’d been married a long time very unhappily and was neglected badly in that relationship. Along comes Gable who not only seems to be into me, but also sees me, who I am, what a good person I am, etc., plus he made me laugh and brought me joy where I was otherwise depressed and sometimes wondering if my existence was necessary. (I don’t like to say I was suicidal because I won’t let my mind go there). My kids were mostly grown and I just felt ready to end my M and move on, but I didn’t leave right away and my H refused to move out so I guess it could be said that I technically stepped out on my H. He had his own thing going on so I wouldn’t feel sorry for him.
So in my estimation you need to ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you want your marriage to go on? Are you ok with having two relationships? Do you want sex only or an emotional thing with this guy only? A workout or coffee date can certainly help you to see where you stand on this, at least on your end. And maybe he’ll share what’s on his mind as well. It’s up to you. We won’t judge either way.
Thank you for the understanding and support.
My marriage isn’t terrible but I suppose things have gotten a bit stale. There isn’t much in the way of romance . Maybe its wrong to complain about that. We have been together for a long time. Sometimes I feel more like house mates. I cant imagine leaving my marriage right now though. Is it wrong to just want to feel wanted, to feel some passion? ch---ing on my marriage for just sex sounds terrible but somehow being married while having an emotional affair with someone else feels worse to me. I never imagined Id be in this place in my life.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what James wants.
I contacted James about Tuesday and he’s suggested a place we can go. I’m changing between terrified and excited every 5 minutes.
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
(10-29-2023, 06:28 PM)Rulebender Wrote: Welcome to TS Becky
Thank you.
Posts: 22,582
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
(10-29-2023, 06:40 PM)Becky123 Wrote: Thank you for the understanding and support.
My marriage isn’t terrible but I suppose things have gotten a bit stale. There isn’t much in the way of romance. Maybe its wrong to complain about that. We have been together for a long time. Sometimes I feel more like house mates. I cant imagine leaving my marriage right now though. Is it wrong to just want to feel wanted, to feel some passion? ch---ing on my marriage for just sex sounds terrible but somehow being married while having an emotional affair with someone else feels worse to me. I never imagined Id be in this place in my life.
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what James wants.
I contacted James about Tuesday and he’s suggested a place we can go. I’m changing between terrified and excited every 5 minutes.
I understand, as most of us do.
No regrets
Posts: 3,051
Threads: 112
Joined: Apr 2018
I suspect most of us didn't expect to land where we did.
O
Posts: 405
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2019
(10-29-2023, 05:21 PM)Harlow Wrote: So in my estimation you need to ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you want your marriage to go on? Are you ok with having two relationships? Do you want sex only or an emotional thing with this guy only? A workout or coffee date can certainly help you to see where you stand on this, at least on your end. And maybe he’ll share what’s on his mind as well. It’s up to you. We won’t judge either way.
I think understanding your motivation for wanting to do this now will help you make decisions down the road. For me, I was in an 18 year R that I wasn’t fully satisfied in and I was always the good girl my whole life and did what everyone expected of me. I had often questioned how my life would have ended up if I made different decisions at some crucial turning points. My decision to get involved with Leo was my way of challenging all I had been and just taking a chance on what I wanted. It was the catalyst for me ending my 18 yr R and stepping out on my own. I did this knowing it wasn’t to be with Leo, but for myself, and knowing that even if things with Leo were short-lived I was done with my ex.
My EMR has been wonderful and amazing and painful and soul crushing, but it has taught me so much about myself and I was able to do things on my own I NEVER would have done in my previous R.
If you choose to go down this path know that you are getting on a rollercoaster and it might not always be exhilarating. We’ll be here for the ride.
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
Thank you to everyone that has commented giving me support. Its so good to have found a place I where can say these things.
It feels so surreal to be at this point in my life. This is normally the part where I would chicken out but I’ve given it lots of thought and although I’m really nervous I’m determined to go through with it. I’m going to just go tomorrow and just see what happens.
Wish me luck.
Posts: 2,020
Threads: 43
Joined: May 2018
Welcome, Becky.
This is a no judgement zone, we are all/have shared similar forks in the road. Sometimes trying to figure out the "why" is a decent place to start. Please let us know how things go and thanks for sharing your story. 
Posts: 22,582
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
Good luck Becky!
No regrets
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
I did it! I still cant believe it. I been a nervous wreck all day. I’m still shaking now.
It was amazing. Better than I imagined.
I’m sorry for not saying much but I don’t have long. I just needed to tell someone.
I’ll go into more detail later if anyone wants to know. Thank you all for your support.
Posts: 394
Threads: 40
Joined: Oct 2017
(10-31-2023, 02:14 PM)Becky123 Wrote: I did it! I still cant believe it. I been a nervous wreck all day. I’m still shaking now.
It was amazing. Better than I imagined.
I’m sorry for not saying much but I don’t have long. I just needed to tell someone.
I’ll go into more detail later if anyone wants to know. Thank you all for your support. Please do feel free to share more .. I’m curious
Posts: 22,582
Threads: 337
Joined: Oct 2011
Yes, we’re all wanting an update.
No regrets
Posts: 41
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2023
I don’t know what to say. As I said I was a nervous wreck all day but the whole thing was amazing. It was everything I had hoped. We found a quiet corner to sit in while we had a drink. Barely touched them before we ended up leaving together. Thankfully he lived nearby and I think you all know what happened next. I just wish Id been able to stay longer.
I was still a bit worked up when I posted yesterday but today things have calmed down a lot but still kind of all over the place emotionally. I’m not really sure of what I’m feeling. I’m really glad it happened but Im not sure what to do next.
Posts: 405
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2019
(11-01-2023, 02:48 PM)Becky123 Wrote: I don’t know what to say. As I said I was a nervous wreck all day but the whole thing was amazing. It was everything I had hoped. We found a quiet corner to sit in while we had a drink. Barely touched them before we ended up leaving together. Thankfully he lived nearby and I think you all know what happened next. I just wish Id been able to stay longer.
I was still a bit worked up when I posted yesterday but today things have calmed down a lot but still kind of all over the place emotionally. I’m not really sure of what I’m feeling. I’m really glad it happened but Im not sure what to do next.
It’s understandable your emotions are all over the place. This is one of those situations that can be life changing and it can be hard to sort through all the possibilities. I know when my EMR first started I was kind of back and forth about everything and it took several weeks for me to sort through my emotions and determine how I wanted to move forward.
What do you want to happen next?
Has he been in contact since and do you know what he’s feeling/wanting?
|
