INTRODUCTIONS #4: Post HERE to Gain Further Access to the Forum

[Catherine]

Hi my name is Catherine.  I’ve been involved with my MM for two years now. We’re both happy in our marriages and our relationship is mostly meant to provide the kind of sexual passion that fades in a long term marriage. Before him, I had a 2 year relationship with another MM that was abusive and I struggled to end it. 
I’ve been married to my husband for 27 years, he knows that I’m not capable of being monogamous for the past four years - he mostly accepts and doesn’t want to know too much details. We have a deep companionship and from my part I don’t feel the need to hide, we regularly discuss the situation. I think we both agree that having my sexuality kept alive in this way brings also us some needed spark and energy, however we also feel this is not an ideal way but without it we might struggle perhaps even more in a different way.
We married young, so my lifetime experience with men boils down to my marriage and these two MM.

I joined here mostly because sometimes I have conflicting feelings about being involved in these somewhat unconventional relationships to both my MM and to my husband (and some fear about the abusive ex MM lurking in the past). I get comfort knowing that there are other women with similar issues that arise from being involved with a MM, especially since the first relationship turned toxic and sometimes I fear he will find a way again to manipulate me. He does still try every now and then. So I need to keep reading the experiences of others in similar situations.

[Virginia]

Hi my name is Catherine.  I’ve been involved with my MM for two years now. We’re both happy in our marriages and our relationship is mostly meant to provide the kind of sexual passion that fades in a long term marriage. Before him, I had a 2 year relationship with another MM that was abusive and I struggled to end it. 
I’ve been married to my husband for 27 years, he knows that I’m not capable of being monogamous for the past four years - he mostly accepts and doesn’t want to know too much details. We have a deep companionship and from my part I don’t feel the need to hide, we regularly discuss the situation. I think we both agree that having my sexuality kept alive in this way brings also us some needed spark and energy, however we also feel this is not an ideal way but without it we might struggle perhaps even more in a different way.
We married young, so my lifetime experience with men boils down to my marriage and these two MM.

I joined here mostly because sometimes I have conflicting feelings about being involved in these somewhat unconventional relationships to both my MM and to my husband (and some fear about the abusive ex MM lurking in the past). I get comfort knowing that there are other women with similar issues that arise from being involved with a MM, especially since the first relationship turned toxic and sometimes I fear he will find a way again to manipulate me. He does still try every now and then. So I need to keep reading the experiences of others in similar situations.

Glad you ended the abusive, toxic R in the past. Can you block that guy? And welcome to the site!

[lost2019]

I’ve been with MM for near 8 years. It’s been a stressful time for me at times balanced by some of the most incredible experiences.
We spend time together nearly every day. 
He is M and I am D. I was M when we met but D not long after. 
It was never meant to be something we felll in love in.
He’s had years of loyalty to the commitment he made but he has fallen out of love with BW
At first I didn’t believe him or his love for me
As years have gone on I see his love for me in unquestionable 
We both have children and this makes things complex 
Our story is changing again.

[Brigit]

I’ve been with MM for near 8 years. It’s been a stressful time for me at times balanced by some of the most incredible experiences.
We spend time together nearly every day. 
He is M and I am D. I was M when we met but D not long after. 
It was never meant to be something we felll in love in.
He’s had years of loyalty to the commitment he made but he has fallen out of love with BW
At first I didn’t believe him or his love for me
As years have gone on I see his love for me in unquestionable 
We both have children and this makes things complex 
Our story is changing again.

Welcome! I think you will find a number of people in a very similar situation here. I look forward to hearing more of your story.

[Catherine]

Glad you ended the abusive, toxic R in the past. Can you block that guy? And welcome to the site!

Thanks! I don’t think that blocking helps as it would cause my mind to be even more focused on him in some ways. And obviously there is always a way for him to reach me in some way. Nowadays I very rarely even think of him anymore and my current relationship is very satisfying and going strong, so that and time without contact and without thinking of him should do away with his ability to manipulate me anymore.

It was truly eye-opening to realize that there are people who derive pleasure and validation for their ego through playing with the entire mind and passion of another person.

The silver lining is I found my current MM and he has been such a source of pleasure and joy!

[Virginia]

Thanks! I don’t think that blocking helps as it would cause my mind to be even more focused on him in some ways. And obviously there is always a way for him to reach me in some way. Nowadays I very rarely even think of him anymore and my current relationship is very satisfying and going strong, so that and time without contact and without thinking of him should do away with his ability to manipulate me anymore.

It was truly eye-opening to realize that there are people who derive pleasure and validation for their ego through playing with the entire mind and passion of another person.

The silver lining is I found my current MM and he has been such a source of pleasure and joy!

Blocking was just an idea, of course it's always up to you. It's great things are better for you nowadays...

[Cloverabroad]

Hi! I’m new here, but really looking forward to talking about my situation and hearing other people situations I’ve been in an extra marital affair for three months now I am currently single, but the man is married. I have a lot of mixed feelings around it all, so it would be wonderful to hear other people stories

[MissFabulous]

Hi! I’m new here, but really looking forward to talking about my situation and hearing other people situations I’ve been in an extra marital affair for three months now I am currently single, but the man is married. I have a lot of mixed feelings around it all, so it would be wonderful to hear other people stories

Hi Clover,

Spend some time reading stories like yours here.  Although they are different, they are also remarkably the same. They have a single person and a married person and that person's spouse.  

Best wishes.

[dannyo2k]

I'm glad I found this place, and looking to hear others' experiences.

I'm a single person in an emotional, text-based relationship with someone who claims to be dissatisfied in their marriage. I have no reason to doubt this person's truthfulness. Some of my friends say that this person has already proven their willingness to lie just by talking to me. But this is exactly the kind of advice I'm _not_ looking for.

I also know this particular situation is finite, but it has developed - in only a month - to something that I'm going to have a hard time leaving. I'm not currently looking, but am open to finding a local relationship of my own, that has some kind of indication of a future.

With this other person, they've already admitted they don't see themselves leaving their spouse. Despite the downsides of feeling alone and unloved, I guess the upsides outweigh that. And honestly, I'm not sure if _I'd_ even want that! Some days I'm convinced this is temporary, and other days, my stupid heart says the only thing missing is me planning a trip to their state.

Again, a month is nothing. This isn't sustainable. I'm not deluding myself. Well, not completely. But my heart is loving all of these feelings, and I just want to hear from people who've been here. And that's so hard to find elsewhere online.

Thanks for listening. And thanks for creating this community!

[Jessmay2504]

Hi everyone,

I've recently joined because I'm trying to make sense of the end of a long-term affair relationship and would appreciate hearing from others who have been through something similar. 

I'm in a long-term primary relationship of 17 years, and for almost 4 years I was involved in an affair relationship with a married man. The relationship was emotionally and physically significant to me, and despite its limitations, we shared a genuine connection and many meaningful intimate experiences together.

A few months ago, while I was travelling abroad for 6 months with my primary partner, he ended the relationship via Instagram DM. He had been quiet for a couple of weeks and said "there is a lot going on at home" with his wife. Then when I pushed further to ask what had happened he told me he didn't miss our relationship. He never actually said our relationship is ended but his messages implied this.

Since then I've been trying to process the grief, confusion, anger, sadness and loss that followed. One of the hardest parts has been that the ending felt ambiguous at times, and I've spent a lot of energy trying to understand what happened, what the relationship meant, and what I want for my future. I've been back home from my travels for one week. I saw him last week - he agreed to see me as I felt after knowing each other for so long it felt weird not to say goodbye in person. He invited me to his flat as his lodgers were away (he moved to the countryside with his wife but still has the flat in the city that he is currently trying to sell). 

I went with the mindset of saying goodbye in person. First couple of hours he kept the conversation light. When I asked if him and his wife will sort things out he shook his head and told me no, but he doesn't want to talk about it. I didn't push further. 

As the night went on I decided to just ask directly if this is us saying a final goodbye. He said he needed to use the bathroom and left. When he came back he sat turned away from me and said it's a hard question for him to answer...he misses parts of our relationship but he doesn't have the capacity for whatever our relationship was. He never wanted to give us a label. It was one of his "boundaries" that we don't have a label. But I will call the relationship what it is - an affair. I felt sad and said OK. Because to me that was confirmation of the ending even if still not clearly communicated by him.

He then asked if I wanted a hug. I said I don't know do you. He said yes. We hugged for ages. Long story short we ended up in his bed having sex. I mentally told myself this is goodbye sex. As I waited for my taxi home I asked him directly again. - is this us saying a final goodbye?

This time he said "let's talk later"...well it's been nearly a week. He has messaged me. But no mention of this final goodbye. All short brief messages and long gaps between. Even when I've stopped continuing the conversation he's messaged again to restart contact.

I feel like I'm in limbo and at a crossroads where I need to finally step up and make decisions myself instead of always waiting to see what he wants next. But I don't know how.

I'm not really looking for judgement or people telling me what decisions I should make. What I'm hoping to find is perspective from people who have experienced the complexity of loving someone outside their primary relationship, losing that connection, and figuring out what comes next.

I literally have no one I can talk to about it and have spent the last few months having to process and grieve alone, or relying on my affair partner who to be honest is not really a support for me.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to getting to know some of you.

[Brigit]

Hi everyone,

I've recently joined because I'm trying to make sense of the end of a long-term affair relationship and would appreciate hearing from others who have been through something similar. 

I'm in a long-term primary relationship of 17 years, and for almost 4 years I was involved in an affair relationship with a married man. The relationship was emotionally and physically significant to me, and despite its limitations, we shared a genuine connection and many meaningful intimate experiences together.

A few months ago, while I was travelling abroad for 6 months with my primary partner, he ended the relationship via Instagram DM. He had been quiet for a couple of weeks and said "there is a lot going on at home" with his wife. Then when I pushed further to ask what had happened he told me he didn't miss our relationship. He never actually said our relationship is ended but his messages implied this.

Since then I've been trying to process the grief, confusion, anger, sadness and loss that followed. One of the hardest parts has been that the ending felt ambiguous at times, and I've spent a lot of energy trying to understand what happened, what the relationship meant, and what I want for my future. I've been back home from my travels for one week. I saw him last week - he agreed to see me as I felt after knowing each other for so long it felt weird not to say goodbye in person. He invited me to his flat as his lodgers were away (he moved to the countryside with his wife but still has the flat in the city that he is currently trying to sell). 

I went with the mindset of saying goodbye in person. First couple of hours he kept the conversation light. When I asked if him and his wife will sort things out he shook his head and told me no, but he doesn't want to talk about it. I didn't push further. 

As the night went on I decided to just ask directly if this is us saying a final goodbye. He said he needed to use the bathroom and left. When he came back he sat turned away from me and said it's a hard question for him to answer...he misses parts of our relationship but he doesn't have the capacity for whatever our relationship was. He never wanted to give us a label. It was one of his "boundaries" that we don't have a label. But I will call the relationship what it is - an affair. I felt sad and said OK. Because to me that was confirmation of the ending even if still not clearly communicated by him.

He then asked if I wanted a hug. I said I don't know do you. He said yes. We hugged for ages. Long story short we ended up in his bed having sex. I mentally told myself this is goodbye sex. As I waited for my taxi home I asked him directly again. - is this us saying a final goodbye?

This time he said "let's talk later"...well it's been nearly a week. He has messaged me. But no mention of this final goodbye. All short brief messages and long gaps between. Even when I've stopped continuing the conversation he's messaged again to restart contact.

I feel like I'm in limbo and at a crossroads where I need to finally step up and make decisions myself instead of always waiting to see what he wants next. But I don't know how.

I'm not really looking for judgement or people telling me what decisions I should make. What I'm hoping to find is perspective from people who have experienced the complexity of loving someone outside their primary relationship, losing that connection, and figuring out what comes next.

I literally have no one I can talk to about it and have spent the last few months having to process and grieve alone, or relying on my affair partner who to be honest is not really a support for me.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to getting to know some of you.

Welcome! This is a tough situation and i can relate to the ambiguity, both not wanting to define things and also finding it difficult to not have anything defined. My MM and I are both married with little kids and neither is planning on leaving our spouses—whom we both love. But… this thing between us developed, the thing that shall be undefined and that we both feel guilty about and yet both tend to and keep going. I resisted acknowledging my feelings for five years before I blurted out what I thought of him, and it went from there. We are now also coming up on 4 years. 

One question others have asked me here is: what do *you* want? Once you have a an idea of what that is, it’s slightly (and only slightly) easier to think about the relationship and how to approach each day, and each interaction.

[Jessmay2504]

Welcome! This is a tough situation and i can relate to the ambiguity, both not wanting to define things and also finding it difficult to not have anything defined. My MM and I are both married with little kids and neither is planning on leaving our spouses—whom we both love. But… this thing between us developed, the thing that shall be undefined and that we both feel guilty about and yet both tend to and keep going. I resisted acknowledging my feelings for five years before I blurted out what I thought of him, and it went from there. We are now also coming up on 4 years. 

One question others have asked me here is: what do *you* want? Once you have a an idea of what that is, it’s slightly (and only slightly) easier to think about the relationship and how to approach each day, and each interaction.

Thank you. I think for me the ambiguity is what I struggle with the most. I have an anxious attachment style and really value clarity. Unfortunately my MM is avoidant. It was only last year from going to therapy that I realised this. He always said he had done a quiz and he was secure...so often when I want closure on an argument, misunderstanding or just clarity on something, his tendency is to shut down and go silent, or not really answer the question or even in the case of how he's ended the relationship this time (we've been here before) he's kept it vague and ambiguous.

For me, I've grew a lot in the second half of last year. I started "taking up space" in all areas of my life and relationships. Maintaining my boundaries. Saying when something didn't feel right. Asking direct questions to get clarity instead of spiraling and overthinking.

So now it's hard for me to go back to who I was before, shrinking and accepting small bits. Asking what I want is a good question and one I've been grappling with this year.

At its core - I just really want peace. It feels so long since I had it. Peace, clarity, consistency...and I want to be able to let go of this relationship that is not giving me these things. But it does genuinely feel like a loss and grief. But I can't share that grief with anyone. I have to keep it to myself. And it feels like, I should now say ex MM, is not feeling the loss and grief in same way. And I know he's currently focused on his own grief with his marriage ending. I just wish he had been better at keeping the emotions of his marriage separate from our connection. I have a lot to unpack with our relationship as there are layers of other things. I may start a new post and share. Be good to finally have some external perspective from others.

[Brigit]

Thank you. I think for me the ambiguity is what I struggle with the most. I have an anxious attachment style and really value clarity. Unfortunately my MM is avoidant. It was only last year from going to therapy that I realised this. He always said he had done a quiz and he was secure...so often when I want closure on an argument, misunderstanding or just clarity on something, his tendency is to shut down and go silent, or not really answer the question or even in the case of how he's ended the relationship this time (we've been here before) he's kept it vague and ambiguous.

For me, I've grew a lot in the second half of last year. I started "taking up space" in all areas of my life and relationships. Maintaining my boundaries. Saying when something didn't feel right. Asking direct questions to get clarity instead of spiraling and overthinking.

So now it's hard for me to go back to who I was before, shrinking and accepting small bits. Asking what I want is a good question and one I've been grappling with this year.

At its core - I just really want peace. It feels so long since I had it. Peace, clarity, consistency...and I want to be able to let go of this relationship that is not giving me these things. But it does genuinely feel like a loss and grief. But I can't share that grief with anyone. I have to keep it to myself. And it feels like, I should now say ex MM, is not feeling the loss and grief in same way. And I know he's currently focused on his own grief with his marriage ending. I just wish he had been better at keeping the emotions of his marriage separate from our connection. I have a lot to unpack with our relationship as there are layers of other things. I may start a new post and share. Be good to finally have some external perspective from others.

I am so happy to read you are taking up space and advocating for yourself! That is half the battle. We can not control others, only our own reactions, and I find that very empowering. One thing I could never accept is shrinking, and don’t think I have done that, although I have also not pressed to DTR because… I couldn’t do it myself either if he asked. So in that sense we are in slightly different relationships. 

I don’t know if you can see all the forums yet but you should soon, just keep posting.