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[Violet]

Hello everyone! I’ve been in an on and off again EMR with a man for over a decade. He ended it over a decade ago after a few months. We’ve kept in touch all this time sporadically, though. However we resumed a full blown affair this past year. We’re both middle aged, married. I tried ending it multiple times but it never lasts. He seemed a little distant the last couple days so I ended it again. Same pattern. I usually apologize after a few days and he has an excuse why he couldn’t text as much, apologizes for making me feel insecure, professes his love for me and we make up. This time feels different though. I can’t take this hot and cold anymore. Glad to find a supportive place like this.

[mirabelle]

Hello everyone! I’ve been in an on and off again EMR with a man for over a decade. He ended it over a decade ago after a few months. We’ve kept in touch all this time sporadically, though. However we resumed a full blown affair this past year. We’re both middle aged, married. I tried ending it multiple times but it never lasts. He seemed a little distant the last couple days so I ended it again. Same pattern. I usually apologize after a few days and he has an excuse why he couldn’t text as much, apologizes for making me feel insecure, professes his love for me and we make up. This time feels different though. I can’t take this hot and cold anymore. Glad to find a supportive place like this.

Hi Violet - what do you think pulls you back into the affair?

[Violet]

Hi Violet - what do you think pulls you back into the affair?

Hi Mirabelle- Good question. I think a few things. I’ve always been extremely attracted to him, for one. But mostly I think it’s the way he makes me feel desired, beautiful, wanted, special, the usual things that draw you in. That’s what pulls me back. I guess I need that validation desperately. It’s like a drug.

[mirabelle]

Hi Mirabelle- Good question. I think a few things. I’ve always been extremely attracted to him, for one. But mostly I think it’s the way he makes me feel desired, beautiful, wanted, special, the usual things that draw you in. That’s what pulls me back. I guess I need that validation desperately. It’s like a drug.

Yeah, I get that (hugs).

[Fergiemac]

Hi,

I ended my relationship after 16 years.  It was after a series of on/off for many years. I would get upset and end it. After a while he would initiate contact again.  He said he kind of knew the when the time would be right.  

It was playing havoc with my mental  and physical health. I think it was the same for him.  

Last time we parted on good terms and agreement that it was overall bad for both of us.  He is 82 and I am 77 so we are not chickens.  I know where he his and he knows where I am.  We can call each other or contact if we ever need or want to.

It has brought some peace to my world, which apart from him was problem free. 

I don't know what your solution is Violet.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I miss him tremendously He was a great lover and companion and extremely affectionate.  

Ourania.

[Brigit]

Hi,

I ended my relationship after 16 years.  It was after a series of on/off for many years. I would get upset and end it. After a while he would initiate contact again.  He said he kind of knew the when the time would be right.  

It was playing havoc with my mental  and physical health. I think it was the same for him.  

Last time we parted on good terms and agreement that it was overall bad for both of us.  He is 82 and I am 77 so we are not chickens.  I know where he his and he knows where I am.  We can call each other or contact if we ever need or want to.

It has brought some peace to my world, which apart from him was problem free. 

I don't know what your solution is Violet.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I miss him tremendously He was a great lover and companion and extremely affectionate.  

Ourania.

Ourania, what a story.

I am younger by a few decades but I told my MOM that my goal for our relationship is to be able to smile about it in older age. It sounds like you can do that.

@Violet, unfortunately from what I am reading on this site, it seems most EMRs have on and off periods, some only in the “early years” and others throughout. It feels like a drug because it IS a drug. But that doesn’t mean it’s not genuine or that you are not both also compatible intellectually and as friends.

[Violet]

Hi,

I ended my relationship after 16 years.  It was after a series of on/off for many years. I would get upset and end it. After a while he would initiate contact again.  He said he kind of knew the when the time would be right.  

It was playing havoc with my mental  and physical health. I think it was the same for him.  

Last time we parted on good terms and agreement that it was overall bad for both of us.  He is 82 and I am 77 so we are not chickens.  I know where he his and he knows where I am.  We can call each other or contact if we ever need or want to.

It has brought some peace to my world, which apart from him was problem free. 

I don't know what your solution is Violet.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I miss him tremendously He was a great lover and companion and extremely affectionate.  

Ourania.

Ourania-

I get what you’re saying about it bringing peace to your world finally parting ways. I feel if I could make it through the grief of getting over him I’d feel more at peace in my life not dealing with the ups and downs. It’s taking a toll on my mental health. It’s a hard habit to break. Thank you for the thoughtful reply. 

Violet

[Violet]

Ourania, what a story.

I am younger by a few decades but I told my MOM that my goal for our relationship is to be able to smile about it in older age. It sounds like you can do that.

@Violet, unfortunately from what I am reading on this site, it seems most EMRs have on and off periods, some only in the “early years” and others throughout. It feels like a drug because it IS a drug. But that doesn’t mean it’s not genuine or that you are not both also compatible intellectually and as friends.

Brigit-
The on and off, hot and cold is the hardest part mentally in this whole thing. Not knowing if this time is the real end or just a pause. It’s a rollercoaster at times. But yes, he’s my best friend as well. Grateful for the understanding here. 

Violet

[Fergiemac]

Ourania-

I get what you’re saying about it bringing peace to your world finally parting ways. I feel if I could make it through the grief of getting over him I’d feel more at peace in my life not dealing with the ups and downs. It’s taking a toll on my mental health. It’s a hard habit to break. Thank you for the thoughtful reply. 

Violet

Violet,

I  don't see myself ever getting over him. He would have me back in a heartbeat.  It's better for both of us not have hav the upheavals of parting every 6 months ,then a reunion.  He seems to accept that now after many years.

We have loved each other too long to ever forget.

O

[Brigit]

Brigit-
The on and off, hot and cold is the hardest part mentally in this whole thing. Not knowing if this time is the real end or just a pause. It’s a rollercoaster at times. But yes, he’s my best friend as well. Grateful for the understanding here. 

Violet

In my case, I don’t really doubt the feelings, I interpret the withdrawals as a way to deal with the complexity of the situation in his head. (And mine, if I’m honest. Sometimes I want a little less intensity because it scares me.) Can you be reassured by the friendship as a constant? 

I do often wonder if being friends would be a better way to love each other for MOM and me. Then we wouldn’t have to hide. But of course when I see him, I want to jump his bones so it doesn’t really work that well.

[Violet]

In my case, I don’t really doubt the feelings, I interpret the withdrawals as a way to deal with the complexity of the situation in his head. (And mine, if I’m honest. Sometimes I want a little less intensity because it scares me.) Can you be reassured by the friendship as a constant? 

I do often wonder if being friends would be a better way to love each other for MOM and me. Then we wouldn’t have to hide. But of course when I see him, I want to jump his bones so it doesn’t really work that well.

That makes a lot of sense. I don’t know now that we’ve been lovers again if we could ever be just friends. Like you said, the whole wanting to jump his bones and all!

[Violet]

Violet,

I  don't see myself ever getting over him. He would have me back in a heartbeat.  It's better for both of us not have hav the upheavals of parting every 6 months ,then a reunion.  He seems to accept that now after many years.

We have loved each other too long to ever forget.

O

O, 
I don’t see myself ever getting over him, either. Since this past year being back on we’ve never went past 4 days NC when I would call it off. It has now been 5 days and it’s killing me. I’m always the one to reach out, but I’d hoped if he cared he would this time. I’m afraid he won’t reply if I do this time, too. Due to me making too many demands on his attention (expecting more communication, he was acting distant I felt). I feel so lost without him, but can’t feel like I’m an afterthought either. Thanks for listening.

Violet

[Fergiemac]

Hi Violet,

Sorry you feel like an after thought. He obviously doesn't understand.  How long do you think you can do NC? I used to go for months and he would usually be the one to initiate contact.

If you feel so bereft maybe you could write him a long email explaining how you feel?  Maybe you have already tried this????

MY xMM never made me feel like an afterthought.  He was with me or on the phone to me every opportunity he got.  He was always kind and thoughtful.  

HOpe all goes well for you,
O

[Violet]

Hi Violet,

Sorry you feel like an after thought. He obviously doesn't understand.  How long do you think you can do NC? I used to go for months and he would usually be the one to initiate contact.

If you feel so bereft maybe you could write him a long email explaining how you feel?  Maybe you have already tried this????

MY xMM never made me feel like an afterthought.  He was with me or on the phone to me every opportunity he got.  He was always kind and thoughtful.  

HOpe all goes well for you,
O

Hi O, 

I honestly don’t know how long I can go. I did write him an longggg message explaining how I felt his occasional lack of communication for half the day made me feel like I wasn’t important. Keep in mind 99 percent of the time he’s great in this regard. Then he’ll sporadically go a day when I don’t hear from him much and that starts the whole break up cycle because I feel neglected. I’ve not heard from him, but I did delete the app we communicate on for a couple days right after I sent it. Told him I was going to. Have since reinstalled the app. We have each other’s phone number’s, obviously, but rarely communicate that way due to being cautious. I sometimes question if I am being too needy or asking for too much in an EMR and being impulsive when I get upset over this? Probably childhood issues. Sorry if I seem too much today. Thank you for listening. I think perhaps I need to make a post asking how many others have had on/off times during their EMR and how long it lasted. I’m too old for this nonsense but yet here I am. Because I love him so. 

Violet

[mirabelle]

Hi O, 

I honestly don’t know how long I can go. I did write him an longggg message explaining how I felt his occasional lack of communication for half the day made me feel like I wasn’t important. Keep in mind 99 percent of the time he’s great in this regard. Then he’ll sporadically go a day when I don’t hear from him much and that starts the whole break up cycle because I feel neglected. I’ve not heard from him, but I did delete the app we communicate on for a couple days right after I sent it. Told him I was going to. Have since reinstalled the app. We have each other’s phone number’s, obviously, but rarely communicate that way due to being cautious. I sometimes question if I am being too needy or asking for too much in an EMR and being impulsive when I get upset over this? Probably childhood issues. Sorry if I seem too much today. Thank you for listening. I think perhaps I need to make a post asking how many others have had on/off times during their EMR and how long it lasted. I’m too old for this nonsense but yet here I am. Because I love him so. 

Violet

Hi Violet,

I know how you feel. It's important to feel cared for.

I think this statement justifies the question you ask about being impulsive and getting upset. Sometimes people really do need a bit of space so they have their best energy to give to what they care about. Maybe try self-soothing during that time or keeping busy?

[Violet]

Hi Violet,

I know how you feel. It's important to feel cared for.

I think this statement justifies the question you ask about being impulsive and getting upset. Sometimes people really do need a bit of space so they have their best energy to give to what they care about. Maybe try self-soothing during that time or keeping busy?

Hi Mirabelle, 

Thank you for your reply. I think you’re correct. In hindsight I think my expectations can be unrealistic at times, leading to unnecessary breakups. I’ll try your advice. 

Violet

[Mrs T]

Hi Mirabelle, 

Thank you for your reply. I think you’re correct. In hindsight I think my expectations can be unrealistic at times, leading to unnecessary breakups. I’ll try your advice. 

Violet

Hi Violet,
We should all have expectations. Why ever not????? If you don't expect anything, you'll never get anything.

O

[Violet]

Hi Violet,
We should all have expectations. Why ever not????? If you don't expect anything, you'll never get anything.

O

Hi O, 
You’re absolutely correct. Thank you. I was thinking I was being too demanding when in fact I was only expecting consistent communication daily. Was willing to renegotiate our relationship to accept less.  Your comment made me rethink that. 

Violet

[Mrs T]

Hi O, 
You’re absolutely correct. Thank you. I was thinking I was being too demanding when in fact I was only expecting consistent communication daily. Was willing to renegotiate our relationship to accept less.  Your comment made me rethink that. 

Violet

Good work Violet.

I had consistent communication every day in the EMR. I really don't think a relationship of any kind works well without it.  You have the right to ask for what you want.
O

[assms]

Hello, I'm leaving my story here because I need someone to understand and advise me.I met him when I was 19 at work. We had instant chemistry and became fast friends. We would both close the store where we worked with some colleagues and go out every day. At the time, he had been living with a woman for 8 years.I fell in love with him easily, he was cheerful and we had so much conversation that the world disappeared. He would take me home and we would spend hours at my door talking. After two years as friends, he ended up declaring his love for me, kissed me, left his girlfriend and we got together. I was a virgin and I lost my virginity to him, we had an overwhelming romance.But he was older and drank a lot, things ended up not going well and we separated not for lack of love but for incompetence. I married another man and was with that man for 12 years. I had two sons and he also had a daughter in a relationship over the course of those 12 years. However, I got divorced. And he has been in a relationship for 7 years where his wife has two daughters that he helped raise in some way. We are in contact during my divorce process after 12 years. We had seen each other before but very few times. We talked about our lives and the past and he said he regretted not having stayed with me. He thought of me over the years and I never forgot him either, we ended up getting involved in a very intimate relationship. He helped me get through the divorce And I supported him with his inner demons. He never made me false promises, we were living and seeing what would happen. However, he went on vacation with his partner and her daughters, and when he returned, the bombshell hit. He needed to try to save the relationship because it was the only family his daughter knew. He told me this via message and told me to decide whether I wanted to talk to him face to face or not and then he never replied to me again.It's been a month like this, I can't get over it, I can't accept that it ended this way, I keep trying to communicate with him, I even asked him to block me, but he doesn't respond. But he doesn't block me either. The few people I've spoken to don't understand me. Because despite this horrible attitude, I can't get angry with him and I still hope he talks to me. I don't think he used me, we had some very important moments together and I don't think anyone could fake it that well. I think he's just trying to survive but the fact that he's leaving me like this is killing me. Someone Do you understand me here?